The one, the only, the celestially self-nominated Samuel W. Kitchen—third-generation heir apparent, mantle-inheritor extraordinaire, and proud composer of such timeless bangers as “Now God Knows” and “Supreme”—has once again descended from his YouTube channel heights to grace us with his infallible decree.
This coming Saturday, mark your calendars and empty your refrigerators, because our Supreme Restorer has proclaimed a Glorious Mandatory Global Fast. The holy purpose? To power-wash your grubby, doubt-filled hearts until they gleam like the Ambassador Auditorium he’s currently crowdfunding to repurchase (because nothing screams “God’s one true church restored” quite like begging strangers online to help buy back real estate from the apostates who actually maintained it).
But hold onto your tithing envelopes—this celestial spa day isn’t open to just any lukewarm Laodicean. Oh no. Only the ultra-elect, the certified non-counterfeit remnant who will emerge from this 24-hour starvation sacrament sufficiently purified, set apart, and spiritually swole enough to drag the Worldwide Church of God back to its legendary golden era.You know the one: when the sermons were three hours long, the doctrines never changed (except when they did), the hierarchy was unquestionable, the mail-in checks flowed like manna, corruption wore a three-piece suit and smiled benevolently from the stage, and the brethren joyfully played their starring role as walking ATMs in what future church historians would unanimously label the most extravagantly successful prosperity gospel ever rebranded as “God’s government on earth.”
Truly, what an honor to be summoned back to paradise. Dust off that fasting bucket, silence your critical thoughts, and start drafting that love-offering check made payable to the one true Restorer—who, coincidentally, also happens to be the guy telling you he’s the Restorer.
Because if there’s one thing Herbert Armstrong taught us, it’s that God always chooses the humblest vessels… especially the ones who write songs about their holy righteous family and then email the concert venue asking if he can buy it back.
Passover prep has never felt so gloriously authoritarian. Let the hunger games begin.
22 comments:
Is This a joke? No one would know about SK except for this blog. Kinda like watching Barney Fife on that old show!
Yes sirree, if it wasn’t for Banned we most likely would never of heard of SK or Thiel and the majority of the Armstrong splinters. I think Gary should send them all an invoice for the free publicity. And promise the proceeds from the income generated to finance Sam’s purchase of the old auditorium lol. That way everyone wins. The possibilities are endless……
Obviously, it is not a joke to report it. Keeping these lunatics in the public arena destroys the ability to blindly lead peopel into their nutiness. The blog specifically states
"Exposing the underbelly of Armstrongism in all of its wacky glory! Nothing you read here is made up. What you read here is the up to date face of Herbert W Armstrong's legacy. It's the gritty and dirty behind the scenes look at Armstrongism as you have never seen it before! With all the new crazy self-appointed Chief Overseers, Apostles, Prophets, Pharisees, legalists, and outright liars leading various Churches of God today, it is important to hold these agents of deception accountable."
Maybe Banned can invite Kitchen to explain rules he has put in place to deal with funds contributed for this Armstrong building to ensure there is proper accountability, including the process to be followed to return funds if the purchase never occurs. Whether this was set up with proper legal advice and a myriad of other questions to answer other questions? One being what happens to funds if Kitchen is hit by a bus - who will return funds then or what happens to the fund?
I don't want to fast! I think I'll slow instead.
If SK wants to have a day of fasting I say he should go for it. I hear it's good for your health.
This was posted too late. I fasted Tuesday night-Wednesday, ending with Sacred New Year. Hopefully he won't be offended.
Anonymous on Wednesday, March 18, 2026 at 3:41:03 PM PDT said ... “Maybe Banned can invite Kitchen to explain rules he has put in place to deal with funds contributed for this Armstrong building to ensure there is proper accountability, including the process to be followed to return funds if the purchase never occurs. Whether this was set up with proper legal advice and a myriad of other questions to answer other questions? One being what happens to funds if Kitchen is hit by a bus - who will return funds then or what happens to the fund?”
No money ever raised by any of these self-appointed so-called COG “leaders” ever gets refunded -- ever -- no matter what happens.
These self-appointed so-called COG “leaders” teach other people to be really generous and careless about giving away their hard-earned money to these “leaders,” but they themselves will never, ever, part with any of it once it is in their own greedy hands.
Whenever you give money to one of the satanic scams on the so-called COG scene, that money is gone, gone, GONE!!!
Christmas in July ! Atonement in Springtime !
Pervbert knew how to shear the sheep and taught his disciples well.
I agree 2:49 in the manifesto in how it is very "important to hold these agents of deception accountable" ...starting with this blog.
Fasting is yet another Armstrongite cliche that rarely results in any sort of spiritual enlightenment. It does put some survival tools that the general public knows nothing about into your arsenal. I'd recommend reading Herman Hesse's "Sidhartha" to anyone wishing further illustration. Most know of Hesse through one of his other works, "Steppenwolf" as brought to the forefront by the excellent classic rock band who felt the name appropriate to their world view.
BB
What's a "fasting bucket"? I've either forgotten or just never heard of one.
Going hungry for Jesus or to prove to the Deity we would if commanded always seemed lame. One look at the known, much less unknown, Universe should keep us more than humbled.
There is no evidence that God ever asked anyone to fast for any reason. None.
Yeah, 10:43, but you never do! You just call us liars or UCG traitorous double agents. How about some specifics that we can actually address? Got anything, or are you just going to wimp out???
It would be one thing if those fasting were to switch their minds into neutral and ask for God's guidance. Then, you might learn. When an Armstrongite leader calls for a fast, the intention is that followers imbibe more deeply of Armstrongite crap, and become closer to the group, or org. Bias confirmation becomes the guide in their weakened state. So, it's all a waste, except you saved a little on your food bill for the week. And, I would imagine there is a temporary spike in "the work's" income.
BB
About fasting I recall a sermon in the early 1970's where in presenting the 7 point message we were told to be fasting at least once a month otherwise ''you simply aren't going to make it brethren". I'm assuming this applied to salvation as well as going to Petra - as if you weren;t in the first you certainly weren't in line for the ultimate reward.
Wednesday, March 18, 2026 at 8:01:51 PM PDT Whenever you give money to one of the satanic scams on the so-called COG scene, that money is gone, gone, GONE!!!
Sadly, what you say is 100% true the biggest con of them all was the Pervbert himself as he perfected the art of extracting what he said were important and desperately needed extra funds to be over and above the usual tithes.
From my experience, you might need it if you eat a lot of spicy foods right before a fast begins.
One year on Atonement, I was on my knees at the bathroom stool.
What about Joel 1:14?!
It was always believable that skinny Rod Meredith fasted regularly. Fat little Mr Piggy HWA? Not so much. During the first century one would have expected to see Mr. A in the Roman Epicureans' vomitorium during their lavish parties.
Post a Comment