Samuel—our fearless guardian of the one true remnant—has once again dusted off a priceless relic from the golden age of Armstrongism, when the church was supposedly "pure and virtuous" (meaning everyone knew their place and bowed nicely to the fearless leader, of course).
This gem is clearly a tantrum-throwing sermon or Bible Study from some minister—maybe even Herb himself—ranting about all those naughty rebels who dared to question the divine order and exit stage left during the glorious 1970s rebellion era (roughly 1971–1974, when a bunch of ministers and members had the audacity to think for themselves). It's typed on an actual typewriter, so you know it's ancient, authentic, and definitely not another one of those sneaky AI fakes Samuel got caught peddling just the other day. Or, is it?
The classic line gets trotted out yet again: "Those who have rebelled against God have left the Body of Christ." Ah, yes, the favorite epithet the church loved to hurl at anyone who so much as raised an eyebrow or packed their bags. Spoiler alert: It was never true—not then, not now, not ever. Leaving Armstrongism doesn't torpedo your salvation. Shocking, I know.
And naturally, if you're "outside" the one true church, who's running the show? Why, big bad Satan, of course—the ultimate scapegoat for every doctrinal flip-flop, failed prophecy, or inconvenient fact the ministry didn't like. No nuance, no personal responsibility—just straight to the devil's doorstep.
Then comes the real kicker: All those nasty COG splinter groups are wallowing in "iniquity," and under no circumstances should you dare observe Passover with them. Nope, Passover is only legitimate if Samuel (or maybe Bob Thiel, depending on whose ego is louder that week) is presiding over the bread and wine. Everyone else? Spiritually radioactive.
And according to that dramatic final paragraph on page three—keeping Passover the "right" way will literally save your life. Christ will wash you sparkling clean that very night, while everyone who is doomed to death by the sword. (Because nothing says "love and mercy" like a divine hit list tied to your choice of Passover venue.)
Unfortunately—for those trapped in this theology—the cleansing lasts exactly one nanosecond. The moment you partake, you're pristine... right up until you sin again. Which, let's be honest, happens about twenty-five minutes later. Drive out of the Masonic Lodge parking lot (or wherever the "true" service was held), someone cuts you off in traffic, you mutter a less-than-holy word under your breath—BAM! Sin strikes again. Your shiny white robe? Instantly filthy. Back to square one, doomed to wallow in 365 days of miserable, sin-soaked guilt until the next Passover rolls around for your annual reset button.
What a liberating system, right? Truly the pinnacle of spiritual freedom and joy. Who wouldn't want to live like that? In a church where you can never do anything right. Forget the New Covenant with its grace, redemption, and restoration. Who needs that wishy-washy protestant liberal theology!
Keep clutching those old typewritten sermons, Samuel— they're clearly working wonders and will bring in millions of dollars to buy that auditorium that you so earnestly covet
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