The New Pentecost Weekend COG/Sabbath Keeper Festivals

Festival of Weeks – Pentecost Weekend 2026

Pentecost Sunday is observed by both mainstream Christianity and many of the scattered Churches of God, unless you are still one of the hard-core Monday Pentecost COG groups. In Christianity, it commemorates the dramatic outpouring of the Holy Spirit on the apostles in Jerusalem (Acts 2)—wind, fire, tongues, and power that launched the New Testament Church fifty days after the resurrection.

In the Churches of God, Pentecost remains one of the commanded Holy Days, counted fifty days from the wave-sheaf offering. It is meant to picture the very Spirit that unites God’s people.

Yet this year, the “one true church”  will have several groups meeting for a two-day weekend (Sabbath and Pentecost) and will look like this:

• Growing in Torah at Safe Haven Farms in central California.
• United Church of God in the wooded hills of Nashville, Indiana, for worship, hymn singing, and fellowship.
• Church of God Ministries International in Syracuse, Indiana.
• Intercontinental Church of God is holding two-day weekends across Ohio, Tennessee, Kentucky, and Georgia.
• Seventh Day Church of God in Knoxville, Tennessee.

Some of these groups are meeting in the same general regions—sometimes within an easy drive—yet not one extended an invitation to the others. No joint services. No shared hall. No communal breaking bread together in a meal. No humble attempt to let the Holy Spirit actually dwell among unified brethren. They will celebrate the feast of the Spirit while keeping that Spirit boxed up in their separate little camps.

And the real tragedy? This is only the beginning.

Come the Feast of Tabernacles—the week-long celebration they all claim pictures the coming Kingdom of God, a time of unity and peace—the same farce will repeat on a grander scale. Different COG groups will book separate feast sites, often in the same states or even the same general areas, then pat themselves on the back for their “purity” while refusing to fellowship with anyone outside their shrinking circle. Same story for the Feast of Trumpets, Atonement, Passover, and every other one of their self-commanded Holy Days. Year after year, they will scatter like proud, stubborn sheep, each little flock convinced it alone is “Philadelphian” while everyone else is Laodicean.

How delightfully special they all must feel. How Holy Spirit led.

This is the enduring, bitter legacy of Armstrongism: a system that preached unity within, but engineered endless division. Keep the members isolated, convince them their tiny group is the only safe place on earth, and they will gladly pay three separate tithes to support the illusion. Nothing says “We are the true church” quite like refusing to break bread with your own spiritual cousins while the world watches the spectacle.

Pentecost is supposed to be about power and one Body. Instead, these groups have turned every Holy Day into a monument to their own disunity—proving, with exquisite irony, that the Spirit they claim to follow has never truly had a home among them.

Truly, a masterpiece of self-righteous fragmentation. Well done, gentlemen. The Kingdom must be so impressed.

Step Out of the Wilderness of Striving

How Armstrongism Misses the Mark: 

Clinging to the Law Instead of Resting in Christ 

(Hebrews 3–4 and Galatians)

The book of Hebrews was written to first-century Jewish believers who were tempted to slip back into the old covenant system of law-keeping for security and acceptance with God. Chapters 3 and 4 deliver a powerful warning and invitation: Jesus is superior to Moses, and the true “rest” is found by faith in Him alone—not by ongoing ritual observance of the law. The apostle Paul makes the same case even more forcefully in Galatians, confronting any “different gospel” that adds law-keeping as a requirement for salvation or Christian living. Herbert W. Armstrong’s teachings (Armstrongism), which insisted that Christians must keep the seventh-day Sabbath, holy days, clean/unclean meats, and other elements of the Mosaic law to “qualify” for the Kingdom, directly contradict this biblical message. By clinging to the law, Armstrongism turns the gospel of grace into another form of the very bondage the New Testament warns against.

Jesus Is Greater Than Moses—the Son Over the House (Hebrews 3:1-6)

Fix your thoughts on Jesus, whom we acknowledge as our apostle and high priest,” the writer urges. Moses was faithful as a servant in God’s house. But “Christ is faithful as the Son over God’s house—and we are his house, if indeed we hold firmly to our confidence and the hope in which we glory (Hebrews 3:6, NIV).

