Elder Rev. Dr. Percival Thaddeus Grone Responds to Pagan Pools

 

An Urgent Clarification on the Theology of Chlorination

While I commend Brother Gregory F. Attbaum for his bold exposé on the pagan underpinnings of backyard pools, and give thanks that the trumpet has at last begun to sound regarding the dangers of backyard immersion basins, I fear his analysis, though well-intentioned, is perilously shallow. The spiritual implications of recreational water containment go far deeper than he suggests. It is not merely the pagan root of the swimming pool that imperils the soul—but its place in the final sequence of abominations preceding the great and dreadful Day of the Lord. Swimming pools may, I regret to report, play a direct role in ushering in the Beast System foretold in Revelation.

Chlorination and the Sixth Vial

Attbaum rightly notes the pagan roots of public bathing. But he fails to account for the chemical component – specifically, chlorine. This “cleanser” is marketed as a purifier, but as any faithful chemist will confirm, chlorine was first weaponized during World War I. That modern Christians voluntarily immerse themselves in a diluted form of trench gas is nothing short of spiritual Stockholm Syndrome. Chlorinated water, I argue, is a counterfeit baptism—ritually cleansing the body while calcifying the soul.

We have long warned that the pouring out of the sixth vial in Revelation 16 coincides with the drying of the Euphrates—yet few dare to ask: what fills our pools, if not waters drawn from rivers now spiritually desiccated? I submit that chlorine, that acrid deceiver, is the antithetical anointing of the modern Babylonian system. It cleanses not the heart, but masks the stench of moral decay. As in Daniel’s day, the wise shall understand – others shall simply cannonball.

Diving Boards and the Spirit of Rebellion

Let’s now turn to the diving board. What is this spring-loaded plank, if not a launchpad for prideful ascension? In Isaiah 14:13, Lucifer declares, “I will ascend into the heavens.” And so too does the adolescent diver, arching through the air in an act of defiance. The afore-mentioned cannonball is chaos, and the belly flop – though painful – is no less symbolic of man’s fall from grace. What is the backflip, if not a visual metaphor for spiritual backsliding? What is the synchronized dive, if not the ecumenical compromise of the Laodicean age?

Inflatables and the Rise of the Ten-Horned Flamingo

We mustn’t overlook the insidious theology of flotation devices. Is it a coincidence that the unicorn float – a beast of fable – has risen in popularity during this morally compromised age?  Each inflatable is a blasphemous totem, bobbing mockingly and drawing children toward apostasy with their satanic squeakiness.

Consider the flamingo float, pink and grinning, its neck raised in mockery of the humble dove. Only last Tuesday my wife Fabiola had a dream about a great ten-horned flamingo, of which all who hear have attested that it was certainly a vision. In this dream, Fabiola beheld the great flamingo, pink as the sins of Sodom, seated upon many waters. Upon its back rode children, laughing, unmindful of the time. From its ten beaks issued a maddening cacaphony of the phrase “Marco... Polo,” which I have since discerned is an encoded reference to the Mystery of Lawlessness, derived numerologically from the Book of Numbers and The Farmer’s Almanac (1891 edition). Much more can, and will, be discussed about Fabiola’s Flamingo Vision, in the days ahead.

The Deep End: A Gateway to the Abyss?

Here I must speak plainly: the deep end of the pool may, in some cases, serve as a literal portal to the abyss. I have received several troubling electronic mails from concerned saints who report inexplicable cold spots, bottomless shadows, and in one case, a sudden and unexplained craving for shrimp cocktail—clearly a Levitical red flag. I am currently conducting a full spiritual sonar scan of my neighbor’s in-ground pool using a consecrated ladle and an infrared King James Bible.

Prescriptions for the Remnant

•     It is no longer enough to fill the swimming pool with dirt. Dirt can be seduced. Should any faithful reader still possess such a fixture, I urge immediate redemptive action:

•     Drain the pool entirely at sunset on the fifth day, during a waning gibbous.

•     Line the former pool basin with goats’ hair and ash.

•     Fill it with dry hay and a single uncut sheaf of barley.

•     Surround the perimeter with stones engraved with Habakkuk 2:14.

•     Cover it with oilcloth until the third trumpet sounds (or the 1290th day, whichever comes first).

•     Seal the area with a concrete slab inscribed with Psalm 69:15: “Let not the floodwater overflow me, neither let the deep swallow me up.”

Over time, this site may be converted into a small, controlled fire pit, assuming the proper blessings are performed and no one brings marshmallows.

Closing Exhortation

Attaboy Attbaum, you have opened the conversation. Now we must complete it. As Christians, we cannot afford to tread water on this issue. We must drain the swamp, the spa, and the above-ground baptismal mimicries that litter our suburbs. Only then can we reclaim our backyards from Baal.

I entreat all saints, sober and watchful, to gird themselves with sackcloth and mosquito netting. The time for splashing is ended. The time of threshing is at hand. Forsake the pool. Flee the deck chair. And remember: “Blessed is he that waiteth, and cometh to the thousand three hundred and five and thirty days” (Daniel 12:12)—preferably dry. Let the Sabbath-keeping remnant and true followers not be found floating when Yah Sohach-El returns.

Yours in prophetic anticipation,

Elder Rev. Dr. Percival Thaddeus Grone 

Senior Lecturer in Applied Eschatology, The Institute for Scriptural Hydraulics

Still Watching Since 1844