BETRAYAL! Broken Promises, Satanic Attacks, Failed Ordination, Balaam's Wages, FIlthy Lucre, Plus A Topless Woman!

One would think that after decades of being marinated in the fragrant stew of Armstrongism and the Churches of God, absolutely nothing could still make us choke on our herbal teas and Postum "coffees". Fifteen years running this blog, plus all those glorious seasons assisting Gavin Rumney with his, and we’re supposedly unshockable. Bulletproof. Seen it all, from splintering splinters to apostles who think “Joshua the High Priest” is their personal cosplay. Yet somehow these people still manage to innovate new levels of ridiculous. Who knew the one true end-time church—restored with perfect government and doctrine straight from the throne of God Himself—could keep serving up fresh chaos like it’s an all-you-can-eat buffet of dysfunction?

But of course it can. Because why wouldn’t it?

Enter stage left: Samuel Kitchen, self-appointed end-time restorer of the once-mighty Worldwide Church of God. In his noble, totally-not-delusional quest to resurrect the corpse of Herbert W.’s empire, Samuel will apparently try anything. Anything at all.

Cue the latest plot twist: a former minister and writer from David C. Pack’s traveling circus (you know, the Restored Church of God, where “restored” apparently means “we’ll change the prophecy timeline again next week while taking all of your money”) reaches out to Samuel. This gentleman, one Jonathan Dicen, expresses a burning desire to join the Great WCG Revival™. And because Dicen claims he was ordained back in the sacred days of the actual Worldwide Church of God, that’s apparently all the vetting Samuel needs. Credentials? Who needs ’em! Discernment? Never heard of her!

Naturally, Dicen graciously bestows upon Samuel the divine apostolic authority to start collecting tithes and offerings. Translation: “Hey kid, here’s a bucket, go shake down the widows for me.” Most of us smelled that scam from orbit, but Samuel? Samuel swallowed it whole and asked for seconds. Though, to his credit, he did hesitate… for about five seconds before accepting the sacred money-collecting mantle. Gotta save up for that glorious day when Aaron Dean finally sees the light, denounces UCG, and comes home to the one true remnant, right?

And then, in a shocking twist literally no one on planet Earth saw coming (except everyone), Dicen offered to ordain Samuel as a minister. Wow. Ordination via random ex-Packite on the internet. Truly, the biblical pattern was restored.

Fast-forward a few days. Satan, clearly bored and in need of entertainment, cranks the drama dial to eleven. Dicen announces he’s jumping ship to another group that’s willing to pay him better. Samuel is shocked—shocked!—to discover that loyalty in Armstrongism is negotiable when cash is involved. Betrayal! Treachery! How could this happen in God’s one true church?

As if that weren’t enough, the Devil personally launches a full-scale assault on poor Samuel’s health, landing him in the hospital multiple times in just a few days. Because obviously, when a shady ordination deal falls apart, the only logical explanation is that Satan himself is rattled by Samuel’s mighty work of restoration.

Truly, brethren, we’ve never seen anything like this before. Except literally every other week for the last forty years. 

Keep the faith, folks. Or whatever’s left of it after this latest episode.

Samuel writes:

ANNOUNCEMENT!!!

Dear brethren,

When Jonathan Dicen, a minister in the Philippines, approached me, we talked about shared values, and how God says that “two cannot walk together unless they be in agreement”(Amos 3:3).

We had agreed we would walk together moving forward in Christ.

He told me he felt God was reviving the work of the Worldwide Church of God and he wanted to be a part of it, and revive the work there in the Philippines.

He also saw the need for tithes and offerings to be collected in accordance to God’s tithing law. I was not an ordained minister, so have not been able to receive nor handle any tithes and offerings, and Mr Dicen wanted to remedy that. So he “authorized” me to receive tithes and offerings. I published this authorization at his request.

Mr Dicen seems to me to be a very friendly man. I have chatted with him, and talked on the phone with him two times.

This last phone call, he relayed to me how he had been recontacted by another group, hired, and would be included in another group and he would no longer be joining with us and the Worldwide Church of God.

This broke his word to me. We had promised to walk together through thick and thin, through good times and bad times.

