Welcome to COG, Incorporated

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Welcome to (Splinter Name Here), Incorporated. You have been accepted into this Super-Secret Corporation for the sole purpose of backing up and supporting (Splinter Leader Here)  on his mission to "Warn the World". You will also be responsible for the financial support of any and all projects that (Splinter Leader Here) deems necessary. 

Unlike most corporations, we will not pay you. You will pay us. The reward for you will be knowing you are contributing to (Splinter Leader Here)  "Warning the World", and the chance of your qualifying for eternal life. 

Please familiarize yourself with your Job Duties. You will be responsible for following the Code of Conduct of the Corporation, and following all rules and guidelines set for you by the Church and by your Direct Supervisor. 

SABBATH AND HOLY DAYS

These are required attendance Job Events. You must attend required Corporate Meetings as scheduled. Attendance is mandatory. Failure to attend these Job Events will result in discipline up to and including termination of employment. 

Sabbath and Holy Day Observance begins at precisely Sunset on the required Day and ends at precisely Sunset the next evening. Sabbaths are always observed Friday Night through Saturday Nights. Holy Days are observed as scheduled. 

Dress Code for Job Events is Professional Dress only. This means Jacket and Tie for men, Dresses for ladies. You must bring required Job Guidebooks to Job Events, as well as pen and notebook. Your children are required to attend as well. 

SICK POLICY

You must contact your Direct Supervisor to inform them if you are sick and unable to attend Job Events. Repeated failure to attend Job Events may result in Discipline up to and including Termination. 

FRATERNIZATION POLICY

You must not fraternize deeply with non-Employees of the Corporation. You also may not marry, date, or otherwise romantically fraternize with non-Employees of the Corporation. Failure to follow this policy may result in Discipline up to and including Termination. 

INSUBORDINATION POLICY

You must submit and obey the directives of your Direct Supervisor, and any other Supervisor of the Corporation. Failure to follow any directive of any Supervisor of the Corporation may result in Discipline up to and including Termination. 

BENEFIT PROGRAM

As an Employee, you qualify for the following benefits:

A chance to qualify for eternal life, subject to job performance and obedience to Direct Supervisors

Attendance at Yearly Convention

Attendance at Corporate Social Events

Free Subscriptions to Church Corporate Periodicals

Weddings, Funerals, and other Ceremonies conducted by your Direct Supervisor

A chance to qualify for third tithe financial support, if absolutely needed

A Free Convention Parking Sticker For your Car

A chance to qualify for Advancement

Square Dances

Taco Salad and Vegetarian Beans at Potlucks

Dwighty Songs

RULES AND REGULATIONS

You must not date anyone of the same gender, or of a different race, at any time. 

You must maintain approval of your Direct Supervisor to date, propose, or to marry any other Employee.

You must follow approved Policies on all romantic or sexual activities, in or out of Marriage, at all times. 

You must refrain from profanity, coarse, or unallowable conversation at all times. 

You must never call the Minister by his first name, ever. He is to be referred to as "Mr." at All Times. 

You may not refuse advancement; nor may you ask for advancement. The decision is solely up to your Supervisor. 

You must not applaud for any reason unless approved at Job Events. 

You must not observe any non-Corporate events at any time. This includes any worldly celebration, unless approved. 

You must not watch any television programs not approved by Corporate at any time. 

You must not listen to any music not approved by Corporate at any time. 

You must not dress in any way not approved by corporate at any time, whether at or not at Job Events. 

You must adhere to Family Hierarchy at all times.

You must not listen to or support other Corporate Leaders from outside of This Corporation at any time. 

You must keep your house clean at all times. 

You must avoid all other Corporate Buildings from "Worldly" Corporations at all times. 

You must avoid anything deemed "pagan" by Supervisors, unless approved by Supervisors, i.e. Wedding Rings. 

You must avoid all vaccinations. 

You must not vote or be involved politically for any reason. 

You must maintain appropriate gender-based hair lengths at all times. 

You must read the full list of rules and regulations, too long to be listed here. 

You must use words such as "Behoove", "Incumbent", whenever possible. 

You must only pray to your "Father in Heaven".

You must shake hands firmly at all times. 

FINANCIAL SUPPORT REGULATIONS

You are required to PAY US ten percent of your Job Paycheck each period. This is for Herbert Armstrong. 

You are required to SAVE an ADDITIONAL ten percent of your Job Paycheck each period. This is so you can attend the Annual Convention. 

You are required to PAY US, every third year, an additional ten percent of your Job Paycheck each period. This is to support those who are not doing their part, but are trying to. 

You are required to PAY US, seven times a year, an amount of your choice at various Job Events. 

