If I had to choose only one word to summarize James Malm, that word
would be "INTENSE." For all the regulars here who have been cleared
and approved by James and are definitely going to be attending with him this
year (LOL), you will need to spend every waking moment between now and the
feast preparing to be unassailable during one of the most intense and grueling
phases of your Armstrongite career, but just 9 average days in the life of
Apostle Malm. Once you arrive, it will be too late to fix anything that you may
have overlooked preparing for, and as you face the withering force of Malm's
interrogation, any oversight on your part may get you dismembered and sent to
the lake of fire on the spot. And we wouldn't want that to happen, now would
we?
To help everyone out, I've put together this handy feastgoer's
cheat-sheet, which will help you keep the most crucial pet doctrines in mind
during your oral exams. I guarantee you, you're definitely not going to want to
forget to bring this with you.
Here's your Cliff Notes for the most important pet doctrines James Malm
will be strictly enforcing for 9 days straight at his Oregon concentration
camp. Think of it as similar to Chairman Mao's "Little Red
Book", except in this case, you're dealing with Chairman Malm. Good
luck, comrade!
"Focus on the "spiritual" by focusing on the physical
letter of the law, while trying avoiding everything else physical"
- "God uses the physical to teach us spiritual lessons." (That's
why we should focus exclusively on the letter of Old Testament laws.)
- "The majority of the churches have been converted into social
clubs, fellowship and fun, and have pushed aside the spiritual focus. This even
has happened with the observance of the Holy Days of God."
- "[They] are to be filled with "spiritual" feasting*,
with physical feasting**, song, music and dancing*** for joy**** in the
Lord."
**** Joy: Don't be tricked by Satan into confusing
"joy" with "fun"
- "The real issue is around today’s resort non-Feasts which are
vacations with the excuse of a biblical Feast."
- "We are commanded to spend our tithe on [minimal] food and drink
and sharing with others, not on expensive vacations."
- "Feast sites are NOT to be established in vacation hot
spots."
- "Feast sites should be in poorer areas with no outside
attractions."
- "They are NOT to be spent in paragliding, car racing, or other
activities..." (sermons and bible study ONLY!)
Warning: When James Malm uses the word "joy" he is not using
it in any traditional sense. It is more akin to type of "joy"
experienced by Jews and Russians who had the opportunity to be made
"free" through "work" during WWII.
Zeal!
- "Truly many are all wrapped up in themselves and want to try do
an absolute minimum to just get by."
- "Most people are doing what they are told and not because they
love pleasing God, or because these festival messages are so inspiring."
(And they certainly are inspiring. NOT!)
- "Where is the true passionate love that says, 'How can I please
you my Lord?' Where is the going the extra mile to please God?"
- If you're finding it hard to get excited about ancient obsolete laws,
then you are a BAD person.
- If the feast doesn't feel like a burden, rest assured, you're doing it
wrong!
* "Spiritual" feasting: Give me 9 days straight and
I'll give you the letter of the law."
- "At the 2013 Feast I want to study the Ten Commandments. This
week’s material, and the covering of the other laws, statutes and judgments in
Leviticus and Numbers, completes the whole Commandments and Law study."
- "Please be aware that this will be a Feast somewhat different
from the traditional WCG."
- "The Sermons and Bible Studies will be consistent with the
teaching on this blog." (Facepalm...)
- "It will be a Feast of much strong "spiritual" meat;
not a vacation in some tourist site."
- "You can be sure that presentations will be full of meat and not
long-winded, boring; same old, same old." (Yeah, right.)
- "The Feast will be about making the most of our time for
"spiritual" instruction." (24/9 wall-to-wall sermons/bible
studies about keeping the physical letter of Old Testament laws.)
- "I am not a trained speaker...the content is most important...The
delivery will improve [eventually]..." (Zzz)
- Prepare to be inspired by browbeating harangues for 192 hours nonstop!
- Forget about spirit, intent, practicality, or sensibility. It's all
about rote, unthinking, literal, physical, strict pharisaical obedience to more
arbitrary and obsolete "commandments" than you could possibly wave a
stick at.
- Do NOT expect to hear any messages about mercy, forgiveness, or Jesus,
as such topics encourage a lack of "zeal."
"Chairman Malm: 100%
Agreement ONLY! Dissent “WILL NOT BE TOLERATED!""
- "This site is reserved for those who have proved the doctrine at
this site to [James Malm's] personal satisfaction and are solidly on
board."
- "Sacred Names people and others who want to attend only to push
heresies will NOT BE TOLERATED." (Malm's ex-wife is NOT welcome.)
