Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Dennis On: "And Finally...Forgive Yourself"





And Finally...Forgive Yourself

Dennis Diehl - EzineArticles Expert AuthorForgiveness is such a difficult topic to deal with and has so many complicated dynamics. Either it is almost an impossibility for people to grasp, or maybe it is so simple, we simply don't get it. It's probably both.

Most of the time we focus on either being forgiven by others, which has it's own dynamics, or trying to figure out how to forgive those that hurt or offended us. Everyone has both kinds forgiveness going on and so it can get complicated at times. We often are motivated by the idea of "well, I guess I have to forgive them because they said they forgave me...how dare them, damn it." Even the Bible encourages Christians to forgive simply because they were forgiven by God,through Jesus. It even says that God forgave us, not for our sake, but for Jesus sake, which seems a bit like missing the intended mark. I want to be forgiven for my sake for Jesus sake!

Frankly, most don't really forgive but rather let it go to a point of trying not to think about it and yet it simmers on the stove, always available to continue in some form of drama or painful memories to throw back and forth like lawn darts trying to hit the ring right in the middle and claim points over.

I have people in my life who I hope in time would forgive me and I have issues with some for which I need to keep growing toward a more complete and genuine forgiveness. I am at a stage where I am able to look back and see that sometimes what seems such an insult is really an opportunity to grow past something where things can work out better than it ever could have without the push. It is not always this way, of course, but can be if we look for the good in the "bad," which often lurks there grinning at us.

I'd like to talk a bit about the one kind of forgiveness that seems the most difficult of all. That would be forgiving YOURSELF. Forgiving yourself is something that is the final issue to be resolved when offenses have occurred for which forgiving or being forgiven has run it's course. We either can forgive others, and we do it over time and in degrees, or we can't. We are either forgiven, again over time and to various degrees, or we are not. We can control the pace of the one, forgiving others, but not when, if or how others forgive us. That is their issue, not ours, even though we wish it could be given in such a ways as to feel genuine and perhaps open some new doors to reconciliation in any way.

But forgiving yourself feels almost impossible. Why? First of all, there is that funky part of our nature that feels our forgiving our self is contingent on being forgiven FIRST by others for our offenses. Once they do that, then MAYBE, one can think of forgiving themselves. The problem is you might wait until hell freezes over before you are given permission of this kind to forgive yourself. If you forgive yourself without being forgiven by others, there tends to be a voice in your head that says, "How dare you forgive yourself. We have not forgiven you yet. What are you thinking!" It is followed by, "when we get around to forgiving you, we will let you know and then you can play at forgiving yourself, you jerk."

You see , forgiving oneself seems to others a some form of denial or that you don't take what has happened very seriously. To forgive yourself is to send a message that you are rather shallow or oblivious to the pain caused, when in fact, only you know that it is the depth of the pain that makes you want to be able to forgive yourself and move on. NO ONE can be harder on me than me. That is my own experience. I am the monkey on my own back when I cause pain to others. Perhaps others don't know this, believe this or even want to think this as it might take away some of the sting they can inflict if they choose to, but it is true. Most sensitive people, who even care about this topic are way ahead of their accusers in self condemnation and knowing the pain they have caused that they seek forgiveness for. There are flippant types who hurt others and seem oblivious to it. I do not speak of this type of person, nor is that who I am.

Secondly, as mentioned, we feel that if we forgive ourselves, even if there is no forgiveness extended to us, we are not taking the drama seriously enough. I felt and can feel guilty if not careful for even enjoying life as that might prove I don't take things seriously enough on this topic of forgiveness. "No I won't forgive you. You don't seem miserable enough yet." So often, being forgiven includes requirements and proof you are really sorry for the offense and prove it day and night, over and over by being miserable, practically forever...amen.

Sometimes the requirements that one must meet to be forgiven are just impossible to comply with. Sometimes there is a temptation to comply just to feel forgiven, but it won't last as the two really can't be connected. Forgiveness is a clean experience that allows everyone to be who they really are and think as they really think, no apologies. Anything less is mere compliance for a time and then of course, on go the masks until the next time they fall off. Messy forgiveness is the obligatory kind usually enforced by a fear that if we don't, then Jesus or God or some Deity might just not forgive us of our picky little sins, that we really have very few of.

So in order to forgive ones self, one has to not connect the forgiveness with performance as proof. I can only speak for myself, and I am sure this would be a point of contention, but when I cause the need to be forgiven, I was doing the best I could at the time of the perceived problem. We always do our best at any particular moment which is different from doing better as others might wish us to do to come up to standards they feel are more correct, in their view. But doing better is a future thing. Doing our best is what we always do at any moment we do what we do, or we would do better!

Finally, it is hard to forgive ourselves because we tie being able to do that with fixing that which we are needing to be forgiven for. I am a fixer and caretaker by nature. That is how I am wired. ENFP according to Meyers and Briggs. That is Extrovert, Intuitive, Feeling and Perceptive. People like me become ministers, counselors, negotiators and of all things, massage therapists. So I have not strayed far from how I was wired at birth. We are negotiators because we tend to see both sides of all stories and the points that both sides make for their views. But the downside to this is that we can get stuck in views and not make decisions. If we can't fix it, we can't move on. If we can't fix it, then we don't mean it. If we can't fix it, then we are shallow and gutless. The fact is that some things just don't fix. That is painful but true. All things broken cannot be fixed and if forgiveness of the self is based on first fixing that which is broken, or different, or changed or one sided, then you can't forgive yourself and never will. And so you spin. Damned if you do and damned if you don't. Stuck between rocks and hard places, heaven and earth, the devil and the deep blue sea.

