The Magic 8-Ball: Our Gift to the Prophets and Apostles of the COGs That They Might Experience a More Sure Word of Prophecy in 2019

The Magic 8-Ball

An 8-ball was used as a fortune-telling device in the 1940 Three Stooges short, You Nazty Spy!, and called a "magic ball"

The Magic 8-Ball is a hollow plastic sphere resembling an oversized, black-and-white 8-ball. Inside, a cylindrical reservoir contains a white, plastic icosahedron floating in alcohol dyed dark blue. Each of the die's 20 faces has an affirmative, negative, or non-committal statement printed in raised letters. These messages are read through a window on the ball's bottom.

To use the ball, it must be held with the window initially facing down. After "asking the ball" a yes–no question, the user then turns the ball so that the window faces up, setting in motion the liquid and die inside. When the die floats to the top and one face presses against the window, the raised letters displace the blue liquid to reveal the message as white letters on a blue background. Although many users shake the ball before turning it upright, the instructions warn against doing so to avoid white bubbles, which interfere with the performance of the ball itself. 

Wikipedia

The 20 answers inside a standard Magic 8-Ball are:

● It is certain. ● It is decidedly so. ● Without a doubt. ● Yes - definitely. ● You may rely on it.

● As I see it, yes. ● Most likely. ● Outlook good. ● Yes. ● Signs point to yes.

● Reply hazy, try again. ● Ask again later. ● Better not tell you now. ● Cannot predict now. ● Concentrate and ask again.

● Don't count on it. ● My reply is no. ● My sources say no. ● Outlook not so good. ● Very doubtful.

We gotta get Ron, Bob, Dave and Gerald admitting to the Yellows and Reds and aware that their Greens are suspect or they might lose credibility as the chosen and all knowing shepherds of the sheep 

God Intervenes In A Miraculous Manner With Paper Napkins!

The god of the Philadelphia Church of God is such a powerful god that it works miracles with paper napkins and cell phone cases!  Imagine that!  God cares more about phone cases and napkins than it does about people being swept away by tsunami's in Indonesia or being killed by some despicable Isis terrorists in Morroco.

Yes, the god of the True Philadelphian's is a miraculous god!

“Are there any napkins?” asked one of our dinner guests. Oh no. 

We had prepared scrupulously for this night, from weeks before the Feast of Tabernacles began until now. How could I forget something as simple as napkins? Truthfully, I hadn’t really forgotten. I had searched for napkins in my temporary Feast home before, and I couldn’t find any. I had grabbed some paper towels from the dorm as back-up earlier in the week, but we had run out of those. Now, we were out of anything even resembling a paper substance that our guests could wipe their mouths on, except for toilet paper—and I didn’t think a roll next to each place setting would be the most appetizing solution. 

I could see no plausible way out of this crisis. We were just going to have to go without napkins. Before I gave up all hope, however, I said a silent prayer, asking that God would lead me to a place with napkins. Then I walked into the hallway to look in the cupboards lining the walls once more. I was sure I had checked them all before, but I decided to check again, just in case. 

I don’t really know why, but I opened the middle cupboard first—and I couldn’t believe my eyes. A big pack of napkins sat on the middle shelf. I grabbed a stack of them as fast as I could, lest they disappear like a mirage on the horizon of a desert. I bounded into the kitchen, thanking God for this miracle as I went, and folded a few napkins to present to our guests.

Four days later, I was back in the dorm after a successful Feast of Tabernacles. I sat at the dining room table, fiddling with my new phone case. The case had actually arrived before the Feast, but I couldn’t figure out how to put it on my phone, so I just left it. Now, I was determined to get it onto my phone. I had paid roughly five dollars for it, and I didn’t want those big bucks to go to waste.  

The case was split into three sections. Each time I managed to fit the top section into the middle section, the bottom section would pop out. Then, if I got the bottom section to fit in, the top section would pop out. I finally got to the point where three of the four corners of the top and bottom sections fit into the middle section, but try as I might, I could not get that last corner to pop in.  

Once again, I could see no possible solution. I was just going to have to use my old phone case and give up that five dollars. But then I remembered the napkins, and I decided to say a silent prayer again, asking God to help me get my phone case onto my phone. 

Immediately after I prayed, that last corner popped into place. Two Trivial Requests

And two substantial miracles

The god of Armstrongism is such a powerful god!  Fist bump!

Head of "God's" Church Announces Date of Second Coming

Where would the Church of God be without all of its looney prophets, apostles, Senior evangelists, Pastor Generals and Chief Overseers?  Just imagine how much more enjoyable and peaceful life would be for COG members to not have to listen to these guys!

Sadly, every once in a while, the public notices their lunacy and reports on them.  From far right conspiracy-laden radio stations interviewing Bob Theil as some kind of "spiritual" authority to screeching zealots pounding their computer keyboards in some dank apartment, the COG has produced an endless supply of mockable know-it-alls who claim they have the inside track to Gods innermost secrets.

This brings us to one of our favorite COG villain who carries the impressive distinction of being the first COG leader that is a convicted felon.

The Moscow based Sputnik International has a small article about felon Ron Weinland where they let the world know that an idiot Church of God leader has once again predicted the date of Christ's return.

The prophetic countdown is ticking, says the founder of the Church of God Preparing for the Kingdom of God, who is concurrently a self-appointed watchman for the second coming. Although the Bible does not provide an exact date for this event, he says that he has figured it out using clues in Scripture.

The write of the article notes that Weinland's previous predictions have all failed:

He believes that the second coming should coincide with the holiday of Pentecost, which falls on the 7th Sunday after Easter. He earlier predicted that Jesus Christ would return either on 27 May, 2012 or 19 May, 2013. However, there were no news reports of the second coming on either of those dates.

The next and far more meaningful 'count' and alignment for Christ's coming is on Pentecost, June 9th of 2019", says the unwavering Weinland, the author of apocalyptic books with self-explanatory titles, "The Prophesied End-Time" and "Prophesy Against the Nations".

He adds that Jesus will come again if WW3 erupts by February or March 2019; he says that there are high odds for a global conflict, given the tumultuous relations between the world leaders.  Head of 'God's Church' Announces Date for Jesus Christ's Second Coming

Never in the entire history of the modern-day version of the Church of God has any man, pretending to be a church leader, made an accurate prophecy or predicted anything truthful.

2019 will come and go as Ron Weinland and his loony wife, Second Witless Witness Laura will be predicting another future date because church members were NOT ready, forcing Jesus to remain in heaven for another year.  Jesus must really be tired of this by now.  He had such high hope for Weinland, but now has to look to Bob Thiel to spring open the gates of heaven so He can be released to destroy most of humanity.