Why Do People Remain in Abusive Churches?

By Don Enevoldsen

“The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone.’” (Genesis 2:18)

Who would have thought that the first thing God identified as not good would become the strongest tool of control and abuse in history? Human beings recognize how undesirable isolation is, and they prove it by their willingness to do anything to avoid being alone. That fact explains a wide range of dysfunctional behavior, from the tendency to stay in unhealthy relationships to a fanatical devotion to abusive churches and church leaders.

I was recently asked why people stay in abusive churches, not only refusing to leave, but actively defending the system, even when there is overwhelming evidence of hypocrisy, deception and unethical behaviors. A variety of factors combine to produce this state, and while motives can be complex, they generally revolve around the fear of losing connection with the community. Instinctively, most people prefer the familiarity of an unhealthy community to abandonment by the community. Better to belong to something, even if it’s bad, than to be alone.

The threat of being ostracized hangs over every part of abusive church systems. It has always been this way. Recall the parents of the blind man Jesus healed. They avoided defending their own son out of this fear of being cast out.

“His parents said this because they were afraid of the Jewish leaders, who already had decided that anyone who acknowledged that Jesus was the Messiah would be put out of the synagogue.” (John 9:22)

All their son did was tell the truth. Their fear prompted them to distance themselves from his defense, even though they were his parents and they saw for themselves that he’d been healed.

Why is this drive so strong? Why is being alone so terrifying? There might be many reasons, but the one that dominates my experience can be seen by examining what causes members of an abusive church their greatest anxiety. Having spent many years in a church where the pastors understood how to push all the right buttons to keep people in line, I’ve had considerable opportunity to observe abuse at its most subtle and its most effective.

For many years I worked very hard at this church. I was head of the drama department, writing and directing plays, Easter pageants, Christmas musicals, and helping to create illustrated sermons. I taught Sunday School classes, did the midweek service for many years, acted as church liaison for many community and political events, and did hospital visitation.

Significantly I had most of those responsibilities before I was on the church staff. Like most volunteers, I sat on the edge of my seat every time the pastor talked about something I was involved in, hoping to hear my name mentioned, even if it was only in passing.

People work incredibly hard for the smallest pat on the back, in the form of some sort of public mention or a title or a small, inexpensive thank you gift. Anything to feel that our efforts were noticed. We see it as an acknowledgement that we have earned a position in the organization. We belong to something bigger than ourselves.

Conversely, we are terrified of what might happen if we do not perform well enough or if we make a mistake. Someone else might replace us and we will suddenly be on the outside looking in. We can’t conceive of not being part of the group. Our sense of who we are becomes so enmeshed in the organization that being kicked out would confirm our worst fears that we might not have much value. No identity and no connection. Alone and forgotten.

It’s not hard to manipulate such people. My pastor often said that they were the best employees because they worked so hard. They are often thought of as people pleasers, but it needs to be understood that the reason for people pleasing is the fear of being sent away. A pat on the back, balanced with the hint that failure to be good enough will result in removal of all approval, and such people will do almost anything. I can assure you that in those days, I would. And I saw it in many others.

Add to that a steady diet of sermons about obeying leaders and submitting to authority if you don’t want God to be displeased with you, and the result will be a loyal, devoted fanatic, for whom no amount of rational argument will be adequate to break the hold of the abusive system. They will defend the pastor and the church against all comers. Note the reaction of Creflo Dollar’s congregation as detailed in Part 13 of this series. The facts of the case don’t matter.

It is in our nature to seek community. A healthy community thrives on the diverse contributions of healthy individuals. Members of the group are encouraged to grow, to express themselves, to find their individual, unique identity and to discover their purpose in life—for the good of themselves and for the benefit of other members.

An unhealthy community thrives on hierarchical control that forces its members into subservient roles—for the good of the organization, not the good of the members within the organization.

It is in our nature to seek community, but it is also in our nature to seek individuality within the community. We must express our unique identity to ever find genuine contentment. Express yourself in an abusive community, however, and they won’t allow you to hang around. You are a threat to the power structure. Until you start questioning the authority, you might never see the overt hostility. Question leaders, however, and you are guaranteed to see it firsthand. Abusive leaders never react nicely.

