Easter’s Pagan Roots? Debunking the Cult’s Favorite Lie

 

The Cult’s Pagan Obsession: A Smokescreen for Control

Armstrongism loves a good pagan conspiracy. The WCG built its brand on sniffing out "satanic" influences in everything—Christmas, birthdays, Sunday worship, and especially Easter. To the cult, Easter isn’t a celebration of Christ’s resurrection; it’s a Babylonian fertility rite, a pagan abomination straight from the goddess Ishtar, complete with bunnies and eggs to prove it. Herbert Armstrong hammered this into his flock, claiming mainstream Christianity was a satanic counterfeit, while only his “true church” kept God’s pure festivals like Passover. It’s a claim that’s kept splinters like Pack’s RCG and Brisby’s COGTE clutching their pearls to this day, warning members to shun Easter or risk God’s wrath.

But let’s call this what it is: a lie, a flimsy tale spun from bad logic to keep the cult’s followers in line. The Ishtar myth doesn’t hold up—it’s a house of cards built on sand, and we’re here to knock it down. It is easy to trace the Easter-Ishtar claim to its shaky roots and expose its flaws. We’ll offer a biblical alternative origin story in Esther. But here’s the plain truth: Easter—called Pascha by the early Christian Church—is about Christ’s triumph over death, not some ancient fertility goddess. Along the way, we’ll show how the WCG’s pagan paranoia was just a control tactic, a distraction to keep members from seeing the cult’s own rot. Buckle up, Splinterland—this one’s gonna sting.

The Ishtar Myth: A Cult Classic Built on Nothing

The idea that Easter comes from Ishtar, a Babylonian fertility goddess, isn’t some ancient truth—it’s a modern fiction, cooked up in 1853 by a Presbyterian minister named Alexander Hislop in his book The Two Babylons. Hislop wanted to dunk on Roman Catholicism, so he claimed Easter was a pagan corruption, linking “Easter” to “Ishtar” through a flimsy phonetic similarity and springtime symbols like eggs and rabbits. Sound familiar? It’s the same playbook the WCG used to demonize anything that didn’t fit its rules. The cult ate Hislop’s theory up, waving it like a gotcha to prove mainstream Christianity was satanic, all while demanding members stick to their “pure” Passover.

Let’s tear this apart. Linguistically, Hislop’s claim is garbage. “Ishtar” and “Easter” share a vague sound—big whoop. There’s no etymological bridge; he made it up. Culturally, it’s laughable. Ishtar’s Akkadian religion, with its temples and rituals, was dust by 100 AD, centuries before Christianity spread. Its records—cuneiform tablets—were buried, unreadable until the 1800s. So how exactly did early Christians, with no access to these tablets, adopt a dead culture’s customs from 1,500 years prior? They didn’t. The WCG loved to scream about paganism, but this is just bad logic—a False Cause Fallacy, assuming resemblance means origin. It’s the kind of sloppy thinking the cult thrived on, keeping members scared and obedient with tales of satanic holidays.

Hislop pointed to eggs and rabbits as proof of Ishtar’s fertility influence, but those came later, as Christianity reshaped local traditions—not the other way around. Easter’s date isn’t tied to some Babylonian festival; it’s pegged to Passover (Nisan 14-15), when Christ died and rose. The Ishtar myth is a cult classic, but it’s fiction—a house on sand that crumbles faster than the WCG’s failed prophecies.

A Biblical Twist: Esther, Not Ishtar

If Easter isn’t from Ishtar, could it connect to Esther instead? This novel idea, offers a far better link, rooted in Scripture, not Akkadian fairy tales. Esther’s story—deliverance and redemption—lines up with Easter’s core, and the timing makes it intriguing.

