Enter Samuel Kitchen, the one-man army tirelessly marching in defense of his hero, HWA. Some readers get rather testy and wonder why anyone bothers giving these raving lunatics any airtime. The answer is simple: these characters are the current face of Armstrongism.
Case in point: Samuel Kitchen is currently galavanting around Italy after Satan himself thwarted his grand desire to be in Jordan for the Days of Unleavened Bread. In classic Armstrongist fashion, Satan emerges as the most powerful entity in their theology—capable of derailing God's plans, blocking the return of Jesus, and generally making a nuisance of himself on a cosmic scale.
Undeterred by this satanic travel disruption, Kitchen has been busy revealing even more profound insights. He now claims a direct lineage back to Joseph of Arimathea, the great-uncle of Jesus Christ on His mother's side. Apparently this ancient bloodline (combined with the Hebrew origins of the "Kitchen" family name) makes him special and sets him apart for some magnificent work that no one else can accomplish—work that will most certainly not be revived by him.
In his own words (lightly edited for clarity while preserving the spirit):
Jesus Christ said in Matthew 5:14-16: ‘Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid. Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house. Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.’So we see in Zechariah 4 a candlestick, and in Zechariah 5 a bushel, or basket. Remember, in Zechariah 1, the spirit of Satan and his demons made it possible that no man may lift up his head! That is, to place the light under a basket!Those doing the work of God stood up and let their light shine before men, and lifted up Jesus Christ by placing the light on a candlestick! The Worldwide Church of God! It is to glorify God! That is why I made mention of purchasing the Ambassador Auditorium—to glorify God! To place our light on the candlestick, not under a basket!Now remember, Satan is wicked. And Satan is cast out (Zechariah 3:2), just as those four horns are frayed and cast out (Zechariah 1:21), just as Satan is cast out of heaven (Rev. 12:9). This ephah in Zechariah 5 has wickedness cast into it! Now remember the ephah is the worldwide curse! So Satan or wickedness is cast forth into the world. And Babylon rises up!Those of the Church who are cast out are cast out to the outer court of the Temple, to be trampled by the gentile government of Satan during the tribulation! That is the woman in the ephah—those who decided to put the light of Christ under a bushel! Into some other group! Or into their own household.So Zechariah 5 is describing the destruction of these COG groups and their implication with helping Babylon, and the preserving of God’s Philadelphia elect, who place their light on the Philadelphia candlesticks—which is the Worldwide Church of God—rather than stifle God’s Holy Spirit by joining one of these groups who have falsely sworn by His name and who have stolen from the House of God...Why am I in Rome? I have been sent to the nations who have spoiled this Church! And I am the only one declaring to the COG groups to REPENT AND COME OUT OF HER, and to be the Worldwide Church of God! Jesus Christ is restoring the Worldwide Church of God! Behold the Branch! Behold the Chief Cornerstone, Jesus Christ!
Kitchen further identifies himself with the biblical figure Sheshbazzar (whom he equates with Zerubbabel), the man tasked with returning the temple vessels and laying the foundation of God's house. He ties this neatly to his own supposed descent from Joseph of Arimathea and positions himself as the modern-day restorer:
Who is this Sheshbazzar? ... So Zerubbabel is Sheshbazzar! ...The ‘Kitchen’ family name is actually Hebrew. I can trace my lineage back to Joseph of Arimathea, who is the great uncle of Jesus Christ on His mother’s side. The house of HEN.
Like every good Church of God false leader before him, Kitchen wastes no time setting himself up as the latest Zerubbabel. Never has a religious movement had so many self-appointed Zerubbabels running around. Who needs just one when you can have hundreds? Clearly God is powerless without this endless parade of divinely appointed dupes.
But the revelations don't stop there. Kitchen has also been divinely commissioned to witness against the Great Whore of Babylon—the very entity he claims had Herbert W. Armstrong murdered to clear the way for the "man of sin." From his perch in Italy, the "land of the north" where the Daughter of Babylon (Rome) resides, he declares:
So now I am in Italy... The Daughter of Babylon is up in Rome. And God has sent me to this nation. Notice Zechariah 2:8-9: ‘For thus saith the Lord of hosts; After the glory hath he sent me unto the nations which spoiled you...’ This is the entire prophecy of Revelation against Mystery Babylon the Great! Who touched the saints of God? Who is drunken with the blood of the saints? Where did Paul die?God is saying this nation spoiled the Church. Scattered them, so that our HEAD could not be lifted up and therefore surpass their vicar! That’s why Herbert W. Armstrong died! To get him out of the way so the man of Sin could stand up! But we are standing up lifting up our Head, the Chief Cornerstone, Jesus Christ...
In the grand theater of Armstrongism, Samuel Kitchen’s Italian adventure stands as a masterpiece of delusional grandeur: a self-proclaimed descendant of Jesus’ great-uncle, battling an omnipotent Satan in Rome, while single-handedly restoring the “true” Worldwide Church of God that nobody else seems to want. One can only marvel at the sheer audacity—claiming royal Hebrew blood, accusing the Catholic Church of assassinating HWA, and positioning himself as the lone voice crying “come out of her” while wandering around Europe like a budget-rate Zerubbabel on a divine sightseeing tour.
The brutal truth is this: if this is what “God’s restored work” looks like in 2026, then Herbert Armstrong didn’t just build a church—he accidentally invented the world’s most efficient lunatic factory. Congratulations, gentlemen. You’ve taken one aging narcissist’s vanity project and turned it into a clown car stuffed with dozens of competing Zerubbabels, each more unhinged than the last. The light they claim to shine so brightly doesn’t illuminate God’s truth; it merely exposes how thoroughly the whole pathetic enterprise has rotted from the head down. Keep marching, Samuel. Somewhere out there, Satan is still laughing.
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