Crackpot Prophet Blows His Cork Over Being Called A False Prophet

 

Oh wow, it took barely any time at all for God's Greatest Gift to the Universe to pop his precious self-righteous cork today. All because of a post calling out all of the lying COG false prophets. Shocking, I know.

Being the ultra-fragile man-child he is (seriously, not even his stint in the military could sand down those razor-sharp edges), he absolutely lost it over a single Grok-generated photo. 

The horror. 

The audacity. 

Someone fetch the fainting couch and a participation trophy—he's clearly been mortally wounded.

It just twists the sacred, silk-lined depths of his prophetic Fruit of the Looms—that the second someone shines even a tiny flashlight on the Armstrongism false-prophet clown car, his fragile house of cards starts trembling.

This self-anointed Oracle of All That Is True is absolutely convinced (with the unshakable certainty usually reserved for flat-earthers and people who still think pineapple belongs on pizza) that HE is the sole surviving vessel of genuine prophecy on planet Earth. Everyone else? Deceived dupes. Satanic plants. Discount-bin Elijah-wannabes selling expired rapture coupons. Meanwhile, the scoreboard of spectacularly failed prophecies looks like a CVS receipt after Black Friday.

False prophets in the Church of God movement? They’re a dime a dozen these days—more like a fire sale on apocalyptic hot air. There have been so many over the decades that even Herbert Armstrong himself must be tossing and turning in his grave, wondering what in the world he unleashed. “Did I really restore all truth… or just open the floodgates for every wannabe Elijah with a typewriter and a self-righteous grudge?”

Poor Herb. He started the fire… and now the whole backyard is ablaze with mini-mes screaming “I’m the real one!” while the rest of us grab popcorn and watch the show.

And what a show it is! 

The world's greatest theologian and Church of God leader to ever walk this earth had this to say about Billingsley, Pack, Flurry, and Weinland:

Now, it is true that Alton Billingsley was wrong about that as well as many other predictions he made. I have long warned against his false predictions...

I have also long denounced false prophets like Ron Weinland, David Pack, and Gerald Flurry...

But when he got to his name being mentioned...Holy Herbal Pills, Batman! Things didn't go so well with the Great Bwana!

That being said, here is what Gary Leonard at Banned put up after quoting Don Billingsley:

In the end, the modern-day Church of God movement has produced an unbroken parade of self-proclaimed prophets whose batting average sits at a pristine .000.

Every. Single. One.

I felt that butt-hurt all the way down here in Pasadena. No amount of butthurt cream will ever restore the Great Bwana to his self-righteous wholeness!

He then goes on to quote two COG men whom many thought were pillars of righteousness and had prophetic insight, when all they were were just news readers that parroted things already well known around the world. No prophecies were involved.

For example, in the old WCG at the Feast of Tabernacles in Tucson, AZ in 1979, I heard the late Dr. Herman Hoeh state that the Eastern Block nations, who were then behind the ‘Iron Curtain’ would end up uniting with Western Europe–that has happened.

In 1971, the late Gene Hogberg wrote that Europe would get its own currency (Hogberg G. EUROPE’S COMMON MARKET RISING WORLD COLOSSUS. Plain Truth, May 1971), and it now does.

He take particular offense at being associated with Flurry, Billingsley, Pack, and Weinland 

Getting back to nonsense from Banned, that site likes to try to connect me to false prophets like David Pack, Gerald Flurry, Don Billingsley, and Ron Weinland. And Gary Leonard referred to me as “that other global heavyweight of almost-truth, Bwana Bob Mzungu Thiel.”

He claims that because I have associated him with the Unholy Tetrad. This besmirches his prophetic status. It is "guilt by association".

Guilt by association has long been a tactic of Satan–he had his minions do that related to Jesus (Matthew 11:19; Mark 2:16; Luke 5:13). Anyway, on September 21, 2025, Gary Leonard posted the following:

No man alive in the Armstrongist churches today has ever authenticated the gospel message through signs, wonders, and miracles. None of them—including Bob Thiel and Ron Weinland— will ever do so in the future. They cannot even get a prophecy right, 

 

Well, that, of course is not true in the case of the (sic) myself in the CCOG.

He continues:

We do have the confirmed miraculous signs of the last days. 

