When Despair Comes Calling

When Despair Comes Calling

"The battle went hard against Saul, and the archers overtook him; and he was greatly distressed by reason of the archers."

I Samuel 31:3

I always read this scripture and elaborated on its implications when doing the funeral of a Church Member who had taken their own lives.  

This business of the "battle going hard" is one worth discussing.  Sometimes that's just how life feels and rarely, but on occasion, some of those disillusioned by their experience with the Bible, the Church and all the failed promises or misguided perspectives humans allow themselves to adopt can take a final toll.

 ⁴ Saul said to his armor-bearer, “Draw your sword and run me through, or these uncircumcised fellows will come and run me through and abuse me.”

   But his armor-bearer was terrified and would not do it; so Saul took his own sword and fell on it. ⁵ When the armor-bearer saw that Saul was dead, he too fell on his sword and died with him. ⁶ So Saul and his three sons and his armor-bearer and all his men died together that same day. 

Suicide is a very difficult topic to address when it involves those who had such hope gone badly with regards to religion.  It truly is a permanent solution to temporary problem, but it sure does not seem that way at the time.

As a former pastor, I knew the real truth of some of the deaths in the congregations around me.  I've known of both minister and member who outwardly died suddenly of this or that thing, but really ended their own lives.  It is unspeakable and very difficult to face for those who survive.  If the one who ended their life could see what carnage they leave behind with family and friends, they might rethink it.  However, thinking is not one's strong point when despair overtakes them.

The battle just got overwhelming and despair set down its roots leaving the person with nothing.

Suicide is always seen as a quick thing. It happens in seconds and minutes.  I have known good men, who in the despair of ongoing church drama and endless scandal drank themselves to death.  That takes a bit longer.  In our culture one is allowed to kill themselves slowly by confusing sugar, caffeine, alcohol and nicotine as the four food groups.  It's ok to kill yourself slowly.  But it is not ok to take your life quickly.  You can abuse yourself willingly years and die knowing life styles and addictions are taking their toll, but you can't turn on a lethal drip of something to choose the time of your death.

 We might wonder if Jesus, in the story, did not commit suicide.  Overturning tables in the Temple with the Romans already waiting to crush any trouble around the Temple during Passover might be considered suicidal.  It worked for Jesus.  Stephen seems to have committed suicide by flapping his mouth against those that could hurt him.  His deaconship was rather short lived.  He may have done better had he explained his position or discussed it. But just ramming it down their throats was definitely suicide.

In the Bible, some seem to see proof that "God" hates abortion and those that end the life of a child in the womb are murderers.  However, if you have any sense of the Bible stories, it is not difficult to conclude that all bets are off once the child is actually born.

  "God" is real big in the OT on scraping the children of the enemy off the face of the earth, and in ways that would leave most of us with life long nightmares if we saw how it was done.  Go watch the stoning of a woman on Youtube.  It still happens.  Actually don't.  You'll be sorry that clip now plays in your head.  Strange and horrific rules and laws from the mind of the God who became Love. 

But let's talk about the fast form and the form that arises when despair in the heart of the person has reached it's maximum. I realize this is an almost unspeakable topic. Let's talk about it. 

Recently I noticed that in my town all the radio preachers were talking about suicide.  It seemed odd.  All of them were warning against it or equating it to letting Satan get in and work his magic etc.  I found out that in the month just before and after Xmas, several local pastors had ended their lives.  Now the programs made sense, but the act of a minister killing himself did not of course and they felt they all had to talk about it.  I only recall them addressing it as a no no for the yet living congregants and Satan getting all the credit, but one never found out what the despair in the heart of the victim really was. 

Why do deeply religious people sometimes end their lives?  The killer is despair. Why despair?  Because in religion one is supposed to find the answers and the hope and the meaning of it all.  In our experience with WCG, the Wonderful World Tomorrow became the Horrible World Today again with a heavy dose of anger, skepticism and despair over "what it's all about."  Idealists and those who can't suffer drama well are perhaps the most vulnerable.

Our religious beliefs are supposed to relieve the drama, anxiety and fear we experience in life.  It's why when others attack your faith or beliefs we fight back. If you take away my truth or if you show me wrong in a way that leaves nothing encouraging, one loses courage and the trinity of drama, anxiety and fear return putting us back where we first began when we thought we had the truth that held it at bay.  We're all afraid of death. Religion is what humans adopt to reduce that fear and the anxiety that sits just below the surface whispering "it's all for nothing."  The last sermon I ever gave was entitled, "Nothing is for Nothing."  It was the only topic I could come up with to wrap up the previous 30 years.  I still believe it so we'll see.