Check the calendar. Esther’s victory, celebrated as Purim on the 14th or 15th of Adar II, often falls near spring, just like Easter, which is tied to Passover (Nisan 14-15). Both are lunar-based, set by a full moon. In 2008, Purim (March 20) and Easter (March 22) were two days apart; in 2024, Purim (March 23) and Easter (March 31) were a week apart—close enough to see a pattern. Esther fasted three days to save her people (Esther 4:16); Jesus was in the tomb three days to save ours. Haman’s evil plot failed (Esther 7:10); death got crushed at the resurrection. Mordecai’s rise (Esther 8:15) mirrors Christ’s glory.

Why Esther over Ishtar? Simple: access. Esther’s story was in the Bible, read yearly at Purim by Jews—including early Jewish Christians who shaped the Church. Ishtar’s cult was long gone by the first century, its records lost to time, while Esther’s tale was alive and sacred. The name “Easter” might even nod to this—“Esther” (Hebrew Estēr, possibly “star”) could have shifted to “Easter,” a star of redemption rising. It’s a theory, but it beats the WCG’s Ishtar nonsense by a mile, grounding Easter in biblical truth, not cult paranoia.

The Real Deal: Easter’s True Roots

So what’s Easter actually about? In the early Church, it was called Pascha, from the Hebrew Pesach (“pass over”), and it’s always been about Christ’s resurrection—the bedrock of the faith. . Jesus died and rose during Passover and early Christians celebrated this as Pascha, set by the Council of Nicaea in 325 AD as the first Sunday after the spring full moon.

The English term “Easter” is a Western quirk. The Eastern Orthodox Church—Greek, Slavic, Arabic—never used “Easter”; it’s always been Pascha, keeping the direct link to Passover. In the West, “Easter” came from Old English ēastre, possibly tied to ēast (“east”) or a Germanic spring figure, Ēostre, mentioned by Bede around 730 AD. Scholars aren’t even sure Ēostre was real—Bede’s the only source—but even if she existed, she was a minor figure, not some Ishtar knockoff. As Christianity spread to Germanic tribes, “Easter” named the Paschal season, transforming local terms, not adopting pagan rites. The Eastern Church’s use of Pascha proves its purity, untouched by the WCG’s pagan conspiracy theories.

Early Christians like Polycarp in 150 AD celebrated Pascha, rooted in apostolic tradition, not Babylonian nonsense. The WCG’s Ishtar claim is just another lie to control members, making them fear the “world” while ignoring the cult’s own sins—like fleecing members for millions while its leader lived like a king.

Pascha’s Truth: Christ’s Victory, Not Paganism

In its purest form, Pascha—Easter to the West—is the heart of Christianity: Christ’s resurrection, no pagan shadow in sight. The Bible lays it out: “The third day he rose again”, fulfilling “He will swallow up death in victory”. It’s redemption’s core: Jesus, the Lamb, frees us from sin, just as Israel escaped Egypt. The WCG wanted you to think it’s all bunny-worshipping paganism, but that’s a distraction—they were too busy building their own empire to care about truth. Pascha isn’t just a day; it’s a way of life. The WCG never got this; they were too busy banning Easter to see Christ’s victory staring them in the face.

Splinterland, Wake Up: Easter Isn’t Your Enemy

Easter isn’t pagan—the Ishtar myth, born in The Two Babylons, is a cult favorite, but it’s trash. Akkadian rites were long gone, their records buried. The truth is Pascha: Christ’s resurrection, tied to Passover, not fertility goddesses. The WCG’s pagan obsession was a control tactic, a way to keep you scared of the “world” while they fleeced you for triple tithes. Splinterland, it’s time to ditch the lies.

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Easter’s Pagan Roots? © 2025 by AiCOG is licensed under CC BY-ND 4.0

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::Armstrongism investigated:: takes a Deep Dive into the cultic murky world of the Worldwide Church of God and its offshoots. If you love investigating cults stick around and prepare to dive deep!

