Actually leaving your Church of Choice Church of God is difficult no matter what you actually feel inside. And, in reality, only you know exactly how you feel though even admitting that to yourself can take a long time.
When it comes to church and belief, we stay far longer than than when first we suspected or admitted, "This no longer serves me." We are programed to stay put. There are consequences real and imagined to stepping out on one's own. The Church has scriptural ammunition to shoot at you with. Leaving the group feels unnatural and in the past, to do so would threaten one's very survival in the real world alone. To even use the "Me" word, feels awkward, selfish and against all programing of "We" and "Us" the church provided you with over the years.
It was never "I am not divided. All one person ME". It is always "WE" and we sing those hymns, in part, to keep the program running and tuned weekly.
(Note: Church of God hymns weren't exactly designed to make us feel good about ourselves or confident that it was ok to do so. Even growing up Dutch Reformed were programed to "Trust and Obey. For there's NO OTHER WAY, to be happy in Jesus, but to Trust and Obey" Disturbing to say the least. )
Church was never designed to accommodate unbelief of its views. It is not designed to even recognize views of itself that might be less than true. It's certainly not designed for you to point them out. It is not designed for you to think about your own authenticity and feelings. It is not designed for the critical thinker nor the one given to introspection as to what seems right and what does not. Your church is designed to make you feel guilty and badly for hearing what you hear, seeing what you see and feeling how you feel about it all.
We learn to ignore the craziness we might hear from a pastor or the self appointed and remember, Ignore-ance is not just what we don't know, it's what we won't know.
"If your head tells you one thing and your stomach something else, your head is most likely lying to you."
The price for recognizing and finally admitting to yourself outwardly what you have known inwardly for a time is very high. It is not, might be high. It IS high and few there be that actually go there.
To many, if not most, going along to get along is the safer and less costly path. I know of those in the COG's who find this the best they are willing to do. I did it myself for a time. You'd not be alone in that either.
Going along to get along might have it's short term value as you think through how you REALLY feel about the drama, burden, beliefs and politic of your church and its leadership. But it is only of short term value. If it becomes "just how I am" and be untrue to what you really feel, it will gnaw until you go numb to it all.
It will feel like your feet are stuck in the mud and you can't really move, but, most of you can, as long as staying put is ok with you. That will feel good enough. That will be "OK", and you can hold the fear of change and self awareness at bay, maybe for just a little longer or maybe for the rest of your life. And if you do decide to actually move and get your feet out of the mud, as you see and feel it, you may have to step out of your expensive shoes and leave them behind in the mud.
You have invested so much. To walk away from what no longer inspires or serves you seems the ultimate defeat. We feel dis-illusioned like that's a bad thing. Who wants illusions? Well some do of course because it's easier and safer. But this is about you not them. What will everyone think of me? Will I retain my friends? Can I handle being alone in it all?
That's a decision only those stuck, and they know they are stuck, can make. Knowing when to hold them and when to fold them becomes the issue and one only the player can make.
A bit of encouragement here on the process of letting go, the price of doing so and learning not to care, when struggling with walking away from that which no longer serves you and you finally know it.
