Ronald Weinland: Armstrongism’s Clown Prince of Epic Prophetic Faceplants and First COG Leader to be Sent to Prison

Ronald Weinland is living proof that in the wacky world of Armstrongism, you can be spectacularly wrong about everything, live like a mini-tycoon on other people’s tithes, go to prison, call yourself a prophet, and still lead a Church of God. This guy didn’t just fail — he failed with Olympic-level commitment.

Born in 1949, Weinland slurped up Herbert W. Armstrong’s doomsday stew in 1969, became a WCG minister, then bailed when the main church started acting less culty. He bounced to the United Church of God before launching his own little kingdom in 1998: the Church of God – Preparing for the Kingdom of God (COG-PKG). Because nothing says “God’s true remnant” like starting yet another tiny splinter group with you at the top.

The Two Witnesses: Him and His Wife (Obviously)

In his 2006 masterpiece 2008 – God’s Final Witness, Weinland declared that he and his wife Laura were the Two Witnesses of Revelation 11. You know, the super-powered prophets who breathe fire, kill enemies, die in Jerusalem, and resurrect after three and a half days. Laura got the fancy title of “prophetess.” In practice, she was mostly the “quietly standing there prophetess.” How convenient.

Nepotism? What Nepotism?

Weinland turned the church into a full-blown family jobs program. In 2010 he ordained a bunch of new elders, including his daughter Audra (church bookkeeper) and his then-24-year-old son Jeremy. Nothing suspicious about putting your kids on the payroll and controlling the financial spreadsheets, while telling followers the world is ending and they should send more money. Totally normal Church of God prophet behavior.

Diamond Rings and the Lavish Lifestyle

While screaming that the world was about to collapse, Ron and Laura were out buying diamond rings like it was Black Friday at Jareds. Court records showed multiple jewelry shopping sprees with Audra in tow. Supposedly, when the economy crashed and money was not worth anything, they could use these diamonds to bribe their way into Jerusalem and elsewhere. Church money paid for a big house, endless travel, and security systems. But sure, brethren, keep those tithes coming so the Two Witnesses can rock some serious bling.

The Ideacity Debacle (Among Many)

In the glittering world of big ideas and TED-style enlightenment, few spectacles could match the glorious mismatch of 2009’s Ideacity conference. There, amid visionaries and futurists, strode Ronald Weinland—a self-anointed apostle, prophet, and one-half of the biblical Two Witnesses. Fresh from publishing books that promised the global economy would crumble in 2008 and that nuclear trumpets would soon herald the end of days, Weinland took the stage like a man confidently selling beachfront property in the Book of Revelation. With a straight face and zero hint of irony, he laid out his timeline for humanity’s fiery finale, apparently unaware that some of his boldest 2008 predictions had already quietly face-planted.

The audience, expecting provocative thought experiments rather than doomsday fan fiction, reacted with the polite Canadian version of stunned silence mixed with muffled snickering. Weinland’s big moment as the internet’s favorite end-times evangelist didn’t exactly set the room on fire—unless you counted the slow burn of secondhand embarrassment. Reports suggest the prophet was so unimpressed by the comedian who followed him that he made an early exit, perhaps to go recalculate his next revised date for Christ’s return. In the end, Ideacity didn’t launch Weinland to prophetic stardom. Instead, it became a punchline for critics: proof that even in the marketplace of ideas, some stalls sell nothing but expired prophecies. And yet, true to form, Weinland’s small band of believers kept the faith, demonstrating once again that cognitive dissonance is one hell of a resilient spiritual gift.

Failed Prophecies

Weinland’s prophecy batting average is a perfect 0.000:

• April 17, 2008: Two Witnesses ministry begins. First trumpet sounds. Cities get nuked. (Crickets.)
• June 2008: If nothing happens by Pentecost, he’s a false prophet. (Spoiler: nothing happened.)
• December 14, 2008: Okay, now the first trumpet starts (spiritually, of course).
• September 29, 2011: Jesus returns!

• May 27, 2012: No, wait — Jesus returns now!
• May 2013: Final final date. Or maybe it’s a “thousand years is a day” thing. Just keep waiting, guys.

Every single date sailed by without so much as a divine fart. Weinland’s response? Spiritualize it, move the goalposts, blame God for showing “mercy,” and keep collecting offerings. 

Classic. Ron must have taught Bob Thiel how to be a prophet.

First COG Felon Leader: Tax Evasion Edition (Now With Extra Irony)

This part is pure gold. While breathlessly warning the world about nuclear fire, divine wrath, and the total collapse of civilization, Weinland was secretly squirreling away $4.4 million in unreported church income — including cozy little Swiss bank accounts. Apparently, the Two Witnesses needed offshore tax havens to survive the end times.