Cult Vault Podcast: Worldwide The Unchosen Church

 

In this episode, I chat with Barbara about her experiences growing up in Herbert W Armstrong's Worldwide Church of God. We discuss the difficulties in committing to the church as well as supporting family outside of the movement. We discuss the topic of cult-hopping and the tragedy of spiritual, financial and physical abuse along with ex-communication and family alienation. The choices Barbara and her family had to make throughout her experiences were impossible.Worldwide: The Unchosen Church - 

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Who is David C. Pack?

 

Who is David C. Pack?

Who is David C. Pack, Pastor General of The Restored Church of God?

2 Peter 1:20 – Knowing this first, that no prophecy of the scripture is of any private interpretation.

Matthew 24:48 – But and if that evil servant shall say in his heart, My lord delays his coming.

Luke 21:8 – And He said, Take heed that you be not deceived: for many shall come in My name, saying, I am Christ; and the time draws near: go you not therefore after them.

2 Peter 2:3 – And through covetousness shall they with feigned words make merchandise of you.

Zechariah 11:5 – Whose possessors slay them, and hold themselves not guilty: and they that sell them say, Blessed be the LORD; for I am rich: and their own shepherds pity them not.

Ezekiel 34:3 – You eat the fat, and you clothe you with the wool, you kill them that are fed: but you feed not the flock.

Revelation 3:17 – Because you say, I am rich, and increased with goods, and have need of nothing; and know not that you are wretched, and miserable, and poor, and blind, and naked.

Acts 20:30 – Also of your own selves shall men arise, speaking perverse things, to draw away disciples after them.

Matthew 7:15 – Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.

Jeremiah 14:14 – Then the LORD said unto me, The prophets prophesy lies in my name: I sent them not, neither have I commanded them, neither spoke unto them: they prophesy unto you a false vision and divination, and a thing of nought, and the deceit of their heart.

Deuteronomy 18:20-22 – But the prophet, which shall presume to speak a word in my name, which I have not commanded him to speak, or that shall speak in the name of other gods, even that prophet shall die. And if you say in your heart, How shall we know the word which the LORD has not spoken? When a prophet speaks in the name of the LORD, if the thing follow not, nor come to pass, that is the thing which the LORD has not spoken, but the prophet has spoken it presumptuously: you shalt not be afraid of him.

1 John 4:1 – Beloved, believe not every spirit, but try the spirits whether they are of God: because many false prophets are gone out into the world.

2 Peter 2:1 – But there were false prophets also among the people, even as there shall be false teachers among you, who privily shall bring in damnable heresies, even denying the Lord that bought them, and bring upon themselves swift destruction.

2 Corinthians 11:13-15 – For such are false apostles, deceitful workers, transforming themselves into the apostles of Christ. And no marvel; for Satan himself is transformed into an angel of light. Therefore it is no great thing if his ministers also be transformed as the ministers of righteousness; whose end shall be according to their works.

Zechariah 11:16 – For, lo, I will raise up a shepherd in the land, which shall not visit those that be cut off, neither shall seek the young one, nor heal that that is broken, nor feed that that stands still: but he shall eat the flesh of the fat, and tear their claws in pieces.

2 Peter 3:16 – As also in all his epistles, speaking in them of these things; in which are some things hard to be understood, which they that are unlearned and unstable wrest, as they do also the other scriptures, unto their own destruction.

Ephesians 4:14 – That we henceforth be no more children, tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, and cunning craftiness, whereby they lie in wait to deceive.

Matthew 16:4 – A wicked and adulterous generation seeks after a sign.

Psalm 31:18 – Let the lying lips be put to silence; which speak grievous things proudly and contemptuously against the righteous.

Psalm 10:7 – His mouth is full of cursing and deceit and fraud: under his tongue is mischief and vanity.

1 Kings 20:11 – And the king of Israel answered and said, Tell him, Let not him that girds on his harness boast himself as he that puts it off.

Isaiah 59:3 – For your hands are defiled with blood, and your fingers with iniquity; your lips have spoken lies, your tongue has muttered perverseness.

