Wednesday, November 5, 2014

You MUST keep two days of Feast of Trumpets in 2015 because of a 5% / 95% chance you are keeping the wrong day

Below is a quote from the Chief Pharisee of Armstrongism, James Malm.  His legalistic pile of mumbo-jumbo gets harder and harder for his followers to understand or follow.

He is already looking forward to the cultic version of the Feast of Tabernacles 2015.

FALL HOLY DAYS:   As usual the fall Holy Days are the most difficult to determine ahead of time.  Because of this Israel from the most ancient of times always set aside the earliest expected day as well as the next day, just in case the new moon was not seen on the earliest expected day.
This has given rise to Rabbinic Judaism keeping the Feast of Trumpets for two days, when it is only a one day High Day.  
Pharisee Malm wants his cult followers to miss two days of work next year just to make sure they have covered their ass and any "unpleasantness" that it might cause if they kept the "wrong" day..

In 2015 there is a very faint possibility that the Feast of Trumpets could be on Sep 15 although the overwhelming probability is that it will be on Sep 16th.  I do advise taking two days off work beginning with the earliest expected day to avoid any possible unpleasantness for both the Feast of Trumpets and the Fast of Atonement and the Feast of Tabernacles. 
It is about 5% likely that Atonement will be on Sep 24 and 95% that it will be on Sep 25th.  It is about 5% likely that the Feast of Tabernacles will begin on Sep 29 and 95% likely that it will begin on Sep 30.

Even the narcissistic asshats Flurry and Pack are not this controlling!  Well, at least not yet.  Once Malm trains them in the truth they will see the glorious light and COMMAND their members to keep two days.


Anonymous said...

What if Saturday is not the real 7th day? Oh crap. We should keep Friday and Saturday as the Sabbath. Or, maybe Wed and Thurs.
Or maybe Mon and Tues. He makes God appear to be very petty. Why not focus on doing something good, like James 1:27 says?

Anonymous said...

What world does Malm live in where it's no big deal to take an extra day off from work to be sure of properly observing a Canaanite festival adopted by ancient Israel?

Oh, I forgot. Malm is unemployed. He can take any day off work that he desires. But I'm not sure he has thought this through. Many of his dumb sheep will have used up all their vacation days keeping the Canaanite/Israelite feasts, so this extra day will be a day without pay, which will mean LESS TITHE MONEY going to Malm. Once he figures that out, watch for a new twist on his Pharisaic pronouncements.

Anonymous said...

What if it is cloudy for an entire week, so no one sees the new moon?

Connie Schmidt said...

Lets start a hedge fund to cover all bets!

Offer is 20 to 1 payoff for the lesser likely day to hit, and only a 1.05 to 1 payoff for the more likely day. Of course with an appropriate "tithe" or 10% vigorish on the transaction for the fund (the house) for covering all the bets.

The line will be able to move based upon wagers and to insure that there is equal hedging action on both sides of the wager.

Believe it or not, this is how Lloyds of London has operated for centuries! Creating markets on human behaviors.

Anonymous said...

See? This is exactly how the ultra-orthdox Jews developed their insane practices. You can see a Judaizing ultra-orthodoxy quickly evolving before your very eyes in the tiny cult of James Malm. Give it another few years and James Malm will require whoever is idiotic enough to believe him and follow him to keep all the Jewish festivals for more than one day.

And once again, where do James Malm's "statistical probabilities" come from? Is he just pulling them out of his ass once again?

Anonymous said...

Connie is right. What's more, our current crop of "too-complex-for-our-own-good" financial derivatives only developed in the early 1980's when John Hull engineered the first ones using computers to simulate large populations of stochastic random walks (Monte Carlo Simulation). These days, using proprietary volatility index algorithms, financial houses like J.P. Morgan can tell banks how much they must hold in reserves so that under 95% of circumstances they will be able to cover all positions they may hold, whether they be savings accounts, investments in the money market or in other financial markets.

If you're not up to this level, I doubt you have much chance of being able to appease an ancient Canaanite deity who demands perfect technical observance. All I can say is James Malm's god's heaven is going to be a ghost town. James himself is too much of a numbskull to qualify, that's for sure.

Byker Bob said...

Some Christians say that everyday is a holy day after you have accepted Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior, and you stop doing your own way. So, maybe Malm is getting closer to this by having extra holy days. But, I doubt it.


Anonymous said...

Why stop there?

Just to hedge my bets, I consider myself a member of every religion there is, even that Pope-ie one!

That way, when my body wears out, I'm assured of pleasing the true God or Gods and winning big afterlife prizes!

I pray to thousands of Gods every day, knowing that the good things that happened to me that day, including having a good bowel movement must be a miracle from one of Them.
I know that I'm on the right track because every day I'm WINNING mind boggling, shocking, fantastic surprises from whoever the real God/Gods really really are!

Yep, it's silly to hedge bets the way Malm suggests. It leads into a rabbit hole of the mind.

Black Ops Mikey said...

You'd think that if God had wanted Christians to keep the physical rituals He gave soley to the ancient Israelites, replete with sacrifices which everyone agrees are done away (oh no! maybe some Armstrongists somewhere are building altars and burning animal sacrifices!), that He would be much more clear on when those pesky holydays are supposed to be kept. Good luck in getting it right. Last I checked, nobody but nobody has it right (say, can you tell me the difference between the Lord's Supper and the Passover? Do you really think they are the same thing and should be kept on the same day, when Jesus didn't?).

So here's the deal: God isn't telling anyone definitively when the holydays are being kept because He doesn't want Christians keeping them.

And let's face it, the same principle applies to prophecies based on British Israelism.


All you members of the Cult of Herbert Armstrong Mafia are fools.

Byker Bob said...

Genetically, there is much more support for African Israelism (Lemba), and Ethiopian Israelism than there is for British Israelism.


old EXPCG hag said...

This is funny as hell...which just means a hole in the ground.