You are required to PAY US, when asked, for specific SPECIAL PROJECTS as required by Herbert Armstrong. 

You are required to PAY US, when asked, for funds required for Local Activities, for your enrichment. 

You are required to PAY US, when asked, for any other reason in the support of the mission of Herbert Armstrong. 

PHYSICAL ACTIVITY REGULATIONS

You must abstain from physical sports that can cause bodily harm as determined by the Corporation. 

FOOD REGULATIONS

You must abstain from foods deemed "Unclean" by the Corporation. A list is available on request. 

CORPORATE EVENT SPECIAL RITUALS

You must, upon Baptism, attend "Passover", and partake of broken Matzo and Red Wine. This is mandatory. 

You must, for seven days a year, remove leaven from your house and eat only unleavened foods. This is mandatory. 

You must, once a year, completely abstain from food and water. This is mandatory. 

You must, once a year, attend the Annual Convention. This is mandatory. 

FORBIDDEN NON-CORPORATE EVENTS

"Worldly Events" and things that are forbidden include the following events (and all associated material objects):

Christmas

Easter

Halloween

St. Patrick's Day

Valentine's Day

All "Catholic" Observances

DISCLAIMER

Your association and attendance with the Corporation is completely voluntary and at your own discretion. You are free to leave at any time. The Corporation makes no guarantee as to fulfillment of Benefits. The Corporation reserves the right to make any changes at any time. The Corporation may terminate your association at any time. Prophecies, Speculations, Opinions, and Statements of any event, present or future, are subject to change with little or no advance warning. Prophetic statements are not to be taken as absolute. All corporate statements are the opinion of the authors and may or may not reflect actual fulfillment. Ordination not necessarily required for Direct Supervisors. Direct Supervisor training only meets general criteria as required by the Corporation. You further absolve the Corporation of any damages that may occur as a result of involvement with the Corporation. You proceed at your own risk. The Corporation is not an equal opportunity employer. Certain bookcases may be crooked, and curtains may be ragged.

submitted by sht

"The Cursed Crossword Puzzle"

It was a typical mid-summer night in the small Bungalow. As a child of ten years old, I was caught in religious tug-of-war between one parent who was in the Church, and one parent who was out of the Church. This was a paradox in my mind, leaving me only “half-protected”. After all, I was not allowed to attend the Church for the majority of the duration of split-religion. I was getting ready for bed, and in an age without internet, computers, cell phones, or anything of the sort, I settled down to do my favorite crossword puzzles. 

It was during this time that I was experiencing the beginnings of extreme anxiety and fear – especially toward the paranormal – because of my upbringing. I was taught, through the Worldwide Church of God ministry, that demons were always “out to get you” should you stumble and fall from the Church or from Christian protection (pretty much, one and the same, actually.) I would constantly be worried about anything paranormal happening because of this pre-conditioning from not only the Church, but from the fear that was exhibited by those who were entrusted to calm fears. The fears were actually emboldened and intensified by the same mindset from, mainly, one of my parents – from the earliest of years clear throughout the greater part of my childhood. From “scary” episodes of Barney Miller, to commercials, to movies – these fears entered everything from real life phobia to dreams at night. There was always this fear of somehow being bothered by demons. 

There was no Jesus in the picture, mind you. From the earliest age, I was not taught of the power of Jesus, or how He was victorious, or conquered sin and death, or was my friend. “Jesus loves the little children” was never sung nor hummed. It is not being overly exaggerating in any way to say that Jesus was absolutely absent from my Childhood in my perception. Mainly, because He was not welcomed. My home was a home of fear, arguments, and hatred – coated with a piety of religious conviction in keeping the Sabbath and Holy Days and the basic Worldwide Church of God culture. And on that mid-summer night, I, for the first time, began to realize the extent of how this was impacting my young life. 

It seemed like such a great way to wind down. I sat at the edge of my bed, table light on, and started doing my crossword puzzle. I filled in one square, then another, and a few more. After a little bit of this, I got up to go to the bathroom, came back, and settled down to continue the crossword puzzle. As I opened the crossword book back to the page, and looked at the same puzzle I had just come back to, I noticed something absolutely frightening. 

The words – the ink – everything I just filled in – was gone. 

Immediately I started to panic. My heart raced, my palms got sweaty. This was impossible. I just did this! How could this be? “Oh, no no...” I thought, immediately suspecting without any delay or hesitation the worst – that I was getting pranked by the demon in the house. 