According to Psychology Today...

In general, people try to kill themselves for six reasons:

1. They're depressed. This is without question the most common reason people commit suicide. Severe depression is always accompanied by a pervasive sense of suffering as well as the belief that escape from it is hopeless. The pain of existence often becomes too much for severely depressed people to bear. The state of depression warps their thinking, allowing ideas like "Everyone would all be better off without me" to make rational sense. They shouldn't be blamed for falling prey to such distorted thoughts any more than a heart patient should be blamed for experiencing chest pain: it's simply the nature of their disease. Because depression, as we all know, is almost always treatable, we should all seek to recognize its presence in our close friends and loved ones. Often people suffer with it silently, planning suicide without anyone ever knowing. Despite making both parties uncomfortable, inquiring directly about suicidal thoughts in my experience almost always yields an honest response. 
2. They're psychotic. Malevolent inner voices often command self-destruction for unintelligible reasons. Psychosis is much harder to mask than depression-and arguably even more tragic. The worldwide incidence of schizophrenia is 1% and often strikes otherwise healthy, high-performing individuals, whose lives, though manageable with medication, never fulfill their original promise.
3. They're impulsive. Often related to drugs and alcohol, some people become maudlin and impulsively attempt to end their own lives. Once sobered and calmed, these people usually feel emphatically ashamed. The remorse is usually genuine, and whether or not they'll ever attempt suicide again is unpredictable. They may try it again the very next time they become drunk or high, or never again in their lifetime.
4. They're crying out for help, and don't know how else to get it. These people don't usually want to die but do want to alert those around them that something is seriously wrong. They often don't believe they will die, frequently choosing methods they don't think can kill them in order to strike out at someone who's hurt them-but are sometimes tragically misinformed.
5. They have a philosophical desire to die. The decision to commit suicide for some is based on a reasoned decision often motivated by the presence of a painful terminal illness from which little to no hope of reprieve exists. These people aren't depressed, psychotic, maudlin, or crying out for help. They're trying to take control of their destiny and alleviate their own suffering, which usually can only be done in death.
6. They've made a mistake. This is a recent, tragic phenomenon in which typically young people flirt with oxygen deprivation for the high it brings and simply go too far. The only defense against this, it seems to me, is education.
7.  

Everyone I have ever asked, "Have you ever considered suicide," said..."yes of course. We all have those times when the thought crosses one's mind."  And then they forget about it. 

Sometimes those who find no reason to go on, and more commonly today than ever, feel the need to take others with them. Our collective experience with Milwaukee and the WCG is a case in point. I always felt that somewhere, sometime this event would come to WCG or at least one of the splinters. I felt it would happen a bit higher up the chain but the Saturday morning when I heard that there was a Saturday morning rampage in a church in a hotel setting, I said to myself, "It has happened."  And it had. That's what despair can do. 

What to look for.

WARNING SIGNS

Conditions associated with increased risk of suicide

• Death or terminal illness of relative or friend. 
•  
• Divorce, separation, broken relationship, stress on family. 
•  
• Loss of health (real or imaginary). 
•  
• Loss of job, home, money, status, self-esteem, personal security. 
•  
• Alcohol or drug abuse. 
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• Depression. In the young depression may be masked by hyperactivity or acting out behavior. In the elderly it may be incorrectly attributed to the natural effects of aging. Depression that seems to quickly disappear for no apparent reason is cause for concern. The early stages of recovery from depression can be a high risk period. Recent studies have associated anxiety disorders with increased risk for attempted suicide. 
•  

Emotional and behavioral changes associated with suicide

• Overwhelming Pain: pain that threatens to exceed the person's pain coping capacities. Suicidal feelings are often the result of longstanding problems that have been exacerbated by recent precipitating events. The precipitating factors may be new pain or the loss of pain coping resources.
• Hopelessness: the feeling that the pain will continue or get worse; things will never get better.
• Powerlessness: the feeling that one's resources for reducing pain are exhausted.
• Feelings of worthlessness, shame, guilt, self-hatred, no one cares. Fears of losing control, harming self or others.
• Personality becomes sad, withdrawn, tired, apathetic, anxious, irritable, or prone to angry outbursts.
• Declining performance in school, work, or other activities. (Occasionally the reverse: someone who volunteers for extra duties because they need to fill up their time.)
• Social isolation; or association with a group that has different moral standards than those of the family.
• Declining interest in sex, friends, or activities previously enjoyed.
• Neglect of personal welfare, deteriorating physical appearance.
• Alterations in either direction in sleeping or eating habits.
• (Particularly in the elderly) Self-starvation, dietary mismanagement, disobeying medical instructions.
• Difficult times: holidays, anniversaries, and the first week after discharge from a hospital; just before and after diagnosis of a major illness; just before and during disciplinary proceedings. Undocumented status adds to the stress of a crisis. 
•  

