A Final Realization About Forgiveness
If it is one concept that religious people are familiar with, either by choice or by force, it is FORGIVENESS.
Here is what I wrote about the topic the
last time I faced this demon believing I had reached the final stage in
dealing with my own perspectives, consequences and losses in pastoring
in the World Wide Church of God.
"There is one solution that seems to be the last one we really
want to employ. Somehow, we inherently know that if we apply it and mean
it, it will free us from all the drama/trauma. Mostly we don't know how
to do it and find that what we intend to be a permanent solution to the
painful life experiences we have, is merely temporary. The ultimate
solution to our perverse chemistry of reliving, over and over the
negative emotions that hurt mainly ourselves is FORGIVENESS.
Forgiveness is either the easiest thing on earth to do and we
just don't get it, or it is the most difficult. I sometimes feel that if
I forgive whoever or whatever it is that still plagues my mind at
times, they or it will be getting away with something. If I forgive
them, they will for sure!
If I FORGIVE, they will win. So not forgiving ensures they
don't. My ego, my "little self" will want to get even, or be right, or
get an apology or just keep on fighting on and on what is or was. On the
other hand, allowing things to be as they are is really what we call
GRACE. The rest is all just memories and chemistry in MY head. It is not
real.
I remember when a past Pope forgave, very publically, the man
who put a near fatal bullet in him. I remember thinking that since the
Pope is a professional forgiver, or has to be, it was not the
magnificient example it was meant to be. The Pope has to forgive you!
Now if the father of Nick Berg, the first American beheaded in Iraq,
forgives that evil act done by those evil men, that is real! I
undestand that Mr. Berg is just such a remarkable person, or wants to be
inspite of the pain of those events.
If you offend your pastor , or friends in the church in some
way, just tell them "well forgive me." They have to! He's a minister
and it's a Church!
I want to forgive for my sake. Of course, there are a few
things in life I want to be forgiven for as well as there is a chemistry
of guilt or shame set off when I think of those things and don't stop
and accept myself as just human like everyone else. Many ministers feel
they have to give the impression they are past all that and do no wrong,
or admit to little wrongs to appear human, but everyone has "the other
side." Every minister I know wears at least one mask...
Forgiving comes in stages. I suppose it can be instant and
final but mostly it comes in increments in practical fact. We forgive so
that what eats us doesn't destroy us. We forgive because somehow we
know that we all can be just as foolish or hurtful as we feel others
have been towards us. We forgive because what else is there is to do and
have a real life. We forgive to see how life can bless us for doing so
and that things do work out exactly as they should for us.
Forgiving has to be specific and not generic. You can't forgive
an organization or an all encompassing Church denomination. Abused
Catholics can't forgive the Catholic Church or even the Pope. They must
forgive the specific abuse, priest or member. I can't forgive the
Worldwide Church of God. I have to forgive the players who created it,
took advantage of my good intentions and spiritual seeking and changed
it from something I could relate to, when I took the Bible as literally
true, and returned me to a theology I found wanting as I grew up with
it. I have to forigve them for the idea that reinventing the wheel, for
me, was new and exciting. It was not and I lost my heart for it all.
Our forgiving others cannot depend on whether others forgive us
first. If that is true, then we are at the mercy of others and probably
dead in the water on this topic until others give us permission to
forgive and move ahead in life. We can only do our part and we can only
do it when we are able and understand deeply the benefit of forgiving to
all concerned. That can take time, or not, depending on how willing we
are to let it go and get out of the past into a more real and loving
present."
That's where I left this topic a few years back. I thought it was about the best answer I could come up to move on.
I think I left out the last stage or perhaps this is the only stage
for an open and enlightened mind that really wants to move on and
finally answer "how does forgiving or not forgiving serve me?"
Think very carefully on this next sentence...
"Forgiveness, in my experience, happens when the NEED to forgive or
be forgiven IS LET GO OF. When we realize that everyone
..EVERYONE...does the best they possibly can under the circumstances of
conditioning, there is no need to forgive or be forgiven. Forgiveness
is THE LETTING GO OF THE NEED TO FORGIVE." author unknown.
I can't improve on that. Forgiveness is the letting go of the NEED
to forgive. That's it. If I no longer need to forgive and fighting all
the "but they got away with it," or "somehow I don't feel good about
forgiving," falls meaningless. I have been told that forgiveness is not
for "them" but for me. I can go with that, but somehow it never feels
like it's over. Giving up the need to forgive is very liberating.
Getting over the idea that someone has to say, "you're right, I was
wrong" before I am satisfied, is as well. Besides, we always suspect
people say they are sorry only because they just want us off their backs
and don't really mean it or care what you think ultimately. It simply
never seem finished.
I have never heard an Armstrong or a Tkach say, "I'm sorry" about
anything. I cannot live my life waiting for their lights to go on. I
made my choices as well and I have more of a time forgiving myself for
being so gullible or stupid or naive than saying I forgive "them." It
is more peaceful to come to the conclusion that I don't even have to
struggle with forgiving myself. I have no need to forgive myself. I was
doing the best I could at the time and wild horses could not have taken
me out of the church at that time. Today, that is all over with.
So perhaps the final stage is losing the very need to forgive.
Stage one is "I'm mad as hell and I'm going to foam out my rage." Stage
Two is "I forgive." (Most never get this far from what I can see).
and Stage Three may just be, "I don't have a need any longer to
forgive." It was what it was and is what it is and resisiting it all is
insanity and hurting my body, mind and spirit.
I will not give anyone the power run the contents of my mind or
emotions again by their actions whether noble or profoundly stupid. I
will no longer struggle over finding that forgiving feeling that seems
to ellude.
