Friday, April 13, 2018

New COG Dating App Is Released Just In Time For Feast Match-up's


The Feast of Tabernacles is right around the corner. For singles in the church this is a good time to find you a Godly mate. So, here is a list of hot church singles seeking possible lifetime marriage.

Dale; 41 y/o former gay male been a baptized member for 9 years. After, much fasting, fervent prayer, being a member of the festival choir last year and 5 anointings he's now straight. Dale, is looking for a Godly baptized woman for possible dating and marriage. Contact 3107







Cal; a 55 y/o raised church virgin. He drinks a glass of fresh squeezed OJ everyday, gives himself a vigorous rub down with a towel after each shower, sprinkles wheatgerm on all his foods and wears loose fitting boxers. Ladies, if you speak Hebrew it's a plus, must believe in natural child birth and home schooling. Contact 6705



Donna; 49 y/o raised in God's church since 12 years of age. Baptized the last 20 years. Pros: Can quote the whole Book of Revelations by memory. Makes all her clothes. She fasts twice a week and took first place in the talent show. Cons: suffers from chronic toenail infections and UTIs. Currently on garlic treatment. Hopefully she will be off the garlic by the feast. Contact 1855


 

Lilly; 36 y/o bi-org swinger. Swings from LCG org to UCG org 2-3 times a year with family members in both orgs. Contact: 5401





 
Bill; 57 y/o widower whose wife died during natural child birth. 36 year baptized church member looking for a deeply converted homemaker to help can and preserve his 25 acre organic garden and raise his 6 children, ages 4 -16. I'll be your Abraham and you'll be my Sarah. If you're of child bearing age I don't mind raising a few more olive plants. Contact 2305




 


Linda; 41 y/o single woman. I need a man. Contact 4679





Dave; 46 y/o looking for a woman to share the blessing of his upcoming 3rd tithe year. Looking for a Proverbs 31 type gal. Must be a good cook and house cleaner and don't give me no lip. A plus if you're into the Hebrew Roots Movement. Contact: 3090

From Facebook, used with permission. 






Disclaimer after pressing "Like" or "Meet" or "Send A Message": 

Ministerial Approval required. A copy of your message will be sent to your local pastor. Subject to meeting Terms and Conditions. If approval is met, your message will be sent to your match. Double dating may be required on the first date. Only restaurants, skating rinks, or movies is permitted on the first date. PDA is forbidden, which means you agree to no holding hands, inappropriate dress, kissing, necking, petting, standing too close to each other, dancing without light in between, or any other contact which is considered worldly. COG will verify church attendance prior to sending message. You may not use 1st, 2nd, or 3rd tithe for dating. All conversations may be recorded. Using this service permits App to track location at all times. COG reserves right to terminate service at any time with little to no notice. Counseling may be required after the third date. Side hugs only for the first date. No exceptions. The App will monitor for use of foul language. Use of foul language will terminate service. Minister may terminate date via App if date lasts too long. Use of App requires both parties fill out a full Date Report at the conclusion of Date. Date App will not be available during Local Church Services. After 10 dates COG may determine future date status, and possible Upgrades as warranted. Failure to use app in accordance with Terms and Conditions may result in termination of App and COG Membership. May Not Trade with any other person. Must Adhere to all Doctrines and Church Guidelines while using this App. COG assumes no responsibility for outcome of dates, nor does COG assume any responsibility or liability for any action due to or occurring because of date. User revokes any expectation of privacy at all times. App will ask for use of camera, and full permissions of call logs, data, phone messages, and contacts. Not to be used for any other purpose. Not to be used by ineligible members. Contact Member Services for ful details. THIS APP IS NOT AVAILABLE ON THE SABBATH OR ON HOLY DAYS. Thank you for using the App. 

23 comments:

Anonymous said...

Disclaimer after pressing "Like" or "Meet" or "Send A Message": (Fake Satire!)

Ministerial Approval required. A copy of your message will be sent to your local pastor. Subject to meeting Terms and Conditions. If approval is met, your message will be sent to your match. Double dating may be required on the first date. Only restaurants, skating rinks, or movies is permitted on the first date. PDA is forbidden, which means you agree to no holding hands, inappropriate dress, kissing, necking, petting, standing too close to each other, dancing without light in between, or any other contact which is considered worldly. COG will verify church attendance prior to sending message. You may not use 1st, 2nd, or 3rd tithe for dating. All conversations may be recorded. Using this service permits App to track location at all times. COG reserves right to terminate service at any time with little to no notice. Counseling may be required after the third date. Side hugs only for the first date. No exceptions. The App will monitor for use of foul language. Use of foul language will terminate service. Minister may terminate date via App if date lasts too long. Use of App requires both parties fill out a full Date Report at the conclusion of Date. Date App will not be available during Local Church Services. After 10 dates COG may determine future date status, and possible Upgrades as warranted. Failure to use app in accordance with Terms and Conditions may result in termination of App and COG Membership. May Not Trade with any other person. Must Adhere to all Doctrines and Church Guidelines while using this App. COG assumes no responsibility for outcome of dates, nor does COG assume any responsibility or liability for any action due to or occurring because of date. User revokes any expectation of privacy at all times. App will ask for use of camera, and full permissions of call logs, data, phone messages, and contacts. Not to be used for any other purpose. Not to be used by ineligible members. Contact Member Services for ful details. THIS APP IS NOT AVAILABLE ON THE SABBATH OR ON HOLY DAYS. Thank you for using the App.