But, fixing is not a criteria for forgiving yourself. It can't be because we can't always fix that which is broken but we must forgive ourselves as a part of real living.

So examine how things came to be.

Know that you probably were doing the best you could under the circumstances at that time and that is not the same as doing better, but these are two different things.

Don't base your need to forgive yourself on whether anyone else on the planet forgives you for what you have done, not done or said you wished you could do.

Realize that, of course, you have taken this all very seriously. This might be proven by, oh say, the tears, the anxiety, the doubt, the head banging against the wall, the depression, which is anger turned inwards. It might be the shame you feel which is a perception that you have not lived up to tribal or religious expectations, as if most do, or the guilt over breaking the taboos of the group. Only you need to know how seriously you take that which happens in life and do not let your forgiving yourself depend on whether others give you permission to do so.

And finally, some things don't fix. Just getting back into some box that doesn't work is not a fix. Patching is not fixing and trying to be what others expect as the only way to fix is patching and masking. Often things don't fix because one is not accepted for what they are, how they think or what they believe. This is why many with marital problems separate for six months, return, separate for three months, return and then separate for one week , return for their socks and can't fix it.

Forgiveness is not something to take for granted, but a healthy life includes the ability to see through this topic in practical ways and forgive YOURSELF as well, and maybe even first of all.


And finally finally, since writing this I have had to face that some things don't fix personally and it is painful to be sure.  But there is one more level of forgiveness that exists and it is for the mature to say the least.  Give up the idea that you need to forgive in the first place or that you require someone to express their sorry to you.  This is the truest freedom of all, but we'll save it for another time. 


Dennis C. Diehl
DenniscDiehl@aol.com

Monday, January 23, 2012

Van Robinson On: "The Indoctrinated Mind Is Set In Cement"





THE INDOCTRINATED MIND IS SET IN CEMENT


I have personally encountered many sources through the Internet that cannot be penetrated in their thinking.  It includes some in splinter groups of the Worldwide Church of God.  Most often when confronted they are
silent, although some are antagonistic.  A good friend of mine in Canada and myself were once on a Mennonite Forum, and my friend was excommunicated from the forum because the moderator did not like his comments about the world of "Churchianity."  I was blasted by one of their "pastors" who informed me that he was a "real pastor" and let me have it with two barrels.  Naturally I took an exit.  Why waste my time?

My sister is a Mormon and although I love her dearly, she is programmed into a cult belief.  I cannot penetrate the cement of her thinking.  I have found over the years that this is true of many no matter what their religious affiliation.  The Worldwide Church of God is only one of many cult religious groups.  Splinter groups of the Worldwide Church of God are off base and the bottom line is CONTROL and MONEY.  It matters not that they tell their people that they are doing the "work of God" or call them "brethren."  That is just part of the deception.  Sure the common people are most likely good people, sincere and friendly, but they are under cult domination.

Indoctrination of the human mind happens the world over and it not only applies to religions, but to many other aspects of human life.  For example those in police work or enforcement are programmed and indoctrinated to believe, act and perform based upon their schooling.  Are they necessarily programmed correctly?  Who decides this?  Who determines the standard of right and wrong?  Was it right for the government to martyr innocent men, women, children and babies in Waco (for those who remember and are aware of this atrocity)?  Naturally the public is fed a steady stream of propaganda and lies to "justify" this mass murder.  So they had some beliefs that were different?  So what?  What right does the government have to destroy?  If they will do it to one group, they will do it to any group or individual they so choose to do so.

The indoctrinated mind is the mind of those in the Worldwide Church of God, the Roman Catholic Church, the Mormon Church, the Jehovah Witnesses, Scientology, Baptists, Pentecostals, Methodists, Presbyterians, Church of Christ, Seventh Day Adventist, Sacred Name and a myriad of other groups.  It is endless and yet every group thinks they have "truth."  Trying to convince anyone that what they believe is not the truth is next to impossible. Even in the world of government and its agencies, they are all programmed to perform based upon their training or schooling.  Who sets the standard and is it right?

It would almost seem that only when people begin to reason within themselves will they question and if anyone tries to influence them in a different direction, they will automatically resist.  I have been chewed up and spit out by many Bible apologists and others who defend their religious beliefs tenaciously.  No matter what you say, they have a different answer or twist to the issue.  This is a great source of frustration, because the indoctrinated mind will not receive alternative possibilities to the cement that is set in stone in their thinking.  Ever try to convince a Saturday Sabbath keeper that days of the week are inconsequential?  Ever try to convince a tithe payer that they are not blessed or cursed on the basis of tithing?  Ever try to convince a "Christian" that God does not micro-manage their lives, and that He does not cause them to get a better paying job because they keep the Saturday Sabbath?

My own son-in-law thinks he got a better paying job because he started to keep the Saturday Sabbath.  I wonder what he would think about how many Saturday Sabbath keepers have been killed in car accidents and why they were not protected?  Many think they are "blessed materially" because they are tithe payers.  I wonder why many human beings the world over are financially well off and many even wealthy, who are not tithe payers, and who do not even believe in Jesus Christ or God?  It just proves that many have faulty reasoning, but it is next to impossible to convince them otherwise because they are programmed to think as they do.  Their minds are set in cement.


Van Robison

Video Request: "Why I Hate Religion, But Love Jesus"

I have had several requests over the last week to post this video that  has went viral.  
Here is a young man telling why he hates religion, but loves Jesus, 
despite what organized religion has done to him.  
Is he justified in his words, crazy, or deceived by Satan?  
Some of the die-hard Armstrongites are already stating that this young guy is deceived by Satan 
because he is not part of the true church.