Suicidal Behavior

 

• Previous suicide attempts, mini-attempts.
• Explicit statements of suicidal ideation or feelings.
• Development of suicidal plan, acquiring the means, rehearsal behavior, setting a time for the attempt.
• Self-inflicted injuries, such as cuts, burns, or head banging.
• Reckless behavior. (Besides suicide, other leading causes of death among young people in New York City are homicide, accidents, drug overdose, and AIDS.) Unexplained accidents among children and the elderly.
• Making out a will or giving away favorite possessions.
• Inappropriately saying goodbye.
• Verbal behavior that is ambiguous or indirect: I'm going away on a real long trip., You won't have to worry about me anymore., I want to go to sleep and never wake up., I'm so depressed, I just can't go on., Does God punish suicides?, Voices are telling me to do bad things., requests for euthanasia information, inappropriate joking, stories or essays on morbid themes.  

How to Help

Take it seriously.

Myth: The people who talk about it don't do it. Studies have found that more than 75% of all completed suicides did things in the few weeks or months prior to their deaths to indicate to others that they were in deep despair. Anyone expressing suicidal feelings needs immediate attention. 
Myth: Anyone who tries to kill himself has got to be crazy. Perhaps 10% of all suicidal people are psychotic or have delusional beliefs about reality. Most suicidal people suffer from the recognized mental illness of depression; but many depressed people adequately manage their daily affairs. The absence of craziness does not mean the absence of suicide risk.
Those problems weren't enough to commit suicide over, is often said by people who knew a completed suicide. You cannot assume that because you feel something is not worth being suicidal about, that the person you are with feels the same way. It is not how bad the problem is, but how badly it's hurting the person who has it. 

Remember: suicidal behavior is a cry for help.

Myth: If a someone is going to kill himself, nothing can stop him. The fact that a person is still alive is sufficient proof that part of him wants to remain alive. The suicidal person is ambivalent -- part of him wants to live and part of him wants not so much death as he wants the pain to end. It is the part that wants to live that tells another I feel suicidal. If a suicidal person turns to you it is likely that he believes that you are more caring, more informed about coping with misfortune, and more willing to protect his confidentiality. No matter how negative the manner and content of his talk, he is doing a positive thing and has a positive view of you. 

Be willing to give and get help sooner rather than later.

Suicide prevention is not a last minute activity. All textbooks on depression say it should be reached as soon as possible. Unfortunately, suicidal people are afraid that trying to get help may bring them more pain: being told they are stupid, foolish, sinful, or manipulative; rejection; punishment; suspension from school or job; written records of their condition; or involuntary commitment. You need to do everything you can to reduce pain, rather than increase or prolong it. Constructively involving yourself on the side of life as early as possible will reduce the risk of suicide. 

Listen.

Give the person every opportunity to unburden his troubles and ventilate his feelings. You don't need to say much and there are no magic words. If you are concerned, your voice and manner will show it. Give him relief from being alone with his pain; let him know you are glad he turned to you. Patience, sympathy, acceptance. Avoid arguments and advice giving. 

ASK: Are you having thoughts of suicide?

Myth: Talking about it may give someone the idea. People already have the idea; suicide is constantly in the news media. If you ask a despairing person this question you are doing a good thing for them: you are showing him that you care about him, that you take him seriously, and that you are willing to let him share his pain with you. You are giving him further opportunity to discharge pent up and painful feelings. If the person is having thoughts of suicide, find out how far along his ideation has progressed.

If the person is acutely suicidal, do not leave him alone.

If the means are present, try to get rid of them. Detoxify the home. 

Urge professional help.

Persistence and patience may be needed to seek, engage and continue with as many options as possible. In any referral situation, let the person know you care and want to maintain contact. 

No secrets.

It is the part of the person that is afraid of more pain that says Don't tell anyone. It is the part that wants to stay alive that tells you about it. Respond to that part of the person and persistently seek out a mature and compassionate person with whom you can review the situation. (You can get outside help and still protect the person from pain causing breaches of privacy.) Do not try to go it alone. Get help for the person and for yourself. Distributing the anxieties and responsibilities of suicide prevention makes it easier and much more effective. 

From crisis to recovery.

