Gallows humour, East European-style - Telegraph

Dennis Diehl - EzineArticles Expert AuthorI am so pleased.  After decades of splits, schisms, splinters and slivers, the True Church is on the cusp of reunification.  I can hardly believe it but I know it is true.  The Bible and specifically the minor prophet Haggai has made this awesomely clear.  Only the unregenerate and uncalled cannot see it.  Not only is the text clearly speaking of our times today, but Joshua the High Priest, a mere type in Haggai, is a living human incarnation today in our own times has declared it.   What a time to be alive!

I am so looking forward to the Feast of Tabernacles once again.  While I have little second tithe saved because I did not know in time that this Fall unification would come, I intend to feast off the spiritual messages that I am sure will inspire beyond all measure.  I may have to apply for 3-T assistance, but I'm sure it will flow to help those who were hoodwinked and deceived over the years by their liberal and lazy assed ministry.   "Round Up 2013," as I like to think of it.   I so want to be rounded up!

All Pens Become ONE!!!!

Personally I have six weeks or maybe a bit more time to get my own act together. I really want to speak at this first feast of unity and the rebirth of the True Church.  I know I have been kind of a stinker having learned many things that I wish I had been taught as a younger man, but all will be forgiven I just know!  I will act sorry as I can...

sorry for how ive been acting

BUT....we need some compassionate rules is this unification is going to go well from the gitmo..git go.   The huddled masses yearning to be even more confined than in the past but breathing to be "free" need to be treated gently but also FIRMLY!.  They have been starved and are spiritually emaciated so it is simply not wise to feed them too much too quickly.  There will be spiritual puke all over the Festival Floors and that is just not a way to get unification going.  So...some rules please for the FIRST real FOT since the death of Herbert W. Armstrong and the rise of the Apostle Joshua C. Pack who is now in place to bring all things spoken of in the prophets and really the whole Bible to pass shortly..finally!   This is the real "shortly" and "soon brethren," as long as you don't ask about the long term building programs and such, and how they fit into shortly and soon.  

TV evangelists | cathywagnerblog
Ok here goes.

Rule  1
References to the newbies being blinded, deceived, mislead, trashed, lied to, watered down or luke warmish will not be used often if at all.  They now know this but it is a salt in the wound thing.  So please, watch your mouths.  However, if necessary for effect, the Apostle reserves the right to rub it in and reinforce badness especially in the ministry

Rule 2
References by the Lord of Restored to Watcher/Apostle/The Chosen/Joshua the High Priest etc shall be limited to just three per hour of sermon time.  Of course, this rule must be approved by the Apostle and subject to change and will probably be ignored which is fine, just a suggestion.  This will insure no more than 12 to 15 reminders of who is in charge now and why in any one day.

Rule 3
Joshua the High Priest shall not use the words "I", "Me" or "My" more than three times per hour of sermon time to limit a sense of ego centric ministry.  Again, subject to Apostle Approval.   God/Christ and the Holy Spirit should be referenced often with careful use of the name "Jesus" so not give the impression the Church has already slipped into nicey Jesus mode and is already off track before the end of the first day.  The Apostle does have the right to over ride the frequency of me, I and my if necessary to teach just where all the blessings of this Festival came from. 

Rule 4
Even thought it is an awesome idea and the Apostle Joshua is irritated he did not think of it sooner himself, offerings will not be taken up every day of the Feast.  Long standing members of the Restored Church are exempt this year from having to give anything since they are learning you can only send it all in once and have little left to give. 

The Dust Bowl

Rule 5
There will only be 17 Orange feast stickers this year.  One for each member of the council of agreers and one for the Apostle.  To distinguish the Apostle from the Agreers, the Apostle's car will have one of each sticker beginning with Orange, going to Red and then mere green in that order. This is the only vehicle that will be allowed to park either behind or on the stage.  

Feast of Tabernacles 2011 - Get Feast Stuff

Rule 6
Only current, in good standing RCG members will have green stickers.  Those flowing unto the feast in reunification will receive NO sticker this year.  You will park in Row E with Row A being one space for the Apostle if needed.  Row B having 16 spaces for the Council of Agreers and Row C having 120 spaces for the local church.  Row D for the 100 visitors from out of state and Row D with 49 spaces for those in the returning diaspora. 

Parking in small spaces | Joke Overflow - Joke Archive

Rule 7
All RCG members will meet and greet each returning saint wearing rubber gloves.  We must not kid ourselves.  These folk still have the stink and dirt of their grievous ways and experiences all over them.  After the Apostle Joshua gives them a washing by his words, gloves use will be a personal choice and not mandatory.  You may NOT take the cost of your own gloves out of Second Tithe!  The more excess 2-T you have, the more you can throw in the final offering. 

Wear Rubber Gloves Photo 1

Rule 8
Opening night of the Feast will begin ON TIME at 7 PM and end around 1 AM depending.  Any employees who fall out of the window or their seats and are injured will cover the costs of their own medical care and not charge the church.  Members who fall out will be left where they lie so others don't miss the dynamic revelations that up to now have not been revealed.  Those in the Diaspora who fall out will be revived IMMEDIATELY, placed back in their seats and slapped in the face until they recover to continue taking notes. 

