Saturday, August 17, 2013

Chairman Malm's "Little Feast Book"

If I had to choose only one word to summarize James Malm, that word would be "INTENSE." For all the regulars here who have been cleared and approved by James and are definitely going to be attending with him this year (LOL), you will need to spend every waking moment between now and the feast preparing to be unassailable during one of the most intense and grueling phases of your Armstrongite career, but just 9 average days in the life of Apostle Malm. Once you arrive, it will be too late to fix anything that you may have overlooked preparing for, and as you face the withering force of Malm's interrogation, any oversight on your part may get you dismembered and sent to the lake of fire on the spot. And we wouldn't want that to happen, now would we?

To help everyone out, I've put together this handy feastgoer's cheat-sheet, which will help you keep the most crucial pet doctrines in mind during your oral exams. I guarantee you, you're definitely not going to want to forget to bring this with you.

Here's your Cliff Notes for the most important pet doctrines James Malm will be strictly enforcing for 9 days straight at his Oregon concentration camp. Think of it as similar to Chairman Mao's "Little Red Book", except in this case, you're dealing with Chairman Malm. Good luck, comrade!

"Focus on the "spiritual" by focusing on the physical letter of the law, while trying avoiding everything else physical"
  • "God uses the physical to teach us spiritual lessons." (That's why we should focus exclusively on the letter of Old Testament laws.)
  • "The majority of the churches have been converted into social clubs, fellowship and fun, and have pushed aside the spiritual focus. This even has happened with the observance of the Holy Days of God."
  • "[They] are to be filled with "spiritual" feasting*, with physical feasting**, song, music and dancing*** for joy**** in the Lord."

**** Joy: Don't be tricked by Satan into confusing "joy" with "fun"
  • "The real issue is around today’s resort non-Feasts which are vacations with the excuse of a biblical Feast."
  • "We are commanded to spend our tithe on [minimal] food and drink and sharing with others, not on expensive vacations."
  • "Feast sites are NOT to be established in vacation hot spots."
  • "Feast sites should be in poorer areas with no outside attractions."
  • "They are NOT to be spent in paragliding, car racing, or other activities..." (sermons and bible study ONLY!)
Warning: When James Malm uses the word "joy" he is not using it in any traditional sense. It is more akin to type of "joy" experienced by Jews and Russians who had the opportunity to be made "free" through "work" during WWII.

  • "Truly many are all wrapped up in themselves and want to try do an absolute minimum to just get by."
  • "Most people are doing what they are told and not because they love pleasing God, or because these festival messages are so inspiring." (And they certainly are inspiring. NOT!)
  • "Where is the true passionate love that says, 'How can I please you my Lord?' Where is the going the extra mile to please God?"
  • If you're finding it hard to get excited about ancient obsolete laws, then you are a BAD person.
  • If the feast doesn't feel like a burden, rest assured, you're doing it wrong!

* "Spiritual" feasting: Give me 9 days straight and I'll give you the letter of the law."

  • "At the 2013 Feast I want to study the Ten Commandments. This week’s material, and the covering of the other laws, statutes and judgments in Leviticus and Numbers, completes the whole Commandments and Law study."
  • "Please be aware that this will be a Feast somewhat different from the traditional WCG."
  • "The Sermons and Bible Studies will be consistent with the teaching on this blog." (Facepalm...)
  • "It will be a Feast of much strong "spiritual" meat; not a vacation in some tourist site."
  •  "You can be sure that presentations will be full of meat and not long-winded, boring; same old, same old." (Yeah, right.)
  • "The Feast will be about making the most of our time for "spiritual" instruction." (24/9 wall-to-wall sermons/bible studies about keeping the physical letter of Old Testament laws.)
  • "I am not a trained speaker...the content is most important...The delivery will improve [eventually]..." (Zzz)
  • Prepare to be inspired by browbeating harangues for 192 hours nonstop!
  • Forget about spirit, intent, practicality, or sensibility. It's all about rote, unthinking, literal, physical, strict pharisaical obedience to more arbitrary and obsolete "commandments" than you could possibly wave a stick at.
  • Do NOT expect to hear any messages about mercy, forgiveness, or Jesus, as such topics encourage a lack of "zeal."