In 2012, a federal jury took a leisurely but prophetic 3 1/2 hours to see through the nonsense and convict him on five counts of tax evasion. Boom — 42 months in federal prison, a nice fat fine (a deliberate prophetic sentence by the judge of 3 1/2 years), and over $245,000 in restitution. Mr. “I’m God’s Prophet” had to self-surrender to Terre Haute Federal Correctional Institution in 2013 like a common grifter.

Congratulations, Ron. You did it. You became the first major Church of God splinter-group leader in history to serve time as a convicted felon. In a movement already overflowing with kooks, failed prophets, and con artists, you managed to hit a new low. Truly, the Mount Everest of embarrassing legacies. While your followers were selling their stuff and waiting for the apocalypse, you were playing “hide the tithe money” like a budget-level televangelist who got caught.

The Real Danger: Why This Fraud Is Poison to Real Christians

Here’s the blunt truth: Ronald Weinland is a straight-up spiritual predator who endangers real Christians by dragging them into a toxic cult of personality built on lies. He steals their money, wastes their lives on endless false deadlines, and isolates them from actual biblical Christianity while he and his family live high on the hog. Every failed prophecy doesn’t just embarrass him — it crushes sincere believers, leaves families broke and broken, and mocks the genuine hope of Christ’s return. This convicted felon isn’t “preparing for the Kingdom of God.” He’s building a personal piggy bank and calling it prophecy. Real Christians don’t follow ex-cons who can’t get a single date right. They follow Jesus. Weinland is Exhibit A of why the Bible warns about false prophets: stay far away, or you’ll lose your faith, your finances, and your future to a grifter who already proved he belongs behind bars, not behind a pulpit.

Silent Pilgrim

Fred Coulter: Meet the Man, the Myth, the Bump-Reader Extraordinaire

 

Oh, gather 'round for the epic tale of Fred R. Coulter and his scrappy little Christian Biblical Church of God (CBCG)—the Armstrongist splinter that's basically "Herbert W. Armstrong’s Greatest Hits: Director’s Cut Edition, Now With Phrenology, Calendar Upgrades, and Fred Fixing the Bible That the King James Translators Were Too Stupid to Understand.!"

Meet the Man, the Myth, the Bump-Reader Extraordinaire

Fred R. Coulter, proud Ambassador College grad (theology BA, 1964), got ordained in 1965 and dutifully pastored WCG flocks across the U.S. Then, in a stunning 1979 pre-Tkach power move, he dramatically resigned with a “Call to Repentance” sermon, sounding the alarm on all those “sinful practices.” What a prophet! (Or just the guy who jumped ship early.) 

By 1983, armed with a magnificent core group of seven whole believers plus himself, he founded CBCG in Hollister, California. Decades later, he’s still the president, chief sermonizer, book-peddler (Restoring the Original Bible, etc.), and all-around restorer of “original Christianity.” They reach “thousands” online and through tiny scattered fellowships. Truly inspiring... if “thousands” in a sea of aging, fragmenting Armstrongist groups counts as a booming success. 

Armstrongism 2.0: Now With Extra Pseudoscience and Bible Redos!

Classic package: Sabbath, Holy Days (Fred’s special “corrected” Hebrew calendar edition, because God’s original timing needed a tune-up), binitarian God-family theology, gentle tithing nudges, and that cozy “we’re the tiny elite flock while everyone else is apostate” glow. They wisely ditched the brutal top-down hierarchy (lessons learned from WCG’s spectacular crash) for local elders and “voluntary” vibes. So humble. So not-a-cult. 

But wait—there’s more! Fred’s signature flair includes a documented soft spot for phrenology—that gloriously outdated 19th-century party trick of feeling skull bumps to diagnose character defects and spiritual oopsies. Because what better way to restore first-century Christianity than by channeling Victorian quack doctors? Nothing says “apostolic purity” like giving congregants a cranial exam instead of, you know, just praying or opening the actual Bible. 

And then there’s the pièce de résistance: Fred had to redo the entire Bible because those poor, bumbling King James translators were apparently too dim to get it right. Those 1611 scholars with their “thee”s and “thou”s just couldn’t handle the job, so Brother Coulter stepped in like the theological superhero we didn’t know we needed. Behold—The Holy Bible In Its Original Order: A Faithful Version! He reordered all the books to his preferred “original” sequence, translated everything fresh from the Hebrew and Greek (with a little help), and clarified all those “problematic passages” the KJV idiots messed up. 

It retains the KJV’s grandeur... while quietly fixing its many errors, of course. Because nothing screams humility like one guy declaring, “Move over, centuries of scholarship—Fred’s got this.” Perfect for the group that already knows better than mainstream Christianity on pretty much everything. 

The Dangers of Signing Up for This Rapidly Shrinking Splinter Cult

If your spiritual needs include legalism, prophecy doom-scrolling, potential family rifts, and the warm fuzzy of being told you’re special while tithing into a tiny operation, CBCG could be your next adventure. Just don’t count on a thriving social scene—these Armstrong offshoots are mostly quietly graying out as members age and the internet keeps splintering the remnants. 