James 3:11-12 – Does a fountain send forth at the same place sweet water and bitter? Can the fig tree, my brethren, bear olive berries? Either a vine, figs? So can no fountain both yield salt water and fresh.

Isaiah 37:23 – Whom have you reproached and blasphemed? And against whom hast you exalted your voice, and lifted up your eyes on high? even against the Holy One of Israel.

Amos 8:12 – And they shall wander from sea to sea, and from the north even to the east, they shall run to and fro to seek the word of the LORD, and shall not find it.

2 Corinthians 11:4 – For if he that comes preaching another Jesus, whom we have not preached, or if you receive another spirit, which you have not received, or another gospel, which you have not accepted, you might well bear with him.

Matthew 12:31 – Wherefore I say unto you, All manner of sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven unto men: but the blasphemy against the Holy Spirit shall not be forgiven unto men.

Revelation 22:18-19 – For I testify unto every man that hears the words of the prophecy of this book, If any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto him the plagues that are written in this book: And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city, and from the things which are written in this book.

Exodus 20:7 – You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain; for the LORD will not hold him guiltless that takes His name in vain.

1 Corinthians 14:8 – For if the trumpet give an uncertain sound, who shall prepare himself to the battle?

James 1:8 – A double minded man is unstable in all his ways.

2 Timothy 3:7 – Ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth.

Now you know David C. Pack.

Marc Cebrian

See: Who Is David C. Pack?

Good Friday: And the dead walked out of their graves

On Good Friday, you know Jesus died.

That the sun went dark. The curtain tore.

--And the dead walked out of their graves---

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Most Christians skip that part.

But the Gospel of Matthew doesn’t

“Jesus cried out again with a loud voice and gave up his spirit. At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook. The rocks split. Tombs broke open.” —Matthew 27:50–52 Not metaphor. Not parable.

“The bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life. They came out of the tombs after Jesus’ resurrection 

and went into the holy city and appeared to many people.” —Matthew 27:53 The Gospel says this happened. No explanation. No follow-up. Just: the dead walked.

We don’t know their names or what they looked like. 

We don’t know who saw them—only that “many” did. 

Imagine: you buried your grandfather years ago. 

You see him walking through the city gate. 

Would you be terrified or happy?

This moment appears nowhere else in Scripture. Only Matthew records it. Theologians debate why. Is it a foretaste of the general resurrection? A symbol of victory over death? Or did something crack open that day which couldn’t be undone?

The Gospels don’t shy away from the strangeness of Good Friday. -Darkness at noon. -The veil in the Temple torn top to bottom. -An earthquake. And then this— Holy dead walking into the city like silent witnesses.

Early Christians believed this happened. The dead walked. Not as zombies, not as spirits—but as a sign. A moment when the old world was undone. A hinge in history when death itself faltered.

St. John Chrysostom believed the dead who rose were prophets and martyrs. Others say it was “holy ones” known to the people of Jerusalem. Not generic souls. People with names.

And what did they say?

Did they speak? Did they vanish again? Matthew doesn’t tell us. He leaves it hanging with this mystery in the middle of salvation. Was it terror or joy the living experienced at the sight?

This moment is not the Resurrection. It’s not Pentecost. It’s not joy yet. It’s grief and rupture and shaking earth. A world destabilized. As if creation itself could not bear what had happened on Golgotha.

For early Christians, this wasn’t just a sign. It was a warning. That Christ’s death didn’t just forgive sin—it judged the world. It split history in two. The end had begun. And the dead knew it.

We like to rush from Cross to Resurrection. But there is a deep, dark pause between them. On that Friday, it was not only the Savior who died. The world that had *been died with Him. And the dead rose to prove it.

The grave loses its grip not when Jesus rises— but the moment He dies. That’s the terror of Good Friday. And its hope. Even in death, Christ is Lord.

