Top 10 Bizarre Biblical Tales

Top 10 Bizarre Biblical Tales

The Bible is full of many fascinating tales – many good, and some bizarre – here are the top 10 bizarre tales from the Bible.

10. A lesson for those who dare mock male pattern baldness

Found in: 4 Kings 2:23-24
One of the more inspirational passages in the Bible tells the story of Elijah, a wise man, yet one cursed with male pattern baldness. One day he was minding his own business, making the long walk to Bethel, when he is attacked by a roving band of children who tease him with names like “bald head.” But Elijah was having none of this, he turns round and curses them in the name of the Lord, and instantly two female bears emerge from a nearby wood and maul all 42 children to death.
The moral of this story? Don’t make fun of bald people. Frankly, why this story isn’t included along with the Ten Commandments is anybody’s guess, but I think it would serve as an excellent lesson for children who think baldness is something to be made fun of.


9. Eglon’s ignoble death

Found in: Judges 3:21-25
Ehud is the Bible’s sneakiest assassin (and also the only left-handed person mentioned in the Holy Book). He is on a mission to deliver a “message from God” to smarmy King Eglon. Ehud waltzes in to meet the gluttonous king, pulls out a sword and stabs Eglon in the stomach. At first he can’t get it in, but he pushes harder and eventually reaches his intestine. Eglon is so overweight, we learn, that his fat actually covers the hilt of the sword, pushing it further into his stomach until it’s not even visible. It’s at this point that Eglon loses control of his bowels and begins to defecate mercilessly all over his chamber. The King’s attendants eventually come back, but do not enter Eglon’s bed chamber, assuming he is relieving himself. After waiting “to the point of embarrassment”, his attendants burst in to find their king dead on the floor, covered in his own faecal matter. Meanwhile, Ehud had escaped to the town of Seriah.
The moral of this story? Who cares, but it’s damn cool.


8. Onan – cautious, yet foolish

Found in: Genesis 38:8-10
A story so eponymous, it gave way to its own neologism – onanism, an archaic term for masturbation. Basically, God kills Er. Why? We don’t really find out. However, in a stroke of good luck, Er’s father, Judah, has given you the right, nay the duty, to have sex with your dead brother’s wife. Onan is a bit apprehensive at first, but agrees to go through with this bizarre scheme to create a ‘true heir’ to Er. He begins to have sex with the girl, but at the last minute decides to pull out and spill “his seed upon the ground.” God is so irked he decides to kill Onan too, and thus nobody gets an heir. This story is the basis for the Christian condemnation of masturbation and birth control.
The moral of this story? In the words of Monty Python, “Every sperm is sacred…”

7. A very disturbing tale

Found in: Judges 19:22-30
Within the Bible, one occasionally finds stories so horrible, one can wonder what their purpose is. Not only is this story utterly bizarre, but it is also absolutely disgusting. A man and his concubine are wandering the streets when they decide to seek shelter for the night, and find a man kind enough to let them stay. That night however, a group of men turn up at the door and demand to see the guest so that they may have sex with him. The owner is unwilling to let his male lodger be raped and so offers up his virgin daughter instead. However, this is still not good enough for the men, so the owner offers them his guest’s concubine and the men accept. The men brutally rape the woman and leave her on the doorstep where she bleeds to death. If that is not enough, when she is found by her husband, he chops her up into twelve pieces which he sends to each of the twelve tribes of Israel.
The moral of this story? I would hope none.

6. A novel way to show your love

Found in: 1 Kings 18:25-27
Before Byron, before Casanova, there was David. Young and in love, David desperately wants to marry Saul’s daughter Michal and offers Saul anything he wants to let him marry her. What could Saul possibly want? Money? A vow of love? No. Saul wants foreskins. 100 to be exact. Why? Who cares. If you want my daughter, you’re going to have to find 100 foreskins by tomorrow. David finds this odd, but then again this girl is hot, so he goes out and kills 200 men, and collects their foreskins. It’s only then he remembers that he only needs 100 foreskins. Oops. Oh well, maybe if he hands over twice as many foreskins, Saul will be doubly as impressed. Indeed he is and duly hands over his daughter to David.
The moral of this story? Never be ashamed to do crazy things for love.