Moses represented the old covenant and the law given at Sinai. Jesus is the divine Son who built the house. Armstrongism elevated the law (especially the Sabbath command) as an unchanging requirement for true Christians, treating it almost as co-equal with Christ. Hebrews flips this: the servant (law/Moses) has been surpassed by the Son. Clinging to the old system after the Son has come dishonors Jesus and risks the very unbelief the chapter condemns.

The Warning from Israel’s Wilderness Failure (Hebrews 3:7-19)

Quoting Psalm 95, Hebrews recalls how the Israelites saw God’s miracles for forty years yet hardened their hearts in unbelief. They never entered God’s “rest” (the Promised Land) “because of their unbelief” (3:19). The application is urgent: 

See to it, brothers and sisters, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God… We have come to share in Christ, if indeed we hold our original conviction firmly to the very end (3:12, 14).

Armstrongism often flipped this warning to mean that breaking the weekly Sabbath was the ultimate rebellion, like Israel’s disobedience. But the text is clear: the sin was unbelief—refusing to trust God’s promise and instead relying on their own efforts or rituals. Insisting on law-keeping as a qualification for rest is the same heart-hardening unbelief.

The Superior Sabbath-Rest Available Now by Faith (Hebrews 4:1-13)

The promise of rest remains open. Joshua’s generation entered the land but never experienced the ultimate rest, so “God again set a certain day, calling it ‘Today’” (4:7). Then comes the key verse: “There remains, then, a Sabbath-rest for the people of God; for anyone who enters God’s rest also rests from their own works, just as God did from his” (4:9-10).

This is not primarily a command to keep Saturday. It is the spiritual rest believers enter today by faith—ceasing from self-effort, law-keeping, and striving to earn God’s favor, just as God rested from creation. The weekly Sabbath was a shadow pointing to Christ (Colossians 2:16-17); the reality is the Son Himself.

Armstrong and his followers taught the exact opposite. They interpreted “a Sabbath-rest” (Greek sabbatismos) as proof that Christians must continue “a keeping of the Sabbath” literally each week as a type of the future Kingdom rest. Without it, they claimed, you could not qualify for salvation or enter God’s rest. This misses the entire point of Hebrews: the rest is entered now by believing the gospel, not by ritual observance. The chapter ends with an exhortation to “make every effort to enter that rest, so that no one will perish by following their example of disobedience” (4:11)—disobedience defined as unbelief, not calendar-keeping.

Galatians: No Other Gospel—We Are Not Under the Law (Galatians 1–5)

Paul’s letter to the Galatians is even sharper. False teachers were pressuring Gentile believers to add circumcision and law-keeping to their faith. Paul calls this “a different gospel” and pronounces a curse on anyone preaching it (Galatians 1:6-9). He writes:

• We know that a person is not justified by the works of the law, but by faith in Jesus Christ… because by the works of the law no one will be justified (2:16).
• I do not nullify the grace of God, for if righteousness were through the law, then Christ died for no purpose (2:21).
• The law was added “because of transgressions” and served as a guardian “until Christ came” (3:19, 24). “Now that faith has come, we are no longer under a guardian” (3:25).
• You who are trying to be justified by the law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace (5:4).
• If you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law (5:18).

Armstrongism attempted to escape this by claiming Paul was only condemning ceremonial laws while the “spiritual law” (Ten Commandments, Sabbath, holy days) remained binding. But Paul makes no such distinction. He says the entire old-covenant law system—including the commands given at Sinai—acted as a temporary tutor that pointed to Christ. Once faith in Christ has come, believers are no longer under it as a covenant. Justification, sanctification, and the Christian life are all by faith, empowered by the Spirit—not by mixing in law-keeping as a requirement.

Galatians 4’s allegory of Hagar and Sarah drives it home: the law is the slave woman producing bondage; the promise is the free woman producing heirs. Armstrongism’s insistence on law-keeping as essential for Christians puts people back under Hagar—slavery—when Christ offers sonship and freedom.

The Heart of the Issue: Law vs. Grace, Shadow vs. Reality

Armstrongism’s core error was treating the old covenant law as still binding in its details while claiming to believe in grace. Hebrews 3–4 shows the law (through Moses) could never give true rest—only Jesus the Son can. Galatians proves that adding any part of the law as a requirement for justification or ongoing acceptance with God is “another gospel” that nullifies grace and makes Christ’s death meaningless.

