Monday, February 24, 2014

UCG Split Has Happened!!!!

Here is the new UCG split that happened today!  Now this is one I can join! 

Tenets of Baconism

  1. In the beginning there was the Big Bang, which begat all of time and space. Eventually sacrificial pigs evolved and the god of bacon did come to be.
  2. Bacon is our god, bacon is not jealous, you may have other gods or no gods before bacon.
  3. All baconism requires of you is the love of the smell of bacon. You need not even participate in the most holy sacrament of eating bacon, though that’d be weird.
  4. It would be nice if, as some other religions teach, you would love your neighbor and be a generally nice, moral person.
  5. We are entirely different from those who worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster, for we prefer our pasta on top of our bacon, while they prefer their bacon on top of their pasta. But that’s cool. Again, we accept everyone who loves the smell of bacon. Also, bacon is real.
  6. As you would not have anyone steal your bacon, baconists shall not tolerate the personal violation of any other person.
  7. Bacon never reveals it’s gender. When sizzling Prophet John was unable to determine the sound was that of a sensitive male or assertive female. It seemed the more you turned up the heat, the more aggressive bacon got. But the Prophet John knows it is not an important question, knowing that the only requirement of baconism is the love of the smell of bacon.
  8. Baconists love those of all races, backgrounds, sexual orientations, genders and beliefs, and they in turn love the divine smell. The smell of bacon is bestowed equally on all people (except those who have no sense of smell, for whom baconists feel much pity)
  9. Unlike the churches of other religions, baconists pay taxes and do not ask for donations, unless it is to subsidize the pork industry.
  10. Always keep learning. Accept new scientific findings, as need be. May Reason and Evidence guide you.


TD - son of a former evanglist said...

I will send money to this church! Bacon rocks!

Anonymous said...

Me too! Bacon is proof God exists and loves us. There is no way bacon could have evolved. It had to been created by a loving, generous and merciful creator!!!!!!!

Head Usher said...

Ommmmm. What is the sound of one strip of bacon sizzling? Ommmmm.

There is nothing which prompts a profound transitory meditative state like the sound (and smell) of one strip of bacon sizzling. Except, of course, for even more strips of bacon sizzling.

It seems weird in retrospect to think that I thought it was reasonable to assume that anything you put before a god automatically became a god. Why is it that what comes first in your life has to be a god? Why can't it be something else? Like a strip of bacon? I have never prayed to bacon. But I have preyed upon bacon. Does that make bacon a god? Or does that make god a strip of bacon? Thou shalt have no other bacon before me. Okey-dokey!

What was wrong with the Golden Calf? They were making Golden Beef Bacon out of it. The problem was, it wasn't a Golden Pig. That would have been okay.

I would like to order one Bacon Split, with an extra scoop of bacon ice cream, please. Hold the banana. No, not the one in your pocket. But you can hold the bacon in your pocket. That would be fine.

LOL. I bet this church has great potlucks.

Anonymous said...

I'll bet that if COGAWA had instead decided on the name COBAWA (Church of Bacon, A Worldwide Association), then UCG would have lost ALL of it's members, instead of only some.

Anonymous said...

Bacon is our god, bacon is not jealous, you may have other gods or no gods before bacon.

Folks, this is Good News!

"Father God" is petty and jealous, and prone to committing atrocities.
Yet, Lord Bacon is NOT jealous, and has made the ultimate sacrifice selflessly, that ye may partake of His wondrous sizzling, scent, and savoryness!

Behold, even this afternoon, He shall lieth with His friends Lettuce, Tomato, and Mayonnaise, betwixt slices of Toasted Rye Bread, that I may receive the Gift of Nourishment!

Lake of Fire Church of God said...

Well, I will state the obvious. Pork bacon, no matter how good it smells, is still against the tenets of the Worldwide Church of God. Therefore, anyone eating it is in direct violation of God's dietary laws and therefore is Lake of Fire material. Brethren will toast with the pork bacon in the Lake of Fire.

I'm just saying.....