- "Larry has taken a stand on the calendar, however he does not
agree on the meanings of the Festivals etc, and has said that he will not
attend our Feast site because I will not allow dissent." (Larry is NOT
welcome.)
- "One Strike and You're Out" policy. (You will become
instantly NOT welcome.)
- No fake 'love love' unity will be permitted, or Satanic unity through
pagan hand holding.
- If you don't feel like you're walking on eggshells or navigating a
minefield, rest assured, you're doing it wrong!
** Physical" feasting: Eating, drinking, and other
pleasurable indulgences during the feast
- "Church people even purchase goods and services on Sabbath and
Holy Days, especially in restaurants...FOR SHAME!" (If I could choose a
second word, it would be “shame.”)
- "Seek a room with a kitchenette." (You will NOT be eating
out during the feast!)
- "If that is not possible a small cooler to keep a few perishables
overnight."
- "A simple mid day meal of a salad, a pear, and some Edam
cheese." (It’s very important that the cheese be Edam…)
- "All grocers have very convenient ready to eat choices from
veggies and dip plates, to readymade salads, fruit, sandwiches, cookies and
sweets, cheeses, bread, etc."
- "This will not be...a feast of booze; it will be a [purely
figurative] feast at the table of the Lord."
- Curtail wasting too much time indulging in physical pleasures such as
eating and sleeping, or nonessentials such as bathing and tooth brushing,
because these are needless distractions that take time away from focusing on
god and his word during the feast.
- The less time you waste eating, the less time you will waste in the
bathroom, as it is not proper to read the bible while pooping.
-
Other pleasurable indulgences, such as having sex with one's wife or
with a prostitute, are frowned upon even during non-holy time.
Traveling to the feast
- "Staying in a motel is not a problem as we pay and get settled
BEFORE any Sabbath or High Day."
- "Arrive early enough to take care of all necessaries before the
first High Day or Sabbath."
- "Inform them that no service will be needed on Sabbaths or High
Days; which usually delights them."
- "People claiming to be converted Godly people have paid bills,
packed belongings, cleaned their temporary dwellings and traveled on this High
Holy Day...This is a DISGRACE and a blot on your garments."
- Always remember the 3 most important words in Malmism: Preparation,
preparation, preparation!
Accommodations
- "If we all camped on a local farm and met in the barn and truly
kept the Feast rejoicing together; what would it matter if we stayed a day
beyond what we calculated?"
- "If funds are a major problem [you] might consider camping out on
[your] farms or in [your] back yards."
- While on the farm, one should probably be careful not to accidentally
feed or milk the animals or accidentally spread physical manure on the sabbath
(but spreading spiritual manure is okay).
- "Those who have nowhere to go, might chose to go to a place where
they can study intensely without the distractions of the many carnal activities
usually associated with the modern feast observance."
- "Apartment dwellers might, as a last resort only; set up a tent
indoors to [physically] act out the analogy of being travelers in a strange
land." (???Why???)
- Whatever you do, ignore the biblical commandment to build a booth!
Proper attire
Men:
- "Tzitzit fringes have been superseded by the holy spirit which it
represents. However the fringe is certainly lawful and desirable. It is highly
likely that this will be required like circumcision, in the coming Kingdom of
God and I would never object to anyone
who chooses to wear one."
- "The uncovering of a man’s head, and that does not mean the
shaving of his head, but the removal of the hat or covering; was a sign of courteous
respect for God."
- "We are not to cut our hair or beard in the fashion of making our
face look deliberately circular as a sun symbol."
- "we are not to shave round circles on our hair as sun symbols and
we are not to shave our heads and beards in mourning."
- To be clean shaven is okay (drapes, not carpet).
- No word from James about whether a suit and tie is required, or if
some ancient robe or tunic is more proper for appearing in before god. Somehow,
I doubt James owns any nice looking clothes.
- Do not wear a phylactery, tefillin or frontlet. (Please leave these at
home.)
Women:
- "Feminine hair...should be covered in a gesture of modesty and
respect for her husband, when she prays or discusses the word of God."
(24/9 during the feast.)
- "[A married woman] removing or refusing to wear a covering veil
represented an unfaithful wife, a fallen woman, an adulteress...For a woman to
go uncovered was to be seen as a rebellious or adulterous wife...a lewd woman
is to have her veil removed..."
- "[Women] are simply not to cut our hair into anything resembling
a 'masculine' style."
- No unclean furs such as mink, but unclean furs such as badger may be
okay since they were used in making the OT tabernacle. Furs and makeup are
probably signs of feminism.
- "I am amazed at the number of strapless dresses, mini-hemlines,
plunging necklines, and sprayed-on applicator dresses that are worn for
purposes of worship."
- Wearing a burkah might be interpreted as a sign of a bad attitude.