The weekly Sabbath and other commands were good shadows, but the substance is Christ (Colossians 2:17). True rest is not earned by perfect calendar observance; it is received today by simple, ongoing faith in Jesus’ finished work.

The Invitation Still Stands Today

Hebrews 3–4 and Galatians do not merely critique a first-century problem or a 20th-century movement—they issue a timeless, Spirit-empowered call to every generation tempted to trade the simplicity of the gospel for the security of rules. The law was never meant to be the final word; it was a faithful servant that exposed our inability, drove us to our knees, and pointed ahead to the One who could do what the law could never accomplish (Romans 8:3-4). Armstrongism, with its heartfelt zeal for obedience and its deep respect for Scripture, tragically stopped short of the finish line. By insisting that Christians must still “keep” large portions of the old covenant to remain in God’s favor or “qualify” for the Kingdom, it recreated the very yoke Paul condemned and the very unbelief that kept Israel out of the Promised Land.

Yet the author of Hebrews refuses to leave us in despair. He repeatedly shouts the word “Today!”—the day of opportunity, the day of grace, the day when the promise of rest is still wide open. This rest is not a future reward earned by flawless Sabbath observance or dietary law-keeping. It is a present reality entered the moment a weary soul stops striving and simply believes that Jesus, the faithful Son over God’s house, has already done everything required. It is the soul-level sabbath where we cease from our own works the way God ceased from His at creation—fully satisfied, fully accepted, fully at peace.

For anyone who has carried the heavy tablets of Armstrongism—or any form of legalism—the message is liberating and urgent: You do not have to qualify. You only have to believe. The chains of “Sabbath & Works” shatter not by greater effort but by looking to the radiant Christ who stands with open arms. Galatians 5:1 rings like a victory shout: 

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

True obedience does not disappear in this rest—it is transformed. No longer motivated by fear of disqualification, it flows from love for the Savior who fulfilled the law on our behalf. The Spirit who lives in every believer now writes God’s character on our hearts (Jeremiah 31:33; Ezekiel 36:26-27), producing fruit that the law could only demand but never create.

If you are reading this and sensing the Holy Spirit stirring your heart, hear the final invitation of Hebrews: 

Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need (Hebrews 4:16). 

Step out of the wilderness of striving. Leave the shadows behind. Fix your eyes on Jesus—the better Moses, the better High Priest, the better Rest—and enter the superior, permanent Sabbath-rest that Armstrongism, by clinging so tightly to the law, sadly missed.

The old covenant has served its purpose. The new has come. Rest is here—today—in Christ alone. May you receive it, walk in it, and proclaim the glorious freedom of the gospel to everyone still bound by the very system the New Covenant came to release us from.

Silent Pilgrim

Worlds Most Accurate Prophet Claims He Has Been Proven Right Once Again

The Church of God’s Greatest Prophet Since Enoch (and by “greatest,” we mean the most deluded keyboard warrior the movement has ever spawned).

Ladies and gentlemen, behold Bob Thiel, more affectionately known as Crackpot Bob — the singular, heaven-sent, 100%-accurate prophet who was apparently pre-programmed into the universe at creation just so he could grace us with his endless stream of “maybe,” “possibly,” and “could be” hot takes. Forget Moses, Enoch, Elijah, or even Armstrong himself. This guy’s so supernaturally gifted he can spot a trade deal that’s been crawling through negotiations for a quarter-century and declare it a personal revelation from on high. Truly, the apex of divine insight.

Because, of course, the internet was custom-engineered by the Trinity exclusively for Bob. Printing press for Herb? Check. Television for the Worldwide Church? Obviously. But computers, Google, Harbringer's Daily, and NewsMax? Those were lovingly crafted so our resident Crackpot Prophet could cherry-pick headlines, slap a thin COG eschatological glaze on them, and crown himself God’s Most Miraculous Voice in these perilous end times. What a breathtaking cosmic coincidence!

And today — on God’s Holy Sabbath, no less — while normal people might dare to rest, pray, or (gasp) spend time with their families, Crackpot Saint Bob was once again hunched over his glowing altar of a computer like a man possessed, frantically banging out another sacred “proof” of his prophetic majesty. Family? Relaxation? Mere distractions. Real prophets don’t take days off when there’s fresh prophecy-adjacent news to misappropriate!