I simple give up the need to forgive .
7 comments:
Dennis,
Good post. A few days ago I was thinking about grace, forgiveness and serenity when I realized that most of my anger and depression over my wcg experience went away when I finally forgave myself. In a sense, it was not really forgiving myself, it was just deciding that I was not going to beat myself up about the past any longer. It was, as you said, letting go of the need to forgive anyone, including myself.
I sometimes try to write songs (hey, I live in Austin, Texas where everyone writes songs), so I've had this line bouncing around in my head for the past week or so:
"I finally forgave myself, and now I'm living in a state of grace."
Works for me.
Glenn
Hi Glenn, Great, I don't know why this dawned on me of late, but there was a shift in this "forgive" thing and I feel more free of it.
You're so right, Dennis. When we look at the vastness and seeming eternity of the cosmos and look at our place in it, we shrink to less than insignificance as individuals and so does everyone else, no matter what exalted position we or they may occupy or have claimed.
I've thought along the same lines recently and realized I've always done the best I knew how to do at the time and so did everyone else, depending on where I and they were in knowledge and attitude at the time.
Yes, I know, some were deliberate, but that's not for me to know, hold onto or judge It's time to abandon the feeling of unworthiness and guilt religion seeks to instill in us so we will be pliable little goose steppers.
Again, it get back to that doctrine of original sin and damnation that is so embedded in our psyches that it is virtually impossible to expunge. I, like you, am always looking for the roots of the damnable tree so I can dig them up.
"Vengeance is Mine!"
I'm not quoting Scripture.
The WCG (United, CoGWA) are null win environments. The Corporate System is dysfunctional. What we are really looking at is a Prison System.
With the exception of the leaders / founders, pretty much (with a few very notable examples of depravity) the Guards -- any Guards (ministers) charged with keeping order by any means necessary (as long as the main rule of not getting caught was kept) -- probably turned to evil in varying degrees. It is a function of the role in which the Guard is cast. When most Guards relinquish their role, all things being equal, they will return to a more or less original state of equilibrium, with the caveat that the experience should have taught them something.
The excess bagage from leaving a dysfunctional community in which there is no way to win, usually seems to transform into guilt -- the "I wish I had never abused other people" pang of conscience. As bad, or sometimes worse, is just standing by, letting evil occur without intervening in any way.
The core of this dysfunction is the dehumanization of those prisoners who are abused. They become animals or pawns to achieve a goal.
In the Stanford Prison Experiment, Philip Zimbardo noted that no one, neither the prisoners nor the guards employed much humor, nor did they go about to know the others on a personal basis. They focused on the misery of the environment.
Healthy communities thrive on rich interconnected personal and family relationships. People know one another, their talents and abilities, their interests, their hobbies. They look for ways to improve the situation of the other people in their community.
Unhealthy communities are a collection of people who are miserably focused on themselves, locked into survival mode.
The Ambassador College Prison Experiment should be looked on as an opportunity for each one to learn their own short comings, learn from them and solidify their ethical center -- to know who they are, what they believe and what boundaries they set.
The role of adopting guilt as an ex guard is so counterproductive.
None of us should leave it at that. We should be of the metal to stand up for those who are being abused. We can take our experience, and as Philip Zimbardo says, become heroes.
Douglas:]
You are so right. There really wasn't much laughter in the WCG. After leaving, I went back about 6 months later, just because I missed friends. What struck me was the incredibly long, unhappy faces of everyone in the church. When I was attending weekly, I never noticed it. I'm sure my face was just like theirs. We were so heavily weighted down with the burden of all the WCG imposed on us. Being away for 6 months was freeing. My happiness returned. I never went back again after that visit.
I'd say that if one individual were hurting, feeling negative energy, or experiencing toxicity as a result of being damaged or hurt by another individual, and if forgiveness would bring freedom from all of that into his life, then it's a no-brainer that forgiveness is a good thing.
Some people are naturally altruistic, and you almost never find them hurting others, not even by accident. However, most of us have hurt others, and some of us more than others. Appropriate is a powerful word that I enjoy using (when appropriate, LOL!). Forgiveness is a tool of life, to be used as appropriate. It is one of those positive things which we can all do to help break or discontinue bad cycles. It can also be a restorative to relationships.
It defies blanket statements, or one-size fits all applications, because there are so many possible situations in which it could help........or not. Most certainly, if we notice that someone is interpreting our forgiveness as enablement, a different tactic would need to be explored.
Forgiveness is just another one of several available life skills we humans need to treat with a measure of wisdom or discernment.
BB
Because of highly-offendable and selfish (carnal) nature, we will always be offended by others.
Then we will face the choice to forgive or not forgive. The theology of the Messiah is clear: forgive others because they don't know what they are doing and He has already PAID the PRICE for their sin; therefore it is HYPOCRISY to hold sins against others, as it offends the Messiah's offering.
If we choose not to forgive -- which is the SPS of this website -- you are not forgiven for your sins against the Creator and humanity and you can around the compounded guilt and sorrow from those sins until you die.
Those who have turned their backs on the Creator will certainly not be forgiven unless they repent. HWA will not bear the burden for your own sin, you have every chance in the world to repent on your own.
A shallow observation. Everyone gets 'tired,' but those who recharge themselves in the generosity, blessedness, mercy, and compassion of the Messiah will be refreshed and renewed.
The benefits of living the set-apart way of the Messiah (peace, joy, justification by faith) incomparably outweighs the burdens and hardships of struggling through on your own.
The Messiah says, take my burden for it is easy and my yoke for it is light. Truly forgiving others (and your own stupid self) and letting go of the cares of the world lightens your burden immeasurably.
Post a Comment