He was offered a “better payroll”, so he has decided to step away.  

 

In the Churches of God it’s never been about Jesus, prophecy, or owning church buildings—nope! It’s always been about the real god they truly worship: Money. Cash. Filthy lucre. Cold, hard tithe checks and offerings. 

Because nothing screams “Philadelphian love” quite like obsessively milking widows and poorer members while the ministry upgrades to a newer Lexus. Truly, the love of money isn’t the root of all evil in Armstrongism—it’s the entire tree, the orchard, and the gift shop at the entrance. 

Herbert himself taught us that the Work™ needed your money yesterday, and his spiritual heirs have been faithfully carrying on that sacred tradition ever since. Praise be to the Almighty Dollar—may its value never fluctuate before second and third tithe is due!

I removed my post on our website(worldwidechurchofgod.org) concerning Mr Dicen and tithes and offerings.

I am not surprised at how things came about, but I did step out in faith trusting and asking God to reveal to me who this man was, how trustworthy he is, and whether he is walking with God or not.

I announced his involvement, the authorization and expansion of the work into the Philippines, at his request. He wanted me to send him monthly money to help the work in the Philippines, and he also talked about ordination, as he said it would resolve many problems I have with detractors.

I am not interested in becoming a minister. God is in charge of that. I full support the true ministers, but please brethren beware of wolves in sheep’s clothing, who come along looking like ministers of righteousness.

This appears to been about money and payroll m, and Mr.Dicen accepted the better offer from another group, breaking his word with me, before God and Jesus Christ, and since it was made public it was set before the entire church(at least those who paid attention).

People warned Samuel that Dicen was not on the up and up, including his own brother Timothy. 

I held him accountable, but I also should not have announced his inclusion without finding more knowledge about him. But I did take to prayer when I originally posted, telling God that I can only take people for what they say, I cannot force them or coerce them to do what is right. But since Mr Dicen gave me his word, I held him accountable before everyone.

Now it is sad for me to say, he is no longer walking with us, and has broken his promise.

I trusted in Jesus Christ our head to make things known. He is in complete control of His Church. I trust people too much, but I also want to give people a chance to do the right thing. And so I may appear to be an easy mark, someone to be easily taken advantage of, but my focus is to look to Jesus Christ and be ready to respond zealously and fearlessly.

People can hurt me. I am used to it. I am just saddened to lose trust with someone I was so eager to build truth with, especially when someone comes to you claiming to be a fellow member and brother in Jesus Christ.

But prayers have been answered!!!!!  

 

Oh noes! 

Jonathan Dicen has officially been MARKED, disfellowshipped, and publicly severed from the one true Worldwide Church of God (restored edition, Samuel Kitchen proprietor)! 

Quick, someone sound the shofar and update the master spreadsheet—another dangerous heretic has been dramatically excommunicated from a church that consists of like nine people and a Facebook group! Truly a devastating blow to the Work™. 

How will the end-time restoration ever survive now that a random ex-Packite who lasted all of two weeks has been cast into the outer darkness? Brethren, avert your eyes! Do not even think about speaking to this man!

The Philadelphia remnant remains pure. 

And Jesus Christ INTERVEENED on our behalf as our Good Shepherd. And I now have to publicly sever full connection with Mr Jonathan Dicen.

His actions has caused doubt and confusion for those weak in the faith, and now I have to explain why he is no longer going to be with us.

He still wants me to come to the Philippines, to be ordained into the ministry. I respectfully decline. No. This was not of Jesus Christ! I am not seeking after an office in the ministry. And if Jesus Christ wants me ordained the job will get done by a man authorized by Jesus Christ. When one is so easily swayed by a paycheck, then hirelings hire hirelings. I’m not for sale.

While I appreciate the friendliness, I don’t appreciate the name of God being besmirched because one could not toe the line and not be swayed by balaam’s wages. How much is a red bowl of soup?

So please mark well, his separation. He does not desire it, but I will step forward and now announce it. He is no longer associated with us.

Que the Satanic attack: 

When he first came to me, I went to fast and pray about it. I came down sick and have been in and out of hospitals for the last 3-4 weeks!