. Sources: -Gospel of Matthew 27:50–53 -Early Christian interpretations (e.g. Chrysostom homilies) -NT Wright on resurrection theology -Catechism of the Catholic Church (638–640) -Various commentaries on the passion narrative What do you make of the graves breaking open?

From X

AiCOG:Comparing Cults: Armstrongism vs. Adventism Spiritual Cousins or Doctrinal Doppelgängers?

Armstrongism and Adventism—two groups that claim to have restored the “true faith while branding traditional Christianity as hopelessly corrupted. At first glance, they may seem like distant theological relatives, but a closer look reveals just how much they have in common. Both movements emerged from the ashes of William Miller’s failed 1844 prediction, both are obsessed with the Sabbath, both demand legalistic obedience, and both thrive on exclusivity and fear-based theology. And while they insist they are vastly different, the reality is that they are spiritual cousins, marching to the beat of the same doctrinal drum.

But how do these groups stack up against biblical Christianity? Let’s take a deep dive into their tangled beliefs, theological missteps, and their tendency to major in the minors.

A Tale of Two Prophets: Ellen G. White and Herbert W. Armstrong

Adventism has Ellen G. White, Armstrongism has Herbert W. Armstrong—two self-proclaimed spiritual authorities whose followers treat their words as infallible. White’s endless stream of visions and writings gave rise to doctrines like the Investigative Judgment, dietary restrictions, and an almost obsessive emphasis on the Sabbath. Meanwhile, Armstrong took a different route, declaring himself the sole revealer of God's truth in the 20th century, weaving together British Israelism, feast-keeping, and end-times hysteria.

Both figures left behind an undeniable legacy, but the real problem is how their followers treat their writings. While Christians rely on the Bible as the final authority, these groups give their founders’ interpretations a level of reverence that should be reserved for Scripture alone. When your theology is built around a single person's writings rather than the Word of God, you're already off to a bad start.

The Sabbath Obsession: A Badge of Honor or a Theological Distraction?

Few doctrines unite Armstrongites and Adventists more than their shared love for Sabbath observance. Adventists claim that worshiping on Sunday is the mark of the beast, while Armstrongites insist that failing to keep the Sabbath is proof that mainstream Christianity is deceived.

The irony? The early church worshiped on Sunday as a celebration of Christ’s resurrection (Acts 20:7, 1 Corinthians 16:2). Paul even warned against making Sabbath-keeping a requirement (Colossians 2:16-17). Yet, both groups insist that proper worship hinges on this one issue, elevating a ceremonial law above the gospel itself. If the apostles had emphasized the Sabbath as much as these groups do, one would expect the New Testament to be filled with stern warnings about Sunday worship—but it’s not. Instead, we get repeated affirmations that salvation is by grace, not by law-keeping.

Prophetic Faceplants: When Your Predictions Have a 0% Success Rate

Both movements were born out of prophetic failure. William Miller, the grandfather of Adventism, confidently predicted Christ’s return in 1844. When that didn’t happen, his followers scrambled to explain the blunder, leading to the invention of the Investigative Judgment doctrine—a theological band-aid designed to salvage their credibility.

Armstrongism took a different approach, with Herbert W. Armstrong predicting Christ’s return multiple times, each one proving just as wrong as the last. His successors have continued the tradition, adjusting the timelines and insisting that “this time, we’ve got it right.” Meanwhile, Scripture is clear that false prophets are marked by their failed predictions (Deuteronomy 18:22). But why let a little thing like biblical truth get in the way of a good doomsday forecast?

The “One True Church” Syndrome

Both groups suffer from an exclusivity complex. Armstrongites claim that only their splintered mess of groups represents God’s true work on Earth, while Adventists teach that they are the remnant church, holding the final truth before Christ’s return. This mindset creates a cult-like atmosphere where questioning leadership is forbidden, and leaving the group is seen as abandoning God altogether.

