Tuesday, July 2, 2019

Divorced Wanna-be COG Prophet Lectures Church on Marriage and Proper Christian Sex



Of all the hundreds and hundreds of names the Church of God has added to its moniker, none of them have ever called themselves the Sexy Church of God, or the Sexless Church of God or the Church of God in Sex.  They really should though, as much as so many of their tired old leaders talk about it.

Today we have the divorced Official Church of God Pharisee lecturing the church on what proper marriage is and how to have Christian sex.  Why is it that all of the COG leaders who screech and yell about sex are either prolific bed-hoppers, divorced or sexually repressed?  Have any of them had a normal marriage?

James Malm, as usual, is parked at his kitchen table cranking out more demands for his few followers to keep, even though he soon expects his message to reunite the church into one big happy legalistic fairytale.

After talking about how men and women should refrain from sex before marriage to keep themselves pure for their marriage to Jesus, he lays down how his followers who do get married as to how they should be having sex, including penetration.  Ouch!

Keys to good sex  
Always remember that good sex begins when we wake up in the morning, because a great marriage makes for good sex. 
  1. Do not expect a spouse to be in the mood if the day was filled with offenses or high stress  
  2. Begin in the morning by committing oneself to live through the day avoiding offenses and always acting for the best interests of the family 
  3. Through the day be kind, considerate, helpful, affectionate  
  4. Remember to touch, a loving caress or a big hug and a kiss on the neck can be most encouraging
  5. Handle problems or worries as they come up and do not allow many worries to build up into high stress
  6. Be cleanly, remember that cleanliness is next to godliness and a dirty or malodorous body is a big turn off; and remember that you are used to your own smell and may not notice an odor which is very offensive to others, so shower whether you think you need to or not  
  7. Make time to spend time with one another.  There may be times for a quickie, but spending an hour or two making each other feel loved on a regular basis is very important
The main principle to guide any sexual [or any other] activity in marriage is that the act be one of deep love and concern for the other.  

Helpful tips  (For the FIRST time)
The wedding night should be a tremendous delight and should be an absolutely positive beginning to any marriage.  Unfortunately it is often the case that virgins view the wedding night with unneeded concern and trepidation.  The groom may fear that he will be unable to penetrate, while the bride may fear that she will suffer pain or even damage.  These fears are unfounded if only people understood how to perform the initial act.  
Quite simply the groom should first engage in significant foreplay and then penetrate with one finger which will be relatively painless and will do no damage.  When the bride is comfortable use two fingers and then three, after which penetration by the husband will be easy, painless and most pleasurable for both.  The lady should NOT do this herself but give this pleasure to her husband so that he will know without doubt that he is the first and only one.  
This knowledge will remove all fears and will make the wedding night a wonderful pleasure for both bride and groom and a tremendously wonderful beginning of a lifetime of love and loyalty for one another. 
So how often should a married couple have sex? The Pharisee did get one point right:

How often? 
As often as the couple wants!  The husband and wife should enjoy one another to the full.
Some people have stronger drives than others and it would be wise to discuss this point when contemplating marriage. 
But don't get too wild in the bedroom (or kitchen), anal sex is out!
No couple need deprive themselves of the blessings of pleasing their spouses whenever the need runs high, just because someone else has decided for them what he thinks they should be doing or not doing. Anal sex is wrong because it damages the body and exposes one to disease, otherwise what any couple does for each other in their marriage or how often is NOBODY else’s business.  
Without a very good reason the wife should not refuse her husband and the husband must not refuse his wife; lest they be tempted astray.
The Pharisee even talks about lubricants.  Since he is tooooooo cheap to buy quality lubricants he recommends baby oil!  Apparently, this moron is not aware that baby oil should NOT be used inside the body.  Never fear though, when they cheap bottle of baby oil is not handy the women is supposed to "simply place some of her saliva on her husband’s organ."  Oh, the fun that could come from this!

