Sunday, March 16, 2014

Global/Eternal Church of God Prohibits Unshaven Pajama Boys With Uncombed Hair From Listening To Saturday Internet Services

I guess Pajama Boy would not be allowed to listen to Global Church of God services.  
Probably a good thing....

Global/Church of the Eternal God lays down the law for those miscreants who cannot attend a live church service for one reason or another.  Don't even think about being lazy one Saturday and rolling over to listen on the internet.  If you do that you are a filthy heathen who is forsaking gathering together with the brethren.  Too lazy to shave or comb your hair?  Still in your pj's?  You have already racked up four major sins right off the bat.

“In addition, some brethren are scattered. They cannot physically join with other members on the Sabbath, so they listen to sermon tapes, or they sit in and listen to live Internet worship services (In passing, those who can physically attend are commanded to do so, and they are not permitted to just use Internet access as a substitute and as an excuse for not ‘having’ to attend Church services in person). If scattered brethren have Sabbath worship services ‘in their home,’ while listening to tapes or to live Internet Church services, they still appear before God during that time, and again, we don't want to appear before God uncombed, unshaved and unwashed, or by just wearing our pajamas…”

This is the law as laid down by Norbert Link 


Retired Prof said...

Mr. Link, you say "we don't want to appear before God uncombed, unshaved and unwashed, or by just wearing our pajamas…”

Wait, doesn't your sect believe your god is omniscient? If that's the case, you appear before him 24 hours a day, every day, in all kinds of embarrassing deshabille. How can you be so rude as to sit on the pot right there in front of him?

old EXPCG hag said...

I say..."Oh just forget it. Roll over and go back to sleep, Pajama Boy!"

Byker Bob said...

Judas Priest! Imagine if pajama boy fell asleep and had a wet dream during Norbert's yawner! Ooh, I'm sensing some serious hell fire here!

This guy is transferring his own cravings for absolute respect to God. Otherwise he would realize that God loves His children in spite of themselves, in fact, more than He hates sin.


Anonymous said...

This is true.
I wear a suit (without evil material-mixes) practically 24 hours a day, so I'm always rapture-ready!

I bought a pressing machine on Ebay and put on a freshly pressed suit just before I go to bed every night, in case the rapture happens during the night.

I've followed the Holy Spirit's advice, so before bedtime I pray my ass off that Satan won't inspire the rapture to come while I'm changing suits, and for God to remove the wrinkles that the fabric's Sanforizing has had demon problems with.

So far, so good!
God- 1!
Satan and his anti-Sanforizing demons- 0!