Where you fit into this dynamic says a lot about you. People stay in abusive systems because the desire for community has overwhelmed all other needs. Fear of abandonment has obscured the necessity for individual expression. Fear of not being good enough has twisted commitment to the community into a self-destructive duty, devoid of personal fulfillment or satisfaction.

Why do people stay in abusive churches? Because they have been taught that disapproval by the church or by the leadership equals rejection by God. And if you’re rejected by God, where can you go? That kind of fear is not easily overcome.

Though difficult to understand or accept when you have been indoctrinated in an abusive church, churches that foster genuine community do exist. Healthy people are never alone for long. They find other healthy people and they form healthy communities. The irony is that until you risk being alone, you will likely never notice those people.

A Reminder to Those Caught Up in Their One Man Show

 The following are basic human, religious and spiritual rights any person has as a member of EVEN the Restored, Philadelphia , Living and Continuing Churches of God .

You have the right to expect the church to keep your personal contributions private and should be able to expect that any who deal with such things for accounting purposes will do the same.

You have the right to expect that your membership in any church or congregation is not contingent on how much you give or do not give. You should also expect that jobs, positions, opportunities or offices are not given based on the amount anyone gives to the church.

You have the right to say I can only give this even if it is not a tithe of your income gross or net.

You have the right not to be spiritually judged or have your loyalty or sincerity questioned based on what you are able or unable to give financially to the church.

You have the right to ask a Pastor if he checks tithes and offerings for any of the above reasons before giving to a church.

You have the right to say "I'm tired and won't be there, " to any and all activities, plays, fundraisers, studies, seminars, prayer groups, rehearsals, practices and sermons.

You have the right to say "I don't care about that."

You have the right to question the advice, counsel or sermon of any minister, elder, deacon or any other person in authority. You have the right to question authority and to still expect to be allowed to attend your church. You have the right to question a minister who declares himself one or both of the Two Witnesses of Revelation, a Prophet, the Supreme Watcher of Mankind for God, The Only True Apostle in this Age and any other title or position he can come up with to impress you as to why you need to support him.

You have the right to suggest a pastor get spiritual or psychological help should the need arise. You have the right tell him that the congregation is noticing a trend here.

You have the right to ask why the church believes what it does when the Bible might say otherwise, or why the Bible says something that the church practices that seems scary, weird, inappropriate for this time, out of date or controlling. You have the right to notice that ministers often quote scriptures out of context or fail to enforce or address the rest of the story that does not agree with the point they are trying to make.

You have the right to ask all the "how can that be," "how could that happen," "why does it say this here and that there," questions you can come up and expect an intelligent answer. If you are told that you are using human reasoning, ask the pastor what kind of reasoning he uses. If he says "God's," find another church.

You have the right to not want elders, deacons or your friends accompanying the minister on visits to your home to talk to you.

You have the right to discuss or not discuss your life with the minister as you see fit.

You have the right to expect absolute confidentiality and for your story not to show up in the sermon next week, even though "I won't say the name."

You have a right to be called ahead of time when the pastor wants to ask about stopping over.

You have the right, when he calls to say, "I'm tired," "I'm busy," "No, but I appreciate the call," without repercussions.

You have the right to keep a dirty home, grass not mowed perfectly, an older car, red in color and kids that don't say "yes sir, nice to see you sir," in just the right way.

You have the right to watch and read what you wish even if the pastor just got done bashing that particular program, movie or book from the pulpit in his sermon on "Demons in Your Home--Six Ways to Assure Your Eternal Death."

You have the right to ask the pastor not to call on you at work, even if you own the business.

You have the right to say, "I can't afford to take you to lunch." "I can't afford to give you free wood or brick." "I can't afford to fix your house up free," "I can't fix all your teeth," to your pastor should he expect professional courtesies, even if he offers to do your funeral free.

You have a right to expect free use of your church for weddings and funerals.

