The one, the only, the celestially self-nominated Samuel W. Kitchen—third-generation heir apparent, mantle-inheritor extraordinaire, and proud composer of such timeless bangers as “Now God Knows” and “Supreme”—has once again descended from his YouTube channel heights to grace us with his infallible decree.
This coming Saturday, mark your calendars and empty your refrigerators, because our Supreme Restorer has proclaimed a Glorious Mandatory Global Fast. The holy purpose? To power-wash your grubby, doubt-filled hearts until they gleam like the Ambassador Auditorium he’s currently crowdfunding to repurchase (because nothing screams “God’s one true church restored” quite like begging strangers online to help buy back real estate from the apostates who actually maintained it).
But hold onto your tithing envelopes—this celestial spa day isn’t open to just any lukewarm Laodicean. Oh no. Only the ultra-elect, the certified non-counterfeit remnant who will emerge from this 24-hour starvation sacrament sufficiently purified, set apart, and spiritually swole enough to drag the Worldwide Church of God back to its legendary golden era.You know the one: when the sermons were three hours long, the doctrines never changed (except when they did), the hierarchy was unquestionable, the mail-in checks flowed like manna, corruption wore a three-piece suit and smiled benevolently from the stage, and the brethren joyfully played their starring role as walking ATMs in what future church historians would unanimously label the most extravagantly successful prosperity gospel ever rebranded as “God’s government on earth.”
Truly, what an honor to be summoned back to paradise. Dust off that fasting bucket, silence your critical thoughts, and start drafting that love-offering check made payable to the one true Restorer—who, coincidentally, also happens to be the guy telling you he’s the Restorer.
Because if there’s one thing Herbert Armstrong taught us, it’s that God always chooses the humblest vessels… especially the ones who write songs about their holy righteous family and then email the concert venue asking if he can buy it back.
Passover prep has never felt so gloriously authoritarian. Let the hunger games begin.
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