Standard warnings apply: isolation tendencies, “us vs. the deceived world” superiority, a works-heavy “different gospel” that critics (and many ex-members) say distorts grace, plus the usual spiritual abuse red flags. Layer on the phrenology sessions and the “I had to rewrite the Bible because everyone before me was incompetent” energy, and you’ve got a doctrine combo that’s equal parts earnest and delightfully eccentric. 

Ex-member sites highlight the control dynamics, the pressure to conform, and that perpetual feeling of never quite measuring up to Fred’s restored truth. With the group steadily shrinking like the rest of the COG diaspora, you might end up in a very intimate (read: microscopic) echo chamber as the founder advances in years. 

Pro tip: Before committing to the skull-measuring appointments and the “Fred’s Bible Only” reading plan, try some independent study. Ask yourself if true “original Christianity” really needs phrenology charts and one man’s upgraded KJV correction. The apostles somehow survived without either. Welcome to the wonderful world of COG splinters—where the doctrines are restored, the calendars are perfected, the heads are palpated, and the Bible finally gets the Fred Coulter treatment it so desperately needed. What could possibly go wrong?

Silent Pilgrim

I’m Not Like Those Other False Prophets’ Says Man Who Is Exactly Like Those Other False Prophets

Once again, Crackpot Bob—the Great Bwana Bob Mzungu, the dazzling great white Overseer of Africa, God’s most perfect and most astounding prophet to ever grace the hills of Grover Beach, CA—is throwing a full-blown prophetic hissy fit because Banned by HWA dared to post an article that associated him with other COG false prophets. How dare this lowly blog lump his divine majesty in with those other blithering idiot false prophets like Gerald Flurry, Dave Pack, Ron Weinland, and the rest of the COG’s greatest hits of grifters. The audacity! The sheer mortal insolence!

His sacred, unbreakable holy Sabbath was tragically interrupted—oh, the horror—forcing this poor persecuted prophet to actually work and respond to Silent Pilgrim’s article: Why Prominent Church of God Leaders Do Not Qualify as the Biblical Watchmen They Claim to Be. Because, naturally, like every other self-appointed COG “prophet,” there are always convenient loopholes and divine exemptions when the rules become inconvenient. Rules are for the little people.

The anti-COG Banned by HWA website has a post by an anonymous one who identifies as Silent Pilgrim. That post, correctly identifies Ronald Weinland, David Pack, & Gerald Flurry as false.

After linking to other exposés he has done on OTHER COG false prophets, he complains that Silent Pilgrim had the nerve to write this about him:

...the post at the anti-COG Banned by HWA website has the following about me:

Bob Thiel (Continuing Church of God) Thiel presents the CCOG as now delivering the end-time Ezekiel warning. He has described himself in prophetic roles (including watchman/evangelist aspects), claiming confirmation via dreams and anointing by a Living Church of God minister, Gaylyn Bonjour, in 2011 (who prayed for a “double portion” of God’s Spirit), and points to early coronavirus warnings as validation of his insight. 

Critics within the COG movement have documented multiple specific predictions that did not unfold as stated. These include detailed forecasts in his 2012 book 2012 and the Rise of the Secret Sect, regarding geopolitical sequences, church developments, U.S. reliance on Europe’s Galileo GPS system in exact ways, and certain political/military outcomes involving nations like China and Australia that required later reinterpretation when events diverged. Independent trackers (such as those on Church of God Perspective and Banned by HWA) note that Thiel’s interpretive style often mixes biblical prophecy with current events and pagan sources, leading to claims of “fulfillment” that are vague or retrofitted after the fact. 

For instance, while he correctly stated the Great Tribulation would not begin in specific years (2012–2023), his broader end-time sequences tied to those years or to his personal prophetic role have not materialized in the manner presented, resulting in shifts of emphasis to “general warnings” rather than direct “thus saith the Lord” declarations. 

When specifics fail to align precisely, the response is typically re-framing or highlighting partial alignments instead of acknowledging error—precisely the pattern Deuteronomy 18 rejects. Thiel maintains he has made “no false predictions,” but the cumulative record of unfulfilled or adjusted specifics undermines the claim of divine prophetic authority required for the watchman role.

Actually, no, critics within the COG movement have NOT documented multiple specific predictions that did not unfold as stated. Nor have I ever made any “thus saith the Lord” declarations (unless I am directly quoting the Bible). 

How terribly unfair of these critics to notice the trail of busted predictions and creative “re-interpretations.” Bwana Bob, in his infinite humility, declares that no, critics have not documented any failed predictions, and he has never made any “thus saith the Lord” statements (except when it suits him, apparently).

