Beware the Birthday Cake: Armstrongism’s Latest Lesson in How to Ruin Normal Life

 

Beware the Birthday Cake: Armstrongism's Latest Lesson in How to Ruin Normal Life

If you needed another exhibit in the museum of why Armstrongism (and its endless COG splinters) is bad for the human soul, look no further than the latest Bob Thiel piece warning that birthdays and Halloween are basically Satan's greatest hits. The argument, in short: a former warlock says Halloween is "cheating on God," Anton LaVey ranked birthdays as the highest Satanic holiday, a couple of wicked kings threw bad parties in the Bible, and some early church writers frowned. Therefore, real Christians must avoid cake and candy lest they accidentally join the forces of darkness. This is not discernment. This is legalistic claptrap that trains people to treat ordinary family joy like a spiritual landmine. For those who haven't followed the source material: the piece leans heavily on John Ramirez, a former high-ranking participant in occult practices (Santeria and related spiritualist circles) who grew up in the Bronx. He has described involvement from roughly age 8 to 35, including claims of demonic ceremonies, animal blood, sacrifices, a "mark of the beast," a demonic wedding on Halloween, and rising to high ranks as a warlock. He later converted, became a Pentecostal-style evangelist focused on deliverance and spiritual warfare, and wrote books such as Destroying Fear. In a 2019 Fox News interview, he argued that because he knows the dark side of Halloween from the inside, Christians who dress up or participate are essentially cheating on God. Satanists don't show up for Good Friday, so why should Christians show up for October 31? His personal story of trauma, fear, and escape is real and worth hearing. Turning it into a universal ban on seasonal fun for every believer is not. The "Satanists do it, so you can't" fallacy This is the article's central engine, and it is pure guilt by association. Anton LaVey's Satanic Bible does call one's own birthday the highest holiday in that system (followed by Walpurgisnacht and Halloween), because their philosophy centers the self as god. The modern Church of Satan treats holidays as optional and low-ritual. So what? Bad people also eat food, use electricity, speak English, and mark anniversaries. Their ranking does not rewrite the practice for everyone else. If the standard is "the devil's side does something, therefore Christians must never do it," then clear your calendar of almost everything and prepare for a very quiet existence. Intent and context matter. A parent celebrating that a child was born is not performing a blood rite or declaring themselves divine. Birthdays are not forbidden The Bible records two clear birthday feasts: Pharaoh's (Genesis 40) and Herod's (Matthew 14). Both are stories of wicked rulers doing wicked things. That does not create a general prohibition any more than one drunken wedding bans marriage. Job's sons held family feasts "each on his day" (Job 1:4) with no condemnation attached. There is no command against marking the day someone entered the world. Josephus notes that Jewish custom avoided birth festivals partly to discourage excess drinking and to prioritize education and sobriety. Origen, writing in the third century, observed that only sinners like Pharaoh and Herod are recorded celebrating birthdays and suggested cursing the day in light of his views on original sin. He is one voice reacting against pagan and imperial customs, not the voice of apostolic Christianity or a binding rule. Most early Christian literature is simply silent on personal birthdays; the church had other priorities. Astrology is condemned. Celebrating a life is not the same thing. Halloween is not a mandatory pact with demons Halloween's history is mixed, as is true of many calendar customs. It has roots in the Celtic seasonal festival of Samhain (marking the end of harvest and the darker half of the year, with beliefs about a thinner boundary to the dead). Over centuries it overlapped with Christian observances: All Hallows' Eve, the night before All Saints' Day (November 1), and All Souls' Day. The precise historical relationship between the Celtic festival and the Christian date is debated by scholars-some see deliberate Christianization of existing customs, others note that the November date for All Saints has its own Roman and Western Christian development. Modern American Halloween for the vast majority of participants is secular: costumes, candy, community events, and kids collecting sweets. It is not ritual worship of Samhain, LaVey, or anything else unless someone chooses to make it so. Ramirez's point that Satanists value the night is true for some, just as some people treat Christmas or Easter in purely commercial or irreligious ways. That does not force every costume or bowl of candy into the category of spiritual adultery. New Covenant Christians live under the finished work of Christ, not a revived Mosaic or early-church purity code on days. Colossians 2:16-17 is direct: let no one judge you in questions of food, drink, festivals, new moons, or sabbaths-these are a shadow. Romans 14 gives the same freedom: one person regards one day above another; another regards every day alike. Each should be fully convinced in their own mind. Handing out candy or letting children wear costumes is not "cheating on God" any more than using the names of months that once had pagan associations. If the activity involves actual occult practice, avoid it. Ordinary fun does not require that. Why this keeps damaging people Armstrongism (and groups that still treat Herbert Armstrong's extra-biblical rules as binding) specialized in turning ordinary life into a loyalty test. Birthdays, holidays, and dozens of other customs became markers of the "true church" versus the world. The practical result was not deeper holiness. It was isolated kids, family tension, constant guilt over normal joys, and a focus on what you don't do instead of the fruit of the Spirit, love of neighbor, and the grace that sets people free. HWA himself framed the birthday rule as a general principle he set in the church, not a clear biblical command. That is the pattern: elevate a preference or a historical caution into "God's way," then use it to police people. New Covenant Christians do not need this. We are free in Christ. Celebrate a birthday as a thankful recognition of life if you want. Skip Halloween if you prefer. Or hand out candy and enjoy the absurd costumes. None of it is a salvation issue, and none of it requires bowing to LaVey, Ramirez's past, or Armstrongist legalism. The real threat to the soul is the fear-based system that treats cake and candy as evidence of spiritual compromise while ignoring the finished work of the cross. Eat the cake. Or don't. Just stop pretending the devil owns the calendar. Silent Pilgrim