Welcome to (Splinter Name Here), Incorporated. You have been accepted into this Super-Secret Corporation for the sole purpose of backing up and supporting (Splinter Leader Here) on his mission to "Warn the World". You will also be responsible for the financial support of any and all projects that (Splinter Leader Here) deems necessary.
Unlike most corporations, we will not pay you. You will pay us. The reward for you will be knowing you are contributing to (Splinter Leader Here) "Warning the World", and the chance of your qualifying for eternal life.
Please familiarize yourself with your Job Duties. You will be responsible for following the Code of Conduct of the Corporation, and following all rules and guidelines set for you by the Church and by your Direct Supervisor.
SABBATH AND HOLY DAYS
These are required attendance Job Events. You must attend the required Corporate Meetings as scheduled. Attendance is mandatory. Failure to attend these Job Events will result in discipline up to and including termination of employment.
Sabbath and Holy Day Observance begins at precisely Sunset on the required Day and ends at precisely Sunset the next evening. Sabbaths are always observed Friday Night through Saturday Nights. Holy Days are observed as scheduled.
Dress Code for Job Events is Professional Dress only. This means Jacket and Tie for men, Dresses for ladies. You must bring required Job Guidebooks to Job Events, as well as pen and notebook. Your children are required to attend as well.
SICK POLICY
You must contact your Direct Supervisor to inform them if you are sick and unable to attend Job Events. Repeated failure to attend Job Events may result in Discipline up to and including Termination.
FRATERNIZATION POLICY
You must not fraternize deeply with non-Employees of the Corporation. You also may not marry, date, or otherwise romantically fraternize with non-Employees of the Corporation. Failure to follow this policy may result in Discipline up to and including Termination.
INSUBORDINATION POLICY
You must submit and obey the directives of your Direct Supervisor, and any other Supervisor of the Corporation. Failure to follow any directive of any Supervisor of the Corporation may result in Discipline up to and including Termination.
BENEFIT PROGRAM
As an Employee, you qualify for the following benefits:
- A chance to qualify for eternal life, subject to job performance and obedience to Direct Supervisors
- Attendance at Yearly Convention
- Attendance at Corporate Social Events
- Free Subscriptions to Church Corporate Periodicals
- Weddings, Funerals, and other Ceremonies conducted by your Direct Supervisor
- A chance to qualify for third tithe financial support, if absolutely needed
- A Free Convention Parking Sticker For your Car
- A chance to qualify for Advancement
- Square Dances
- Taco Salad and Vegetarian Beans at Potlucks
- Dwighty Songs
RULES AND REGULATIONS
- You must not date anyone of the same gender, or of a different race, at any time.
- You must maintain approval of your Direct Supervisor to date, propose, or to marry any other Employee.
- You must follow approved Policies on all romantic or sexual activities, in or out of Marriage, at all times.
- You must refrain from profanity, coarse, or unallowable conversation at all times.
- You must never call the Minister by his first name, ever. He is to be referred to as "Mr." at All Times.
- You may not refuse advancement; nor may you ask for advancement. The decision is solely up to your Supervisor.
- You must not applaud for any reason unless approved at Job Events.
- You must not observe any non-Corporate events at any time. This includes any worldly celebration, unless approved.
- You must not watch any television programs not approved by Corporate at any time.
- You must not listen to any music not approved by Corporate at any time.
- You must not dress in any way not approved by corporate at any time, whether at or not at Job Events.
- You must adhere to Family Hierarchy at all times.
- You must not listen to or support other Corporate Leaders from outside of This Corporation at any time.
- You must keep your house clean at all times.
- You must avoid all other Corporate Buildings from "Worldly" Corporations at all times.
- You must avoid anything deemed "pagan" by Supervisors, unless approved by Supervisors, i.e. Wedding Rings.
- You must avoid all vaccinations.
- You must not vote or be involved politically for any reason.
- You must maintain appropriate gender-based hair lengths at all times.
- You must read the full list of rules and regulations, too long to be listed here.
- You must use words such as "Behoove", "Incumbent", whenever possible.
- You must only pray to your "Father in Heaven".
- You must shake hands firmly at all times.
FINANCIAL SUPPORT REGULATIONS
- You are required to PAY US ten percent of your Job Paycheck each period. This is for Herbert Armstrong.
- You are required to SAVE an ADDITIONAL ten percent of your Job Paycheck each period. This is so you can attend the Annual Convention.
- You are required to PAY US, every third year, an additional ten percent of your Job Paycheck each period. This is to support those who are not doing their part, but are trying to.
- You are required to PAY US, seven times a year, an amount of your choice at various Job Events.
- You are required to PAY US, when asked, for specific SPECIAL PROJECTS as required by Herbert Armstrong.
- You are required to PAY US, when asked, for funds required for Local Activities, for your enrichment.
- You are required to PAY US, when asked, for any other reason in the support of the mission of Herbert Armstrong.
PHYSICAL ACTIVITY REGULATIONS
- You must abstain from physical sports that can cause bodily harm as determined by the Corporation.
FOOD REGULATIONS
- You must abstain from foods deemed "Unclean" by the Corporation. A list is available on request.
CORPORATE EVENT SPECIAL RITUALS
- You must, upon Baptism, attend "Passover", and partake of broken Matzo and Red Wine. This is mandatory.
- You must, for seven days a year, remove leaven from your house and eat only unleavened foods. This is mandatory.
- You must, once a year, completely abstain from food and water. This is mandatory.
- You must, once a year, attend the Annual Convention. This is mandatory.
FORBIDDEN NON-CORPORATE EVENTS
- "Worldly Events" and things that are forbidden include the following events (and all associated material objects):
- Christmas
- Easter
- Halloween
- St. Patrick's Day
- Valentine's Day
- All "Catholic" Observances
DISCLAIMER
Your association and attendance with the Corporation are completely voluntary and at your own discretion. You are free to leave at any time. The Corporation makes no guarantee as to the fulfillment of Benefits. The Corporation reserves the right to make any changes at any time. The Corporation may terminate your association at any time. Prophecies, Speculations, Opinions, and Statements of any event, present or future, are subject to change with little or no advance warning. Prophetic statements are not to be taken as absolute. All corporate statements are the opinion of the authors and may or may not reflect actual fulfillment. Ordination not necessarily required for Direct Supervisors. Direct Supervisor training only meets the general criteria as required by the Corporation. You further absolve the Corporation of any damages that may occur as a result of involvement with the Corporation. You proceed at your own risk. The Corporation is not an equal opportunity employer. Certain bookcases may be crooked, and curtains may be ragged.
submitted by SHT