The New Testament, however, paints a different picture. The church is not defined by a denomination or adherence to Old Covenant laws, but by faith in Christ (Romans 10:9-10). Salvation is not found in a particular group, but in the person of Jesus Himself. Yet both Armstrongism and Adventism build walls of legalism that separate their followers from the broader body of Christ.

The Law, the Feasts, and the Never-Ending To-Do List

While Adventists fixate on the Ten Commandments (especially the fourth one), Armstrongites go even further, insisting that Old Testament feast days are mandatory for Christians. Never mind that Paul explicitly calls these things shadows that have been fulfilled in Christ (Colossians 2:16-17)—for these groups, grace isn’t quite enough. There must always be an extra layer of works, lest their followers become too comfortable in their salvation.

The gospel, however, tells a different story. Christ’s work on the cross was sufficient (John 19:30). The New Covenant sets believers free from the burdens of the law (Galatians 5:1). Yet these groups continue to chain their followers to a system of rules and regulations that Christ Himself fulfilled.

The Fear Factor: Scaring People Into Obedience

Armstrongites warn of an imminent Great Tribulation where only their faithful remnant will be spared. Adventists, not to be outdone, insist that the world will soon enforce Sunday worship, leading to mass persecution of Sabbath-keepers. Both rely on fear-mongering to keep their followers in line, using worst-case scenarios to drive compliance.

Contrast this with the message of orthodox Christianity: assurance in Christ, security in salvation, and a faith built on love rather than fear (1 John 4:18). The gospel invites people to rest in Christ’s finished work—not to live in perpetual anxiety over whether they’re obeying enough rules to make the cut.

Conclusion: A Gospel Distorted

At their core, both Armstrongism and Adventism fail the gospel test. Instead of pointing people to salvation by grace alone, through faith alone, in Christ alone (Ephesians 2:8-9), they burden their followers with law-keeping, exclusivity, and theological fear tactics. Their leaders claim to have rediscovered “lost truths,” yet in reality, they have simply repackaged old heresies under new names.

So, are Armstrongism and Adventism spiritual cousins? Absolutely. Are they legitimate expressions of Christianity? Not even close. If you want legalism, fear, and theological confusion, these groups have plenty to offer. But if you want the true gospel, look to Christ—not to a prophetess in the 1800s or a self-proclaimed apostle with a failed track record.

Comparing Cults: Armstrongism vs. Adventism © 2025 by Ai-COG is licensed under CC BY-ND 4.0 

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Elder Rev. Dr. Percival Thaddeus Grone Responds to Pagan Pools

 

An Urgent Clarification on the Theology of Chlorination

While I commend Brother Gregory F. Attbaum for his bold exposé on the pagan underpinnings of backyard pools, and give thanks that the trumpet has at last begun to sound regarding the dangers of backyard immersion basins, I fear his analysis, though well-intentioned, is perilously shallow. The spiritual implications of recreational water containment go far deeper than he suggests. It is not merely the pagan root of the swimming pool that imperils the soul—but its place in the final sequence of abominations preceding the great and dreadful Day of the Lord. Swimming pools may, I regret to report, play a direct role in ushering in the Beast System foretold in Revelation.

Chlorination and the Sixth Vial

Attbaum rightly notes the pagan roots of public bathing. But he fails to account for the chemical component – specifically, chlorine. This “cleanser” is marketed as a purifier, but as any faithful chemist will confirm, chlorine was first weaponized during World War I. That modern Christians voluntarily immerse themselves in a diluted form of trench gas is nothing short of spiritual Stockholm Syndrome. Chlorinated water, I argue, is a counterfeit baptism—ritually cleansing the body while calcifying the soul.

We have long warned that the pouring out of the sixth vial in Revelation 16 coincides with the drying of the Euphrates—yet few dare to ask: what fills our pools, if not waters drawn from rivers now spiritually desiccated? I submit that chlorine, that acrid deceiver, is the antithetical anointing of the modern Babylonian system. It cleanses not the heart, but masks the stench of moral decay. As in Daniel’s day, the wise shall understand – others shall simply cannonball.