Most people have suicidal thoughts or feelings at some point in their lives; yet less than 2% of all deaths are suicides. Nearly all suicidal people suffer from conditions that will pass with time or with the assistance of a recovery program. There are hundreds of modest steps we can take to improve our response to the suicidal and to make it easier for them to seek help. Taking these modest steps can save many lives and reduce a great deal of human suffering.

Sometimes the battle goes hard against us.  But ending one's life is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and leaves a lifetime of anger, guilt and shame for those left behind.  

"How do you know you are supposed to having the experience in life you are having?  Because you are having it."

Eckhart Tolle

"Experience is not only the best teacher, it is the only one.  Everything else is merely hearsay."

Me

I hope this is a helpful and balanced view.  Those you never hear about in the saga and drama of the WCG are those we need to remember and encourage. Tens of thousands associated with WCG have simply faded away to wonder what that was all about.  Most will keep searching for their truth and continue their journey. Some will give up or be tempted to give in to the despair that theological upheaval inflicted on the many by the few can cause.  Those who have hijacked the hopes of others, perpetuate their own views and do very very well at it will be fine.  They are empty clouds but doing well.

And finally in answer to the thought that went through your minds while reading this...the answer is no.  I am fine.  I have been here as have many.  But I am fine.

DenniscDiehl@aol.com    

When Depression Leads Pastors to Suicide

When depression leads pastors to suicide

One out of four pastors is depressed

Dec 01, 2009
 

"What kind of personal pain would cause a 42-year-old pastor to abandon his family, his calling and even life itself? Members of a Baptist church in Hickory, North Carolina, are asking that question after their pastor committed suicide in his parked car in September.

Those who counsel pastors say Christian culture, especially southern evangelicalism, creates the perfect environment for depression. Pastors suffer in silence, unwilling or unable to seek help or even talk about it. Sometimes they leave the ministry. Occasionally the result is the unthinkable.

Experts say clergy suicide is a rare outcome to a common problem. But Baptists in the Carolinas are soul searching after a spate of suicides and suicide attempts by pastors. In addition to the recent suicide of David Treadway, two pastors in North Carolina attempted suicide and three in South Carolina died by suicide, all in the past four years".   THE CHRISTIAN CENTURY

What would cause a Christian Minister, Pastor or Cleric to take their lives?  On the basic level, the reasons would be the same as for anyone who makes the conscious (or unconscious) decision to end their lives.  Despair seems to be the bottom line and is simply a condition a human being arrives at after they have spent years perhaps in denial over their reality, choices or personal failures or circumstances in life.

Let's get this out of the way.  Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  Easy to say and certainly those who "would never think of such a thing..." can see the truth in that.  However, when lost in the fog of despair, it seems like THE solution to a permanent problem.  And in answer to the impolite question most would ask me is...yes I have.  I find that almost everyone I have asked about this topic say "yes" at one time in life or another.  So the thought is common among humans evidently.

I know several COG ministers who have committed suicide over the years of WCG drama, scandal and disappointments.  They are not listed on the sites that note such things.  More have ended their lives than those whose lives ended by suicide are noted.  The men I knew put on a good front.  Intelligent guys with hearts for ministry and their congregations.  Men, who as young men or even kids found hope in the teachings of the WCG.  It took years to realize that the more you looked at the details of the "Big Picture," the more disheartened you could become.  These men drank themselves to death.  I believe they meant to and of course the fog of drink to delay the pain felt makes getting out of the hole of despair almost impossible.
 

Over the years as a Pastor, several members committed suicide. One very nice fellow came to see me to talk, drove around the block I lived on, never stopped and drove home to end his life.  I did have one man hang himself from his CB tower, rather unsuccessfully.  He hung enough to not be able to get out of hanging but did not hang enough to die.  When EMS rescued him, he called me to say he wanted me to remarry him and his wife.  I guess he had a revelation hanging around on that tower.  Probably a common thing but few get to undo what they have done.

I always quoted the Old Testament account of Saul falling on his sword.  It simply says "and the battle went hard against him..."   That explains it all.  That is the definition of despair.

At any rate, I don't intend this to be a study in anything.  I would like to express my own thoughts, based on my own experiences on why a minister would commit suicide.
 

A.  First of all, because or she is human first.  Those who minister well and sincerely until the despair and disillusionment hit really want to teach and encourage others in the hope that lies within them.  That was my goal and no matter how many times I am told "but you were one of them,"  I know my heart very well.  I am not speaking of the nut cases who see themselves in the pages of the Bible, both Old Testament and New.  These men are mentally ill and need meds not contributions.  But I spare you.  The pastoral types I knew were generally and probably healer types all their lives.  They tended to put others first and themselves last. They probably had a temperament very close to ENFP (Extrovert, Intuitive, Feeling, Perceptive)  Job descriptions for these types are along the lines of "pastors, social workers, ministers and yes, even massage therapists...I'm not making this up)  They have a heart for pastoring no matter the denomination. 

