Jesus’ Second Coming Itinerary: Church Politics, Then Maybe the Apocalypse and Satan (If He’s Not Too Tired)

Ah, yes—the perpetually seething, grudge-holding God of Armstrongism. The divine equivalent of that uncle who’s been stewing since 1975 about how the family ruined Thanksgiving and now shows up to every reunion with a baseball bat and a spreadsheet of grievances.

Why is He always so angry?

Because in the Armstrongist universe, God’s emotional range is basically “wrath” with occasional brief pauses for more wrath. This isn’t the “God is love” guy from the New Testament. This is Old Testament Greatest Hits: God as cosmic axe-wielding executioner who’s really upset about church organization charts, failed prophecies, and anyone who dares to keep the Holy Days without sending enough money to the right headquarters.

The theological roots remain the same: a heavy, lopsided diet of angry prophets, British Israelism, and end-time obsession that turns every minor church drama into cosmic prophecy. The various self-appointed leaders position themselves as the One True Remnant™, so anyone running a competing splinter is automatically a rebel against God Himself. And we all know how God handles rebels in their favorite scriptures—fire, slaughter, and zero chill.

Enter the Divine HR Hitman: Jesus Returns to Settle Splinter Scores.

According to Dave Pack’s teachings, when Jesus returns (the second time, before any rumored third time), His first priority isn’t comforting the suffering or battling actual evil empires. Nope. He’s going to personally slaughter three Church of God leaders one at a time, like a cosmic game of whack-a-mole with extra fire.

“Open the doors and let the fire devour the cedars.” 

Then, after that invigorating church-sanctioned hit job, He’ll spend years mopping up the rest of humanity. Priorities!

Now let’s add the full cast of characters this perpetually pissed-off God apparently has beef with:

• Dave Pack (Restored Church of God): The man who wrote the script. His version of Jesus starts with executing three rival shepherds in sequence. Pack has long positioned himself as the final apostle, so naturally his version of Christ shares his exact enemies list.

• Gerald Flurry (Philadelphia Church of God): The “That Prophet” who built a mini-empire in Edmond, Oklahoma, complete with his own Armstrong College and a very expensive auditorium. In the Pack prophecy lens, Flurry is almost certainly one of the three cedar shepherds getting divinely barbecued first. God (or at least Dave’s God) is apparently furious about all that Malachi’s Message merchandising and those fancy concerts.

• Bob Thiel (Continuing Church of God): The dream-interpreting, double-portion prophet from California who split from LCG after claiming God spoke to him through earthquakes and nightmares. Bob’s endless “prophetic updates” and endless begging for “co-workers” make him prime fodder for the divine slaughter list. Jesus returns… and immediately has to deal with Bob’s latest dream newsletter. The sarcasm writes itself.

Picture it: The King of Kings descends, the sky splits open, and instead of “Peace on Earth,” it’s “Hold on, I need to handle these three COG preachers who wouldn’t submit to the correct hierarchy.” Dave, Gerald, and Bob—the holy trinity of end-time rivals—getting taken out one by one while the rest of humanity watches in confusion.

Sarcastic translation:

“Welcome back, Lord! What’s your first miracle?”

Taking out the guys who run the other tiny Sabbath-keeping groups. They used the wrong logo and didn’t recognize My true servant.

It’s comically petty. The Creator of galaxies returns… and His top priority is settling scores between competing Armstrongist splinter groups. Not Satan. Not the Beast Power. Not global tribulation. Just church politics with extra violence.

Why does their God need to be this violent, perpetually pissed-off creature?

• Control mechanism: A raging God is perfect for tithing and loyalty. “Send it in or you’ll end up like one of those three shepherds Jesus personally executes.”

• Prophetic one-upmanship: Each leader (Pack, Flurry, Thiel, and the rest) has to sound more urgent and apocalyptic than the others. Herbert W. Armstrong set the tone; they’ve just cranked it to 11 and added specific names, timelines, and body counts.

• They worship the God of the Law, not Grace: Jesus gets reduced from loving Savior to angry enforcer who’s mostly coming back to punish everyone who didn’t keep the Holy Days correctly or support the right “work.”

• Massive ego projection: When your entire identity is “I alone am God’s faithful servant while Flurry, Pack, Thiel, and the Laodiceans are all scum,” it’s convenient when God shares your exact temper and hit list.

The irony is thicker than a stack of old Plain Truth magazines. These leaders have been wrong about dozens of dates and prophecies for decades, yet their version of God is so obsessed with doctrinal purity that He’ll start the end-time slaughter with other Church of God ministers. 

Classic Armstrongism: a small, angry religious fiefdom projecting their own pettiness and rage onto the Almighty. The God they describe doesn’t seem interested in mercy, relationship, or emotional stability—He just seems exhausted with all the splintering and ready to burn it all down, starting with the competition. 

What a loving plan of salvation.