It was my belief in my childhood that my house had a demon (or two) in it. I would often think I felt some sort of evil presence, or would be scared to death I would “see” something in the near-blackness of night – save the dim amber glow of the night-light. Often times, to “protect” myself from this external, invisible, and seemingly intangible threat, I would walk around the house fully enveloped with my favorite brown blanket – making myself appear as a hard-to-see ghost more often than not. I would also cover my ears or make noises only I could hear to keep from “hearing demons”. It was a constant internal battle within, sparked by the sermons from pastors, conversations from church members, overheard conversations from a parent - “knowing” that the only way to prevent a demonic attack was to be perfect. If you've failed in some way, you are inviting in a demon. At least, that's how I viewed it. 

I closed the Crossword puzzle in a state of complete panic. I then re-opened the puzzle, and – in a complete reversal – the words were back! All of them. Even the scribbles I made. I tried rubbing them to see if they'd disappear again. Nothing. They were as though they had never left. “Wait a minute. What's going on here? Am I going insane?” I would think. 

I repeated the cycle at least three times as my panic was rising higher and higher. My brain was literally buzzing. My heart was racing. I could hardly breathe. The only explanation in my mind was that I was being pranked by a supernatural being who had nothing better to do than pick on a ten-year-old child who somehow did something wrong enough that this demon was trying to bother me. 

It was then that I just started praying, in complete panic, crying, nearly hysterical, rocking back and forth in tears, that God would stop this demon from attacking me. 

“Please God, stop this demon, take this demon away, Please, take this demon away”, I would pray in between sobs. I was scared to wake my parents to talk about this because I was worried they would think I was crazy, or had lost it. 

“Please God, Please, please, PLEAASSSEE”, I would cry out in between sobs, knowing what I thought was happening was a worst-case scenario. 

“Please stop this demon, please.”

I opened the book up again, and the words had disappeared again. Again! Did my prayer not avail anything? Why wasn't I being heard? Did God leave me? Is it because one of my parents is not in the Church and one is in the Church? What did I do? The possibilities of how I angered God or was able to let in a demon were subconsciously and somewhat consciously running through my young mind. 

Soon, the panic was too much. I was in nearly hysterics. I could hardly breathe, I was sweating profusely, could not think, was scared out of my mind. There was no other explanation. I was being attacked by the resident demon of the house. And I had reached a point where I had to tell my parents – regardless of how stupid they might think I was acting. 

I entered the bedroom and turned on the light

“I'm having a problem” I cried out.

“What's the matter?”

“I think a demon is bothering me”, I said along those lines. “The words on my crossword puzzle keep appearing and disappearing and I don't know what's going on”, and I broke down in sobs. 

I had to repeat this a couple times, I had woken my parents out of a sound, sound sleep, but I was in far too great of a panic to even care. I was in a state of total emergency, and I needed prayer, help, something – I was in a very bad state for anyone of any age – nonetheless a ten year old child. 

“You are saying the words are appearing and dissapearing”? 

“YES!!!! WHAT IS GOING ON!!!” I cried out, in sobs and anguish, and handed her the Cursed Crossword Book. 

“Show me!”

I opened the book, and suddenly, there were the words, exactly as I filled it out. 

“Now watch this!, I yelled”. 

I closed the book and re-opened it, and the words were gone. I was somewhat, strangely, relieved that this was seen as well by someone else – it proved I was not crazy. 

“There has to be a logical explanation to this”, I was assured. I of course, would hear none of it, I was completely convinced of the reality of my situation. 

My parent – calmly and with reason – took the book. 

“Okay, let's look at the puzzle. What's the page?” 

I found the page. 

“Okay. Let's start counting the pages in the book.”

Slowly but steadily, she started counting the pages in the book. My puzzle, the next page, 79, 80, 81, 82, 83...

“What are you doing?!”

“Hold on”, I was told.

“84, 85, 86, 87, 88, 89, 90, 75, 76....”

My parent stopped, and looked at me. Then continued.

“I see what happened here! They double-printed a few pages of the puzzle. There are two copies of your puzzle in the same book.”

I didn't believe it. Not at first. This was too easy. I had to flip back and forth between the two puzzles to convince my mind that this was the actual reason, and that nothing “supernatural” actually occurred. 

“Whenever something like this happens, just remember, there is a perfectly logical explanation to things.” 

After about ten minutes I was able to accept the fact that I was not being bothered by a demon. I was able to accept the fact that this was a publishing error with the Crossword Puzzle – a theory I had not even considered, nor was I of the mind to even think of. The only thing that was in my mind at the time was the result of intensive, acute, pre-conditioning which was the result of brainwashing from the mindset of a cult, who had indoctrinated fear and anxiety into its earliest victims from the youngest of ages. 