In his latest act of self-congratulatory brilliance, Bob triumphantly revealed that the European Union is… pursuing international trade deals. Stop everything. Alert the angels. Sound the shofars. The EU — a massive economic bloc whose entire purpose involves trade — is trading. And somehow this is brand-new, earth-shattering fulfillment rather than the most predictable thing on the planet since sunrise.

He breathlessly quotes:

After more than 25 years of negotiations, the trade deal between the European Union and Mercosur countries — Argentina, Brazil, Paraguay and Uruguay — took provisional effect on Friday.

European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen pushed ahead with provisional application despite a legal challenge before the Court of Justice of the European Union, effectively sidestepping a parliamentary vote on the deal’s full ratification.

“Provisional application will show the agreement’s tangible benefits,” von der Leyen wrote on X.

“And how legitimate sensitives have been addressed.” …

The The agreement eliminates tariffs on a majority of trade between the two sides, therefore creating a free-trade zone of more than 700 million people between the EU and Mercosur countries.

On Thursday, the EU Chief described the deal as “good news for EU businesses of all sizes, good news for our consumers and good news for our farmers, who will gain valuable new export opportunities, with full protection for sensitive sectors.” The EU-Mercosur free-trade deal took provisional effect on Friday despite a legal challenge before the Court of Justice of the European Union. 

 

He then triumphantly points to the provisional EU-Mercosur trade deal (Argentina, Brazil, Paraguay, Uruguay) that took effect after more than 25 years of negotiations. A deal that had been in the works long before Donald Trump’s 2024 election. But according to Bob’s special prophetic insight, this happened because Trump talked about tariffs. Next, he’ll predict that water is wet and demand you acknowledge his 100% accuracy. Properly understood biblical prophecies are coming to pass, he intones — which in Thiel-speak means “I read something on the internet and now I own it.”

This trade deal was predicted here. 

 

On November 6, 2024, I posted the following predictions on this COGwriter Church of God News page:

Donald Trump’s pointing to tariffs as the answer for US trade imbalances and manufacturing decline will incense the Europeans. Some type of trade war is coming. Europe will get more serious about trade deals with others internationally, such as being more motivated to approve the trade deal with the Mercosur block of South America. (Thiel B. Media declares Donald Trump won the election–now what? y Donald trump y eventos para observar. COGwriter, November 6, 2024)

Properly understood biblical prophecies are coming to pass.

What I predicted was the the re-election of Donald Trump would motivate the Europeans to agree to the trade deal with Mercosur. That has happened.

I also predicted that the Europeans would seek other trade deals–that also has happened and is happening.

Like every other self-appointed “prophet” in the modern Churches of God (of which there are zero real ones, because the New Covenant rather decisively ended that office), Crackpot Bob is simply a news aggregator in a suit who desperately wants to be something he is not. The Churches of God have never had a genuine prophet in their 90+ year existence — only a parade of self-proclaimed ones peddling half-truths, exaggerated “fulfillments,” and just enough fear to keep the more gullible members convinced they’re part of a special remnant.

But hey, at least Bob’s consistent. In a world full of actual events, he’ll always be there to declare “I told you so” about things that were already happening. Truly, the most accurate prophet money can buy.

The end times must be near — after all, how much more of this comedy can the universe possibly tolerate?

Armstrongism: still amazing after all these years.

Fred Coulter: Meet the Man, the Myth, the Bump-Reader Extraordinaire

 

Oh, gather 'round for the epic tale of Fred R. Coulter and his scrappy little Christian Biblical Church of God (CBCG)—the Armstrongist splinter that's basically "Herbert W. Armstrong’s Greatest Hits: Director’s Cut Edition, Now With Phrenology, Calendar Upgrades, and Fred Fixing the Bible That the King James Translators Were Too Stupid to Understand.!"

Meet the Man, the Myth, the Bump-Reader Extraordinaire

Fred R. Coulter, proud Ambassador College grad (theology BA, 1964), got ordained in 1965 and dutifully pastored WCG flocks across the U.S. Then, in a stunning 1979 pre-Tkach power move, he dramatically resigned with a “Call to Repentance” sermon, sounding the alarm on all those “sinful practices.” What a prophet! (Or just the guy who jumped ship early.) 

By 1983, armed with a magnificent core group of seven whole believers plus himself, he founded CBCG in Hollister, California. Decades later, he’s still the president, chief sermonizer, book-peddler (Restoring the Original Bible, etc.), and all-around restorer of “original Christianity.” They reach “thousands” online and through tiny scattered fellowships. Truly inspiring... if “thousands” in a sea of aging, fragmenting Armstrongist groups counts as a booming success. 