Possible problems during the marriage
Sex is intended to be delightful for both spouses, therefore if a wife experiences discomfort or pain she should seek medical advice. 
There are a variety of problems, most of which can be easily corrected if caught early.  The important thing is to catch them as early as possible.  
One such problem could be the common simple yeast infection.  One of the causes of yeast infections is the simple bath.  When we sit in the bath we are siting in water that is becoming dirty as we wash and also filled with soap scum which is alkaline and promotes yeast growth.  It is far better to shower; as in the shower the dirt and soap is washed away and down the drain, and we are not sitting in contaminated water for 15 minutes or more.
Occasionally natural lubrication fails for a time.  In that case there are many sex lubricants out there for a significant price.  The best kept secret among lubricants and by far the cheapest is simple scent free baby oil.  The price is kept very low since it is made for babies, but it is an ideal lubricant for intercourse.  The age old lubrication method is for the lady to simply place some of her saliva on her husband’s organ.
So now that you know how to be frisky in bed, within limits, of course, it is time to learn how to get pregnant. Then once pregnant and ready to deliver you should be standing so the baby can just plop out with gravity.

Child bearing
To maximize the potential for pregnancy the wife should not stand up for at least an hour after intercourse to prevent gravity from working against her.
A wife’s orgasm is not necessary for conception, although it does help measurably.  The contraction of the involved muscles causes the uterus to draw sperm up into itself.
In childbirth, it is very important that a woman not lie down during labor.  She should sit is a reclining position as far as is possible and take frequent periods of standing [supported by others] to allow gravity to aid the process.
It is modern medicine with their beds and stirrups for the convenience of physicians which has caused people to lose sight of the powerful physical agency of  GRAVITY:  Let it work for you and do not try and work against it by lying down through labor and birthing.
It is natural to want to lie down because of discomfort and pain; but sitting in a reclining position will speed the process considerably and will actually help open the birth canal for delivery.
While not all of this is bad advice, it is still NOT the place for some self-serving self-righteous church guru giving such advice. 

The Chief Pharisee also has to speak out about menstruation.  If he had his way women would be banished to menstruation huts like a couple other nutjobs Church of God gurus have proclaimed in the past.  Menstruating women are unclean and defiled before h

Biblical rules regarding sexual conduct 
An unclean person cannot enter into the presence of God [the tabernacle or temple] since uncleanness is an allegory of being defiled by sin.  
From the onset of menstruation the lady must be left alone until sunset, and then for a seven full days until the seventh sunset.  Late on the seventh day the affected person is to wash herself and her bedding and at sunset she shall be clean.  
God tells Ezekiel plainly that sexual intercourse with a menstruous woman is forbidden.
After the baby is delivered, and if it is a male, the scissors are required!  Cut that thing!

The Pharisee writes:
We are commanded to circumcise our sons on the eighth day of their life.  The mother is to be unclean for seven days and the eighth day represents a new beginning.
Circumcision removes a piece of skin covering a most sensitive area and is an allegory of the removal of the sin that separates people from God, making people sensitive to the whole Word of God.
Physical circumcision is an allegory of the spiritual circumcision of the heart which is sincere repentance. 
Circumcision of the flesh is an allegory of circumcision of the heart which is sincere repentance and the application of the sacrifice of Christ; which truly removes the barrier of sin and reconciles the sincerely repentant to God the Father.
After the mother delivers the baby, she must be isolated from other people for 40 days.  She is unclean and must be purified.
After the first seven days of seclusion the mother must remain in seclusion for another 33 days making a total of 40 days in seclusion.  The forty days is the period of purifying before entering the tabernacle, temple or any holy place. 
Such a seclusion is of great benefit to the mother and child; giving them time in a close family home environment to bond and to recover from the birth and develop immunity to disease.  Breast feeding is highly important for this bonding and natural immunization process. 
God forbid if the mother delivered a baby girl! Damnation and tarnation are in store!

If the child is female the mother’s separation is double that of a male child
66 days plus two weeks is 80 days. 
We make these specified sacrificial offerings today by going to God the Father in prayer and asking that the sacrifice of Christ be applied to us and to the child, setting apart the child through our faithfulness and asking for an understanding of these things.
The sin offering for the mother represents the application of Christ’s sacrifice for the repentant obedient woman: And a burnt offering pictures wholehearted faithful service to God the Father and Jesus Christ. 
The woman is commanded to reproduce, and childbearing is a great service to God the Father because a woman gave birth to Messiah the Christ, the Deliverer of humanity. 

So there you have it, the Pharisaical way of having sex. So go get some cheap baby oil and get frisky!











28 comments:

Susan said...

Do these jackasses ever stop trying to control church members? What an absolute pile of horse shit! Its no wonder his wife divorced his sorry ass. Imagine being married to this idiot.

