Send Your Tithes or Get Bundled: The Gospel According to Samuel Kitchen

Did you know that you are all nothing but tares that have been bound together and are ready to be burned? Ready to be fried to a crisp! All because you have joined one of the hundreds of splinter groups and are sending your tithes to them! How dare you! This is Samuel’s money.

Samuel has learned well from reading How to Start Your Own Church of God for Dummies. It was a bestseller for a while in the 1990s and has been well used by a myriad of current splinter leaders. Samuel has taken this to a new level—one that current splinter leaders thought they were achieving but have been failing at miserably. For some stupid reason, all of the splinter groups imagine themselves as the one true Philadelphian-era Church of God, when in fact they are nothing but tares! Tares, I tell you! Tares!

The only real Church of God group out there is the one that stole the name Worldwide Church of God and all of its literature and telecasts. All other WCG- and COG-related groups are nothing but cheap street-corner whores out seducing people into joining their groups. They are tares that have been bound together and are waiting for Christ to return and cast them all into the Lake of Fire. Burn, baby, burn!

Like all good graduates of the Church of God Splinter Leader for Dummies school, Samuel has set himself up as the only place tithe money should be sent. And if you do not send your tithes to him, then you are a tare, ready for Christ to return with His heavenly match to set your sorry ass on fire.

Armstrongism has not matured into fine wine but into slop that is not even worthy of the swine.

Now feast your eyes on the pure, uncut gospel according to Samuel himself—the latest self-anointed heir to the Armstrong franchise, who has elevated the classic “send it all to me” scam to Olympic levels of shamelessness:

Now since these original apostle died and fulfilled their jobs in Christ, then over a thousand years ago, Jesus had need to bring forth and send out another man in the 20th century, carefully preparing him and giving to him THE ENTIRE BIBLE AS WE KNOW IT. The Holy Bible is complete for this time, and it was given to Herbert W Armstrong to preach the true Jesus Christ and His Gospel.

So as he preached the Word of God, planting seeds in the field under the direction of Jesus Christ, congregations of the Church grew all around the world, first beginning on radio...then WORLDWIDE. The Worldwide Church of God could have never been possible if the gospel message was not first preached by Herbert W Armstrong all around the world as a witness to all nations. 

We therefore are the SEAL OF APOSTLESHIP for Herbert W Armstrong. We are the evidence Jesus Christ sent him forth with the gospel of the Kingdom of God! 

Now back to the parable of Jesus Christ. As the Church became READY FOR HARVEST, there were found people attending among the people of God, who had crept in unwares,(Jude 1:4) from Satan, infiltrated the Worldwide Church of God, and were not the real membership at all! 

They had come into the Worldwide Church of God, to take it over, and to govern the Worldwide Church of God at the highest levels!

Judas came among the disciples did he not? Eventually he was used to come with SOLDIERS to take the physical body of Jesus Christ, so he may be killed. Judas, was the treasurer of the work of Christ. He had the money bag. So he had a lofty position in the work of Christ. 

 

And while INSIDE that fellowship he went and JOINED with others seeking the demise of the Body of Christ. 

And there came a time where he stood with the enemies of Christ, not with Jesus and his other disciples.

After Mr. Armstrong died, what was taken but that which was materialistic, and physical? It was taken by a psuedo-membership and psuedo-ministry.

TARES. And they became BUNDLED TOGETHER.

Herbert W Armstrong said this on the World Tomorrow RADIO BROADCAST, called The Parable of the Tares" : 

"Now, this is in the Kingdom, the Kingdom age. Whenever the Kingdom age is they are both to grow together in and during the Kingdom age until the harvest. When is the harvest, my friends? Is the harvest the present time? Is the harvest the Second Coming of Christ? I want you to notice. "Let both grow together until the harvest: and in the time of the harvest I will say to the reapers, Gather up first the tares, and bind them in bundles to burn them..." And notice they're gathered in bundles. Have you noticed how people are being gathered into bundles? Have you ever noticed that it is human nature that people want to belong? They just want to belong to something. They want to belong to a club. They want to belong to a lodge. They want to belong to some society. They want to belong to something they can join and feel that they belong—that's psychology. And do you know that the psychologists are teaching that today? Do you know that in nearly every college and university in our schools of higher learning where they are training the future leaders of this nation? The future leaders for the churches and church pulpits, the future leaders for business and commerce, the future leaders of our government and our statesmen are being taught and trained in these colleges and universities and they have a psychological idea—they feel there that, well, it's human nature, everybody wants to belong and so they say, "Let's encourage it. Let's have every kind of group and fraternity and society we can and let them bind themselves up in bundles." I wonder if you ever notice the significance of that and what is taking place today. "Let them grow together until the harvest..." Now, when is that harvest? Is that speaking of our age now or the age to come? Well, we're doing that thing now but specifically what was Jesus referring to? At the time of the harvest, whenever that is, He says, "I will say to the reapers, Gather up first the tares, and bind them in bundles to burn them..." These bundles of human beings gathered together are being bound up in these bundles to be burned. I think, my friends, that's something worth looking into. I think that's something you might investigate and begin to think a little bit about. "But," He said, "gather the wheat into my barn." They weren't bundled at all. They come into the barn, in other words, that is the Kingdom of God and that is the place where you want to go, the wheat, that's what He's saving. But the tares, He's not going to save, He's going to burn. Now, the wheat is going to be saved, in other words, Salvation and eternal life is what it portrays there."[Herbert W Armstrong]