Armstrongism 2.0: Now With Extra Pseudoscience and Bible Redos!

Classic package: Sabbath, Holy Days (Fred’s special “corrected” Hebrew calendar edition, because God’s original timing needed a tune-up), binitarian God-family theology, gentle tithing nudges, and that cozy “we’re the tiny elite flock while everyone else is apostate” glow. They wisely ditched the brutal top-down hierarchy (lessons learned from WCG’s spectacular crash) for local elders and “voluntary” vibes. So humble. So not-a-cult. 

But wait—there’s more! Fred’s signature flair includes a documented soft spot for phrenology—that gloriously outdated 19th-century party trick of feeling skull bumps to diagnose character defects and spiritual oopsies. Because what better way to restore first-century Christianity than by channeling Victorian quack doctors? Nothing says “apostolic purity” like giving congregants a cranial exam instead of, you know, just praying or opening the actual Bible. 

And then there’s the pièce de résistance: Fred had to redo the entire Bible because those poor, bumbling King James translators were apparently too dim to get it right. Those 1611 scholars with their “thee”s and “thou”s just couldn’t handle the job, so Brother Coulter stepped in like the theological superhero we didn’t know we needed. Behold—The Holy Bible In Its Original Order: A Faithful Version! He reordered all the books to his preferred “original” sequence, translated everything fresh from the Hebrew and Greek (with a little help), and clarified all those “problematic passages” the KJV idiots messed up. 

It retains the KJV’s grandeur... while quietly fixing its many errors, of course. Because nothing screams humility like one guy declaring, “Move over, centuries of scholarship—Fred’s got this.” Perfect for the group that already knows better than mainstream Christianity on pretty much everything. 

The Dangers of Signing Up for This Rapidly Shrinking Splinter Cult

If your spiritual needs include legalism, prophecy doom-scrolling, potential family rifts, and the warm fuzzy of being told you’re special while tithing into a tiny operation, CBCG could be your next adventure. Just don’t count on a thriving social scene—these Armstrong offshoots are mostly quietly graying out as members age and the internet keeps splintering the remnants. 

Standard warnings apply: isolation tendencies, “us vs. the deceived world” superiority, a works-heavy “different gospel” that critics (and many ex-members) say distorts grace, plus the usual spiritual abuse red flags. Layer on the phrenology sessions and the “I had to rewrite the Bible because everyone before me was incompetent” energy, and you’ve got a doctrine combo that’s equal parts earnest and delightfully eccentric. 

Ex-member sites highlight the control dynamics, the pressure to conform, and that perpetual feeling of never quite measuring up to Fred’s restored truth. With the group steadily shrinking like the rest of the COG diaspora, you might end up in a very intimate (read: microscopic) echo chamber as the founder advances in years. 

Pro tip: Before committing to the skull-measuring appointments and the “Fred’s Bible Only” reading plan, try some independent study. Ask yourself if true “original Christianity” really needs phrenology charts and one man’s upgraded KJV correction. The apostles somehow survived without either. Welcome to the wonderful world of COG splinters—where the doctrines are restored, the calendars are perfected, the heads are palpated, and the Bible finally gets the Fred Coulter treatment it so desperately needed. What could possibly go wrong?

Silent Pilgrim

Place newspaper ads! Alert new stations! Pin this up in your local coffee shop of grocery store!

Brethren — the latest divinely self-appointed superstar has crawled back from his epic mission to the Seven Hills of Rome, where he single-handedly dazzled the Italians with the one true gospel that actually matters: the holy, infallible words of Herbert W. Armstrong. Forget Jesus, forget the apostles — nothing on this entire planet holds a candle to HWA’s sacred ramblings. When they print the next Bible, his literature will be enshrined in gilded glory while Jesus stands there slack-jawed, muttering, “Wow… why didn't I think of that?”

After shamelessly looting almost every piece of literature the long-dead Worldwide Church of God ever produced from other people’s websites, this humble servant has now crowned himself the single most important Church of God restoration in existence. Bob Thiel’s crackpot delusions? Yesterday’s news. Dave Pack’s endless prophetic trainwrecks? Embarrassing. Move over, losers — Samuel is the New Light, the Final Apostle, the glorious savior of the true restoration. Bow down.