SHT said...

One thing the Church of God fundies have always tried to do is "One solution for all". They eliminate any thought of creativity, any differences from person to person in every area of life. When it comes to THIS area? What "works" and what "doesn't work" is between ONLY the couple, because every person is different. This blanket advice is a recipe for disaster, because what works for one may not work for another and vice versa.

Besides. Who made him a qualified sex therapist? Do I see a Ph.D in his name? Would his ex-wife vouch for his expert skills in the sack? What COG minister even remotely has qualified as a licensed sex therapist? He's getting his nose where it doesn't belong.

Anonymous said...

one can either choose to indulge animal instincts and die like a beast, or submit to the the Holy Spirit and live forever...

carnal mindedness is just that: carnal; it cannot stand the test of time, nor the heat of Gods Wrath...

so enjoy acting luke a dog while you can, but understand that such pursuit leads to your being little more than road kill at the end of the day...

c f ben yochanan

please stop censoring me...

Anonymous said...

Hmm ok...
I agree with him re anal sex as I’m grossed out by the thought of it. At the same time I don’t like oral sex either. I know that STDs and other germs and diseases can spread via both. But, that’s just me. Like the Bible says the stomach is designed for food and food for the stomach so likewise the penis is designed for the vagina and vice versa. The penis isn’t meant to go up the rectum or down the throat. So that’s my take on it.
Re circumcision if it ain’t broke then don’t fix it. Tearing the entire foreskin off the newborn (when it’s meant to gradually come off by itself over time so by the time of puberty it can be fully retracted) is just plain wrong on so many levels! It’s criminal what Big Pharma has got Americans doing to their baby boys all for $$$ and under the myth that it protects from contracting STDs or spreading disease, etc.

Anonymous said...

Interesting that Malm discusses how childbirth makes women "unclean" but he fails to mention that the activity of sex itself makes both the man and woman "unclean" (Leviticus 15:18) according to the Bible. Also, if a man wakes up after having a wet dream (or by extension masturbates) he is "unclean" (Leviticus 15:16-17; Deuteronomy 23:10-11) in that circumstance too. So imagine if we were to follow these rules today! If you were teaching a classroom of teenage boys in an all boy school the teachers would probably find themselves teaching to an empty classroom on more than one occasion! Too funny!


Anonymous said...

"one can either choose to indulge animal instincts and die like a beast, or submit to the the Holy Spirit and live forever...

carnal mindedness is just that: carnal; it cannot stand the test of time, nor the heat of Gods Wrath...

so enjoy acting luke a dog while you can, but understand that such pursuit leads to your being little more than road kill at the end of the day..."

c f ben yochanan

Aside from the either/or approach to life/religion/belief, I bet you are a joy to be around or in a relationship with. Are you the Jewish obsessed counterpart to a Islamic Jihadist?

DennisCDiehl said...

WCG of the past nor the splinters and slivers of the present were never much good at minding their own business when it came to human relationships. The Bible itself, of course, is the rulebook for the Prophets, Priests and Kings to mind it for you. Today's counterparts are the Apostles, Presiding Evangelists, Prophets, Watchers, That Prophets, Elijahs and Zerrubbabels making up the psych ward of delusional religious thinking, formerly known as the Worldwide Church of God.

You can change the name but you can't change the illness.

I'd refer those so inclined to inform the splinter leadership and ministry, when such nonsense arises in them minding your business for you, to your basic member Bill of Rights. Unless of course you also feel you don't have them and now come under the control of others who claim special credentials to override your own common sense and wishes at will in the name of a God that has evidently lost its personal communication skills so depends on middlemen.

https://hwarmstrong.com/blog/2018/05/12/the-church-members-bill-of-rights-basic-rights-any-member-of-a-church-should-expect-to-enjoy/comment-page-1/

Anonymous said...

I'm not entirely sure what this is. But it sure ain't Christianity.

DennisCDiehl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
DennisCDiehl said...

And too, it seems a no brainer to understand that the way a "minister" or religious leader copes with their own sexual frustrations/needs/curiosities/desires/deeply rooted insecurities, and yet keeps ministerial credibility, is to get into the details of religious and church sex. Or at least one way. That way one sounds authoritative with only the best interests of the members in mind on such topics as they imagine their God sees it too and appear above it all with God's balanced views on sexuality for his people, when in fact, they are just lonely, needing affection and horney like everyone else on the planet, from time to time.

