The Feast of Tabernacles is rapidly approaching and parents and family members are scrambling to buy gifts.
Do you have a legalist friend who is constantly preaching to you on how you are backsliding laodicean sinner because you have rejected Herb's teachings?
Are you sick of hearing how prefect they are in keeping ALL the law? Since we all know that there is not a single Armstrongite out there that keeps the law in it's entirety, you can now drive that point home with this unique gift!
Buy your friends a Feces Paddle!
Deuteronomy requires that true COG members carry a feces paddle when ever they travel. So whether you are camped in the Piney Woods of Texas, mosquito infected Lake of the Ozarks, the campgrounds on Jekyll Island or in your cave in Petra, you are required to have this tool on hand!
There is virtually NO other source world wide where you can get your very own feces paddle to carry with you. This is one of 365 individual Mosaic laws that you must keep if you are living by Law, not Grace. See Deuteronomy 23:13 on the paddle below which makes the doctrine of the feces paddle clear.This paddle is also very useful to those Christians who live by Grace alone. You can buy one of these, and give it to your Law keeping friend to show them that they have failed to keep all the law and are in risk of damnation. This may help them get out of the Slough of Despond of Law and onto the glorious road to
Liberty by faith in Christ Jesus.
Here are some people who need a feces paddle:
Seventh Day Adventists
Seventh Day Baptists
Hebrew Roots People
Yawehist Cult
Fundamental Baptists who insist on keeping "Baptist Standards"
World Wide Church of God people
Even Orthodox Jews may want to buy our feces paddle
You can buy your own Feces Paddle here: Law Keepers Feces Paddle Just think how much fun it would be to mail one of these to Spanky Meredith, Six Pack Flurry or Dennis Leap!
13 comments:
It says the paddle is supposed to be on your weapon. Hope none of them feast goers is flying.
What I would like to know, is where in scripture can you find examples of the Israelites, or, later, Christians keeping these feasts in places other than Egypt, where Passover was first instituted, at the portable tabernacle in which God lived during the sojourn of the Israelites, or at the temple in Jerusalem?
What gives ACOG ministers the right to call around to convention centers, get the best possible deals, and set up their own sites? And then, to make attendance mandatory for their members? There are no examples of this type of "innovation" in the Bible!
I guess legalism only extends just so far!
BB
"Deuteronomy requires that true COG members carry a feces paddle when ever they travel. So whether you are camped in the Piney Woods of Texas, mosquito infected Lake of the Ozarks, the campgrounds on Jekyll Island..."
MY COMMENT - Actually, I have very happy memories of the campgrounds attending the Feast at Jekyll Island. The Atlantic Ocean was not far from our tent site. However, I do not remember seeing any Fece Paddles.
Richard
The perfect Feast Gift for your Legalist Friends attending the Feast is the same that it always has for the predominantly Alcoholic Armstrongists: Booze.
I believe you could get a much cheapter "Pooper Scooper" at Pet Smart and adapt it to Festival use. Save a bit on Second Tithe.
M.T.Colon
My verification word was "Stoola" I kid you not! The universe is laughing
The gift here as described is inadequate for the job while the entire membership is wallowing in the cesspool of offal.
Just an observation:
I have found that those denominations or minister types who harp on Grace eventually need to have some rules to keep things under control. The Apostle Paul taught grace and then watched it spiral out of control in Corinth, only to start giving out the rules again.
People stuck in law, will always end up demanding or needing Grace because that's not working out so good for them.
It is not just WCG or the many splinters and slivers like a Flurry, Weinland or Pack who hurt people. Organized religion hurts people. Around here, rabid Baptist minister types hurt congregants in every way that reflected in our own experience. They drive some to crazy actions. Ministers commit suicide around here not infrequently. People are pissed off by them and money and tithing is the ever present theme along with attendance and compliance to leadership. Nothing new here.
Their summer camps help a few and screw up a few. Baptist ministers here get into alcohol problems and churches split and split and split over personalities and issues unresolvable.
Where two or three are gathered together, evidently, one has to be in charge, one has to follow and one has to clean up. Also there is usually three people disagreeing with each other and issues of government.
It's the nature of the beast. Bob Jones grads attack their college experience and outgrow the goofiness of the institutional beliefs and teachings. The rules there are amazing and stiffling far beyond anything AC ever had.
We who experience such things only have the choice of wiseing up and moving on or just getting stuck. I have been stuck many times but each time less stickily...is that a word?
Earthschool is very interesting. Denying our experience or just letting it spin us in circles would probably be a good defination of insanity. Doing it twice would be close too!!!
Pray for Fall, this NY boy does not like a SC summer!
So Dennis, you are saying that where two or three are gathered together in Jesus' Name, there will be divisions.
Sounds about right given the record so far.
Byker Bob, You asked;
"What I would like to know, is where in scripture can you find examples of the Israelites, or, later, Christians keeping these feasts in places other than Egypt,"
That is the point. You don't. It was forbidden to observe these in other than "The Place" that God chose from among the tribes and chose to dwell. Moses told Joshua that the Altar was to be built on Mt. Ebal in Samaria after Israel crossed the Jordan River and had come into the promised land. From Deut. chapter on 16 Moses tells Israel that they can not even keep the Passover and Feast of Unleavened Bread until they reached the promised land.
HWA incorrectly taught that the first Feast of Unleavened Bread (and night to be much observed that did not exist) was kept after Israel left Egypt. The first time they ever kept it was after the males were circumcised at Gilgal after they entered the promised land see Joshua 5:1-12. The first day of ULB the Manna stopped falling. The Passover was a memorial of the exodus events. Observing a wedding anniversary on the wedding day, can not be done.
These Annual Sabbaths were for one nation and could only be observed at the one place on earth, not in many convention sites like the WCG taught. None of those sites were anything more that a church service like any other at a church convention convention. None of the requirements of the Annual Sabbaths could have been observed at any of those sites. No Temple, No Altar, No sacrifices, No priesthood, No animals or produce from "THE LAND." It was all to be spitual worship, see John 4:21 read entire announcement of Jesus, v 1-43. No more Temple worship.
Impossible to comply with Lev. 23. laws and the statutes and ordinances of that law.
It was abolished at the cross anyway. Christ was the END of the law Rom 10:4.
What a farce.
Pray for Fall, this NY boy does not like a SC summer!
Glad to, but to who?
Just have to lmao at something that just happened. And, this is kind of related to our current topic, seeing as how past legalism also encompassed our personal effects and attire. I'm at the library right now on the computer. Some little four or five year old kid sat down at the station next me, and after he asked why his computer wasn't on, his next comment was, "Hey, you look like one of those motorcycle guys!" And, here I thought I'd like totally changed over the past few years!
BB
kids' know!
:)
Bob, don't be ashamed of being identified as a biker. Some ot the most genuine people I've ever known were bikers.
That doesn't mean I'm part of that world. I haven't even driven one of the beasts, and I'm not going to start in my mid-seventies. I never regarded them as a safe mode of transportation, and although I respected those who rode them, I never wanted to join them.
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