And how perfectly timed for America’s 250th birthday! Hundreds of thousands of people are already organizing a major day of prayer and rededication on the National Mall. But according to our hero’s latest prophetic bulletin, this whole national event is actually his baby — masterminded solely by him under the proudly stolen name of the Worldwide Church of God. Because of course it is.

I can picture it now. Off in a lonely corner of the National Mall, Samuel and 1 other person will be singing Dwight Armstrong hymns. What joy!

What we are planing on doing is to sing in an informal Hymn Service…

And bow our heads in prayer for this nation and our people, in rededication to the Eternal God in Heaven!

Whether it is one — or all! We shall gather and represent. 

Whether you can join or not — stand up and share this post, in unity and in full support! Make it your profile pic, and let the world know where you stand!

Place newspaper ads.

Alert news stations.

Place a printout of this poster in your local library.

Pin it up at your local coffee shop or hometown grocery store.

Share it to local pages and groups. 

The Worldwide Church of God stands in support of rededication of this nation and people, to the True God! And we pray for our leaders and government.

Stand together brethren! Whether in Washington DC, or at home.

Let me know if you are going to be in Washington DC.

The Dangers of Jon Brisby and the Church of God, The Eternal: Because Nothing Says “God’s True Remnant” Like Fleecing the Flock

It is another sunny day in COG Lalaland with another “Philadelphia-era remnant” led by Jon W. Brisby and his Church of God, the Eternal (COGE). This little Armstrongist splinter promises to guard the sacred flame of Herbert W. Armstrong’s teachings while conveniently extracting maximum cash and obedience from its members. How noble. How typical.

Brisby's COGE is Armstrongism on steroids. Regular Armstrongism is for amateurs like Bob Thiel. 

COGE doesn’t just follow the old Worldwide Church of God doctrines—it clutches them like a security blanket soaked in British-Israelism and apocalyptic dread. Brisby positions himself as the grand protector of “restored truths,” meaning if you question anything, you’re not just disagreeing with a guy in Oregon—you’re rebelling against God Himself. How convenient for the guy at the top. How utterly typical of Armstrongism.

Members are told that when Brisby (or his ministers) picks a Feast site or meeting location, God Himself rubber-stamps it from heaven. Miss it? Well, bless your rebellious little heart, you’re probably outside God’s will. Nothing says spiritual freedom like mandatory attendance at designated locations.

Like any old covenant Church of God, tithing is commanded. Tithe to Jon with a joyful smile or receive a divine smite. Your Choice, Peasant

Here’s the real masterpiece: the classic triple-tithe system. That’s 10% first tithe straight to headquarters, another 10% second tithe for travel to the approved holy-day sites, and roughly 3.33% third tithe for the “widows and orphans” (which somehow always seems to need more funding).

Add it up, and you’re looking at 21.4% of gross income—before taxes, rent, or that pesky grocery bill, every payday, every year. Brisby’s sermons reportedly hammer home that skimping on this holy obligation brings curses, while faithful tithing grants invisible divine protection. How generous. Especially when he tells struggling members in places like Kenya to keep the money flowing upward instead of, you know, feeding their kids or helping local causes.

Pro tip from ex-members: some spouses have allegedly been coached on how to hide tithing records from “unconverted” partners. Nothing builds a strong marriage like secret financial loyalty to a church in Eugene, Oregon.

While members struggle to survive, Jon lives an elitist lifestyle. Do as I say, not as I… drive. Flashy cars for Jon, used cars for lowly members.

While the average member is scraping by, skipping vacations, and wondering how to afford gas to the next mandatory Feast site, Brisby and leadership apparently aren’t exactly living the “humble servant” aesthetic. Former insiders have pointed out flashy cars, comfortable homes, and an overall lifestyle that seems strangely insulated from the financial sacrifices demanded of the flock.

But don’t worry—he left his cushy corporate job to serve full-time! How sacrificial. Of course, someone has to “collect God’s tithes” and “manage the organized Work,” right? Wouldn’t want all that money just sitting uselessly in members’ bank accounts or going to people like Gerald Flurry or Bob Thiel.

Bonus Red Flags, Because Why Stop at Money?

• Sermons that put the marital blame squarely on wives while reminding women they don’t really own anything anyway. 

