The Church of God’s Greatest Prophet Since Enoch (and by “greatest,” we mean the most deluded keyboard warrior the movement has ever spawned).
Ladies and gentlemen, behold Bob Thiel, more affectionately known as Crackpot Bob — the singular, heaven-sent, 100%-accurate prophet who was apparently pre-programmed into the universe at creation just so he could grace us with his endless stream of “maybe,” “possibly,” and “could be” hot takes. Forget Moses, Enoch, Elijah, or even Armstrong himself. This guy’s so supernaturally gifted he can spot a trade deal that’s been crawling through negotiations for a quarter-century and declare it a personal revelation from on high. Truly, the apex of divine insight.
Because, of course, the internet was custom-engineered by the Trinity exclusively for Bob. Printing press for Herb? Check. Television for the Worldwide Church? Obviously. But computers, Google, Harbringer's Daily, and NewsMax? Those were lovingly crafted so our resident Crackpot Prophet could cherry-pick headlines, slap a thin COG eschatological glaze on them, and crown himself God’s Most Miraculous Voice in these perilous end times. What a breathtaking cosmic coincidence!
And today — on God’s Holy Sabbath, no less — while normal people might dare to rest, pray, or (gasp) spend time with their families, Crackpot Saint Bob was once again hunched over his glowing altar of a computer like a man possessed, frantically banging out another sacred “proof” of his prophetic majesty. Family? Relaxation? Mere distractions. Real prophets don’t take days off when there’s fresh prophecy-adjacent news to misappropriate!
In his latest act of self-congratulatory brilliance, Bob triumphantly revealed that the European Union is… pursuing international trade deals. Stop everything. Alert the angels. Sound the shofars. The EU — a massive economic bloc whose entire purpose involves trade — is trading. And somehow this is brand-new, earth-shattering fulfillment rather than the most predictable thing on the planet since sunrise.
He breathlessly quotes:
After more than 25 years of negotiations, the trade deal between the European Union and Mercosur countries — Argentina, Brazil, Paraguay and Uruguay — took provisional effect on Friday.
European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen pushed ahead with provisional application despite a legal challenge before the Court of Justice of the European Union, effectively sidestepping a parliamentary vote on the deal’s full ratification.
“Provisional application will show the agreement’s tangible benefits,” von der Leyen wrote on X.
“And how legitimate sensitives have been addressed.” …
The The agreement eliminates tariffs on a majority of trade between the two sides, therefore creating a free-trade zone of more than 700 million people between the EU and Mercosur countries.
On Thursday, the EU Chief described the deal as “good news for EU businesses of all sizes, good news for our consumers and good news for our farmers, who will gain valuable new export opportunities, with full protection for sensitive sectors.” The EU-Mercosur free-trade deal took provisional effect on Friday despite a legal challenge before the Court of Justice of the European Union.
He then triumphantly points to the provisional EU-Mercosur trade deal (Argentina, Brazil, Paraguay, Uruguay) that took effect after more than 25 years of negotiations. A deal that had been in the works long before Donald Trump’s 2024 election. But according to Bob’s special prophetic insight, this happened because Trump talked about tariffs. Next, he’ll predict that water is wet and demand you acknowledge his 100% accuracy. Properly understood biblical prophecies are coming to pass, he intones — which in Thiel-speak means “I read something on the internet and now I own it.”
This trade deal was predicted here.
On November 6, 2024, I posted the following predictions on this COGwriter Church of God News page:
Donald Trump’s pointing to tariffs as the answer for US trade imbalances and manufacturing decline will incense the Europeans. Some type of trade war is coming. Europe will get more serious about trade deals with others internationally, such as being more motivated to approve the trade deal with the Mercosur block of South America. (Thiel B. Media declares Donald Trump won the election–now what? y Donald trump y eventos para observar. COGwriter, November 6, 2024)
Properly understood biblical prophecies are coming to pass.
What I predicted was the the re-election of Donald Trump would motivate the Europeans to agree to the trade deal with Mercosur. That has happened.
I also predicted that the Europeans would seek other trade deals–that also has happened and is happening.
Like every other self-appointed “prophet” in the modern Churches of God (of which there are zero real ones, because the New Covenant rather decisively ended that office), Crackpot Bob is simply a news aggregator in a suit who desperately wants to be something he is not. The Churches of God have never had a genuine prophet in their 90+ year existence — only a parade of self-proclaimed ones peddling half-truths, exaggerated “fulfillments,” and just enough fear to keep the more gullible members convinced they’re part of a special remnant.
But hey, at least Bob’s consistent. In a world full of actual events, he’ll always be there to declare “I told you so” about things that were already happening. Truly, the most accurate prophet money can buy.
The end times must be near — after all, how much more of this comedy can the universe possibly tolerate?
Armstrongism: still amazing after all these years.
1 comment:
This is not prophesying. This is just vaguely commenting on obvious world trends. An atheist can do the same thing. So how is it that one takes their vague comments on what is already obvious as bible level prophecies? What gives?
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