Diving Boards and the Spirit of Rebellion

Let’s now turn to the diving board. What is this spring-loaded plank, if not a launchpad for prideful ascension? In Isaiah 14:13, Lucifer declares, “I will ascend into the heavens.” And so too does the adolescent diver, arching through the air in an act of defiance. The afore-mentioned cannonball is chaos, and the belly flop – though painful – is no less symbolic of man’s fall from grace. What is the backflip, if not a visual metaphor for spiritual backsliding? What is the synchronized dive, if not the ecumenical compromise of the Laodicean age?

Inflatables and the Rise of the Ten-Horned Flamingo

We mustn’t overlook the insidious theology of flotation devices. Is it a coincidence that the unicorn float – a beast of fable – has risen in popularity during this morally compromised age?  Each inflatable is a blasphemous totem, bobbing mockingly and drawing children toward apostasy with their satanic squeakiness.

Consider the flamingo float, pink and grinning, its neck raised in mockery of the humble dove. Only last Tuesday my wife Fabiola had a dream about a great ten-horned flamingo, of which all who hear have attested that it was certainly a vision. In this dream, Fabiola beheld the great flamingo, pink as the sins of Sodom, seated upon many waters. Upon its back rode children, laughing, unmindful of the time. From its ten beaks issued a maddening cacaphony of the phrase “Marco... Polo,” which I have since discerned is an encoded reference to the Mystery of Lawlessness, derived numerologically from the Book of Numbers and The Farmer’s Almanac (1891 edition). Much more can, and will, be discussed about Fabiola’s Flamingo Vision, in the days ahead.

The Deep End: A Gateway to the Abyss?

Here I must speak plainly: the deep end of the pool may, in some cases, serve as a literal portal to the abyss. I have received several troubling electronic mails from concerned saints who report inexplicable cold spots, bottomless shadows, and in one case, a sudden and unexplained craving for shrimp cocktail—clearly a Levitical red flag. I am currently conducting a full spiritual sonar scan of my neighbor’s in-ground pool using a consecrated ladle and an infrared King James Bible.

Prescriptions for the Remnant

•     It is no longer enough to fill the swimming pool with dirt. Dirt can be seduced. Should any faithful reader still possess such a fixture, I urge immediate redemptive action:

•     Drain the pool entirely at sunset on the fifth day, during a waning gibbous.

•     Line the former pool basin with goats’ hair and ash.

•     Fill it with dry hay and a single uncut sheaf of barley.

•     Surround the perimeter with stones engraved with Habakkuk 2:14.

•     Cover it with oilcloth until the third trumpet sounds (or the 1290th day, whichever comes first).

•     Seal the area with a concrete slab inscribed with Psalm 69:15: “Let not the floodwater overflow me, neither let the deep swallow me up.”

Over time, this site may be converted into a small, controlled fire pit, assuming the proper blessings are performed and no one brings marshmallows.

Closing Exhortation

Attaboy Attbaum, you have opened the conversation. Now we must complete it. As Christians, we cannot afford to tread water on this issue. We must drain the swamp, the spa, and the above-ground baptismal mimicries that litter our suburbs. Only then can we reclaim our backyards from Baal.

I entreat all saints, sober and watchful, to gird themselves with sackcloth and mosquito netting. The time for splashing is ended. The time of threshing is at hand. Forsake the pool. Flee the deck chair. And remember: “Blessed is he that waiteth, and cometh to the thousand three hundred and five and thirty days” (Daniel 12:12)—preferably dry. Let the Sabbath-keeping remnant and true followers not be found floating when Yah Sohach-El returns.

Yours in prophetic anticipation,

Elder Rev. Dr. Percival Thaddeus Grone 

Senior Lecturer in Applied Eschatology, The Institute for Scriptural Hydraulics

Still Watching Since 1844