This is peak Thiel: the man who turned “I had a dream and got a double portion” into a full-time career, now playing the victim because people keep noticing the prophecies keep missing the mark. Other COG groups, ex-members, and independent observers have been calling him a self-appointed false prophet for years, but every reminder pops his fragile narcissistic bubble like a cheap balloon at a carnival. The horror of being held accountable must keep him up at night.

The Great Bwana then blesses us with a list of 32 “accurate” prophecies from his 2012 masterpiece. Every single one was just him cherry-picking news headlines that dozens of bloggers, analysts, and even other COG watchers had already talked about. But sure, Bob—call it divine revelation while the rest of us call it “reading the newspaper and pretending it’s revelation.”

He then delivers this masterpiece of prophetic tap-dancing:

Now the Silent Pilgrim statement, “his broader end-time sequences tied to those years or to his personal prophetic role have not materialized in the manner presented” is misleading. Why? Well, when I was in Kenya in 2017, someone in a COG came up to me and pointed out that my book had the following:

This rising up of the secret sect may well become apparent to much of the world in 2012.

He then pointed to the fact that the Continuing Church of God formally began on 28 December 2012. And that, by the way, was NOT some plan of mine when I wrote the book, nor did it happen because of the book.

Now notice that I did NOT falsely state that the rising up of the secret sect would be apparent to much of the world in 2012, only that it may, and it may still in retrospect be considered the time by the world after other events occur.

Let me add that I believe that on 28 December 2012, the final phase of the work began and the transitional phase was over.

The classic “I said may” escape hatch—the prophetic weasel word that lets you claim victory no matter what happens. “It didn’t happen… but maybe someday people will retrospectively agree I was a genius.” This isn’t prophecy; this is spiritual fan fiction with extra copium.

The Great Overseer simply cannot stand being grouped with the other COG clowns. He screams “guilt by association!” (conveniently ignoring that Jesus was accused of hanging out with sinners, not rival false prophets running the same end-times grift). My various nicknames for him—“that other global heavyweight of almost-truth, Bwana Bob Mzungu Thiel”—clearly lives rent-free in his head.

Getting back to posts at the Banned site (and not only the ‘Silent Pilgrim’ article), they seem to like to try to connect me to false prophets like David Pack, Gerald Flurry, Don Billingsley and Ron Weinland. And Gary Leonard, the webmaster at Banned by HWA, has done this repeatedly and has also referred to me as “that other global heavyweight of almost-truth, Bwana Bob Mzungu Thiel.”

Guilt by association has long been a tactic of Satan–he had his minions do that related to Jesus (Matthew 11:19; Mark 2:16; Luke 5:13). Anyway, on September 21, 2025, Gary Leonard posted the following:

No man alive in the Armstrongist churches today has ever authenticated the gospel message through signs, wonders, and miracles. None of them—including Bob Thiel and Ron Weinland— will ever do so in the future. They cannot even get a prophecy right, 

Well, that, of course is not true in the case of myself in the CCOG. 

Bwana Bob then parades more “fulfilled prophecies” that were basically just trending news banners anyone with an internet connection saw. He wraps it all up with this gem:

Jesus said that fruits were the criteria to determine true vs. false prophets (John 7:15-20). The Continuing Church of God has the true fruits.

The Bible teaches:

16 The lazy man is wiser in his own eyes

Than seven men who can answer sensibly. (Proverbs 26:16)

Do not simply accept nonsense and other anti-CCOG statements posted at places online.

The Apostle Paul wrote:

20 Do not despise prophecies. 21 Test all things; hold fast what is good. (1 Thessalonians 5:20-21)

Many at the Banned by HWA website, as well as non-Philadelphian Christians, refuse to do that.

What about you? 

Translation: Pay no attention to the mountain of evidence behind the curtain. My group has the real fruits (trust me, bro). If you question me, you’re lazy, deceived, or doing Satan’s work. Now buy my books and send donations.

Oh, please—spare us the endless parade of self-anointed, double-portion-dreaming, Africa-overseeing “prophets” like Bwana Bob. The modern Church of God movement has already proven, with crystal-clear, embarrassing consistency, that it doesn’t need a single additional so-called prophet in its midst. It needs a collective intervention, a heavy dose of humility, and perhaps a twelve-step program for recovering from prophetic role-playing addiction.

Herbert W. Armstrong already crowned himself the ultimate end-time voice, and what did that spawn? A glorious explosion of mini-Armstrongs, each one more delusional than the last, all declaring the others false while peddling their own special blend of retrofitted headlines, weasel-worded “maybes,” and desperate goalpost-moving. The “fruits”? Endless church splits, traumatized ex-members, laughed-at failed predictions, and a reputation that makes actual Christianity look like a punchline. If this is what divine prophetic authority produces, then God has a truly wicked sense of humor.