• Quick shutdown of any pesky questions or doubts—can’t have the sheep thinking for themselves.

• The classic Armstrongist guilt special: your financial struggles? Clearly, you’re not pleasing God enough. Try tithing harder, champ.

COGE may be small, but it’s expertly engineered to make leaving feel like spiritual suicide. Your friends, family (inside the group), and eternal destiny are all neatly tied to continued loyalty and checks written to the right address.

If you’re sniffing around Jon Brisby’s outfit, maybe pump the brakes before you sign your paycheck over to “God’s Work.” What’s sold as the one true church preserving pure Armstrongism often turns out to be a high-demand, high-extraction machine that enriches the leadership while the members tighten their belts and hope the curses don’t hit too hard.

Do your homework, talk to ex-members, and remember: any group that needs 21+% of your income plus total obedience to stay “protected” might just be more interested in your wallet than your soul. Shocking, I know. But this is Armstrongism, after all.

Oh, what a gloriously enchanted childhood we had growing up in Armstrongism!

Picture it: an infinitely loving God who spent every waking moment absolutely frothing at the mouth, just dying to annihilate one-third of humanity in the most creative ways possible. Then, for the next third, He’d roll out the red carpet of disease, famine, and slow-motion agony — because apparently eating bacon, sneaking into a Friday night football game, or sneaking a peek at your dad's Playboy magazine while under the gym bleachers, is the ultimate cosmic war crime. How thoughtful of Him.

And Jesus? Don’t even get me started on that walking embodiment of unconditional love. The guy was supposedly head-over-heels for us, yet He spent His days seething with white-hot rage, just itching to spank every last filthy human into eternal oblivion. Bedtime stories for the whole family!

Our divinely-appointed leaders were the absolute cherry on top. They graciously instructed parents to deliver at least twenty full-force swats to their children — toddlers included, naturally — because nothing says “God’s true church” like welts on a three-year-old’s backside (shout-out to Carn Catherwood for that inspired parenting hack). Playtime on Fridays or Saturdays? Absolutely verboten. Unless, of course, it was the soul-crushing Ten Commandments game, Bible Caravan, or the Noah’s Ark game — the more joyless and Old Covenant, the holier it became. Pure, unadulterated fun.

Teenagers really hit the jackpot. The path to adulthood was a delightful obstacle course: slim-to-none chance of finishing high school, zero possibility of college, and if you somehow pulled off that unholy miracle, marriage and children would spiritually doom you forever. Succeed at everything? Boom — instant Laodicean, Lake of Fire reserved, thanks to that cursed bacon again. What a merciful system!

But the real family bonding came from the sermons yelled at us at church services. Nothing quite like hearing how we’d all be rounded up and shipped to German concentration camps, where the torture would make the Holocaust look like a spa day. Rod Meredith, spittle flying like holy confetti, would paint vivid pictures of us dangling from meat hooks, shoved alive into ovens, or crammed naked into gas chambers so tightly that when you finally died you’d just stay upright, shitting on everyone around you as your last earthly act. Peak childhood entertainment. Five stars.

We also had the cheerful cattle-car future to look forward to — or those big livestock trucks on the freeway, same difference — followed by friendly camp doctors enthusiastically yanking out all your teeth without anesthesia. Just to make sure the experience was extra special.

And who could forget curling up with the 1975 in Prophecy booklet, soaking in those beautiful illustrations of locust-helicopters and goose-stepping Germans? Or the true masterpiece: Basil Wolverton’s Bible Story books, where drowning sinners claw desperately at Noah’s Ark, screaming for mercy, while wide-eyed children were told, “This will be you if you’re bad.” Bedtime reading at its finest.

Oh, and if your minister, elder, deacon, or that charming Kevin Dean decided to sexually molest you? Well, suck it up, buttercup! Grin and bear it like a good little Armstrong kid. Can’t possibly embarrass God’s hand-picked, infallible servant. Submit, stay silent, and thank Herbert W. Armstrong for the privilege of being under church government.

Yes, sirree, Herb! Life was just spectacularly magnificent as a child in Armstrongism. So. Much. To. Look. Forward. To. Indoctrinate them young, terrify them senseless for decades, then sit back and watch them wax nostalgic about the “good old days” once every single prophecy crashed and burned spectacularly. 

Truly, we were the luckiest kids on Earth. 

What a blessing. 

What. A. Blessing.