Crackpot Prophet: If You Are A Baptist You Need To Repent And Join The Improperly Named "continuing" Church of "god"

 

The Trail of Blood - Baptist History

Isn’t it utterly breathtaking? Here we are, trembling in awe before the most glorious prophet ever dreamed into existence—literally dreamed, because that’s how God apparently rolls these days—flung down from the heavens in the latter days just to enlighten us poor, stupid humanity and show us the One True Path™. Bow your heads, peasants; we are not worthy!

Behold, the most theologically and historically impeccable prophet ever to be squeezed out of the Catholic Church and into the Church of God, marinated in the Armstrongist Church of God movement, and finally birthed in a fit of rebellion because Rod Meredith ignored him, is here on this sunny California afternoon amid the scent of patchouli and orange blossoms, gracing us once more with his profound knowledge.

This time, armed with rock-solid theology he absorbed at the feet of Herbert W. Armstrong (and later polished in that legendary double-wide trailer in India), our hero has decided to pick a fight with… the Baptists. Yes, those Baptists—those notorious heretics who dare to have a more coherent, documented church history stretching back centuries (complete with actual records of Seventh Day Baptists in Rhode Island) than the fairy-dust trail of “true church” myths the Crackpot Prophet and his COG buddies keep flinging at the wall to justify their existence. But sure, tell us again how the Baptists are the ones who got it wrong.

Naturally, our illustrious Crackpot Bob thunders that the Baptists must immediately repent, devour his photocopied pamphlets and Amazon published "books", acknowledge they’re nothing but degenerate Protestants, and rush to join the one true church—currently headquartered in a charming little brick bolthole in scenic Grover Beach, California (population: basically Bob and several thousand bottles of over priced holoistic remedies).

Truly, the end times are upon us. How ever did we survive without this beacon of prophetic clarity?

The Bob-sey twins are here to set the Baptists straight:

The Truth About Baptist History 

 

Some in the denominational faith of the Baptist religion claim continuity and obedience to Christ from even before the foundation of the church at Pentecost. But is their claim valid? If their claim is that they practice baptism then, yes, their claim is valid. But what about obedience and doctrine? Does the Baptist faith believe what Jesus believed? Does the Baptist faith do what Jesus did? But does the claim to continuity merely require baptism while adhering to doctrines never practiced or taught by Jesus Christ or the apostles or the church founded on Pentecost? Hardly. What is the real history of the Baptist faith as chronicled by some leading scholars and practitioners of that faith? What are the beliefs they really practice? Were some who they claim to be their spiritual ancestors have actually been Church of God? Could the Baptist faith be classified as simply another belief system related to the Protestant movement? Is there a faithful group with apostolic succession? Watch this video and listen as Dr. Thiel shines the light of Biblical knowledge and understanding on the faith and practices of the early church. The time is at hand. 

 

And so, dear Baptists, there is obviously only one solution to save your doomed souls: immediately repent of your centuries-long foolishness, binge-read every last page of Crackpot Bob’s Xeroxed masterpieces, and humbly defect to the One True Faith™.

Do this quickly, and you might—just might—earn the coveted early-morning phone call inviting you to flee to the Place of Safety™ (Petra, Pella, or whichever God-forsaken Jordanian dust-bowl Bwana Bob is vibing with this week). There, for three-and-a-half glorious years, you’ll enjoy nonstop bliss while being lectured daily by the prophet himself on why you were so very, very wrong about literally everything.

Truly, what more could any sinner ask for? Sign-up forms are in the foyer of the little brick building in Grover Beach and operators are standing by - 1.800.423.4444.

The late Herbert W. Armstrong pointed out:

The … CHURCH OF GOD … is in direct continuous succession from the apostolic Church founded by Christ A.D. 31 (Armstrong HW. Why The Church? Good News, August 14, 1978) 

 

The true Church continued, a tiny “little flock,” almost unnoticed by the world … (Armstrong HW. The Church They Couldn’t Destroy. Good News, December 1981) 

So, if you are Baptist (or any other non-Church of God faith), I urge you to be like the Bereans of old (Acts 17:10-11) and search the scriptures (as well as facts about church history) to see if these things are so.