You have the right to expect these usages are not dependent on you, your parents or children living a sinless life six months prior to the date of the event.

You have the right not to answer questions your pastor may ask you or your children about your sexual practices. If he insists, then insist that you all share together.

You have the right to not let the pastor inform you as to who you can and cannot date or marry.

You have the right to enjoy your sexuality free of church or pastoral approval. Something that is wrong for the pastor is not necessarily wrong for you in how you express yourself to your partner. There is no Bible prohibition against....well you know. And if there were, you'd have the right to disagree with that too.

You have the right to not share which or if you are taking medications of any sort with the pastor.

You have the right to take such medication and not be judged as having a lack of faith or trust in God to heal you.

You have the right to seek professional help without informing your Pastor of the nature of the help and you have the right to not be helped solely by the pastor under threat of repercussions.

You have the right to insist the pastor get professional help should the need arise and the man is causing more harm than good. You have the right to remind him that God does not directly speak to him nor express His will only through the mind of the pastor and that makes you uncomfortable if he thinks that is so.

You have the right to be wrong about a many things.

You have the right to believe you are correct about many things without repercussions.
You have the right not to care about everything that others think you must care about to be a good Christian.

You have the right to tell the pastor he is wrong, mistaken or exaggerating.

You have the right to dress as you wish, wear the jewelry you wish and make up you wish or not wish without being labeled a whore or a goody goody.

You have the right to feel that dressing as if it was still 1957 and only watching Disney Movies or How the West Was Won as proof of your pureness is baloney. You have the right to not be told that the best times for entertainment, movies and TV was when the Pastor was a boy. You have the right to like the food he does not like and to not like the foods he does. You have the right to like the schools he doesn't and not like the ones he does.

You have the right not to bear your soul to the ministers wife.

You have the right to like or not like, agree or not agree with the ministers wife.

You have the right to not view the world through the pastor's eyes morally or politically. You have the right to hate the war while he believes the war in Iraq is God's will and thinks it's all in the Bible.

You have the right to expect him to speak clearly where he thinks the Bible speaks for us today and to walk slowly and drink cool water where it doesn't.

You have the right to tell the pastor that that is his opinion and not necessarily the only true opinion on earth.

You have the right for you, your children, your partner and your friends to be themselves.

These are but a few of the rights any member of any Church, congregation or religious organization has. In short, you have the right to not be required to check your brains, your insights, your perspectives and your free will at the door to be welcome and a member of any church

When A Church of God Prophet Lacks Faith

I received an email from a reader here that posed an observation about Almost Arrested Doubly Cursed Elisha Elijah Amos Joshua, Second Witless Witness, World reknown Mayan Authority, Possessor of all knowledge about Catholicism and the Chief Overseer of the improperly named "continuing" Church of God, the end time prophet extraordinaire, Bob Thiel.

The dubious false prophet claims to have a direct pipeline to the wisdom of God and therefore is justified in thrusting his thick Bible  at people and uttering dubious speculations.

If the lying false prophet was actually a REAL prophet then he would not begin everyone of his endless speculations with this:

"Could ______ (insert person, event) be a fulfillment of _____________(insert Bible verse)?

The reader made this very acute observation about the lying false prophet:

It's been some decades since my Old Testament Class in College (DePauw, not Ambassador, so suspect already), but I seem to recall that the Prophets of Old always said "this is happening because" or "this will happen unless."  ...they spoke with some degree of decisiveness, unlike COGWriter, who leaves himself a fair amount of wiggle room.

The difference between the prophets of old and the legion of babbling morons in the hundreds of splinter Church of God's, is that every single one of these"prophet's" does into have the balls to take a real stand.  Given the track record of the thousands of COG "prophets" over the decades, it is probably a good thing, even though it really shows these men (and a couple women) truly lacked faith.

Bob Thiel's lack of faith does not allow him to take a strong position, instead he allows "a fair amount of wiggle room" with his utterances. Apparently having a double-dose of the "holy spirit," as he claims, has not been beneficial to him.