New Testament faith was never meant to be this exhausting carnival of ego, dreams, and “I was almost right if you squint and wait twenty years.” It was meant to be about Christ, the gospel, repentance, and basic honesty. The apostles didn’t need to constantly update their prophecy charts or scream “guilt by association” every time someone noticed their forecasts flopped. They just preached the Word.

The COGs don’t need more Bwana Bobs strutting around Kenya playing great white prophet while rewriting history on the fly. They need to retire the entire prophet LARP, admit the emperor has no clothes (and never did), and get back to actual Christianity, that 1st Century Christianity they all claim to practice, and none of them actually do. The Bible is sufficient. The Holy Spirit is sufficient. Grown men pretending their cherry-picked news feeds are divine revelation? Not so much.

True fruits aren’t website traffic, African photo-ops, or masterful displays of cognitive dissonance. True fruits are integrity, humility, and lives transformed by truth—not this pathetic, never-ending spectacle of narcissistic watchmen whose watches are always, always running late. Ditch the prophets, COG. Your movement will be infinitely healthier when the last “Great Bwana” finally stops prophesying and starts repenting.

Wade Cox, The Offical Church of God Simpleton Calls All Splinter Group Followers As "Less Intelligent"

One thing you can always count on in Armstrongism is its endless supply of theological simpletons. The various Churches of God are packed wall-to-wall with men whose “deep biblical understanding” comes exclusively from whatever Herbert Armstrong, Rod Meredith, or the latest self-appointed COG splinter guru happened to scribble down that week.

Naturally, there’s always one standout — the undisputed Chief Simpleton — and while the Great Bwana Bob Thiel is currently giving a strong performance, the crown still belongs to Wade Cox, one of New Zealand’s most delightfully unhinged Armstrongite gurus.

This guy is so gloriously off-the-wall that he makes Bwana Bob look like a model of sanity and restraint. Quite the accomplishment.

Like Bwana, Cox keeps his circus afloat thanks to a tiny band of loyal donors from New Zealand, Australia, and the United States. He, too, is strangely convinced that the overwhelming majority of his followers reside in Africa. In fact, he has the sheer audacity to claim that a large chunk of African Muslims are secretly part of his flock. At one point, this raving genius solemnly declared that nearly half the African continent had joined his little cult.

And yes — some of these wandering souls bounce between Cox’s group and Bwana Bob’s faster than a chameleon on espresso.

Cox, in classic Armstrongite fashion, is utterly convinced that he is the smartest man in the entire Churches of God movement. Everyone else, in his humble opinion, is “simple and erroneous.” That’s why we still need the Day of Atonement, you see — because the church is “composed of all grades of people, such as those that make mistakes and for those that are less intelligent…”

Oh yes, brethren. This is the glittering face of Armstrongism in 2026.

According to Cox, we dutifully observe the 7th of Abib — the sacred Sanctification for and of the Simple and the Erroneous (Ezekiel 45:20). On this day we fast. Why? Because apparently Christ’s once-for-all sacrifice wasn’t quite enough. We need to give it a little annual boost by fasting for the intellectually challenged among us. Wouldn’t want to let Jesus hog all the glory, after all.

As the great theologian Wade Cox explains, citing Ezekiel 45:20:

And so you shall do on the seventh day of the month for everyone who has sinned unintentionally or in ignorance. Thus you shall make atonement for the temple.

He then graciously breaks down the Hebrew word kaphar for the rest of us slow learners, reminding us that this day is all about reconciling the house of God — specifically “for every one that erreth and for him that is simple.”

In other words, the whole point of this extra-biblical ritual is to provide yearly spiritual cover for all the dim bulbs and blunderers who make up the bulk of the COGs.

Truly, it doesn’t get more profound than that.

This, dear friends, is what passes for advanced theology in the twilight years of Armstrongism.

We observe 7 Abib, the Sanctification for and of the Simple and the Erroneous (Ezek. 45:20). On this day we fast. Why do we do this? Was not Christ's Sacrifice enough for the process for all time? Are we trying to do something that was done by Christ and usurp Christ's prerogative? 

 

Ezekiel 45:20  And so you shall do on the seventh day of the month for everyone who has sinned unintentionally or in ignorance. Thus you shall make atonement for the temple.

(cf. also Heb. 5:1-2.)

 

The text here says make atonement for and the word in the Hebrew is Atonement (SHD 3722 Kaphar  ie kawfar) meaning the prime root to cover (spec. with bitumen) in the sense of to expiate, or condone, to placate or to cancel: thus it has the meanings to appease, make an atonement, cleanse, disannul, forgive, be merciful, pacify, pardon, to pitch, purge (away), put off, reconcile or make reconciliation. The word is used here in the sense ofmake reconciliation and it is in that sense that it is rendered as reconcile in the KJV both for this text and for the text in Leviticus 6:30 for the reconciliation of everything in the house of God for the acceptance of its offerings. The KJV for Ezekiel 45:20 reads: And so thou shalt do the seventh day of the month for every one that erreth and for him that is simple: so ye shall reconcile the house.   

