Infallible Bwana Bob Lustfully Crying Over Valentines Day, Again....Demons! Demons Everywhere!

Does anything ever pierce the perpetual gloom of the soul of the Great Infallible Bob? While the rest of us pathetic mortals are out there having a nice meal with someone we love and maybe—gasp—exchanging sweet little cards on Valentine's Day, our irrepressible, utterly infallible Great Bwana is gleefully taking his annual ceremonial dump all over the holiday. Heaven forbid you accidentally bought your spouse a card and some flowers. Because if you did, congratulations: you're now officially cavorting with demons that apparently live inside Valentine's Day cards and bouquets. Truly terrifying stuff.

And let's not forget the pièce de résistance of their airtight theological case: Valentine's Day is nothing but a sneaky revival of the ancient Roman festival of Lupercalia—that wild, sensuous pagan fertility rite held on February 15 (or so they insist, conveniently ignoring that the dates don't quite line up and the rituals involved goat sacrifices, blood-smearing, and men whipping women for fertility blessings, not exactly Hallmark-card material). In classic Armstrongism fashion, they trot out this "pagan origins" smear—straight from old Worldwide Church of God articles quoting outdated encyclopedia entries—to declare the whole thing idolatrous and demon-infested. Never mind that modern historians largely debunk the direct Lupercalia-to-Valentine's link as a romantic 18th–19th century invention with little real evidence beyond the calendar proximity; the connection is tenuous at best, more myth than history.

Bob Thiel, ever the faithful echo of Herbert W. Armstrong's playbook, keeps recycling the same tired trope on his COGwriter site and in his publications: Valentine's Day = Lupercalia = pagan = bad, end of story. He waves around the same selective quotes about "sexual license" and "name-drawing" lotteries to prove it's all a Catholic plot to sneak heathenism into Christianity. Because nothing says "true biblical Christianity" like cherry-picking ancient Roman festivals to demonize greeting cards and chocolate while conveniently overlooking how similar logic could trash weddings, wedding rings, neckties, or pretty much any cultural practice that isn't explicitly commanded in Leviticus.

Remember, brethren, in the exalted theology of Armstrongism, Satan is the strongest, most unstoppable force in existence—so powerful that even God Himself cowers in the third heaven. No wonder Jesus is taking forever to return; clearly, the adversary has Him on lockdown. 

Over a decade ago, a reader sent the following, which is such a classic, I would like to post it again:

February 10, 2014

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 1/2 years, living together for two. He says Valentine’s Day is a made-up holiday to get people to spend money. I told him every holiday is geared toward people spending money. I find myself feeling angry and hurt that I’m not receiving anything for Valentine’s Day. He never buys cards or flowers for me. How do I communicate to him that this is important to me without making things worse? — CRAVING A LITTLE ROMANCE

DEAR CRAVING: Your boyfriend may be cheap, but he also has a point. According to a report on npr.org, the celebration of Valentine’s Day started in ancient Rome and contains elements of both Christian and pre-Christian religions. In the third century A.D., two men named Valentine were executed by the emperor Claudius II in different years on Feb. 14, and a few hundred years later, a pope (Gelasius I) combined St. Valentine’s Day with Lupercalia — a fertility feast — to replace the pagan ritual. (Research this online if you wish, because I found it fascinating.) The holiday didn’t become romanticized until the Renaissance.

That said, allow me to point out that there are few things more unpleasant than feeling forced to give someone a gift.

‘Abby’ had several helpful points that all should consider. The woman that wrote her the question, should also consider the following scripture:

15 Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. 16 For all that is in the world the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life is not of the Father but is of the world. 17 And the world is passing away, and the lust of it; but he who does the will of God abides forever. (1 John 2:15-17)

Her lust for the things of the world is not Christian.

Valentine’s Day has pagan origins with direct ties to idolatry. All who profess Christ should consider what the Bible teaches about such practices:

29 When the LORD your God cuts off from before you the nations which you go to dispossess, and you displace them and dwell in their land, 30 take heed to yourself that you are not ensnared to follow them, after they are destroyed from before you, and that you do not inquire after their gods, saying, ‘How did these nations serve their gods? I also will do likewise.’ 31 “You shall not worship the LORD your God in that way; for every abomination to the LORD which He hates they have done to their gods; for they burn even their sons and daughters in the fire to their gods. 32 Whatever I command you, be careful to observe it; you shall not add to it nor take away from it (Deuteronomy 12:29-32, NKJV).

2 Thus saith the LORD, Learn not the way of the heathen, and be not dismayed at the signs of heaven; for the heathen are dismayed at them. 3 For the customs of the people are vain: for one cutteth a tree out of the forest, the work of the hands of the workman, with the axe (Jeremiah 10:2-3, KJV).

Notice also want the New Testament teaches:

…abstain from things offered to idols (Acts 15:29, NKJV).

14 Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? 15 And what accord has Christ with Belial? Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever? 16 And what agreement has the temple of God with idols? For you are the temple of the living God. (2 Corinthians 6:14-16)

19 What am I saying then? That an idol is anything, or what is offered to idols is anything? 20 Rather, that the things which the Gentiles sacrifice they sacrifice to demons and not to God, and I do not want you to have fellowship with demons. (1 Corinthians 10:19-20)

But because most who profess Christianity do not heed these warnings, they are disobeying God’s instructions. 

While normal people are just trying to enjoy a box of chocolates and not get demon-possessed by a $4.99 greeting card and a $150.00 steak dinner, the Great Bwana and his Armstrongist heirs are out here bravely fighting the good fight against the invisible Lupercalia demons hiding in pink hearts and roses. Because apparently the real spiritual warfare isn’t against sin, death, or Satan’s actual works—it’s against February 14th stationery and overpriced long-stemmed flowers.

Truly, the most powerful force in the universe isn’t love.

It’s the annual Valentine’s rant that keeps Jesus stuck in traffic somewhere outside the third heaven.