A Final Realization About Forgiveness
If it is one concept that religious people are familiar with, either by choice or by force, it is FORGIVENESS.
Here is what I wrote about the topic the
last time I faced this demon believing I had reached the final stage in
dealing with my own perspectives, consequences and losses in pastoring
in the World Wide Church of God.
"There is one solution that seems to be the last one we really
want to employ. Somehow, we inherently know that if we apply it and mean
it, it will free us from all the drama/trauma. Mostly we don't know how
to do it and find that what we intend to be a permanent solution to the
painful life experiences we have, is merely temporary. The ultimate
solution to our perverse chemistry of reliving, over and over the
negative emotions that hurt mainly ourselves is FORGIVENESS.
Forgiveness is either the easiest thing on earth to do and we
just don't get it, or it is the most difficult. I sometimes feel that if
I forgive whoever or whatever it is that still plagues my mind at
times, they or it will be getting away with something. If I forgive
them, they will for sure!
If I FORGIVE, they will win. So not forgiving ensures they
don't. My ego, my "little self" will want to get even, or be right, or
get an apology or just keep on fighting on and on what is or was. On the
other hand, allowing things to be as they are is really what we call
GRACE. The rest is all just memories and chemistry in MY head. It is not
real.
I remember when a past Pope forgave, very publically, the man
who put a near fatal bullet in him. I remember thinking that since the
Pope is a professional forgiver, or has to be, it was not the
magnificient example it was meant to be. The Pope has to forgive you!
Now if the father of Nick Berg, the first American beheaded in Iraq,
forgives that evil act done by those evil men, that is real! I
undestand that Mr. Berg is just such a remarkable person, or wants to be
inspite of the pain of those events.
If you offend your pastor , or friends in the church in some
way, just tell them "well forgive me." They have to! He's a minister
and it's a Church!
I want to forgive for my sake. Of course, there are a few
things in life I want to be forgiven for as well as there is a chemistry
of guilt or shame set off when I think of those things and don't stop
and accept myself as just human like everyone else. Many ministers feel
they have to give the impression they are past all that and do no wrong,
or admit to little wrongs to appear human, but everyone has "the other
side." Every minister I know wears at least one mask...
Forgiving comes in stages. I suppose it can be instant and
final but mostly it comes in increments in practical fact. We forgive so
that what eats us doesn't destroy us. We forgive because somehow we
know that we all can be just as foolish or hurtful as we feel others
have been towards us. We forgive because what else is there is to do and
have a real life. We forgive to see how life can bless us for doing so
and that things do work out exactly as they should for us.
Forgiving has to be specific and not generic. You can't forgive
an organization or an all encompassing Church denomination. Abused
Catholics can't forgive the Catholic Church or even the Pope. They must
forgive the specific abuse, priest or member. I can't forgive the
Worldwide Church of God. I have to forgive the players who created it,
took advantage of my good intentions and spiritual seeking and changed
it from something I could relate to, when I took the Bible as literally
true, and returned me to a theology I found wanting as I grew up with
it. I have to forigve them for the idea that reinventing the wheel, for
me, was new and exciting. It was not and I lost my heart for it all.
Our forgiving others cannot depend on whether others forgive us
first. If that is true, then we are at the mercy of others and probably
dead in the water on this topic until others give us permission to
forgive and move ahead in life. We can only do our part and we can only
do it when we are able and understand deeply the benefit of forgiving to
all concerned. That can take time, or not, depending on how willing we
are to let it go and get out of the past into a more real and loving
present."
That's where I left this topic a few years back. I thought it was about the best answer I could come up to move on.
I think I left out the last stage or perhaps this is the only stage
for an open and enlightened mind that really wants to move on and
finally answer "how does forgiving or not forgiving serve me?"
Think very carefully on this next sentence...
"Forgiveness, in my experience, happens when the NEED to forgive or
be forgiven IS LET GO OF. When we realize that everyone
..EVERYONE...does the best they possibly can under the circumstances of
conditioning, there is no need to forgive or be forgiven. Forgiveness
is THE LETTING GO OF THE NEED TO FORGIVE." author unknown.
I can't improve on that. Forgiveness is the letting go of the NEED
to forgive. That's it. If I no longer need to forgive and fighting all
the "but they got away with it," or "somehow I don't feel good about
forgiving," falls meaningless. I have been told that forgiveness is not
for "them" but for me. I can go with that, but somehow it never feels
like it's over. Giving up the need to forgive is very liberating.
Getting over the idea that someone has to say, "you're right, I was
wrong" before I am satisfied, is as well. Besides, we always suspect
people say they are sorry only because they just want us off their backs
and don't really mean it or care what you think ultimately. It simply
never seem finished.
I have never heard an Armstrong or a Tkach say, "I'm sorry" about
anything. I cannot live my life waiting for their lights to go on. I
made my choices as well and I have more of a time forgiving myself for
being so gullible or stupid or naive than saying I forgive "them." It
is more peaceful to come to the conclusion that I don't even have to
struggle with forgiving myself. I have no need to forgive myself. I was
doing the best I could at the time and wild horses could not have taken
me out of the church at that time. Today, that is all over with.
So perhaps the final stage is losing the very need to forgive.
Stage one is "I'm mad as hell and I'm going to foam out my rage." Stage
Two is "I forgive." (Most never get this far from what I can see).
and Stage Three may just be, "I don't have a need any longer to
forgive." It was what it was and is what it is and resisiting it all is
insanity and hurting my body, mind and spirit.
I will not give anyone the power run the contents of my mind or
emotions again by their actions whether noble or profoundly stupid. I
will no longer struggle over finding that forgiving feeling that seems
to ellude.
I simple give up the need to forgive .
