Why Bob Thiel Is Convinced His Tiny Sabbath-Keeping “Philadelphian Remnant” Will Be Persecuted Within the Next Four Years (And Why He’s Been Wrong About Every Single Deadline Since the Last Ice Age)
Oh look, brethren—er, I mean, the three dozen faithful who haven’t yet fled to another city—real persecution is coming. Again. This week’s recommended sermon from the Continuing Church of God’s very own Dr. Bob Thiel (PhD in made-up prophecy) is all about “prophecies related to Sabbath-keepers,” which is Thiel-speak for “please keep tithing while I recycle the same 1970s Armstrongist fear-porn and pretend it’s fresh revelation from God.”
The man who once claimed God gave him a dream that he was the prophesied Elijah-to-come (before quietly walking that one back when it got too embarrassing) is now dusting off Matthew 10:23 like it’s a brand-new text hot off the divine press:
Oh look, brethren—er, I mean, the three dozen faithful who haven’t yet fled to another city—real persecution is coming. Again. This week’s recommended sermon from the Continuing Church of God’s very own Dr. Bob Thiel (PhD in made-up prophecy) is all about “prophecies related to Sabbath-keepers,” which is Thiel-speak for “please keep tithing while I recycle the same 1970s Armstrongist fear-porn and pretend it’s fresh revelation from God.”
The man who once claimed God gave him a dream that he was the prophesied Elijah-to-come (before quietly walking that one back when it got too embarrassing) is now dusting off Matthew 10:23 like it’s a brand-new text hot off the divine press:
When they persecute you in this city, flee to another. For assuredly, I say to you, you will not have gone through the cities of Israel before the Son of Man comes.
Jesus was talking to first-century apostles. Bob Thiel reads it and hears a personal four-year eviction notice aimed squarely at his living-room Zoom Bible study in Arroyo Grande. Because nothing says “humble servant of God” like turning a travel advisory for the Twelve into a personalized persecution countdown clock that somehow always lands on “within four years… or maybe eight… or twelve… but definitely soon, brethren, send more money.”
But the real comedy gold comes when Thiel drags out Daniel 11:28-35—the passage every failed end-times huckster has been misapplying since the ink dried. The king of the North gets mad, pollutes the sanctuary, persecutes the “wise,” etc. In Thiel’s special translation (the one with the invisible asterisk that says “*This means me and my 47 followers first”), this somehow proves the “bulk of a relatively soon coming persecution (perhaps within four years)” will hit the Philadelphian remnant Christians before anyone else. Why? Because Revelation 3:8 says they have “a little strength” and have kept His word. Translation: Bob’s group still meets on Saturday, avoids bacon, and tithes like it’s 1974, so obviously Satan has them circled in red Sharpie on the global hit list.
The logic is airtight if you’ve had a lobotomy:
And the lies? Oh, the lies are the real miracle here. Thiel has claimed divine dreams proving he’s a prophet more times than most people change their socks. He’s predicted specific wars, economic collapses, and end-time events with calendar precision—none of which have arrived on schedule. When they don’t, he simply moves the goalposts, reinterprets the dream, or blames the brethren for not praying hard enough. It’s the prophetic equivalent of that friend who keeps swearing “this time the check is in the mail” while his bank account is overdrawn into next year.
Meanwhile, the rest of Christianity—billions of people who also claim to follow Jesus—gets a free pass until Bob’s elite little flock has been sufficiently thinned out. Because nothing screams “the true church” like believing the entire planet’s apocalyptic drama revolves around whether your micro-group in California gets raided before the Baptists do. The arrogance is almost impressive. Almost.
So yes, real persecution is going to come. Any day now. Within four years. Or eight. Or twelve. Just keep fleeing to the next city, brethren. The Son of Man is right behind you—probably stuck in the same prophetic traffic jam Bob Thiel has been directing since he split off from the Living Church of God because they wouldn’t crown him Elijah 2.0 fast enough.
Pass the popcorn. And maybe some bacon. You know—for the non-remnant who aren’t living in Bob’s perpetual four-year countdown to nowhere
But the real comedy gold comes when Thiel drags out Daniel 11:28-35—the passage every failed end-times huckster has been misapplying since the ink dried. The king of the North gets mad, pollutes the sanctuary, persecutes the “wise,” etc. In Thiel’s special translation (the one with the invisible asterisk that says “*This means me and my 47 followers first”), this somehow proves the “bulk of a relatively soon coming persecution (perhaps within four years)” will hit the Philadelphian remnant Christians before anyone else. Why? Because Revelation 3:8 says they have “a little strength” and have kept His word. Translation: Bob’s group still meets on Saturday, avoids bacon, and tithes like it’s 1974, so obviously Satan has them circled in red Sharpie on the global hit list.
The logic is airtight if you’ve had a lobotomy:
- Bob Thiel = the Philadelphian remnant (he checked the dream journal).
- Daniel 11 says the remnant gets hammered first.
- Jesus said flee, so pack the freeze-dried manna.
- Therefore, within four years the government, the Vatican, the UN, the Illuminati, and probably the local HOA will burst in demanding Sunday worship and Easter ham while forcing everyone to work Saturdays in matching “666” T-shirts.
- Don’t forget to buy Bob’s latest book on the subject. It’s only $29.99 and comes with a free “I told you so” sticker for when it doesn’t happen.
And the lies? Oh, the lies are the real miracle here. Thiel has claimed divine dreams proving he’s a prophet more times than most people change their socks. He’s predicted specific wars, economic collapses, and end-time events with calendar precision—none of which have arrived on schedule. When they don’t, he simply moves the goalposts, reinterprets the dream, or blames the brethren for not praying hard enough. It’s the prophetic equivalent of that friend who keeps swearing “this time the check is in the mail” while his bank account is overdrawn into next year.
Meanwhile, the rest of Christianity—billions of people who also claim to follow Jesus—gets a free pass until Bob’s elite little flock has been sufficiently thinned out. Because nothing screams “the true church” like believing the entire planet’s apocalyptic drama revolves around whether your micro-group in California gets raided before the Baptists do. The arrogance is almost impressive. Almost.
So yes, real persecution is going to come. Any day now. Within four years. Or eight. Or twelve. Just keep fleeing to the next city, brethren. The Son of Man is right behind you—probably stuck in the same prophetic traffic jam Bob Thiel has been directing since he split off from the Living Church of God because they wouldn’t crown him Elijah 2.0 fast enough.
Pass the popcorn. And maybe some bacon. You know—for the non-remnant who aren’t living in Bob’s perpetual four-year countdown to nowhere
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