(Please leave these at home.)
The blowing of shofars
- "There is no excuse not to obey the commandments and observe this
Feast as God has commanded! With Shofar, Shoutings and Rejoicings!"
- If you are one of the rare individuals in modern society who does not
already own a shofar, you'd better order one now, because a shofar and an
offering are the two items you are definitely not going to want to show up
without.
The waving of branches
- "Here we have a direct command to take branches and to rejoice
with them for seven days."
- "Boughs or branches of goodly trees are to be cut on the very
first day, the High Holy day of this Feast."
- "The palm and willow are specifically mentioned, however we are
NOT told that these branches are limited to the palm and willow."
- "The branches [people] represent the main harvest of humanity
being brought into the Temple [family] of God."
- "We are to rejoice with our branches; to represent the great
rejoicing as the main harvest of humanity is brought into the family of
God!"
- "if [you don't do this] you are losing out on a valuable lesson
and much understanding of the meaning of this Feast."
- It isn't clear exactly what "valuable lesson" one might
learn from stick waving, but perhaps James will clue in the elect to this
esoteric knowledge during the feast.
- Just to be safe, you might want to go online to the Jewish websites
and order your citron, or etrog, now. The good ones go first. Any observant Jew
knows that your branches are meaningless without your citron.
*** "Davidic" dancing vs. "carnal"
dancing
- "Biblical dancing was never this touchy feely embracing
dancing...not the ballroom dancing style...and not the usual COG big band
carnal dance at the Feasts."
- "Dancing before the Lord as David involved songs of praise and
dancing for joy in the Eternal."
- "It was always dancing as an expression of joy closer to the
Jewish dancing or a kind of leaping for joy and rejoicing before God. We should
be doing that at the Feasts."
- "This is too energetic for Sabbath but excellent for the middle
Feast days."
No word from James about whether it is proper or improper to
"shamelessly uncover" oneself as David did.
Prayer
- "Prayer is degraded into an emotional experience; indeed much
such prayer is not to seek God, but to impress those present by voluminous
flowery and impressive language."
- "Hand holding is a definite emotional bonding between people;
instead of a personal contact with Almighty God...The pagan concept behind this
tradition is to demonstrate UNITY by holding hands together."
- "Hand holding is most definitely wrong and has its roots in
witchcraft."
As you attend the Feast-gulag 2013 with James Malm, not only will it be
a time of mind-numbing agony, you'll also know you're pleasing god. How can you
be so sure? Because Chairman Malm said so, and he certainly sounded sure when
he said it. Imagine being sequestered away with these jokers who have
self-selected themselves as some of the most judgmental people in all of
Armstrongism. It promises to seem like an eternity of cloistered boredom,
pointless study, minimal food and drink, and a vow of poverty. Obviously this
is the perfect preparation to acclimatize you to the kind of happiness, fun,
and excitement you can endure all the time in the wonderful kingdom of god
you're preparing to be imprisoned in forever. With James Malm, you never have
to worry about what happens when you die, you're as good as dead already. Don't
forget to smile, comrade!
Something James Malm is blind to is how truly odd and unusual he is. He
assumes he's an average specimen, but he is ANYTHING BUT normal. His eccentric
lifestyle might compensate for his emotional deficits and chemical imbalances,
but normal people could NEVER live such a suffocating and INTENSE lifestyle.
How many repeat priso-, um, customers do you think James Malm will have at next
year's concentration camp, once they fully realize the mistake they made by
coming the first time?
As you prepare for James Malm's first feast, here's a little song you
can hum to put you in the mood and inspire a little "feast fever."
Accentuate the Physical
by Johnny Mercer & The Pied Pipers
Gather 'round me, everybody
Gather 'round me while I'm preachin'
Feel a sermon comin' on me
The topic will be sin and that's what I'm ag'in'
If you wanna hear my story
Then settle back and just sit tight
While I start reviewin'
The attitude of doin' righteous
You've got to ac-cen-tu-ate the physical
E-lim-inate the spiritual
Latch on to the negative
Don't mess with the Apostle In-Between
You've got to spread gloom up to the maximum
Bring "fun" down to the minimum
Have zeal or tribulation is
Liable to walk upon the scene
To illustrate my last remark
Herbert and Dave Pack, Malm and Roderick
What did they do
just when everything looked so dark?
Man, they said:
We'd better ac-cen-tu-ate the physical
E-lim-inate the spiritual
Latch on to the negative
Don't mess with the Apostle In-Between
You've got to spread gloom up to the maximum
Bring "fun" down to the minimum
Have zeal or tribulation is
Liable to walk upon the scene
~~ Head Usher ~~