I believe it was during the great
Elijah vs. the Priests of Baal cook off that it was said, "IF God be God, serve
him. But if Baal be God, serve him" (I Kings 18). At
that time, it appears there were only two Bronze age concepts of God to choose
from. There was no room for any third options. It was a simple
either/or moment. I suppose it would have been considered in bad taste to
speak up and say, "Ummm...we forgot Molech or Chemosh! Can we select one
of them?" "No...you can't."
A few years back the Trilemma
(derivative of di-lemma which is what the Priests of Baal were faced with, was
introduced concerning Jesus as presented in the New Testament. Was
He "Liar, Lunatic or Lord?" Of course, the author chose Lord
and that was the end of it. As in the OT example of choosing only between
the two deities of the times YHVH or Baal we could have added "Legend" to
the Trilemma and called it the Quadlemma I suppose.
Religion is plainly designed to comfort
the human consciousness that life ends and then what. On the other hand,
some can't imagine that there is really nothing more and so insist on finding
something that is hopeful or give the impression that any falsehood you believe
is better than truth that is what it is. I don't think that way.
This musing is not about picking the
correct answer. It is about the dilemma of stepping outside the box of
what proved to be limited or carefully controlled information handed out ,
to myself , in this case on the nature of the Bible and the story of Jesus as
presented in the Gospels and interpreted mostly by the one man, the Apostle
Paul. I make no bones about the fact that I have lost my faith in
faith as Dan Barker experienced in his own evangelical life and wrote the
book Losing Faith in Faith. While liberating , it is
also a very bi polar feeling that I don't care for, causes all sorts of
unexpected emotions and not a little anxiety at times. It is also one of
the most lonely experiences I think one can experience save for physical
rejection or abandonment. Having had both I can at least compare the
emotions and they suck big time.
"I despise losing faith in
faith....It's Awesome!"
I have physically lost friends to their
loss of faith in faith. All were ministers. Several simply drank
themselves to an early death, which is a common out when wanting to escape the
thinking, thinking, thinking that loss of faith can produce. One outright
committed suicide and I am sure there are others I am not aware of. Having
the rug of faith jerked out from under you is nothing to scoff at and is not a
light thing. Those in WCG/CGI who provided the majority with
that experience, no matter how they viewed it as being "good" or "better" seem
never to have thought of expressing any sorrow over the havoc and chaos caused
all the way down the line. Even if WCG was "wrong" , the right thing for
leaders, falsely so called who come to such conclusions is to leave the
organization themselves and not try to swing it to their view come hell, which
it did or high water, which also did. The miracle of WCG is not in
coming to any Jesus more authentically. The miracle is rather than leaving
a faith you no longer have, you hijack the faith and make everyone else
leave. Now that's a great trick and it is the trick played by the few on
the many in this WCG experience. We're not talking about what is more
correct. We're talking about technique.
At my mom's memorial service I sat ten
feet from the minister giving the service. Lots of memories, both in that
seat and sanctuary and in doing funerals myself. When they sang the tunes
that still bring tears to me because of such fond memories and stability back
when, I can't bring myself to sing them now. I just held dad's hand and
stood there teary while my sisters sang their hearts out. A pretty
bi-polar experience for me. Sitting behind me was a former WCG minister
and now CGI type looking rather worse for wear in the whole experience. I stood
there looking at the same baptismal fount I was baptized in as a baby, sitting
next to the woman who carried me up the same isle as that baby to my
parents. The pews were the same pews I sat in when my feet would not touch
the floor and mom shoved pink mints in my mouth to shut me up. The same
table was there where I sat in catechism class asking too many questions and
being asked to leave, at 14. It was quite a bi-polar religious
experience and lots of time to think about it on the long drive back to South
Carolina.
The Wild World Church of God (WCG)
taught me a great spiritual lesson that still is a struggle to cope with in the
fine art of what happens when two concepts
collide...
Personal losses due to the stress and
shock of reckless theological change, no matter if it is more or less true, that
is not the point, are everywhere to be experienced. There is the "no
one is ever again going to tell me how it all is again," stage. In that
stage you suffer the bi polar experience of learning well what you failed to
learn the first time to be followed by the depression and anger felt that one
had to have that kind of stupid experience in the first place. It's easy
after that to do more dumb ass stuff doesn't help but is a symptom of this
stage.