WE KNOW that those INSIDE the true Church of God in the period of time called the PHILADELPHIA ERA, will be spared and saved alive in a place of safety, while the Great Tribulation is waging in all the world! Why is it the Philadelphia Era? It is because THIS ONE TRUE CHURCH, which was raised up through an apostle named Herbert W Armstrong, is faithfully doing the work, and is simply remaining in patience AS A WITNESS unto all the nations!

See Revelation 3:10; Revelation 12:13-17. Matthew 24:14

They are NOT being bundled, you see? We remain as the Worldwide Church of God, serving as a WITNESS in all the nations.

When you look online what do you see? You see the Work of God that was done through the Worldwide Church of God DOMINATING and still persisting even after 40 years in the wilderness! 

What else do you see? You see the unrepentant, the rebellious, the murmerer, and complainer, BUNDLING TOGETHER INTO DIFFERENT GROUPS! They will go through the Great Tribulation! And if they won't repent THERE, God will have to place the Day of the Lord on them, and if they still won't repent He is going to throw them into the Lake of Fire!

Every group is wanting to look enough like the Worldwide Church of God to fool everyone, but not enough to actually BE THE WORLDWIDE CHURCH OF GOD. They have taken so much of what they learned from God's true Church, and they try to recreate it but to no avail!

They are just mere counterfeits, who oppose Jesus Christ!

Websites and groups, who are taking the property of the Worldwide Church of God, all oppose the Worldwide Church of God. They merely use the publications and productions of the true Church of God, to fill in and HAVE THE APPEARANCES of a similar work. But they are working to lead people away from full obedience, and full adhearance to what we were taught from Christ through His apostle!

Notice the WHEAT COME INTO THE BARN. That is the storehouse of the Wheat!

Notice Malachi 3:7-11, "Even from the days of your fathers ye are gone away from mine ordinances, and have not kept them. Return unto me, and I will return unto you, saith the Lord of hosts. But ye said, Wherein shall we return?

Will a man rob God? Yet ye have robbed me. But ye say, Wherein have we robbed thee? In tithes and offerings.

Ye are cursed with a curse: for ye have robbed me, even this whole nation.

Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be meat in mine house, and prove me now herewith, saith the Lord of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it.

And I will rebuke the devourer for your sakes, and he shall not destroy the fruits of your ground; neither shall your vine cast her fruit before the time in the field, saith the Lord of hosts.

Wherein shall we return? Haggai 1:4-5 "Is it time for you, O ye, to dwell in your cieled houses, and this house lie waste? Now therefore thus saith the Lord of hosts; Consider your ways.

Now, brethren THOSE INSIDE the TRUE Church of God will go into a place of safety, protected from Satan the Great Destroyer and DEVOURER! 

What is the deciding factor? BRING YOU ALL THE TITHES INTO THE STOREHOUSE. Where is the barn? WHERE THOSE OF THE WORLDWIDE CHURCH OF GOD ARE GATHERED TODAY.

The purpose for this work, is to restore the Worldwide Church of God, and to STAND AS A PHILADELPHIA WITNESS. 

If you examine every group, every website, you find they are going to ANOTHER CHURCH OR GROUP. It is not the Worldwide Church of God!

There it is, folks—the full, glorious, completely unhinged package. Herbert Armstrong was the final apostle (never mind that the original ones somehow finished their jobs a thousand-plus years early so Jesus could wait until the radio age). The “true” Worldwide Church of God is whatever Samuel says it is this week. Every other group is a satanic tare-bundle headed straight for the cosmic deep fryer. And the only way to prove you’re wheat instead of combustible weed? Mail those tithes, offerings, and anything else that isn’t nailed down straight into Samuel’s personal storehouse/barn/Swiss account.

It’s classic Armstrongism, all right—every splinter has always claimed to be the sole Philadelphian remnant while branding the rest as Laodicean losers destined for the Tribulation. But Samuel has refined the formula into something almost pure: the name itself is the magic talisman, the literature is holy relic, and any dollar that doesn’t land in his pocket is proof positive that you are a tare already tied up and ready for the match. No need for actual growth, no need for a functioning congregation, no need for anything except the perpetual declaration that everyone else is fake and the check should be made out to him.

Armstrongism didn’t evolve. It just found a new depth of depravity, and Samuel is happily diving headfirst into the sludge while waving Malachi 3 like a divine invoice. Burn, baby, burn—just make sure the tithe envelope is postmarked first.