God's most highly favored Crackpot Prophet popped his ecclesiastical, self-righteous cork the other day about preppers who prepare for end-time events or natural disasters when the infrastructure breaks down after some calamity. Freeze-dried foods and other prepping foods in giant containers were a black market economy in Pasadena for many years in the 70's and early 80's. It was one of the typical COG pyramid schemes that enriched those above you in the chain of sales while you killed yourself selling products and never got anything but an empty wallet.
For decades, Armstrongism sold a very specific vacation package. Not Hawaii. Not the Feast site with the better buffet. Petra, Jordan: the rose-red city half as old as time, and, if the ministers were to be believed, the only zip code God would honor once the bombs started falling and the Germans invaded the United States. One minister in my church area said that we would be kicked out of the country and forced to fly on DC-10's and 727's which had a string of deadly crashes. They would force us on those planes, hoping they would crash before we got to Jordan. COG ministers could always be found to be such amazing agents of comfort and joy.
Then, once we made it to Jordan, the Jordanians would welcome us with open arms because God had stopped all military action happening in countries around them from reaching Jordan because of his special people who were to arrive there. The Jordanians were to be spared because we were soooooooooooo special. Then God, with a snap of his godly fingers, would instantly turn every cave into a well-furnished home with proper flooring, electricity, air conditioning, furniture, fully stocked pantries, clothing for everyone, and individual libraries in each cave that had all of Herbert Armstrong's books and articles in it. After all, we needed to memorize that material in order to teach the remaining sinful scum left over after the worldwide annihilation had ended.
Anyway, as Crackpot Bob likes to say, in the 1960s and early 1970s, members were told to keep "Petra bags" by the door-passports, Bibles, cash, good walking shoes, clean underwear, maybe a change of clothes-because the flight to the Place of Safety might come with the suddenness of a fire drill and the logistics of an airline that had not published a schedule. The 1972 date came and went. The 1975 Wonderful World Tomorrow did not arrive on time. Herbert Armstrong himself eventually snapped at the flock to get their minds off Petra, which is the prophetic equivalent of a travel agent refunding your ticket after selling you the destination for twenty years. The bags, however, never quite left the hallway.
Enter Crackpot Bob, scolding American "preppers" for stuffing 50-pound bug-out bags with tuna, flashlights, and a hand-crank radio while Grandma and the kid with the inhaler are somehow expected to yomp into the wilderness like Navy SEALs. Fair point, as far as it goes. Most families are not a National Geographic expedition. Then, without breaking stride, he explains that real prepping is scriptural: watch, pray, qualify as a Philadelphian, and wait to be whisked to a wilderness hideout that is not Montana, not Canada, and-wouldn't you know it-may well be in the general neighborhood of Petra.
Crackpot Bob's system is the same two-class ticket Armstrongism has punched since the Radio Church of God days. Revelation 12 is read as an airline seating chart. One group-the "Philadelphian remnant," which in practice means the people who accept his particular restoration of Armstrong's mantle-gets eagle wings and a wilderness meal plan for three and a half years. The other group, conveniently labeled Laodicean, gets Satan, persecution, and the privilege of learning the hard way. This is a remarkably useful doctrine if you happen to be the man who decides which congregation is Philadelphia this decade. It turns church loyalty into a survival strategy. Miss the right split, and your bug-out bag is just luggage for the Beast.
He is not even coy about the geography. No American state is the place. No Canadian province. The candidate list still tilts toward Jordanian rock, Sela, Moab, caves, and the same Isaiah 16 / Revelation 12 collage Herman Hoeh was assembling in The Good News while members were packing those bags. Crackpot Bob hedges-Petra may be it, it might be nearby, don't be dogmatic-which is the traditional Armstrongist weather report: 90 percent chance of Petra, 10 percent chance of "God knows," 100 percent chance you should keep listening to this work.
Mocking suburban preppers for unrealistic fitness standards while maintaining a theology in which ordinary families must one day flee, wander between countries, and hole up in a desert tourist site is not "prepping for reality." It is prepping for a sermon on fear.