 

Notice something that Herbert Armstrong wrote in 1985:

In these last days, according to biblical prophecy, knowledge, spiritual as well as material, was to be increased. The true Church of God was to be set back on the track, restoring the glorious knowledge of the faith once delivered to the saints in the days of the original apostles. (Armstrong HW. Mystery of the Ages, 1985) 

 

Would not spiritual and prophetic knowledge include making predictions inspired by God and having a better understanding of prophecy than the non-Philadelphian COGs?

If God had actually breathed divine inspiration into those so-called “predictions” and “prophecies,” then sure, we’d all be falling to our knees in reverent awe. But spoiler alert: that is emphatically not the case with Bwana Bob Thiel. God has done precisely zilch of the sort. Not a whisper. Not a nudge. Not even a vague celestial Post-it note. Bwana Bob is a pure, 100% self-manufactured wonder—so far off the prophetic charts that we’re all left breathlessly speculating what fresh, gourmet-grade lunacy he’ll serve up next. Will it be another dream where he’s hand-delivered the keys to the kingdom by an angel wearing a name tag? Or perhaps a brand-new “I told you so” about something everyone else predicted five years earlier? The anticipation is positively thrilling (said no one ever).

Then—because nothing screams “I’m the One True Prophet™” quite like a victory lap—he proceeds to parade a bunch of his supposed “prophecies” for our viewing pleasure. And what do we find? Every single one is just a news story he scraped off the internet, slapped a “Thus saith Bwana” sticker on, and called it revelation. The “end results”? Things that had already been shouted from every other Armstrongist rooftop, Reddit thread, and late-night YouTube rant for years. Real, original, specific, verifiable predictions?

None.

Zero.

Bupkis.

The Great Bwana then goes on to conclude with this:

Jesus said that fruits were the criteria to determine true vs. false prophets (John 7:15-20). The Continuing Church of God has the true fruits.

The Bible teaches:

16 The lazy man is wiser in his own eyes

Than seven men who can answer sensibly. (Proverbs 26:16) 

 

Do not simply accept nonsense and other anti-CCOG statements posted at places online. 

 

The Apostle Paul wrote:

20 Do not despise prophecies. 21 Test all things; hold fast what is good. (1 Thessalonians 5:20-21) 

 

The webmaster at the Banned by HWA website refuses to do that. 

 

Oh please, let's wrap this glorious trainwreck of a spectacle with the mic-drop it so richly deserves.

You bet I do! Given the horrendous, laughably abysmal track record of lying false prophets in the Churches of God—failed dates, recycled headlines masquerading as revelation, endless “I’m the real Elijah” meltdowns, and enough splinter groups to fill a convention center—there is absolutely no way any sane person who actually follows Jesus Christ would ever hitch their wagon to these self-appointed upstarts.

Thiel with his dream diary turned prophecy factory, Pack with his never-ending “final dates” that somehow never quite happen, Flurry with his royal throne and dirty rock, Weinland with his revolving-door prison prophecies, and now Billingsley joining the chorus of “trust me, bro, I’m the one”—these clowns aren’t successors to anything except the long, proud tradition of biblical warning labels.

They’re not shepherds.

They’re not watchmen.

They’re carnival barkers in ill-fitting apostolic robes, desperately trying to sell expired tickets to an apocalypse that keeps getting rescheduled.

So to every weary soul still caught in the COG hamster wheel:

Step off.

Breathe.

Open a Bible without the commentary track of ego and delusion.

And maybe—just maybe—realize that the true end-time sign isn’t another vague headline or self-proclaimed prophet. It’s the moment you stop listening to men who keep getting it spectacularly wrong… and start listening to the One who never does.

Until then, the popcorn supply is endless, the show is free, and the next episode is always “just around the corner.” Stay sane out there, friends.

The Largest Mass Conversion in the History of the Churches of God

 

Oh, sweet merciful heavens, let us now bow our heads in reverent awe at the epic biblical saga that has unfolded across the blessed continent of Africa.

For countless glorious, pre-Thielian epochs, our prophet Wade Cox—humble servant of the One True Church—has magnanimously informing anyone who would listen (and most who wouldn’t) that hundreds of thousands—no, scratch that—millions upon MILLIONS of precious African souls were somehow, inexplicably, bowing at the altar of his infinitesimally tiny, ultra-exclusive, last-days-only cult. Entire sovereign nations, we were assured, were on their knees night and day, clutching their well-worn King James Bibles, weeping, and chanting in perfect unison: “Wade! Wade! Please let us in! We promise we’ll keep the new moons better than anyone!”

