God's greatest gift to the church (after Bob Thiel, of course) is Samuel Kitchen—the self-appointed restorer of the last true remnant of the Worldwide Church of God, just did a video broadcast straight from what appears to be a red-curtain bacchanal in one of those trailers at Stateline behind the casinos on your way to Vegas (or is that the official “ripped-off photo from Pasadena headquarters from the 1980s?). And what a fashion statement our new fearless end-time watchman was as he heralded in the imminent Beast system! Red shirt to symbolize the scarlet beast and black suspenders to symbolize its two horns.
Yes, brethren. Nothing says “I am the sole authorized spokesman of the New and Improved Worldwide Church of God, holder of the sacred name, collector of tithes, owner of the greatest aggregator of COG literature since Ron Stephens, and sole possessor of the official COG decoder ring for the Bible, quite like dressing like a 1950s short-order cook on Route 66.
In this latest prophetic masterpiece titled “Donald Trump…Future Beast?” (59 whole views and counting!), our suspendered sage continues his noble quest of recycling Herbert W. Armstrong’s greatest hits—British-Israelism, Germany-as-Assyria, place of safety in Petra, the whole dusty catalog—except now he’s improvising. Apparently the classic “man from Germany” Assyrian plot twist is getting a little stale, so why not pivot mid-sentence and declare that the Beast might actually be…Donald Trump?
Half-German, half-whatever, building a great economy, auditing the nation like a cosmic receiver, and preparing to be possessed by Satan for a tidy 3½ years.
Brilliant.
Decades of meticulous Armstrongist charts proving the Beast rises from a United States of Europe just got yeeted into the Iowa cornfields because one man in suspenders had a new revelation while blabbering in front of the beastly red curtain.
The Worldwide Church of God “fell into the hands of apostates,” you see, so only Samuel can now properly warn the world that looking “across the pond” for the Beast is so 1986. Look in the backyard instead! Or the Oval Office! Or wherever the algorithm points next week!
Truly the cutting edge of 21st-century prophecy. Dave Pack, Bob Thiel and Gerald Flurry are shaking in their boots right now.
2 comments:
Eat ya heart out Bob Thiel. So Trump is the man. Hmmmmmm…….Thought it was Frankie Joey Strauss lol. But he passed from the scene. Damn krauts. This news may make the Democrats a shoe in for the midterms in November. Even MAGA folk will vote blue this election cycle. And Samuel deserves to be on Fox News and CNN and good old auntie BBC. I’m sure Sam won’t be getting any invites to the WH now. Be great entertainment to see Sam and Bobby Thiel debate these heavy issues lol.
Well I can see what Kitchen see's now, he looking at it the way the JWs are looking at it. But then he could flip back to the HWA model. These are the two viewpoints:
https://youtu.be/0LCaNSOM4Jk
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