NOTE: It's that time of year again in Church of God land and the anti-Christmas crowd is spewing its hilarious venom. Bob Thiel has doubled down on his yearly childish melt-down.
So, it's time for a rerun:
So, it's time for a rerun:
As Christmas approaches, the Armstrongism crowd is out in full force, frothing at the mouth and spewing their annual tirade about how utterly demonic the holiday is.
Classic Armstrongite rants are designed purely to belittle anyone who dares celebrate Christmas:
Nimrod, the mighty hunter against God!!! (Because apparently he was the original rebel without a cause.) He married his own mother, got himself killed, and—poof!—an evergreen tree miraculously sprouted from his grave.
Got angels on your tree? Congratulations, you're dangling dead babies in honor of Nimrod!
Nimrod was depicted as a baby (naturally), alongside the pine tree representing his reborn self. Babies were allegedly burned alive as offerings to him. So those cute little angel ornaments? They're supposedly murdered infants. Charming.
Those shiny strings of tinsel symbolize the serpent/Satan slithering around. (And knowing Armstrongites' bizarre obsession with sexual innuendo, I won't even speculate on what else that "snake" might imply. Use your imagination—it's probably worse.)
Hanging ball ornaments? Bold move—you're adorning your tree with Nimrod's testicles!
Legend has it Nimrod was chopped into pieces after death, and his... ahem... family jewels were never found. Hence, we hang balls on evergreens to commemorate the missing parts. (Nimrod must've had some seriously massive ones to inspire an entire global tradition.)
Back in the day, they supposedly fed babies into fires to celebrate Nimrod's birthday. Angels = dead babies, red suit = fire (obviously). So putting your child on a jolly fat man's lap in red is basically ritually passing them through the flames.
The hilarious irony? When these Armstrongites unleash this avalanche of unhinged nonsense, they somehow think it's "witnessing" for their god. Newsflash: it converts exactly zero people. It just repels everyone and makes them look like conspiracy theorists who flunked history class. They're not drawing anyone closer to Jesus Christ—they're just embarrassing themselves spectacularly.
Christmas trees symbolize Nimrod sprouting from his grave:
Nimrod, the mighty hunter against God!!! (Because apparently he was the original rebel without a cause.) He married his own mother, got himself killed, and—poof!—an evergreen tree miraculously sprouted from his grave.
Voilà, the world's first Christmas tree. How festive.
Got angels on your tree? Congratulations, you're dangling dead babies in honor of Nimrod!
Nimrod was depicted as a baby (naturally), alongside the pine tree representing his reborn self. Babies were allegedly burned alive as offerings to him. So those cute little angel ornaments? They're supposedly murdered infants. Charming.
Tinsel on the tree? Oh honey, you're literally draping Satan's snake all over it.
Those shiny strings of tinsel symbolize the serpent/Satan slithering around. (And knowing Armstrongites' bizarre obsession with sexual innuendo, I won't even speculate on what else that "snake" might imply. Use your imagination—it's probably worse.)
Legend has it Nimrod was chopped into pieces after death, and his... ahem... family jewels were never found. Hence, we hang balls on evergreens to commemorate the missing parts. (Nimrod must've had some seriously massive ones to inspire an entire global tradition.)
Nimrod certainly had some big balls!
Dare to plop your kid on Santa's lap?
Back in the day, they supposedly fed babies into fires to celebrate Nimrod's birthday. Angels = dead babies, red suit = fire (obviously). So putting your child on a jolly fat man's lap in red is basically ritually passing them through the flames.
And Santa? Just an anagram for Satan. Mind. Blown.
The hilarious irony? When these Armstrongites unleash this avalanche of unhinged nonsense, they somehow think it's "witnessing" for their god. Newsflash: it converts exactly zero people. It just repels everyone and makes them look like conspiracy theorists who flunked history class. They're not drawing anyone closer to Jesus Christ—they're just embarrassing themselves spectacularly.
But hey, maybe that's par for the course in Armstrongism? After all, who needs facts when you've got Nimrod's imaginary gonads to rally around? Merry Christmas, folks—may your trees be ball-free and your holidays blissfully snake-less. 