It turns out problems that already existed was working against me, but the doctors couldn’t figure out why I was sick and near death’s door! Satan can spiritually CHARGE things where that is the only logical explanation for being that sick. It was keeping me from studying, from listening to sermons, from prayer on my knees as I was battling a fever all the time.

When I ended up in the hospital this last Friday, I couldn’t get church services listed on the website because I was away from my computer in a hospital bed, but I had time to sit up and pray and Bible study and I had a very rewarding Sabbath day! Now I am feeling much better, and now Satan seems to be withdrawing and fleeing. 

 

Note, Satan seems to be fleeing (praise be! miracles do happen!), but don’t pop the Manashevitz quit yet.

Cue the topless woman temptation, because obviously the Devil’s master plan to derail God’s one true end-time restoration involves... strategic nudity. Truly cutting-edge spiritual warfare. How will our brave Elijah-in-training ever resist the ancient and unbeatable snare of... checks notes... women's boobs? Quick, someone fetch the emergency anointing oil and a modestly sized bath towel! The fate of the entire Work™ hangs on whether Samuel can keep his eyes on the Kingdom instead of whatever Beelzebub just sent to his door.

Stay strong, soldier. You’ve survived hospital visits, betrayal by a money-hungry opportunist, and now this ultimate test. We always knew the final hurdle before the Wonderful World Tomorrow would be bare boobs. 

Classic Satan. 

So original.

My neighbor next door, banged on my front door this morning and when I opened she was topless, which I didn’t appreciate, and she began to tell me how loud the voices from my apartment was!

I was alone and I heard no such voices! I explained that maybe it was the tv.

She was stoned and high as a kite, but it seemed to be the cherry on top. Satan and his demons were attacking. I went back inside and began praying asking God to remove the demons, because they were stirring up my neighbors for the reason of possible expulsion from my apartment! That is the only reason i can see why such a thing was occurring to her. Now maybe she heard loud voices coming up from the apartment beneath hers thinking it was me, but she was inspired nevertheless to accuse me falsely of it. That is how demons work.

And now Christ has intervened and protected us from association with the wrong people. I’m sorry for getting hopes high. I had my hopes raised, because i have wanted the work to expand and expand with God’s good blessings. He will and HE IS, but in His own way and timing.

This experience has taught me something about some tactics Satan uses. I was already aware of them, but I wanted to believe this was not the case.

I trusted God and God came through in the end. Many people may cling to us along the way, we cannot judge them for wanting to be with us, but as soon as their fruits are born, we must stand with Jesus Christ.

So no I won’t be going to the Philippines. I won’t be ordained by Mr Dicen. I am rejecting the authority he said he “gave t me” concerning receiving tithes and offerings, but that was deceitful given in order for him to receive money through me. Please do NOT send me nor Me Dicen any tithes and offerings. If any arrive at my address, I will quickly return to sender.

Thank you for your prayers. It seemed too good to be true, but it shall not deter me from looking and trusting in Jesus Christ. Mr Dicen will be held accountable by Christ. Please pray for him, but please beware of him according to Bible command.

In Jesus Christ’s name

Samuel Kitchen 

 

And there you have it, folks—the latest thrilling installment in the never-ending soap opera that is Armstrongism in 2025.

A deluded, yet I think sincere “restorer” gets love-bombed by a mercenary ex-Pack minister, handed a tithe bucket, offered a mail-order ordination, then dramatically betrayed the moment a better paycheck appeared on the horizon. 

Cue the emergency disfellowshipping, the emergency hospital visits, and—of course—the emergency topless woman deployed personally by Satan to try and finish off the one true church.

Yet somehow, through it all, the Philadelphia remnant remains as pure, persecuted, and penniless as ever.

So fear not, dear readers. The end-time Work™ marches on—smaller, louder, and more absurd than ever. Satan may send his topless agents, his false ministers, and his mysterious illnesses, but he’ll never defeat the unassailable truth that God’s real church is wherever the last three diehards are still arguing about 1975 prophecy updates and who gets to keep the tithe envelope this week.

Until the next betrayal, the next “miraculous healing,” and the next emergency Facebook manifesto… keep the faith, protect your wallet, and for the love of all that is holy, stay clothed.