Song of the Year! The Ballad of Sammy Kitchen's "Holy Bitchin"

 

“The Ballad of Sam Kitchen’s Holy Bitchin’”

There once was a fellow named Sammy Kitchen,
Whose hobby—no shock—was religious bitchin’.
He’d stomp ‘round town with prophetic flair,
Like a televangelist with too much hair.

Sam ranted of visions, omens, signs,
End-times charts, and crooked lines.
He’d shout, “REPENT!” at squirrels and crows,
And once tried baptizing a garden hose.

But his favorite pastime—his pride! his joy!—
Was choosing a target to spiritually annoy.
First came Aaron Dean, poor unsuspecting lad,
Who Sam declared “theologically bad!”

Sam raged so loud the rafters shook—
The town called it “Sam’s Religious Kook-A-Palooza Cook-Book.”
But when that feud finally cooled to mild,
Sam needed a new prophet to make reviled.

Enter Steve Meyers, fresh as dawn—
Sam latched on like a televangelist pawn.
“HERESY!” he bellowed, “BLASPHEMY TOO!”
Though no one knew what Steve did (or who).

He marched through town in sandals worn,
Preaching like an apocalyptic foghorn.
Folks whispered softly, “Bless his heart…
…his brain’s a few scriptures short of a chart.”

Still Sam keeps ranting, day and night,
Holy fury at full flight.
And the town just sighs, “Here we go again—
Sam’s rewriting Revelations with a ballpoint pen.”

So raise a toast to Sam the Loud,
The self-anointed prophet of the overly-proud,
Whose pious tantrums, wild and rich,
Make heaven chuckle at his holy bitch.