NO2HWA said...

Bwahahaha! I added it!

Anonymous said...


There is no need for those new-fangled Dating Apps in the PCG. The local PCG goons will conscript desirable mates for their own children, and will “help” other people's children by matching them up with ancient predators in the PCG.

Anonymous said...

Members are so closely monitored by their churches that this satirical App write up isn't far fletched.

Anonymous said...

Hi, I'm looking for a mate.
The woman of my dreams must have these three qualities.
She must be rich.
She must be old.
And she must be sick.
I can be contacted on the dating app.

Anonymous said...


Dating and Marriage in the Cults:


UCG: UCG people like to date and marry completely outside of the COGs, and like to end up divorced.

COGWA: COGWA does not believe in members dating or marrying outside of the church, but there is nobody inside the church.

PCG: PCG goons do the mismatch-making, marriage breaking, family wrecking, and predators' services.

RCG: RCG members who faithfully serve Dave should not have any time, or energy, or money, left over to date or marry anyone.

COG-PKG: The latest end-time guess is coming too soon, yet again, to date or get married.

CCG: Nigerians want to marry Americans, but they need the American CCG members to send them thousands of dollars first so they can come over here.

Anonymous said...

"... children by matching them up with ancient predators in the PCG."

Not true. When the hot young girls come chasing you the ministry steers them away and tries to direct you to the fat old divorced women with kids. That's one reason I left. Lots more hot young interested girls outside the church.

Anonymous said...

I'm guessing the COG dating app is for 50+ singles. Are there any singles under 50 that still attend these churches?

Anonymous said...

Satire can be so distorted that it can make anything look stupid.

Byker Bob said...

Their dating practices don’t work for prophecy, so why would anyone think they’d work for finding a spouse? By this time, you’d think they’d know to switch to figs!

BB

Sane Con said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Connie Schmidt said...

Rather than a dating app, perhaps the COGs could organize giant games of Milton Bradleys "Twister" for the singles.

Anonymous said...

scoffing is an art, and this page has mastered the art of end time scoffing...

Anonymous said...

nice to see the elderly have a place on line to exhibit tom foolery...

Anonymous said...


The PCG is declining due in part to its perverse anti-family idea of matching up young single males with horny old women about three times their age.

The only reproduction in the PCG will be from the children of the leaders, who get matched up with pretty young girls. The children of the leaders definitely do not get the usual arranged abuse treatment that is meted out to the despised ordinary little members.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous on April 15, 2018 at 3:46 AM and April 15, 2018 at 3:50 AM,

If you do not want to hear the plain truth and do not have a sense of humour, you can always try to go to the PCG where you will be strictly cut off from all truth and all joy. Make a decision. Decide now. Unless, of course, you are just one of those whiny whiners.


Anonymous said...


Anonymous on April 15, 2018 at 3:46 AM said...“scoffing is an art, and this page has mastered the art of end time scoffing...”


Ha! That's nothing! Gerald Flurry has mastered the art of being an end time false prophet. He knows how to lie, steal, destroy, and kill.


Anonymous said...


Anonymous on April 15, 2018 at 3:50 AM said...“nice to see the elderly have a place on line to exhibit tom foolery...”


Tom foolery sure beats Flurry foolery, where you get scammed and abused by a false prophet and former drunken runt.

Retired Prof said...

One of the most important reasons I couldn't stand to stay at Ambassador longer than two semesters was that only a few people there had any appreciation, or even tolerance, for tomfoolery. Often they mistook my tomfoolery for scoffing. I did a lot of scoffing, but only inside my head. I didn't pester anyone else with it.

The recommended attitude at Ambassador was earnestness. I try to avoid earnest sourpusses. They suck the exuberance out of irreverent folks like me, who are merely trying to alleviate for a few moments the prevailing gloom of this dreary interval between birth and death.

Thank you, NO2HWA, for tolerating healthy doses of tomfoolery (and scoffing) on this blog.

Ron said...

What a great post and the comments...oh the comments... Love em all!

Why I lasted 3 years at AC, I'll never know..Maybe it's because my sis was respected and her hubby a minister/prof--assistant to Hoeh...

Ron said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ron said...

Retired Prof, you sound like my kinda guy.... When were you at AC? Me, from 67-70, Pasadener..........And to you, "Anonymous" the creator of the clever dating app.. well done! LOL... and so close to reality...

Retired Prof said...

I entered AC in 1959.

I must say, it wasn't all bad. Best institutional food I ever ate. More important, I still treasure the memories of those students, employees, and one faculty member there who could appreciate my tomfoolery.