"Chairman Malm:  100% Agreement ONLY! Dissent “WILL NOT BE TOLERATED!""
  • "This site is reserved for those who have proved the doctrine at this site to [James Malm's] personal satisfaction and are solidly on board."
  • "Sacred Names people and others who want to attend only to push heresies will NOT BE TOLERATED." (Malm's ex-wife is NOT welcome.)
  • "Larry has taken a stand on the calendar, however he does not agree on the meanings of the Festivals etc, and has said that he will not attend our Feast site because I will not allow dissent." (Larry is NOT welcome.)
  • "One Strike and You're Out" policy. (You will become instantly NOT welcome.)
  • No fake 'love love' unity will be permitted, or Satanic unity through pagan hand holding.
  • If you don't feel like you're walking on eggshells or navigating a minefield, rest assured, you're doing it wrong!
** Physical" feasting: Eating, drinking, and other pleasurable indulgences during the feast
  • "Church people even purchase goods and services on Sabbath and Holy Days, especially in restaurants...FOR SHAME!" (If I could choose a second word, it would be “shame.”)
  • "Seek a room with a kitchenette." (You will NOT be eating out during the feast!)
  • "If that is not possible a small cooler to keep a few perishables overnight."
  • "A simple mid day meal of a salad, a pear, and some Edam cheese." (It’s very important that the cheese be Edam…)
  • "All grocers have very convenient ready to eat choices from veggies and dip plates, to readymade salads, fruit, sandwiches, cookies and sweets, cheeses, bread, etc."
  • "This will not be...a feast of booze; it will be a [purely figurative] feast at the table of the Lord."
  • Curtail wasting too much time indulging in physical pleasures such as eating and sleeping, or nonessentials such as bathing and tooth brushing, because these are needless distractions that take time away from focusing on god and his word during the feast.
  • The less time you waste eating, the less time you will waste in the bathroom, as it is not proper to read the bible while pooping.
  • Other pleasurable indulgences, such as having sex with one's wife or with a prostitute, are frowned upon even during non-holy time.
Traveling to the feast
  • "Staying in a motel is not a problem as we pay and get settled BEFORE any Sabbath or High Day."
  • "Arrive early enough to take care of all necessaries before the first High Day or Sabbath."
  • "Inform them that no service will be needed on Sabbaths or High Days; which usually delights them."
  • "People claiming to be converted Godly people have paid bills, packed belongings, cleaned their temporary dwellings and traveled on this High Holy Day...This is a DISGRACE and a blot on your garments."
  • Always remember the 3 most important words in Malmism: Preparation, preparation, preparation!
  • "If we all camped on a local farm and met in the barn and truly kept the Feast rejoicing together; what would it matter if we stayed a day beyond what we calculated?"
  • "If funds are a major problem [you] might consider camping out on [your] farms or in [your] back yards."
  • While on the farm, one should probably be careful not to accidentally feed or milk the animals or accidentally spread physical manure on the sabbath (but spreading spiritual manure is okay).
  • "Those who have nowhere to go, might chose to go to a place where they can study intensely without the distractions of the many carnal activities usually associated with the modern feast observance."
  • "Apartment dwellers might, as a last resort only; set up a tent indoors to [physically] act out the analogy of being travelers in a strange land." (???Why???)
  • Whatever you do, ignore the biblical commandment to build a booth!
Proper attire
  • "Tzitzit fringes have been superseded by the holy spirit which it represents. However the fringe is certainly lawful and desirable. It is highly likely that this will be required like circumcision, in the coming Kingdom of God and  I would never object to anyone who chooses to wear one."
  • "The uncovering of a man’s head, and that does not mean the shaving of his head, but the removal of the hat or covering; was a sign of courteous respect for God."
  • "We are not to cut our hair or beard in the fashion of making our face look deliberately circular as a sun symbol."
  • "we are not to shave round circles on our hair as sun symbols and we are not to shave our heads and beards in mourning."
  • To be clean shaven is okay (drapes, not carpet).
  • No word from James about whether a suit and tie is required, or if some ancient robe or tunic is more proper for appearing in before god. Somehow, I doubt James owns any nice looking clothes.
  • Do not wear a phylactery, tefillin or frontlet. (Please leave these at home.)
  • "Feminine hair...should be covered in a gesture of modesty and respect for her husband, when she prays or discusses the word of God." (24/9 during the feast.)
  • "[A married woman] removing or refusing to wear a covering veil represented an unfaithful wife, a fallen woman, an adulteress...For a woman to go uncovered was to be seen as a rebellious or adulterous wife...a lewd woman is to have her veil removed..."
  • "[Women] are simply not to cut our hair into anything resembling a 'masculine' style."
  • No unclean furs such as mink, but unclean furs such as badger may be okay since they were used in making the OT tabernacle. Furs and makeup are probably signs of feminism.
  • "I am amazed at the number of strapless dresses, mini-hemlines, plunging necklines, and sprayed-on applicator dresses that are worn for purposes of worship."
  • Wearing a burkah might be interpreted as a sign of a bad attitude. (Please leave these at home.)
The blowing of shofars
  • "There is no excuse not to obey the commandments and observe this Feast as God has commanded! With Shofar, Shoutings and Rejoicings!"
  • If you are one of the rare individuals in modern society who does not already own a shofar, you'd better order one now, because a shofar and an offering are the two items you are definitely not going to want to show up without.
The waving of branches