And then… lightning cracks, heavenly choir hits an off-key high note… His Thielness descended upon the African plain like Moses with better internet and a GoPro. Suddenly—hold onto your prayer shawls—tens of thousands (probably more like 47, but who’s counting when you’re rewriting church history?) are flocking to his banner in what is objectively, indisputably, THE single most earth-shattering, demon-slaying, prophecy-fulfilling, greatest-of-all-time Church of God explosion since… well, since last Tuesday when someone else claimed the same thing.

Truly, we are witnessing the pinnacle of divine numerical creativity. Both of these apostolic accountants have spent literal decades mastering the sacred art of “aggressive rounding upward,” “visionary projection,” and the occasional “oops-that-was-actually-three-people-not-three-thousand-but-God-honors-faith-so-it-counts-double” maneuver. All so their handful of remaining devotees can clutch their monthly letter and whisper through tears, “Yes… yes… we really are the most special, most righteous, most numerically impressive remnant that has ever existed. The other 99.999% of Christianity can only dream.”

And then there are the African Sabbatarian saints themselves—true masters of ecclesiastical speed dating. Loyalty? That quaint little concept died somewhere between the third tithe and the fourth “special love offering.” These spiritual nomads treat church affiliation like a seasonal Netflix subscription: 

Month 1–3: “This group has the best sermons AND they’re sending rice!”

Month 4: Funds mysteriously taper → “The Lord is clearly calling us elsewhere.”

Month 5: New group receives 400 “new converts” overnight → 

“HALLELUJAH! God has poured out a fresh latter-day revival… right on schedule with the new fiscal quarter!” 

Cue wire transfers, joyous testimonies, and commemorative group selfies. 

Month 7: Rice runs low → rinse, repeat, new letterhead, same palms.

It’s a beautiful, never-ending carousel of divine coincidence, where every time the money well starts looking a little dry, God—in His infinite wisdom—immediately sends yet another wave of eager, freshly-minted “converts” to the next group with the fattest wallet and the most gullible checkbook.

Truly, it warms the cockles of one’s cynical little heart to behold such pure, unfiltered, orchestrated gospel theater. 

We are not worthy. 

______________________________

Wade Cox had this  up the other day:

Hi we have received another request for a consortium of 64 churches to join us this week as well as many smaller groups.

This was my general letter to the coords involved.

Dear Kandongo Joseph Ezekiel,

We are very pleased to hear from you and your request for induction to CCG.

Please have everyone study A1 and A2.

I have cced this to all national coordinators in the area. Joash Okiny Hamisi is TZ coordinator and he will arrange for your induction there. Jack Owuor will assist him as is necessary for your induction. We will locate you with local churches there and in other nations. Bizimana Bosco our East and Central African project officer in Uganda will contact you and arrange for inductions also. Habimana Pascal is coordinator for Burundi, Jean Ramazani in Rwanda and Mudimba Muhindo Lene is in the Congo with Jean Paul Nyonzima. George Onyango is Coordinator for Kenya and we are in the process of inducting another large church group in these countries that joined us last month and others.

It seems that we will have well over 40 churches in western TZ and Joash will talk with you about organising the west.

I would like reports from all Coordinators on the churches in their national areas and to arrange for their induction. Send Joseph your contact details also.

Warren and Sosten please arrange for the Zambia inductions with the others and advise me. (Warren is Coordinator for South Africa and Sosten is Coordinator for Malawi. Shungu is Coordinator for Zimbabwe).

Just for information this makes over 110 churches in two months before Passover of the Sabbath Year. Perhaps we have over 10,000 added to us in two months. How many baptisms and ordinations before Passover is anyone’s guess.

Wade

Alton Billingsley: US and Israelite Nations To Be Destroyed In 2026

 

The Church of God is positively bursting at the seams with so many self-appointed, truth-challenged false prophets these days that keeping score is getting downright exhausting.

We’ve got Dave Pack, whose “Christ” is apparently making a special detour to Wadsworth, Ohio, just to squeeze in a quick shopping trip at the Giant Eagle. Then there’s Gerald Flurry, waiting for his version of Christ to show up in Edmond, Oklahoma, ready to be crowned King of Kings on some ridiculous chair with a grimy rock from Oregon shoved under the seat. And let’s not overlook Ron Weinland, the pioneering Church of God prophet who achieved the rare distinction of becoming a convicted felon. All of them are batting a solid, unwavering .000.