5. Like slicing salami

Found in: Exodus 4:24-26
Continuing the Bible’s fascination with all things foreskin, we get the bizarre story of God trying to kill Moses because his son isn’t circumcised. God is about to obliterate Moses when his wife Zipporah takes out a flint and quickly cuts the foreskin of his son (ouch), throwing the bloody skin fragment at Moses’ feet. “You are a bloody husband to me!” squeals Zipporah, flint in one hand, child in other. God, clearly freaked out by this woman, backs off and Moses is saved.
The moral of this story? Never turn down a woman for being a psycho. Someday she may save your life.

4. Jesus and the fig tree

Found in: Matthew 21:19; Mark 11:13-14
So, Jesus is walking from Bethany and he’s feeling a bit peckish. He encounters a fig tree, but unfortunately it is barren as it’s the off season for figs. Annoyed, Jesus demands the fig tree bear him fruit, however the fig tree doesn’t respond (it’s a tree), so Jesus, in an act of uncharacteristic rashness, curses the fig tree to death. This story is bizarre for many reasons, but mainly for how little it means to the Jesus story and how Jesus seems to react so harshly. OK, so he’s hungry, and we all get a little cranky when hungry, but come on, the fig tree had done nothing wrong. This just seems like abuse of powers to me.
The moral of this story? I honestly can’t think of one. This story seems so unimportant and purposeless yet both Mark and Matthew mention it so it must have some importance. The best I can think of is: don’t disobey Jesus, even if you’re an inanimate tree.

3. Even God is proud of his backside

Found in: Exodus 33:23
It’s a big day for Moses. He’s finally going to meet God face to face and is giddy with anticipation. Soon the time comes and Moses positions himself on a rock ready to see the divine creator himself. But God backs out at the last minute claiming that no man can see his face and live. However, he has a solution. He will let Moses have a peek at his backside, “And I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back parts: but my face shall not be seen.” Moses must be heartbroken. He was hoping to see God’s face not his bottom! Imagine explaining that to the wife: “Oh honey, did you see God’s face?” “Umm not quite…I got a great look at his ass though!” Moses most likely slept alone that night.
The moral of this story? God works in mysterious (and slightly gay) ways.

2. Balaam and his talking donkey

Found in: Numbers 22:28-30
Balaam is just minding his own business, spanking his ass (donkey) when suddenly he hears a voice. It’s his donkey who is asking him why he is spanking him. Balaam doesn’t seem the least bit miffed that his donkey has starting talking in the same language as him and says, “Because thou hast mocked me.” The donkey then gets philosophical and explains the nature of their relationship and how his feelings have been hurt. Eventually they make peace. Oh yeah did I mention it was TALKING DONKEY?
The moral of this story? Don’t beat animals. If they could talk then they would probably tell you how upset they were.

1. Jacob and the case of the magical genetics

Found in: Genesis 30:37-39
And the most bizarre tale in the Bible goes too…this head-scratcher from Genesis, with its utterly bemusing explanation of the genetic code. Basically, Laban is taking all of Jacob’s beloved striped and spotted cattle. Jacob is left with boring old, plain-coloured cattle, which he doesn’t seem to like at all. So Jacob concocts a cunning plan: he gets some sticks and begins painting stripes on them. He then plants them next to his cattle. What Jacob thinks is that if he gets his cattle to look at the striped sticks while copulating, then they will give birth to striped young. Now, we’d all expect this idiotic plan to fail and Jacob to learn a lesson about something or other, but no it actually works. The cattle give birth to striped young, and Jacob is happy. What on earth is going on here? Anyone with the most basic understanding of genetics knows that this is bunk. The odd thing is that this story seems to have no purpose and moral – it’s just there. And I can’t help wondering how many scientists with painted sticks had attempted to repeat this process before Mendel came along and said, “I’m pretty sure that’s not how it’s supposed to happen fellas, why don’t we try this instead?”
The moral of this story? Your guess is as good as mine.

Contributor: JT

Saul Persecuted Non-Halloween Observers

Did you know that Saul was on a holy terror and persecuted people who would not keep Christmas, Easter and Halloween? Halloween?????

This stupidity comes from Yisrayl Hawkins, the convicted felon who runs The House of Yahweh in Abilene Texas.  Hawkins mind was warped by Herbert Armstrong's teachings and then went off the deep end forming a cult in Texas.

Some of his recent stupidity includes:

The Apostle Shaul never taught Christianity any more after he repented of it and was converted to Yahweh's Laws. None of the Disciples taught Christianity. Christianity teaches the world to practice sin. Christianity teaches iniquity. They teach that the Laws of Yahweh are done away with, that Jesus Christ kept the Laws for them so they can continue to sin. If one does not know this, that person knows nothing about Christianity.
Jesus and Christ are pagan Gods that Constantine enforced the worship of.