A Christian under the New Covenant is not a member of a travel club whose safety depends on guessing the correct Nabataean ruin. Christ's promise is not "keep your passport current and join the right era of the church." It is that nothing-tribulation included-can separate the believer from the love of God in Him. The church's vocation in hard times is witness, endurance, and love of neighbor, not a three-and-a-half-year cave internship while the rest of the Body is written off as lukewarm.
The texts Armstrongism tapes together do not require a UNESCO World Heritage Site. "Wilderness" in Revelation is the Bible's old language for God sustaining a people who cannot sustain themselves-manna, not a packing list. Jesus' warnings about flight in Judea were spoken to people who could see armies around Jerusalem, not to families in Pasadena waiting for a prophet to announce the charter flight. Luke 21:36 is about wakefulness and prayer, not about qualifying for the only lifeboat in a sea of "Laodicean" Christians.
Fear is a cheap catechism. It keeps people scanning headlines, rating other churches, and treating tomorrow's newspaper as a boarding announcement. It also happens to be excellent for holding a small religious brand together after the original 1972 departure time was missed and the original apostle is long gone.
12 comments:
Bob will most likely at some point end up in Africa as his place of safety. It's the most neglected continent on earth, and totally outside of the German and Catholic minds.
If anyone I know ever tells me that they are going to the place of protection (Petra) I will tell them that I'll see you when you come back! Good luck on that!
From “Old Neo’s Book of Practical Millerites”, vol. 7, pg. 569
Millerism is nothing if not persistent. Millerism is nothing if not repetitive. The Great Disappointment was re-enacted over and over again after 1844. Joshua Himes, a zealous Millerite, began a Work in about 1842 that did large scale distribution of Millerite literature in the United States. Benjamin Baker, University of Maryland,, wrote:
“From his headquarters in Boston, Himes directed a bustling operation that broadcast Miller's doctrine through publications (some four million pieces distributed in four years), lecturers, conferences, and camp meetings. He made William Miller a household name in America. By 1842, the movement had “snowballed to the point where it could no longer be controlled by any group of leaders, let alone by Miller himself.”
But after the Great Disappointment in 1844, the Millerite movement did not just roll over and die, thanks to men like Himes. Himes became the leader of The Evangelical Adventist Church and The American Millennial Association. And Millerism continued. Baker writes further:
“Already maligned in newspapers as monomaniacal, after the 1844 date, the Millerites became a byword for religious madness…It is a mistake to think that the movement dissolved after 1844 though. Joshua Himes kept it alive into the 1870s with his Advent Christian Association, and other Millerites went on to found several distinct adventist denominations…”
As Ole Neo says, “What goes around, comes around.”
How can fear be evil? Jesus used fear when he said his opponents would not escape the damnation of hell (or something like that). He was a scary guy. Until they crucified him.
'The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge.' From proverbs in scripture.
Isn't Petra closer to Germany than where the USA is at. I need to be as far as possible from meanie germany.
But what if I live in England, that's too close. But don't forget England, because England is Ephraim according to armstrongites.
Petra….hmmmmm….I do remember the conversations we had in church that Petra would be our final place of training. Many of us singles, would marry etc etc etc….now that would be a place of training, especially in the middle of the Jordanian desert. Where to honeymoon I wonder? But we would all be under the watchful eye of the ministry, so all would be alright lol. Would like to visit Petra, but not under the Armstrong model.
Anonymous on Tuesday, September 22, 2026 at 10:50:33 AM PDT said ... “'The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge.' From proverbs in scripture.”
The fear of any of the 333 Splinter Groups is the beginning of stupidity and disaster. -- From real life experience.
I asked a COG leader a few years ago if his denomination had scouted areas for a possible "place of safety."
He said no - explaining God will show the denomination where to go when the moment calls for it.
So if the church isn't preparing on a physical scale, should I?
Remark doesn't make sense. Church is not a commune.
I believe that the followers of Herbert W. Armstrong would have been much less gullible and much less subject to manipulation if only they had added one valuable word to their vocabulary, and had been brave enough to use it. The word? Metaphor. HWA was a literalist except when He could find no way around it.
Yeah Evans and Radson will hire Witchdoctors to give Bobby a dream of an African place of safety.. Milk Bobby good...
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