Don’t forget Alton Billingsley’s legendary 2021 prophecy masterpiece—truly groundbreaking material… if you happen to enjoy predictions that come with a complimentary industrial-sized salt shaker. (Every other “prophecy” this man has ever made has crashed and burned so spectacularly that failure might actually be his spiritual gift.) And of course, he remains faithfully devoted to his royal collection of qualifiers: “possiblies,” “maybes,” “could-bes,” and the timeless classic, "God delayed this prophecy because the church was not ready".

Truly the same prophetic bloodline of brilliance shared with that other global heavyweight of almost-truth, Bwana Bob Mzungu Thiel—Africa’s leading authority on things that almost, kinda, sorta, maybe could happen… eventually… probably not.

Possibly close to the Passover, April 4, 2023, will begin the famine to last for three and one-half years that God in heaven above is bringing on His people, the House of Joseph, America and Britain, and other tribes of Israel.

Prophecy also makes known the devil will release Assyria-Germany from the bottom- less pit. Therefore, bringing into existence the Holy Roman Empire sometime during the year, 2024.

Then the severity of the famine, with pestilence, Covid 19 mutating into the black plague, will commence destroying America in particular—then the same to come upon the other Israeli nations in 2026! All this is to be followed by nuclear warfare (Ezekiel 5:12)—with the lone exception of Judah. Her fate will come later.

Before all this, there will be a civil war, 2024-2025 (Jeremiah 51:46 "... Violence in the land ruler against ruler....") Could the civil war begin because of the possible assassination of President Trump? Something momentous will have to happen to trigger it! The civil war will start before the finality takes place. Details will follow in other writings.

This year, 2023, will lead into unparalleled and frightening times! This nation and the world are presently asleep to what will soon befall them, similar to the pre-flood world of Noah, and Sodom and Gomorrah (Luke 17:26-30 "... so will it be in the day when the Son of Man is revealed ...").

May God have mercy. The Ezekial Watchman

The cover letter had this: 

This is a cover letter for the Ezekiel Warning Messages to begin appearing monthly on the Church of God Faithful Flock Website-Warnings from God's use of His promised Elijah of the end-time to a people who have rejected and forgotten their God.

In view of Prophetic Biblical teachings, connected with major disastrous events, now occurring, and projected to worsen on a national and international scale over the next few years, strongly implies Jesus Christ will be standing on this earth in the year-2029. This is eight years from now, 2021. How quickly time flies!

They also make known this nation is in mortal danger of being destroyed, as a nation, along with Britain, and other nations of Israel, in the year 2026-no more than five years from now, 2021. Prophesied to be destroyed by a super-power far greater than America.

Though it has not yet appeared, it is prophesied to be fully developed by the year-2024. This is only three years from now, 2021. 

 

In the end, the modern-day Church of God movement has produced an unbroken parade of self-proclaimed prophets whose batting average sits at a pristine .000.

Every. Single. One.

From the granddaddy Armstrong-era offshoots right down to the current crop of internet-enabled dreamers, the track record is depressingly consistent: bold proclamations, confident timelines, dramatic “Thus saith the Lord” declarations… followed by the sound of crickets, goalpost relocation, spiritualized reinterpretations, and—when all else fails—the classic “it was fulfilled spiritually, you just didn’t have eyes to see it.”

Scripture is brutally clear on the matter: one failed prediction and the claim of divine authority collapses like a house of cards in a windstorm (Deuteronomy 18:22). No appeals to “human frailty.” No partial-credit mulligans. No “close enough for prophetic work.” One swing-and-miss = false prophet. Period.

Yet here we are, decades later, still watching the same tragic comedy repeat itself with new characters and slightly updated websites.

The conclusion is painfully obvious:

It is long past time to stop giving these men platforms.

It is long past time to stop treating their fever dreams as divine revelation.

And above all—it is long past time to stop giving them your money.

Because every dollar sent to a proven false prophet isn’t supporting “the Work.”

It’s subsidizing the next round of embarrassing, date-setting, fear-mongering failure.

The true church of God has never needed a parade of prophetic pretenders to survive.

It certainly doesn’t need them now.

Walk away.

Keep your wallet closed.

And let the modern false-prophet industrial complex finally starve for the attention and cash it no longer deserves.

The scoreboard doesn’t lie.

WARNING! The Earth Is Getting Ready To Swallow Up All Of The COG "Korah's, Dathan's and Abiram's"

 

Why do so many Church of God splinter groups appear to be captained by men who clearly lost a very important argument with reality and never recovered? For a self-proclaimed elite remnant—the very crème de la crème of God’s special snowflake squad, personally selected to perform some world-shaking “mighty work”—we sure have a remarkable talent for attracting the absolute cream of the crop when it comes to unhinged, blithering, mouth-breathing leadership material. 