 

Thus the Temple of God or House of God is composed of all grades of people such as those that make mistakes and for those that are less intelligent and can’t understand many aspects of the faith.  A good example is the Worldwide Church of God offshoots who are so misled by their ministry that they follow the Hillel calendar and keep the feasts and the Solemn Assemblies on the wrong days and sometimes in the wrong months; and so we must fast for their error and ignorance, and also for that of Israel and Judah and the nations that understand even less.

 

The major aspect of the Passover is that there must be reconciliation of the House of God such that all are reconciled to their brothers before they go to the altars of the Passover.

It is in this sense that the fast is used and commanded in the Book of Joel and then taken up in Ezekiel following on from the commands in Joel to Sanctify a Fast in relation to this period from the New Moon of Abib on Ezekiel 45:18-24 and the preparations continue to 7 Abib (45:20) and on to the 14 Abib at the Passover Preparation and Sacrifice and then on to 21 Abib for the next seven days of the Feast. 

And as a special reward for all his groundbreaking theological contributions to the movement, Wade Cox has officially earned this well-deserved honor:

Decoding the Divine: Wade Cox's Wild Take on Michael the Archangel, Jesus, Satan, and the Elohim Family

The brothers Elohim are hard at work 

One thing you really have to credit Armstrongism for is how they took simple Bible stories and turned them into deep theological treatises that rarely ever made much sense once you really started examining them with an open mind. We so often hear this kind of nuttiness from Bob Thiel, Gerald Flurry, and Dave Pack—so much so that all we can do is laugh and move on. Then there's Wade Cox of the so-called "Christian" Churches of God, who loves to sit at picnic tables with the wind blowing his notes around, next to his sidekick, both talking like they failed the "Get the facts" and "Stir To Action" speeches—two things these blithering idiots seem to never do. 

Ah, theology—the grand arena where ancient texts meet modern interpretations, often resulting in ideas that make you go, "Wait, what?" If you've ever wondered what happens when you blend a dash of ancient Hebrew linguistics with a hefty dose of speculative cosmology (and perhaps a stiff breeze for dramatic effect), Cox's teachings provide a masterclass. At the heart of his doctrine is the eyebrow-raising notion that both Jesus Christ and Satan (once known as Lucifer) were part of the "elohim"—a council of divine beings created by the one true God, Eloah. It's like imagining heaven as a cosmic boardroom where Jesus and Satan were once colleagues, until one got fired for insubordination. But is this biblically sound, or just another theological plot twist gone delightfully awry? Let's dive in-depth, with a sprinkle of sarcasm for flavor, because sometimes you need a laugh to handle the heresy.

Wade Cox isn't your average Sunday school teacher. As the founder and coordinator of CCG, established in the 1990s as a splinter from the Worldwide Church of God, Cox has built a following around what he calls "original Christianity." Sound familiar? CCG positions itself as a guardian of uncorrupted biblical truth, rejecting mainstream doctrines like the Trinity in favor of a strict Unitarian view. God, in their eyes, is singular—Eloah, the Most High—who presides over a hierarchy of subordinate "gods" or elohim. This isn't polytheism, they insist; it's more like a divine pyramid scheme where humans can level up to elohim status through obedience and salvation.

Cox's writings, scattered across CCG's website and various papers, paint a picture of a universe teeming with spiritual bureaucracy. Papers like "The Elect as Elohim" and "Wars of the End: Preparing the Elohim" outline a plan where God's ultimate goal is to expand this elohim family. It's ambitious, sure, but it sets the stage for his most controversial claim: that Jesus and Satan were both charter members of this elite club. Oh, and did I mention Satan was the "Morning Star" assigned to Earth as its guardian? Because nothing says "trustworthy overseer" like the guy who ends up leading a rebellion.

At the core of Cox's theology is a reimagining of the Hebrew word "Elohim." In the Bible, it's often translated as "God," but it's grammatically plural, which Cox seizes upon like a kid finding an extra cookie in the jar or Bob Thiel being doubly "blessed". He argues that Elohim refers not just to the one God but to a whole assembly of divine beings—sons of God, if you will—created by Eloah to help run the cosmos. Psalm 82:1-6 gets a starring role here: God (Eloah) judges among the "gods" (elohim), calling them "sons of the Most High" but warning they'll die like mortals for their corruption. Cox sees this as evidence of a heavenly council, complete with job assignments and performance reviews.

Enter Jesus: In CCG lore, he's the firstborn elohim, the Logos or Word from John 1:1, who acted as Eloah's chief architect in creation. Colossians 1:15 ("firstborn of all creation") is twisted to mean he's created, not eternal. And Job 38:7's "morning stars" singing at creation? That's Jesus as one star, shining bright in the divine choir.

