The god of the Philadelphia Church of God is such a powerful god that it works miracles with paper napkins and cell phone cases! Imagine that! God cares more about phone cases and napkins than it does about people being swept away by tsunami's in Indonesia or being killed by some despicable Isis terrorists in Morroco.
Yes, the god of the True Philadelphian's is a miraculous god!
“Are there any napkins?” asked one of our dinner guests. Oh no.
We had prepared scrupulously for this night, from weeks before the Feast of Tabernacles began until now. How could I forget something as simple as napkins? Truthfully, I hadn’t really forgotten. I had searched for napkins in my temporary Feast home before, and I couldn’t find any. I had grabbed some paper towels from the dorm as back-up earlier in the week, but we had run out of those. Now, we were out of anything even resembling a paper substance that our guests could wipe their mouths on, except for toilet paper—and I didn’t think a roll next to each place setting would be the most appetizing solution.
I could see no plausible way out of this crisis. We were just going to have to go without napkins. Before I gave up all hope, however, I said a silent prayer, asking that God would lead me to a place with napkins. Then I walked into the hallway to look in the cupboards lining the walls once more. I was sure I had checked them all before, but I decided to check again, just in case.
I don’t really know why, but I opened the middle cupboard first—and I couldn’t believe my eyes. A big pack of napkins sat on the middle shelf. I grabbed a stack of them as fast as I could, lest they disappear like a mirage on the horizon of a desert. I bounded into the kitchen, thanking God for this miracle as I went, and folded a few napkins to present to our guests.
Four days later, I was back in the dorm after a successful Feast of Tabernacles. I sat at the dining room table, fiddling with my new phone case. The case had actually arrived before the Feast, but I couldn’t figure out how to put it on my phone, so I just left it. Now, I was determined to get it onto my phone. I had paid roughly five dollars for it, and I didn’t want those big bucks to go to waste.
The case was split into three sections. Each time I managed to fit the top section into the middle section, the bottom section would pop out. Then, if I got the bottom section to fit in, the top section would pop out. I finally got to the point where three of the four corners of the top and bottom sections fit into the middle section, but try as I might, I could not get that last corner to pop in.
Once again, I could see no possible solution. I was just going to have to use my old phone case and give up that five dollars. But then I remembered the napkins, and I decided to say a silent prayer again, asking God to help me get my phone case onto my phone.
The god of Armstrongism is such a powerful god! Fist bump!Immediately after I prayed, that last corner popped into place. Two Trivial Requests
19 comments:
The God of Napkins can also find you a parking spot at the Mall if you ask politely.
How could he be sure that these trivial happenings actually where miracles? The fact is to assume that they where miracles was very presumptuous as is the case in many events assumed to be miracles.
Their god must be oblivious to the rest of the world. Children homeless & starving, children dying of dreadful diseases, children being bullied in school, children being beaten by unloving parents. The list grows on and on , yet their god seems only to care for trivial crap.
Dennis - you make light of a poor soul who is so blessed by PCG, that $5 is a big amount?
Shame on you.
You also make light of a magazine where what seems trivial to us is a huge miracle?
When PCG comes out with their own expanded version of Acts, this likely to take a whole chapter by itself - the miracle of the napkins and the miracle of the $5 cheap phone case.
People will be so inspired.
Millions of people will clamor to join, but be turned away because they have not read Mystery of the Ages and kissed the prayer rock.
This shows an amazing lack of ingenuity! How many times have I used my socks when confronted with an “out of paper” emergency in the bathroom while on the road?
BB
David
It's not that God is obvious to the sufferings in the world, but rather He is close to the righteous. It's called cause and effect.
But I don't believe the two 'miracles' claimed, for many reasons. One is that struggle is part of life, and the other is that God is treating that person like a child. That is church culture, the tradition of men, but not bible morality.
Pride in ones adulthood would restrain a responsible person from asking for Gods assistance in such situations.
God cares more about phone cases and napkins than it does about people being swept away by tsunami's in Indonesia or being killed by some despicable Isis terrorists in Morroco.
Okay, so a few sinners died. So what? ISIS probably has more morals than they did.
People who tithe assume that they are being blessed by God when they get a raise in pay on their job when they actually got that raise because of their hard work and loyaty to the company.
You can't assume that someone who was anointed or prayed for healing was actually healed by god or maybe his own body healed its self.
Religious people assume a lot when they think that a God has intervened in their life in a positive way. The truth is that there is no proof of that in reality.