Marriage falls apart because
transitions are messy and being in different books much less on different pages
takes its toll. And yes, I accept my own responsibility for it all.
New relationships seem doomed until the "can't ya just move on stage"
shows up. I found out I was not an easy person to be around or live with
and as a result find myself alone again...unnaturally. I met someone from
my past who took my heart with "I have always loved you..."
but that turned out to just be the first of several sucker punches.
I have met a couple people in my life that seemed to fall into that 'soul mate'
category. You know the kind that you just seem to have to ask, "have we
met before?," or "do I know you?" and have learned that ENFP's according to
Meyers/Briggs are good at that intuitive stuff. It also tells us to beware
and this is true. Sometimes in life there is NOTHING left to do but have a
good laugh! And this is also true.
Someone once said, "Silence is
the voice of God," and now I understand what that means. Being silent
and alone is getting more acceptable to my nature, but it was and is a very
painful experience. Sometimes I wish "I was wrong, I'm sorry, please
forgive me, I love you," actually worked, but it doesn't much.
It was enlightening to have
Israel Finkelstein, author of The Bible Unearthed, tell me face to face
that much of the Old Testament is made up to give a small people an amazing
heritage, and as an archaeologist and historian in his own country of
Israel finds, no evidence for the reality of the story as presented. In
other words, what I suspected, he verified and had the credentials to do
it. I know some zealots scoff at the hard work of getting those
credentials in the field, but the zealot would not last three minutes in his
presence. Dave Pack...maybe one.
They say you can't go home, and this
true. I can't un ring this bell of skepticism and knowing more now that I
would have wished to know back when so as to make a better life decision.
I kid about wanting to have been a paleontologist, but my love of what I thought
I was learning back when theologically diverted me over a cliff. I
would have made a darn good paleo guy and you'd not be reading these musings
from an authority on Neanderthal in Ice Age Europe or the Clovis Culture in
America.
Where I currently live can have it's
drug selling types too close for comfort. I spent years thinking I needed
a home defense weapon. But then I thought that might not be smart because
I may have too low a moment and really screw up. Besides, I don't want to
be a story in the Journal or have to read from whatever new location I would
hope to be in all your comments about it! I don't want Dave Pack to
restate his view that "all who oppose me end up dying..." To which I
say , "The only reason that is true is that it is appointed unto all men once to
die sometime jerk and it's not about you."
This bi polar experience still leaves
me with a love of theology. I admire the Bart Ehrman and Dan Barker
types who went from faith to faithless within the theological community and get
to teach why and get paid for it! The perfect theological position.
"Let's study what your Sunday School teacher and probably your pastor never
knew or won't talk about." I did get a synchronistic moment while watching
Bart Ehrman's lecture on "Misquoting Jesus," and got an email from him right in
the middle of it.
Well lots to say about this bi polar
feeling about the Faith and the Facts. I'll probably always get teary
hearing the old hymns of my youth but not the rather nasty and OT oriented ones
of WCG fame. I'll have to watch how much I drink and get used to the
quiet which I both enjoy and hate. I'll always read books on the why, when
and who of the Bible explained better than the first two times I gave it a go
and what the Bible no longer seems to hold over me. I'll be relieved and I'll
get anxious. I will forgive and then take it back and wish someone not
well in their ventures. Then I will forgive again. I'll move on and
get stuck. I'll get stuck and move on. I'll be lonely and love it
and lonely and hate it. I'll make friends and lose them. I'll beat
myself up and be kind to myself only to beat myself up again and be kind to
myself later again. I'll vow to give up Banned HWA and Face Book and go
back to them time and again. I'll not care about the Dave Packs of COGdom
and I'll spend hours talking with those who agonize over him destroying their
relationships and families by injecting his Bronze Age views into their
lives.
In short, I suppose being bi
polar on all things Spiritual and Scientific along with Faith
and Facts is here to stay.
"Chose ye this day whom ye shall
serve..! What say you?"
....ok...I chose yes.
I despise being bi-polar...It's
awesome!