Common sense? Rational thought? Those poor things apparently took one look at these guys, said “hard pass,” and sprinted for the hills years ago, leaving nothing but a cartoonish cloud of dust and a note that read “good luck, you absolute clowns.” Honestly, your average garden gnome—yes, the one with the chipped hat and the thousand-yard stare—would bring more emotional stability, theological coherence, and basic human dignity to the table than 98% of the current COG “leadership” roster. And it wouldn’t even demand a second tithe.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, feast your eyes on the latest masterpiece from our favorite apocalyptic fan-fiction author, Samuel Kitchen. He’s back, baby, spinning yarns so tall they need their own zip code—something about the glorious Church of God gearing up to order the planet itself to open wide and gulp down its enemies like a cosmic Pac-Man. All perfectly timed, of course, to the sacred, mystical, numerologically significant anniversary of Herbert W. Armstrong’s checkout date. 

Remember the good old days when the die-hards used to camp out at Mountain View Cemetery every January 16 like it was the world’s saddest tailgate party, thermos in hand, binoculars ready, just waiting for HWA to burst forth from his grave like a budget-store Lazarus to single-handedly reboot the One True Church? Bless their hearts. Forty years of wilderness wandering later, even the most delusional among them have mostly shuffled off, muttering something about “maybe next decade.”

Anyway… back to Samuel’s latest award-winning entry in the Wishful Thinking Olympics.

1986-2026: FORTY YEARS IN THE WILDERNESS

On January 16, 1986 (6 Shevat) Herbert W Armstrong died in his home located in Pasadena, California.

This year, on January 24, actually marks the 40th year anniversary of his death (being the 6th day of Shevat on the Hebrew Calendar). 

 

For the love of all that’s holy and slightly unhinged—what is this relentless obsession so many COG self-appointed saviors have with slapping Hebrew calendar dates onto everything like it’s some kind of spiritual seasoning? Nobody in the real world thinks like that. Nobody cares. Normal humans say “January 16th,” not “the 6th day of Shevat". But nooo, they’ve got to sprinkle every sentence with “the Hebrew reckoning” to sound extra super-duper Biblical and oh-so-authentic. 

And then there’s our boy Samuel, who apparently spent the equivalent of forty years in the wilderness (fitting, really) digging through the Old Testament until—eureka!—he unearthed the perfect little parable to explain the spectacular dumpster fire that was the implosion of the Worldwide Church of God. Behold: the story of Korah, Dathan, and Abiram. Yes, those three charming gentlemen were, according to Samuel’s deep prophetic insight, divinely inserted into the Bible thousands of years ago for one sole purpose: to serve as a timeless warning so that today’s COG ministers could finally be held accountable in these perilous, super-duper-extra-special end times. Because obviously, the entire point of the Torah was to provide future ammunition for 21st-century splinter-group drama. How could we have missed it? Truly, the mind boggles at the sheer depth of this revelation.

Events to note that occurred during the 40 years: 

 

1. Korah, Dathan and Abiram, THREE SHEPHERDS(Zechariah 11:8) rose up among the assembly, against the government of God working through Moses. 

 

They were LEADERS among the Assembly! They kept the Sabbath and Holy Days, keeping the FUNDAMENTAL BELIEFS. They even were present during the receiving of the Ten Commandments of God! They saw the miracles of God, and the crossing of the Red Sea, and the plagues of God in Egypt! 

 

They didn’t like how God led through His ONE MAN, Moses. They wanted to organize where THEY WERE IN CHARGE. They called “the congregation Holy” and claimed that God ”spoke through them also”. 

 

They said Moses “concentrated too much authority to himself”. 

 

How like those who came after the death of Herbert W Armstrong! 

  

Now Mr. Armstrong, was a type of Moses. God appointed the ministry in this Church through him.

We have seen men rise up and create new church organizations, disagreeing with how God governed through the Worldwide Church of God. Disagreeing with the apostle whom Christ placed over them. 

 

Like Korah, Dathan, Abiram, they reject the Lordship of Jesus Christ, and the government of God.