Appalling! This is a minister's daughter, of college age, who is so spoiled and poorly educated that she lacks the spatial reasoning capacity to snap a phone case onto her phone without divine assistance.
Kinda on a parallel thought, my husband and I flew to Dallas to be with family for Christmas. Like I usually do, before take-off, I say a small prayer to ask God to protect us on the flight. Well, a small voice in my head said, "idiot, pray for ALL the people on the plane, not just you!" I had to chuckle. True that, like God would want to protect just us! Still learning after all these years!
7.29 AM
I don't agree. I'm responsible for my safety, and other people are responsible for theirs. Yours is Borg morality.
My husband is a member of a splinter, the one that likes money the most. Last year his back was really bothering him for several days, it has off and on for many years. He had already requested an annoited cloth, received it and used it, but didn't feel any better. After he finally told me he was in pain I gave gave him 2 Aleve and had him lay on my back massager for a couple of hours, he fell asleep and later woke up feeling better. He told his minister he was doing better several days later. Shortly afterwards, the minister asked him if he could send this in to headquarters for the miracle healing report. Totally blew my mind, if Aleve and a back massage is a miracle then all the more power to better living through chemicals and the healing power of machines.
Well, as I’ve said before, I don’t go to anu church. I haven’t been part of arnstrongism for a long time now. And, as I’ve said before, having a PERSONAL relationship with God is what He wants with us. And, like I’ve said before, there are people in every church denomination who DO have a personal relationship with God where they can feel close enough and comfortable enough with that CLOSE PERSONAL relationship to pray about ANYTHING! I have had many answered prayers...some what you would call puny, and some life and death interventions. NOW I know better than to share them here because I will be ostracized. Having a PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD is between that PERSON and God. It has nothing to do with what church denomination that person chooses to go to. God knows who you are. Yes, God is a powerful God. As for those who are killed in the many natural disasters that happen on this planet, I strongly believe that God is very much aware of each and every person and that none of them are “lost”.
Gary, I’m disappointed to see an article like this.
Personal relationship with god. :/ it’s your imagination. Unless there is touch, sound, tase, smell, sight; and only if others can also share that perception, is it reality. Your personal relationship is delusion. And who gives a shit if you are disappointed in Gary. I’ll be praying for you. Hahahaha.
I feel bad for you, 6:26. You are missing out on so much. Enjoy your “physical only” reality.
Yea unbelievers. You probably assume the guests at kana wedding and the multiplication miracle ate their fish and bread without a napkin.
Did you not read about pharaos daughters and concubines after the exodus exclaiming, "darling who took the napkins", prompting an immediate pursuit by pharaoh.
Of course god provided safe passage through the red sea " by drying the thing with proper napkins". That is the EXACT reason why no napkin has ever been discovered in archeological excavations in egypt.
In Turin they have the napkin of turin on display.
I dont no how to even eat lentil soup with a beard without a proper napkin.
You fools.
Nck
A similar miracle happened to me. When I fed my dog in his pen, I forgot to put the clip in the latch that keeps him from opening the gate. He flipped up the latch within minutes and came running around to the back of the house. Ordinarily, when he slips out, he visits the neighbor, the one who gets irritated at the intrusion, then takes off up the hill to chase deer for half an hour before coming back. I happened to be in the greenhouse at the time with the door open. When I invited him inside, he came eagerly, and I grabbed his collar and escorted him back to the pen, where I gave him an extra dog biscuit as a reward for sticking around.
That I was in the greenhouse at just the right time was obviously miraculous. Unfortunately, I don't know where to give credit, because there are hundreds, maybe thousands of gods, and I had not prayed to any of them. My suspicion is that it was Diana, the goddess of the hunt, since I hunt birds with the dog.
To be on the safe side, I should make a burnt offering to Diana. I don't have a bullock or ram, or even a goat to sacrifice right now, so I am hoping Diana will be satisfied if I take a venison roast out of the freezer and scorch that. She won't mind if I scorch it only lightly on the outside and leave the center pink and warm. Since it is sacrilege to leave a burn offering only partially destroyed, I will be more than happy to complete the job by eating the part that did not get consumed by the flames.
Impressive Retired Prof.
I know some Asian countries where they organise dinner parties for the recently deceased and many other spirits are invited aswell.
However since the spirits have no real mouths anyway, practicallity requires (after the ritual sharing) to eat all of it and spoil no crumb, causing merriness in am otherwise drab situation.
I favor all spirits that cause lasting joy and tell me next time you are planning to praise Diana.
Nck
Correction: No longer a minister. He was marked.
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