I, foggily, yes – went back to my room. It took me half an hour (and several more times checking the book to make sure) to get to a point I could lay down and try to get back to sleep again. Maybe there was something to this “logical explanation” business, I thought. Of course, the fears did not go away – this was one incident explained. But it did give me some assurance and stable footing in a childhood of dark anxiety and fear brought on by the careless infractions of a supposed Christian Church. It is a moment that I have not ever forgotten. 

This is an excerpt of a book I have been working on for several years. If you would like to see more excerpts, and think that another "Survivor's Book" of a Child growing up in the Worldwide Church of God is worth working on, let me know in the comments below. 

Excerpt is copyright, all rights reserved. 

Submitted by SHT

A Personal Regret in Pastoring:

In the ministry and for a time in the Emergency Medical Tech experience, I have seen my share of death.  From the call that  a member had died and could I come over, or a child had been killed,   to showing up and making every effort to save a teen who didn't understand how a revolver worked and playing Russian roulette as a joke in front of the family was not a good idea., I am familiar with the chaos and grief such events can cause in the moment and long after the funeral.

 I have been with church friends as they drew their last breath and sat quietly as everyone in the family went ballistic with grief and shock. I've dug graves on private farms for private burials as long as it was done with a 24 hour time frame doing a private service on the front lawn out in the countryside. I've erased the muddy hand prints of a child who was finally found in a muddy rain filled swimming pool as the sight may just have proven too much for all concerned.  Lots of stories and lots of experience with death as we know comes to all in one way or another.

It's not being dead that most are concerned about but rather how we got dead that seems to take up our anxieties.

But in every case, and as the Pastor, death lead to a funeral service and while not unique, the Worldwide Church of God and I suspect splinter funeral services for the member left me of late realizing  a great regret I have in my part doing church funerals.

The Church funeral was all about the resurrections, "each man in his own order" as I recall.  It was a reminder we all die but that there is hope with all the associated scriptures to be read leading up to the Wonderful World Tomorrow.  Fair enough I suppose.  I have had to on occasion share a service with a local Baptist minister who basically went bonkers for Jesus and used his time to evangelize the audience and tell them their day is coming too just like Mr/Mrs/Ms ____________.  Some shared services were hilarious to watch my counterpart bounce around doing his thing and some were enraging or just plain stupid.

But there was one element in a Church of God service, and from the other pastor's as well,  that for many reasons I suppose, I failed to include in the service and for which I am deeply sorry and surprised at myself for not catching on to the problem ever back in the day.

I never actually offered a eulogy for the actual person. (a moment of praise and recognition of the life of the deceased).

 I never spoke of them, their lives, struggles, family and fun times.  I never told the audience my own positive recollections of the person or spoke fondly of them as I should have and could have. I never asked any family members to participate in the service with their own positive and even humorous stories about the deceased.  Never a son or daughter was given time to publicly appreciate their now having died father, mother, brother or sister.   The Church canned funeral service had no place for it and I simply never thought to include such a tribute , as I should have and as we all should have, to the deceased member.  And I deeply regret that.

I changed the wedding ceremony in pretty short order after ordination.  Why did I not change the funeral service?  I hated the "animals reproduce but animals don't marry" BS in the service so I cut that out. I stopped asking "who gives this woman" as it was a throwback to the times when the father passed ownership of the daughter to the next man.  Why did I not make the funeral service more of a celebration of the life of the person along with the hope of scripture?  I don't know. I am deeply sorry I did not and I guess hindsight and having now been simply in the audience at a funeral seeing how others are done has enlightened me.  Too late for all those whose funerals I did  and for that I have my regrets.

Perhaps subconsciously, "the day of one's death is better than the day of one's birth" (Ecc 7:1).was in there somewhere so no sense talking about their actual life.  Perhaps it was that they are fine now and we'll see them in the Kingdom but there are living humans staring at you so tell them "the truth" about the resurrections and the Kingdom of God.  Frankly, I don't know what it was but it was wrong and an inappropriate format for a funeral that should have both comforted and encouraged the surviving friends and families. At least it should have also included it and not just in passing.

I'd encourage any lurking pastor in any of the splinters to defy tradition and include a genuinely sincere eulogy for the actual life and positive contribution made in that life of the sincere member who paid your salary, sacrificed their time for the church, forsook a few things they needn't have and kept their the faith you delivered unto them no matter how difficult or even ridiculous, as with the Gospel of Dave Pack or The Gospel According to Gerald Flurry, it all was for them loyally waiting for your fairy tales to come true before they actually died as you will too.  Honor to honor at least, please.  Every person deserves to have their lives noticed and appreciated for what it was and who they got to be in it.  

As the Forrest Gump of the Worldwide Church of God...I have this regret and "that's all I'm going to say about that..."