LCG's One True 1960 Hoeh Family Matzo Decree

Are Living Church of God members EVER allowed to do anything right? Inquiring Laodiceans demand to know! (and apparently, the answer is still “No.”)

Week after week—bless their hearts—the boys in Charlotte grace us with yet another lovingly crafted admonishment. Because nothing says “spiritual nourishment” like being reminded that you’ve somehow managed to mess up yet another tiny, insignificant detail of Christian living. God forbid headquarters ever risk uttering a single encouraging word, like “Hey, you’re actually doing pretty well as Christians this week,” or—gasp—“grace is really flowing in your lives right now.” No, no, that would be far too dangerous. We might accidentally start thinking salvation has something to do with Christ’s finished work instead of getting the skirt length just so.

The list of offenses is truly impressive in its microscopic pettiness: bad attitudes (shocking), clothing styles and lengths that are apparently auditioning for the wrong century, the unforgivable sin of questioning a minister (how very Laodicean of you), and of course, the ever-popular crime of… baking unleavened bread incorrectly. Yes, friends, we have now reached peak oversight: policing the precise fluffiness of your Passover matzo.

The latest pearl of pastoral guidance arrives fresh from headquarters, dripping with that special blend of passive-aggressive concern and historical nostalgia:

Unleavened bread is part of the Passover service, but the Bible does not give us a specific recipe to use, stipulating only that it must be unleavened (Exodus 12:8; Matthew 26:26). Historically, the Church has used store-bought plain Matzos or homemade unleavened bread from a simple recipe from Mrs. Isabell Hoeh (wife of Dr. Herman Hoeh) in 1960. This recipe was likely handed down from an even earlier time. Since the breakup of the Worldwide Church of God, we have become a bit loose in what kind of homemade bread is used for the Passover, with some innovations to the historic recipe. Therefore, we have published ingredients and instructions in the Living Church News…

Translation for the spiritually dense among us: “Some of you degenerates have been adding flavor, texture, or—horror of horrors—egg whites. Your bread looked too nice. It rose a suspicious 1/100th of an inch. This cannot stand. We are now reissuing the One True 1960 Hoeh Family Matzo Decree so you stop thinking you’re allowed to be creative during the holiest season of the year. Buy plain Matzos if you can’t be trusted with flour and water. Allergies? We’ll condescend to address those… next week. You’re welcome.”

Because nothing symbolizes putting out sin, sincerity, and truth (1 Cor. 5:6–8) quite like making sure every single unleavened loaf achieves the exact same level of cardboard perfection, Isabell Hoeh intended back when bell-bottoms were still a future abomination.

At this point, one has to wonder: is there anything LCG members can do without headquarters swooping in to explain how they’ve subtly perverted God’s way? Breathe correctly? Smile with the approved level of joy? The bar is apparently set so low that even clearing it earns suspicion.

So keep baking, brethren—and sisters especially, since this seems to be a women’s-issue sin. Just remember: if your unleavened bread looks remotely edible, fluffy, or (heaven forbid) tasty, you’re probably drifting into the terrifying realm of “innovation.” Better to stick with the dusty, joyless original and avoid the wrath of the recipe police.

After all, in Charlotte’s eyes, the most important thing during Passover isn’t remembering Christ’s sacrifice… it’s remembering to follow the correct historical instructions so no one accidentally enjoys their symbolism a little too much. Priorities, people. Priorities.

Greetings from Charlotte,

Unleavened bread is part of the Passover service, but the Bible does not give us a specific recipe to use, stipulating only that it must be unleavened (Exodus 12:8; Matthew 26:26). Historically, the Church has used store-bought plain Matzos or homemade unleavened bread from a simple recipe from Mrs. Isabell Hoeh (wife of Dr. Herman Hoeh) in 1960. This recipe was likely handed down from an even earlier time. Since the breakup of the Worldwide Church of God, we have become a bit loose in what kind of homemade bread is used for the Passover, with some innovations to the historic recipe. Therefore, we have published ingredients and instructions in the Living Church News for unleavened bread to be used at the Passover service. It is the first recipe on page 17 of this year’s March-April issue, and it is labeled “Bread for Passover Service.” You may also purchase plain Matzos. I will address handling allergies for Passover in next week’s update.