Rappers make me fall asleep like lectures in class   Word

Rule 9
Services the first holy day and all subsequent days will begin at 9 AM and end at Noon.  Afternoon services will begin at 2 and run til 5 and evening services will be from PM to 1 am or there abouts.  In the spirit of restoration, all services are mandatory.  We have much ground to cover and the Apostle feels he has never quite given a sermon like these, well maybe back in December of 1988 but really not quite like this one.

Rule 10
Lunch and dinner between services will be held in the hall with all attendees bringing a simple bag lunch.  Singles should bring watermelons.  There is NO sense in spending God's money in the community when we have much better things we can do with it right here at HQ.  Please keep your lunch expenses to $2 per family member and dinner at $2.25.   The differences between that and what meals eaten out would cost can add nicely to the Holy day offerings if you get my drift.

From Fast Foods to Fad Diets &To Eating for Health | Akins Holistic

Rule 11
All free time by those in the returning diaspora shall be spent in reviewing sermon notes .  If you have any questions, you must ask one of the 16 on the Council of Agreers for the answers as only they have the answers.  The Apostle Joshua will take no questions during the Festival and none after, or ever.  Trust and obey, for in RCG, there is no other way...but to trust and obey...

GAGBAY - Just relax and trust me

Rule 12
There will be no first aid station as the Apostle Joshua has one of the best healing records in the ministry in all splinters.  Pre-anointed cloths will be available in the lobby for a love offering of at least $25.  The monies will be used to purchase the Steuben piece, "Joshua Fits the Battle of Jericho" for the Apostle Joshua, who has his eye on it for years.   No refunds if you do not feel healed.

Do You Need a Miracle? | RodParsley.

Rule 13
There will be A Youth Basketball Camp after evening services every other day of the feast from sometime after 1 AM to 3 AM.   Prospective Ambassador students will meet with the Apostle and the Council of 16 Agreers alone every morning from 5-7AM by appointment only. 

Rule 14
Those wishing to take the Restored Church Bible Correspondence Course need to sign up this Feast and submit a 7 page paper explaining just why you wish to take the course.  You MUST also sign an agreement to return all Correspondence Course Materials to the Restored Church of God if accepted to take the course or flunk big time.

Finals Schedules Out, Mass Hysteria - Onward State

Rule 15
All returning COG former members who were disfellowshipped by God himself, and that is all of you, will meet with the Apostle Joshua in a private reinstatement ceremony.  You MUST all be rebaptised into the Father, the Son (Christ), the Holy Spirit, The Apostle Joshua and the Council of 16  to be washed of your past affiliations.

Rule 16
Returning "ministers" not properly prepped before the Festival this year will wear the "Shoddy Shepherd Shirt"  you were sent when you applied for the Festival and to return to God's Church.  Since there are so many of you and naming you all publicly would take up precious sermon time, this First Festival requirement for all ministers so called is required as part of your journey back to wholeness.  Any non-RCG minister or not yet officially forgiven and sanctioned newbies caught speaking with the brethren without the shirt on will be dismembered once again for good.  Don't make us hurt you.

Good person with bad attitude T-Shirt | Spreadshirt | ID: 10875914

Rule 17
All food stuffs MUST be purchased from Giant Eagle located adjacent to the property.  We have made special arrangements with GE and they will kick in some money for the "Joshua Fit the Battle of Jericho" Steuben Ware, if we sent them some business.  So, if you are not in need of healing this Feast, you can still help get that Steuben to our Apostle Joshua with giving Giant Eagle your Feast business.

Rule 18
Once you come on to the property for the Festival, please do not leave again until after the last song of the PM to 1 am service.  If you have used your free time efficiently you will have no need to waste expensive gas driving around town looking for something else to do.  There is NOTHING else to do in Wadsworth but be at God's Feast and brainwashing each other into believing all you will hear is so. 

Rule 19
Please consider sleeping in your cars or perhaps bringing a small efficient tent to use on the property.  With as little time as you would actually be at motel, those monies can be used for God's work and Holy Day offerings.  Quiet time for sleep will be from 2 AM to 6 AM unless you are a prospective AC student seeking counseling from the 16. Then you will be allowed to be up and about by 4:45 AM

Rule 20
Clapping and standing ovations are ONLY ALLOWED for that which the Apostle Joshua says or does.  At no time shall you clap for sermons given by any others.  You MUST clap for the Apostle Joshua's sermons.  And please sound sincere.  Clapping is also encourage when the Apostle Joshua enters the Tabernacle.  You may line up after the services to speak with the Apostle in turn as long as the Apostle is available.  Please keep any bad attitudes in check should the Apostle leave before being able to speak with you.  Please try again.

yourliferules | rules for life philosophy inspiration satisfaction

Rule 21
There will be a special "Ministers Falsely Up To Now So Called" luncheon for returning ministers and their wives.  After the Festival, the Apostle Joshua C. Pack will send out a list of approved returning ministers and their ass-ignments if there are any.  Returning ministers who fail to return well or properly will be marked and named for the protection of the Church.  Of course, we wish them no ill will and are not messing with them ever again. 

Rejected without Review: Here's why it happens | Max Bingham

Well, I think that pretty much overs it.  Reunification and the best Feast ever...Just six weeks away!

Thank You Je....Christ!

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