On August 6, 2026, Crackpot Bob of the improperly named "continuing" Church of God—that tiny, self-anointed remnant from the rebellious Armstrongist universe—published yet another article marking the 81st anniversary of the atomic bombing of Hiroshima. One might expect a moment of sober historical reflection. Instead, we get the theological equivalent of a man jumping up and down on a street corner waving a “The End Is Nigh” sandwich board while secretly hoping the end hurries up so he can stop looking like a complete fraud.
Crackpot Bob does not merely note the tragedy. He practically salivates over the possibility that the same kind of devastation is finally, finally coming for the United States, Britain, and Canada. Why? Because according to the sacred cow of Armstrongism—British Israelism—those nations are the modern “lost tribes” of Israel (Ephraim and Manasseh, naturally), and therefore every Old Testament curse of desolation, captivity, and city-wasting must apply to them. Nuclear weapons are just the convenient modern delivery system for the prophecy that has been stubbornly refusing to show up for decades.
The argument is pure recycled Armstrongism. Leviticus 26:33 about cities becoming waste “wasn’t fully fulfilled anciently,” so it must be waiting for thermonuclear fireballs over London, New York, and Toronto. Herbert W. Armstrong’s 1948 and 1979 predictions of European “Beast” forces vaporizing Anglo cities overnight are lovingly quoted as if they hadn’t already expired more thoroughly than milk left in the sun for eighty years. Thiel even throws in Isaiah’s “land is burned up” language and Daniel 11:39, then plugs his own videos about German bombers and the “conquering” of the Five Eyes nations. The only thing missing is a pop-up ad for “Buy My Book Before the Fallout Hits.”
This entire performance rests on British Israelism—the thoroughly debunked doctrine that the British and Americans are the literal descendants of the ten “lost” tribes of Israel. Armstrong called it the “master key.” In reality it is the master excuse: a 19th-century piece of imperial fan-fiction that lets you take every curse aimed at ancient Israel and aim it like a heat-seeking missile at the English-speaking West. No evidence required. Genetics? Indo-European languages? Continuous European archaeological records? The fact that the tribes weren’t even fully “lost” in the Bible itself? All irrelevant when you have a good story and a desperate need to feel special. Without this teaching in the church it would have no reason to exist. None at all!
Armstrong predicted the nuclear fireworks for the 1930s, the 1940s, 1972, 1975… and then just kept moving the goalposts while the cities stubbornly refused to glow in the dark. After his death the main church finally admitted the whole prophetic house of cards had collapsed under the weight of more than a hundred failed predictions. But the splinter groups, bless their little residual hearts, simply declared themselves the true remnant and kept the same broken record spinning.
Enter Crackpot Bob, who left the Living Church of God in a fit of rebellion and malice, declaring himself the recipient of a “double portion” of the Spirit (via a conveniently worded prayer that no one witnessed), started collecting dreams like trading cards, and now runs the improperly named "continuing" Church of God as the sole group that supposedly understands just how thoroughly America and Britain are about to get glassed. There are long lists of his own missed or massively stretched predictions. Thiel’s defense is the classic prophetic soft-shoe: “I never actually set a date,” “partial fulfillments,” and “I correctly said the tribulation wouldn’t start in those years.” Impressive. Most of us can also correctly predict that the sun will rise tomorrow.
Why keep doing this? Because the destruction of the United States, England, and Canada is not just a prediction—it is a requirement. If the Anglo-nations are not obliterated on schedule, the entire British-Israel identity scheme, the exclusive Philadelphian remnant claim, and Thiel’s own prophetic résumé collapse into the same radioactive dust he keeps promising everyone else. So every August 6 he dusts off Hiroshima, reminds the faithful that the real fireworks are still coming, and hopes no one notices that the fuse has been lit for the better part of a century without ever reaching the powder.
His article is not analysis. It is liturgical fear-mongering: a yearly ritual in which the prophet gets to feel important by contemplating the fiery end of nations that have the temerity to keep existing. Hiroshima becomes not a warning about the horror of nuclear war, but a teaser trailer for the bigger, better, God-approved version that will finally prove Crackpot Bob right.
Eighty-one years after the first bomb fell, the cities still stand. The “lost tribes” remain as lost as ever—because they were never lost in the first place. And Crackpot Bob is still in his study, gesturing earnestly at the camera, waiting for the mushroom clouds that will validate a lifetime of prophetic over-promising. One can only assume the disappointment is becoming radioactive by now.
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