The problem can be is that they are idealists and get totally befuddled over the concept of "I wouldn't do that to you, why did you do that to me?"  They believe the best until they can't and then when they can't, they go into denial hoping against hope time will heal or change what they see but have a hard time accepting.  They are also good followers IF they believe in the leadership.  They also tend to be the leaders worst critic when they wake up.

About 20 years ago I ended myself up in a counseling program for depression.  One morning my little group of equally depressed types were told to show up at the gym.  When there, we could see there was a regular wooden pallet in the middle of the gym floor and we all were simply told to all make a way to get on the pallet and get our feet off the floor for 30 seconds.  There were almost too many humans for a bit too little of a pallet.  At any rate, feeling like fools, we all did as asked.  When finished, we went back to the group session and the leader asked us one question.  "Where did you find yourself on the pallet?"   It hit me right between the eyes and I got it.  Some were smack in the middle assuring their place. You can't fall off the middle.  We were all scattered from the center of the pallet to the edges.  Guess where I was?  Yep...on the very edge, hardly able to stay on, arms around all I could embrace to hold them on with me.  I have been doing that all my life.  Caretakers when in despair tend to feel life is all or nothing.

B.  Ministers take their lives because they have to live a double life.  By the way, this is true of every member as well.  I have met NOT ONE MINISTER who did not have two ways of being once we got acquainted.  There is the way one thinks they are supposed to be and that bangs up against the way one also is.  Both are sincere and both exist in everyone actually.   When you join a church, you put on the mask and hope to keep the other side at bay.  I don't believe we have "an evil side," just the "other side."  ....the human side.  Every minister I know and knew has topics that he feels strongly about but has to balance that by saying,  "but if I teach that, I'll lose my job."

The problem is that while members in a congregation demand forgiveness and understanding when they fall short, that grace is not generally extended to the minister who is just like them.  The minister tends to be the sacrificial goat and the member expects him/her to be and do what they generally have no intention of being or doing.  Its why we don't think it's such a big deal for the Pope to forgive the guy who tried to kill him.  HE"S THE POPE!  HE HAS TO FORGIVE HIM!  THE POPE IS A PROFESSIONAL FORGIVER!

It's the rejection and despair of having to pray others won't find them out that leads to ending one's life at times.  I at least have to credit the Apostle Paul in his writings in Romans with admitting to this duality and pain.  Paul was a very guilt and shame ridden human being.  Conveniently we aren't told by him what the thorn in the flesh was or what it was that he should have done, but couldn't do but I understand it.  You only let out the fact that there is a struggle.  But the nature of the struggle or the despair it causes is often just something that most don't trust to share about.  Admitting one's struggle to some types can also be a form of suicide.  You know..."twas not a foe who did deride for that I could endure....."

C.  Ministers take their lives literally because when their faith tanks no matter the reason, there doesn't seem to be anything else.  It has been their career, job, calling and inspiration for decades.  Finding out or suspecting one has wasted a life teaching the wrong thing, or being with the wrong group, or sacrificing for the wrong cause can bring despair.  Or as one of my counselors said once when he first met me...."Wow...you got fired by God!"    At the time, it wasn't funny.

D.  Ministers take their lives because of their sense of personal failure and also letting others down.  I always admired those who really seemed not to give a flying leap about what others think of them, and that is probably better mental health, but most pastor types do care.  It goes with the turf and their idealism and healer tendencies.  Most genuine ministers, regardless of what denomination of which one Jesus and God  really like, are healers by nature.  These healer/idealist types are NOT the ones who rise to high position in organizations.  They are not the type who declare themselves to be Prophets, Priests, Apostles or Witnesses.  Many men who rise to these positions do so on the backs of the healers and idealists.  Healers and idealists do not become gurus or dictators.  When things fall apart, they generally and quietly slip away unnoticed.  Some are overtaken by their idealism gone bad.  They may lack the balance to accept certain realities in the world of people.  I find the solution to this sometimes misplaced idealism to be curable by abiding by the Four Agreements by Ruiz.

The Four Agreements are:

1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don’t Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

Well, this is not all there is to this topic, but some of the more personal reasons, in my experience and even in my own struggle with all the losses and change that has exploded my own idealism and caretaking tendencies.  It's a big topic.  We're all in this together even if we can't quite figure out anymore what "this" is.

The Spa beckons and I have to go rub someone the right way for a change..Gotta go....:)

DenniscDiehl@aol.com