Now, the twist: Satan gets the same VIP treatment. Originally Lucifer, the "Light Bringer," he was another morning star—Earth's planetary manager, no less. Isaiah 14:12 and Ezekiel 28:14-16 paint him as a perfect cherub who fell due to pride, trying to grab equality with God (unlike humble Jesus, who didn't). In Cox's view, Satan was "Satan-el," an elohim of a planetary quadrant, part of the same created order as Jesus. They were like divine brothers—one stayed loyal, the other went rogue, leading to a cosmic HR nightmare. This resolves Genesis 1:26's "let us make man in our image" as the elohim council chatting, not some Trinitarian mystery. Clever, right? Or, as critics might say, a bit too convenient, like retrofitting the Bible to fit a sci-fi novel.

Cox assures us this restores “true pre-Nicene Christianity” before those pesky pagan Trinitarians ruined everything. Bonus perk: faithful humans get to join the elohim country club someday. Who wouldn’t want eternal godhood with dental? The only tiny problem? Equating the eternal Son of God with a created rebel angel tends to make actual biblical scholars develop facial tics.

From any mainstream Christian perspective—Trinitarian, Binitarian, or even garden-variety monotheist—Cox’s system doesn’t merely miss the mark; it’s playing an entirely different sport on a different planet. Let’s tally the score:

• Jesus gets demoted to a created middle manager. Arianism called; it wants its heresy back. John 1:1–3: the Word “was God,” not “was a god,” and “without him nothing was made that has been made.” If Jesus is created, who created him? Crickets. Hebrews 1:8–10 straight-up calls the Son “God” and credits him with laying Earth’s foundations. Angels worship him (Heb 1:6). Cox turns the Creator into a promoted creature. Bold. Wrong. Catastrophically wrong.

• Satan gets a massive, unearned promotion. The Bible calls him a fallen angel, created servant (Heb 1:14), a liar, and a murderer from the beginning. Isaiah 14 and Ezekiel 28 are prophetic smack-talk against human tyrants, not Satan’s LinkedIn profile. Job’s morning stars? Poetic angels at creation, not evidence of Jesus and Satan sharing a bunk bed in eternity past. Making Satan a peer of Christ is the theological version of saying Darth Vader and Luke were equals before the family drama. No.

• Yes, the word is plural. It’s also frequently a majestic plural for the one God, like royalty saying “we.” Psalm 82 is God judging corrupt authorities (human or angelic), not unveiling a pantheon. Jesus quotes it in John 10 to defend his unique divinity, not to say “I’m just one of the guys.” Cox’s henotheism-lite crashes head-first into Isaiah 43:10: “Before me no god was formed, nor shall there be any after me.” God isn’t franchising.

Critics call CCG exclusivist and cult-adjacent. Even classic Armstrongism kept Jesus eternally divine. Cox’s tweak risks turning the cross into cosmic performance art: if Jesus is just another created elohim, how exactly does his death pay for sin eternally? It’s like trying to settle the universe’s debt with a personal check from a bankrupt middle manager.

CCG sprouted from Armstrong’s God Family doctrine (Father and Son as the two eternal Elohim, humans next in line). Cox cranks the dial to eleven, expanding the elohim into a full celestial org chart with planetary quadrants that sound suspiciously like rejected Ancient Aliens scripts. Apostolic tradition? Early Church Fathers? Nah, too mainstream. Windy picnic tables are where the real revelation happens, apparently.

Wade Cox's belief that Jesus and Satan were elohim stems from a pluralistic reading of Scripture, aiming to demystify God's plan. It's creative, I'll give it that—like imagining heaven as a dysfunctional family sitcom, complete with windy picnic-table sermons delivered with all the conviction of a motivational speaker who forgot his script. But biblically, it crumbles under scrutiny, denying Christ's eternity and inflating Satan's resume. Why does it matter? Because theology shapes faith: Get God wrong, and everything unravels. So, next time someone pitches Jesus as Satan's ex-colleague, smile politely and suggest a reread of John 1. After all, in the divine drama, some plot twists are best left on the cutting room floor.

Wade writes:

The LCG and the other offshoots conveniently ignore key texts of the Bible that show clearly that the angels are all sons of God and that Satan is also a son of God. Job 1:6 and 2:1 show that they all had access to the throne of God including Satan and had such access at the time of Job who was a son of Issachar resident in the Middle East (probably in Midian). These sons of God were the elohim who were the angelic host and are recognised as such by the Biblical scholars such as Bullinger and others. The sons of God were termed elohim which is a plural word recognising God as an extended being. Elohim is referred to in Job 2:1 but the name Eloah is used many times to refer to the One True God throughout Job. Job 1:6 refers to Satan being among the sons of God. He is used then to tempt Job and afflict him. Job 2:1 also has the same scenario when the sons of God came before God and Satan was again among them. It is thus beyond dispute that there were many sons of God in OT times and Satan was among them and they all had access to the throne. These sons of God were divided into ranks and positions and we see from Job 38:4-7 that the One True God created the earth in the beginning and that the sons of God came together before God at the creation and all the Morning Stars sang for joy when they were shown the creation. Now a Morning Star is a planetary ruler and is referred to as a light bearer or “Lucifer” and these heads of the Heavenly Host were the rulers of the Heavenly Council which we were shown at Sinai being founded in the Tabernacle as the Sanhedrin of the Seventy plus Two, and who are divided into the Heavenly Council in Revelation chapters 4 and 5 of the Four Cherubim and the Twenty-four elders and the Lamb of God. The outer council was the other forty-two elders making up the 72. This was the Sanhedrin also from Sinai and the Seventy-two or Hebdomekonta [Duo] ordained by Christ as the elders of the church (Lk. 10:1,17).