And because they rejected His Government, their proclamation of His Kingdom being restored to this earth, is distorted and twisted. The event is SURE TO HAPPEN, but because they have rejected how Christ is governing His Church, they are leading people AWAY FROM GOD.(Deut.18;19-20; Deut. 13:1-7) 

 

The god of Armstrongism has got to be the most pathetic, limp-wristed, incompetent deity ever hallucinated into existence by the fevered minds of men. Satan’s got more gold stars on his scorecard than this supposed Almighty has. In fact, the Prince of Darkness is so ridiculously overpowered these days that he’s basically running the entire show—actively worming his way into the minds of every single COG splinter group like some kind of spiritual termite. Every. Single. One.

Except, of course, for the one shining beacon of purity: Samuel Kitchen. (And maybe Aaron Dean… for now. Poor Aaron’s street cred is evaporating faster than a puddle in the desert sun, so don’t get too attached.)

Samuel, in his infinite prophetic wisdom, has issued a solemn, thunderous warning to all the false shepherds infesting the COG splinter scene: [dramatic pause for effect] …and we’re all just dying to hear what fresh apocalyptic word salad he’s about to serve up next. Stay tuned, faithful remnant. The end is nigh… apparently.

Now for the last FORTY YEARS these men have done their deeds! God has sent warning through His servant. As a WITNESS AGAINST THEM. 

 

But when the TWO WITNESSES step into the office of Moses and Aaron, there will be sufficient witnesses to put men to death (2-3 witnesses). That is why you see the THREE SHEPHERDS in the wilderness falling and being swallowed up by the earth.

And it gets worse:

“And the earth helped the woman, and the earth opened her mouth, and swallowed up the flood which the dragon cast out of his mouth.” 

 

Let’s break down verse 16. 

 

We see Satan “persecuting the woman” in verse 13. 

 

Through that persecution the woman QUALIFIES for the promise mentioned in verse 14.
(see Revelation 3:8-11) 

 

Now verse 16…. 

 

1.”And the Earth helped the woman”. 

 

This is where the events of what happened to Korah, Dathan and Abiram occur. The earth opened up and SWALLOWED the camps and groups OPPOSING the Government of God, which had ROSE UP AMONG THE ASSEMBLY! Which came from the Worldwide Church of God? 

 

2.”and the earth opened up her mouth, and swallowed up the flood which the dragon cast out of his mouth” 

 

When the church goes to Jerusalem, and flees to the mountains, ARMIES (pictured by floods) will pursue the Church and God will cause the earth to open up and SWALLOW THEM. 

 

But what happened to Korah, Dathan and Abiram, came by way of the LEADING MAN of the Two Witnesses. He warned, and therefore when they didn’t listen, consequences came. 

 

At the close of the FORTY YEARS, the TWO WITNESSES remained, while none of the rebels INSIDE THE ASSEMBLY lived. They all were gone by the time THEY ENTERED the promises! That was to send a MESSAGE TO THE CHURCH! 

 

God was putting down a POWERFUL “AMEN”. He meant what He said! 

 

So this year, marks the 40 year anniversary of the death of Herbert W Armstrong, and the Worldwide Church of God has been spiritually fed through obedience to what was given through him. 

 

Those who oppose do not enter the promises but died in the wilderness. 

 

It’s time we listen to God’s Warning! EXIT THESE GROUPS! We are the Worldwide Church of God! REPENT and BELIEVE GOD! 

 

Is it really any wonder the once-mighty COG was permitted to dissolve into a sad little puddle of nothingness? Please. No sane person on God’s green earth is clamoring for the “restoration” of that charming little authoritarian nightmare so many nostalgic holdouts still wet their dreams over. It was vile. It was corrupt. It was abusive to its members in ways that would make a cult expert blush—and surprise, surprise, the same toxic “church government” blueprint is still being flogged like a dead horse in every aberrant splinter group that clings to it today. 

Newsflash: it doesn’t need to be restored. It never did. It never will. The universe has already voted, and the verdict is a resounding “hard pass.”

Samuel’s grand vision of himself single-handedly resurrecting the Worldwide Church of God under his benevolent shepherding? Yeah, that’s never going to happen. Not in this lifetime, not in the next. Aaron Dean will shuffle off this mortal coil still loyally collecting his UCG pension. And Samuel? He’ll spend his golden years in the same tireless, fruitless quest he’s been on for decades—staring at the horizon, waiting for Herbert W. Armstrong to come striding back from the grave to personally anoint him and reboot the glory days.

Spoiler: the grave is staying quiet. The glory days are staying dead. And the rest of us? We’ll just keep living in the real world, where calendars have normal months, and God doesn’t need constant man-made excuses for why everything keeps going spectacularly wrong when it comes to COG prophecies.