Anonymous said...

So many "teachers" (I write the term teacher loosely, very, very loosely as it relates to these idiots) in the cog are so biblically ignorant. Malm claims that "We are commanded to circumcise our sons on the eighth day". Really? Where is that command for us?

I know exactly where the command is for Israel, Lev. 12:3 and that covenant was only to last "til the Seed should come", so just where is that command for us?

No wonder people are so confused!

Anonymous said...

It's hard to believe this nut would even be able to find an audience for this. However, growing up in the WCG, I only know too well that people will allow themselves to not question 'authority', regardless of how wacky it is.

A couple of statements stood out to me:
'a dirty or malodorous body is a big turn off'
- let's hope the prospective bride can find this out before she commits. Maybe sneak in a sniff test.

'The lady should NOT do this herself but give this pleasure to her husband so that he will know without doubt that he is the first and only one.'
- I was surprised that since these instructions were so detailed, there was nothing mentioned about what the groom should do if he finds out he's not the only one. Does he not complete the 'act' or does he complete the 'act' and then rat out his bride to the 'minister'?

This could be funny except there are real consequences for this type of thinking and control. I remember there was a guy in the WCG who was so offended by his penis (apparently it had a mind of its own), that he cut it off. The area got infected and he died. A very sad but true story.

Anonymous said...

apparently Malm hasn't read where circumcision is nothing...if you were called in uncircumcision, don't get circumcised....if you are were called in circumcision, don't get uncircumcised.

that last bit used to confuse me until I learned that removal of the entire foreskin was something the rabbis came up with... it's not how God prescribed circumcision.

Anonymous said...

DennisCDiehl said...

"And too, it seems a no brainer to understand that the way a "minister" or religious leader copes with their own sexual frustrations/needs/curiosities/desires/deeply rooted insecurities, and yet keeps ministerial credibility, is to get into the details of religious and church sex. Or at least one way. That way one sounds authoritative with only the best interests of the members in mind on such topics as they imagine their God sees it too and appear above it all with God's balanced views on sexuality for his people, when in fact, they are just lonely, needing affection and horney [sic] like everyone else on the planet, from time to time."

Another of the best descriptions, esp. combined with an anon comment 9:08 on the MONDAY, JULY 1, 2019 Pack Reminder

"It's a psychopathic trait that they secretly believe that they own other peoples lives."

Perfectly captures authoritarianism. Keep in mind these churches historically ordained only men.
Misogynists, coaching men at every level, as well teaching girls and women internalized misogyny, oh so subtly, and so damaging.

This blog always enlightens.

Byker Bob said...

And, this was on a slow news day. End times anxieties are probably kicking in bigtime amongst the ACOG-prophet set. No doubt they are anxiously hanging on to every little detail to emerge on Angela Merkel’s health, and positioning themselves to maximize and exploit. It’s what they do.

BB

Tonto said...

Next up from Malm... the official "rules" manual on lonely old dudes jacking off while in their small Canadian apartment.

DennisCDiehl said...

Anon 707 said: as does the Bible, ".if you are were called in circumcision, don't get uncircumcised."

You do know that is in all reality, a one way street don't you? "Don't get uncircumcised" would be a challenge.

I Corinthians 7: 17 Nevertheless, each person should live as a believer in whatever situation the Lord has assigned to them, just as God has called them. This is the rule I lay down in all the churches. 18 WAS A MAN ALREADY CIRCUMCISED WHEN HE WAS CALLED? HE SHOULD NOT BECOME UNCIRCUMCISED Was a man uncircumcised when he was called? He should not be circumcised. 19 Circumcision is nothing and uncircumcision is nothing. Keeping God’s commands is what counts. 20 Each person should remain in the situation they were in when God called them."

Paul had his illogically and hysterically funny responses to problems in the church too.

DennisCDiehl said...

I am reminded, however, of the guy who circumcised elephants in the zoo and circus. He complained the pay was small but recognized that the tips were big. :)

Anonymous said...

"Circumcision removes a piece of skin covering a most sensitive area and is an allegory of the removal of the sin that separates people from God, making people sensitive to the whole Word of God."

Holy cow! I never realized that foreskin was that important! I'm glad I'm rid of that sucker!