Constantine changed the Feasts of Yahweh and instituted holidays, such as Christmas, Halloween and Easter, as official rest days to be celebrated, which also carried the death penalty for not observing them.

Those living in Galilee, where Yahshua and the twelve Disciples were born and raised, were persecuted the most because they were all taught by Yahshua, and then the twelve Disciples after Yahshua's death.
The Galileans fled to the land that later became known as America. They are now referred to as the American Indians.

"FOR SHAME: This is a DISGRACE and a blot on your garments."

The Apostle is ticked, and I mean REALLY ticked right now about the sinful nature of COG members around the world who start their travel home ON The Last Great Day. 

He is ticked that ministers have early services so people can get out and on the road that afternoon. 

He is ticked that people pay their hotel bills on that day.

He is ticked they cleaned their hotel room and packed their bags.

He is ticked they stop and buy food before sundown.

Oh, did I say he was ticked?

He is really, really, really ticked!

But I guess it is NOT a problem for him to post to his blog on the LCG or Friday nights or Saturdays?

To the Groups making up the Church of God

The Eighth Day of the Feast:  Is a High Holy Day,  Lev 23:36.   It is a Holy Convocation. You shall do no servile work (work of any kind)  therein.

For generations now, The Church of God has made it a practice to hold services early, on the Eighth Day;  to facilitate the travel plans of their members.  People claiming to be converted Godly people:  have paid bills, packed belongings, cleaned their temporary dwellings and traveled on this High Holy Day.  And their ministers have encouraged this in word and deed.

FOR SHAME:  This is a DISGRACE and a blot on your garments.  The Eternal will not hold you guiltless for defiling His Holy Time.  Repent quickly and turn from this wickedness;  lest ye be corrected.

Church people even purchase goods and services on Sabbath and Holy Days, especially in restaurants.  

I think someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!

God's Wrath To Reign Down on Australian Prime Minister?

British Israelism propagandist Craig White is all indignant that the Australian Prime Minister did not curtsy to Queen Elizabeth.  She is going to drawn down the wrath of God for failing to bow to the Throne of David!

Julia Gillard Declines to Curtsy to the Queen

Aussie Prime Minister refuses to acknowledge the constitutional head of state. The problem for her is that she refuses to bend the knee to the Throne of David - it may be that a Higher Power may break her political knees as a result.

I never cease to be amazed at how Armstrongites continue to make fools of themselves for all the world to see!

Living Church of God: Members Forced To Watch Film About Life of Rod

Apostle Malm is reporting on happenings in Living Church of God at the Feast of Tabernacles.  There seems to be a power struggle going on as the top brass attempt to see who can kiss Rod's ass the best.  Also, the LCG membership was subjected to a film on the life of Meredith while at the Feast.  God forbid if you got up and walked out during that!

I wonder if it talked about how Meredith claims he has never committed a major sin since baptism. Or how he made the membership and ministers lives miserable when he was over the ministry.  Did they include Meredith standing up in Tuscon bad mouthing Leona McNair causing him and the WCG to get sued?  Did it include film of Rod screaming and throwing a fit in the Auditorium during the receivership?  Did it include film of HWA removing him from office and banishing him from Pasadena for a year?  Did they include film of him planning to form a splinter cult while the WCG was defending him in court for his loud mouth?  Did they include film when he refused to reimburse hundreds of thousands of dollars that  members loaned him to start Global Church of God after he jumped ship to form Living Church of God?  Did they include film of Raymond and Eve McNair on their knees in front of him asking for forgiveness "with trembling lips?"

This film has to be one of the biggest whitewashes ever produced about a COG minister! But then, most of the Feast films were always propaganda that painted a rosy picture over the face of a deceitful cult that was destroying lives.  LCG Film : The Whole World Will Be Following Us In World Tomorrow

LCG is now in a power struggle over the succession to Rod Meridith and the game of office politics is raging as contenders and hopefuls compete in a “loyalty to Rod” contest.  In the midst of the Feast a film on Rod’s career was aired. I hear that on the Day of Atonement one elder actually preached that the day was all about obeying those ministers above you.

I will give it a day or two before Prophet Thiel gushes about the important witness about the life of Rod that was put on film, that there is no power struggle, and "yes, members are supposed to obey ministers!"