  • "Here we have a direct command to take branches and to rejoice with them for seven days."
  • "Boughs or branches of goodly trees are to be cut on the very first day, the High Holy day of this Feast."
  • "The palm and willow are specifically mentioned, however we are NOT told that these branches are limited to the palm and willow."
  • "The branches [people] represent the main harvest of humanity being brought into the Temple [family] of God."
  • "We are to rejoice with our branches; to represent the great rejoicing as the main harvest of humanity is brought into the family of God!"
  • "if [you don't do this] you are losing out on a valuable lesson and much understanding of the meaning of this Feast."
  • It isn't clear exactly what "valuable lesson" one might learn from stick waving, but perhaps James will clue in the elect to this esoteric knowledge during the feast.
  • Just to be safe, you might want to go online to the Jewish websites and order your citron, or etrog, now. The good ones go first. Any observant Jew knows that your branches are meaningless without your citron.
*** "Davidic" dancing vs. "carnal" dancing
  • "Biblical dancing was never this touchy feely embracing dancing...not the ballroom dancing style...and not the usual COG big band carnal dance at the Feasts."
  • "Dancing before the Lord as David involved songs of praise and dancing for joy in the Eternal."
  • "It was always dancing as an expression of joy closer to the Jewish dancing or a kind of leaping for joy and rejoicing before God. We should be doing that at the Feasts."
  • "This is too energetic for Sabbath but excellent for the middle Feast days."
No word from James about whether it is proper or improper to "shamelessly uncover" oneself as David did.

  • "Prayer is degraded into an emotional experience; indeed much such prayer is not to seek God, but to impress those present by voluminous flowery and impressive language."
  • "Hand holding is a definite emotional bonding between people; instead of a personal contact with Almighty God...The pagan concept behind this tradition is to demonstrate UNITY by holding hands together."
  • "Hand holding is most definitely wrong and has its roots in witchcraft."

As you attend the Feast-gulag 2013 with James Malm, not only will it be a time of mind-numbing agony, you'll also know you're pleasing god. How can you be so sure? Because Chairman Malm said so, and he certainly sounded sure when he said it. Imagine being sequestered away with these jokers who have self-selected themselves as some of the most judgmental people in all of Armstrongism. It promises to seem like an eternity of cloistered boredom, pointless study, minimal food and drink, and a vow of poverty. Obviously this is the perfect preparation to acclimatize you to the kind of happiness, fun, and excitement you can endure all the time in the wonderful kingdom of god you're preparing to be imprisoned in forever. With James Malm, you never have to worry about what happens when you die, you're as good as dead already. Don't forget to smile, comrade!

Something James Malm is blind to is how truly odd and unusual he is. He assumes he's an average specimen, but he is ANYTHING BUT normal. His eccentric lifestyle might compensate for his emotional deficits and chemical imbalances, but normal people could NEVER live such a suffocating and INTENSE lifestyle. How many repeat priso-, um, customers do you think James Malm will have at next year's concentration camp, once they fully realize the mistake they made by coming the first time?

As you prepare for James Malm's first feast, here's a little song you can hum to put you in the mood and inspire a little "feast fever."

Accentuate the Physical
by Johnny Mercer & The Pied Pipers

Gather 'round me, everybody
Gather 'round me while I'm preachin'
Feel a sermon comin' on me
The topic will be sin and that's what I'm ag'in'
If you wanna hear my story
Then settle back and just sit tight
While I start reviewin'
The attitude of doin' righteous

You've got to ac-cen-tu-ate the physical
E-lim-inate the spiritual
Latch on to the negative
Don't mess with the Apostle In-Between

You've got to spread gloom up to the maximum
Bring "fun" down to the minimum
Have zeal or tribulation is
Liable to walk upon the scene

To illustrate my last remark
Herbert and Dave Pack, Malm and Roderick
What did they do
just when everything looked so dark?

Man, they said:

We'd better ac-cen-tu-ate the physical
E-lim-inate the spiritual
Latch on to the negative
Don't mess with the Apostle In-Between

You've got to spread gloom up to the maximum
Bring "fun" down to the minimum
Have zeal or tribulation is
Liable to walk upon the scene

~~ Head Usher ~~


DennisCDiehl said...

Well, as noted previously, there is a butt for every seat. I do have to wonder just what kind of butt wants to sit in on Malm's sufficating view of religion and God.

Someone needs to buy Malm a New Testament for a Feast Gift.

Byker Bob said...