Anonymous said...

c f Ben Yochanan
Your post about animal instincts reminds me of Leonardo da Vinci commenting that if it wasn't for sexual lust, the human race would die off.

It's common for people to say that humans aren't animals, and the suggestion hurts their pride. But they are wrong. Humans have the same reproductive equipment as animals, and the gestation period is about the same as elephants. Even mentally, humans are part animal. Ever heard of animal spirits? It's what God has created in his wisdom.

Ronco said...

"You do know that is in all reality, a one way street don't you? "Don't get uncircumcised" would be a challenge."

It's been done...

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Foreskin_restoration

Anonymous said...

Ohhh yes, I remember sitting through a good many of these sort of “appropriate sex” sermons growing up in LCG...or more accurately INAPPROPRIATE sex sermons. Nothing triggers my gag reflex quite as quick as some old ass guy excitedly telling you all of the very detailed ways you were NOT supposed to do it. I vividly remember my dad’s jaw clenching with anger as Rod Meredith screamed emotionally to the audience about the sin of...ahem...bestiality; something which a 10 year old me had never even heard of or considered. Then, in case you weren’t familiar with the term, explained what it is! And y’all all thought you didn’t learn anything in church šŸ˜‚
On that day, I learned about bestiality, anal sex and oral sex! Fun times.

Dennis said...

Not in biblical times

Anonymous said...

Dennis said: "Not in biblical times"

Actually that's inaccurate Dennis. The original Biblical rite of circumcision consisted of the ("milah" in contrast to the later "peri'ah"--a procedure that was added to the less intrusive former in the 2nd century AD. The reason for the drastic addition was in response to circumcised Jews pulling the foreskins that remained to appear like the uncircumcised gentiles (see 1 Macc 1:11-15). This is most probably why Paul stated: "Is any man called, being circumcised? let him not procure uncircumcision. Is any man called in uncircumcision? let him not be circumcised" (1 Cor 7:18).

Anonymous said...

"Anon 707 said: as does the Bible, ".if you are were called in circumcision, don't get uncircumcised."

You do know that is in all reality, a one way street don't you? "Don't get uncircumcised" would be a challenge. "



actually, at the time the young jewish men would stretch their foreskins to cover the glans, and put a clip on it.....over time the skin would stretch out to the new length and the clip would no longer be needed to keep the glans covered.
they could then pass for Greek and be able to make business deals and whatever, since they appeared to not be circumcised (yes the jews were discriminated against back then too)

this upset the rabbis since circumcision was extremely important...so, to stop the practice of "uncircumcising themselves" they started removing the entire foreskin, something God never said to do.


the point Paul was trying to make is that physical circumcision is meaningless, spiritual circumcision, the circumcision of the heart, is what matters.

apparently Mr. Malm missed that in his studies.

if someone wants to be circumcised today I suggest that they only remove 1/4 to 1/3 of the foreskin as God intended, not the entire thing as the rabbis teach.

I think that if it were done properly the whole circumcision argument would be a non issue today.

Anonymous said...

Romance truly dead and buried with Malm.
True love never exists with these dictators. It's all business style marriages designed to claw their way up the hierarchy chain.

the Ocelot said...

Who needs Dr.Ruth when you got ACOG ministers?

Byker Bob said...

Enquiring minds are always going to be wondering (fantasizing?) ACOG ministers always seem to be pouring gasoline on the fire, escalating it all.

It's funny. I remember sitting with a bunch of my 7th grade classmates at a table in the school library. Two of them were holding court on sex.

"Where do you think our parents do it?"

"They probably do it in bed!"

"No, man. It'd get all over the place and make a mess! They must do it on the toilet!"

"Come on! Can you imagine how awkward that would be? They do it in bed, and they use a rubber! Nice, neat, clean. No mess!"

"Oh, man. I'm going to have to read up on reproduction. Where do you think the books for that are?"

"Heh heh! Why don't you ask the librarian?"

"Man, are you kidding? You're the brave one, you ask her!"

I was a listener to this, not a participant. But I too had this deep inner compulsion to know, so I decided I was going to be brave. When I got home, as soon as I walked in the door, I went to my mom and asked her point blank, "Mother, what does "fuck" mean?" She was shocked at the language, but did explain it to me. Nowadays, kids probably just go online.

BB