This will set off many conundrums, and much cognitive dissonance. I dare say that most people confronted by this would be thinking, "What a horrible mess of total crap this is! But, if this is what God wants, I'd better pray about my attitude!"

These people had better go buy razor blades prior to the feast so that they can remove the New Testament of their Bibles. Otherwise, their Bibles might accidentally fall open to the writings of Paul, or the edict from the Jerusalem Council.

Also, James is screwing up. His people should be constructing sukkoths, and this is one of the three festival seasons which they are commanded to keep in Jerusalem.


Head Usher said...

Forget awesome. Malm's God is an INTENSE God!

If there were a real god, and if he were that intense, and demanded everyone else be that intense OR ELSE, then he majorly screwed up when he created everybody, because most people just can't hang with that level of intensity. You've got to be a "special" person on some kind of spectrum just to deal with that. Too bad that intensity is being wasted on something so unproductive, instead of a cure for cancer or something else worthwhile.

I have to admit I had fun putting together all these Malm quotes. He's just been saying so many stupid things lately, I just felt like somebody needed to organize some of it together in one place. And who better than me?

Douglas Becker said...

Which is going to be more fun: The Day of Atonement or the Feast of Tabernacles with Chairman Malm?

My vote goes to Atonement, since it's 9 times shorter.

Oh, and if you ever started to actually get to know God as Father, this will wipe all progress and memory of it.


It will confuse you, especially trying to reconcile what it tells you against what Chairman Malm tells you.

Anonymous said...

How I wish . . . how I wish . . . how I wish the prisoners of Chairman Malm in his feast concentration camp would just cast all their fears, and all their cares to our Lord and Savior who died for the sins of mankind, and who is resurrected that we would live. His prisoners just deny the sacrifice of Christ. They might as well use those branches of trees to flagilate themselves for all their messy sins of ommission and commission. I wonder if the feast book include the appropriate shoes to wear, and the perfume (is it allowed?), the kind of toilet paper allowed (2 ply or 3 ply?), the chemicals that one should be alert at when reading and buying grocery foods (very important or else the little feast book is of no value at all and can be thrown to the garbage can), the kind of utensils to use to avoid metallic contamination of food being cooked, the condiments to make sure that there are no unclean sea foods in those brine solution, the appropriate eyeglass to wear, the appropriate textile to use in the clothes . . . you know, Chairman Malm should be able to come up with a 20 volume feast book that regulates every aspect of his members from waking up (what time?) to sleeping (what clothes, pre-nuptial activities like sex and sex positions, the bed and bed linen to sleep on, . . .)! This is Satan's world you know, and they should come out of her, Malm's people, so that his prisoners are not contaminated by their sins and not received the plagues reserved for sinners.

Vaughn said...

Best. Feast. Ever!

Anonymous said...

If one follows everything that Malm says, then one would certainly feel like a prisoner on death row, waiting intensely for a reprieve from the governor (God).

What a miserable existence. The feasts were looked forward to as it allowed one to eat and drink just like everyday people. The rest of the year, HWA got such a large portion of your money that food consisted of the basics for survival. Clothing came from the charity depot, and your vehicle was 10 years old.

To listen to these guys hour after hour, makes one feel as if they are already in hell roasting away on the fire.

The human mind can take only so much then it shuts down making the person a zombie, unable to think on its own, only capable of mouthing what it has heard, without the sense or reasoning of it all.

They become the proverbial rabbit caught in the headlights of an approaching car, totally in fear and not knowing what to do.

It is no wonder why so many church people end up depressed.

Anonymous said...

When I was in high school, there were some teachers who started their students out with class scores of 100% A+, and all you had to do was hold onto those points.

Then there were other teachers who started you out with a class score of 0%, so that everyone on the first day had a failing grade. We've probably all had at least one of this type of teacher, who it seemed would like nothing more than to flunk out the entire class.

James Malm is definitely the second type of "teacher." I guess the God he imagines will be bummed if he has to let anyone into heaven. Might this God bend the rules a little to keep you out? He doesn't need to, since everyone has to throw themselves upon the "mercy" of the court anyway. And what does James Malm know about mercy?

Anonymous said...

Any idea if "Davidic dancing" includes twerking or not? Just wondering. Cause that would be cool if it did.

Sane Con said...

Man, this guy Malm has definitely micro-management issues.

Anonymous said...

"Any idea if "Davidic dancing" includes twerking or not? Just wondering. Cause that would be cool if it did."

Only Chairman Malm knows for sure.
He's the world's foremost expert on everything- from the Bible and crunk, to tassles and twerking.

(Malm put the Zizzle in God's Hizzle!)

BTW, if you abide by Malm's declarations, you will have the BEST FEAST EVER!