Now many sons of God were sent to mankind as messengers and that word was Malak in Hebrew and the word in Greek was Aggellos. The word simply meant messenger and the elohim were all sons of God as elohim until they were sent to mankind as a malak. That is the reason why they were all referred to as Yahovah and the human host prostrated before them (Gr. proskuneo). That same word is used of the elect when those who say they are Jews and are not but lie proskuneo before the elect of the Philadelphian Church in Revelation 3. The Binitarian worshippers of the god Attis in Rome brought their heretical doctrines in to Christianity from 175 CE. To introduce the Binitarianism of Attis they had to elevate Christ to a level above the other sons of God or elohim. They did this by creating a class and called them “Angels” from the word aggellos or messenger which was the translation of the word malak or messenger in the OT. They then made them distinct from Christ and used the term elohim or theos of he and the Father only. Having done this fabrication they then introduced the Holy Spirit as the third element of a Triune God by 381 CE at the Council of Constantinople and confirmed it from Chalcedon in 451.

WCG Iowa Setting Up Council of Elders To Be Ready For Aaron Dean To Step In Once The Ambassador Auditorium Is Purchased.

By the time Samuel is able to buy the auditorium, 

Germany will have destroyed the United States

The self-proclaimed remnant of the one true church strikes again, this time with a manifesto so drenched in delusion it could water the entire old AC Pasadena campus dicondra lawns. In a recent missive that reads like a mix of Herbert W. Armstrong's old co-worker letters and a particularly feverish Reddit post from r/EndTimesPrepper, Samuel Kitchen has declared his intention to single-handedly resurrect the Advisory Council of Elders, purchase the Ambassador Auditorium (currently listed at a cool $45 million, because why not aim high when God's check is in the mail), and apparently kick off the final end-time drama with a Zoom call and a group fast.

Let's unpack this masterpiece of wishful ecclesiastical thinking.

First, the Advisory Council of Elders. For those who forgot (or mercifully blocked out) the 1980s WCG org chart, this was Herbert Armstrong's hand-picked group of yes-men evangelists who existed to "advise" the apostle while he did whatever he wanted. It was dissolved, reformed, ignored, and eventually rendered irrelevant as the church splintered into a thousand tiny fiefdoms after HWA's death. Now, Kitchen informs us that only one original member remains: Aaron Dean, the longtime aide to Armstrong who now serves in the United Church of God and has spent decades politely declining to play along with every self-appointed restorer who calls him up.

Kitchen's plan? Chat with Dean about appointing six more "faithful and loyal" men—all guys proven loyal to "Christ’s apostle" (spoiler: that's code for dead Herb, not some vague New Testament figure). These paragons will Zoom weekly (or more!) to steer the good ship Worldwide Church of God back on track. Dean might say no, but Kitchen hopes he won't—because nothing says divine authority like hoping your one living link to the golden age doesn't hang up on you.

But wait, there's more grandeur! As the miraculous purchase fund inches toward $45 million (any day now, surely), Kitchen calls for a massive scavenger hunt: gather every dusty tape, yellowed booklet, scrap of mimeographed sermon notes, and forgotten VHS from the 1970s. Build a shrine-library in the Auditorium, digitize it all, and launch a "monthly refresher program" to... refresh people? Presumably with the exact same doctrines that led to the original church's doctrinal "upset" in the '90s, which everyone else moved on from.

To seal the deal, Kitchen drops a biblical proof-text barrage straight out of the Armstrong playbook: Isaiah 4's "seven women" clinging to one man (obviously the tiny faithful remnant), Zerubbabel as the end-time builder figure (with seven eyes, naturally), the Branch (Jesus, but channeled through a modern type), cornerstones, crowns that won't fade, Philadelphia elect, place of safety, two witnesses on deck—the full eschatological bingo card.

In Kitchen's telling, this isn't just nostalgia; it's prophecy fulfillment. The "day of small things" isn't a humble beginning—it's his current operation, complete with a handful of supporters, Gmail addresses, and dreams of reclaiming a concert hall that hasn't been WCG property since before most millennials were born. God will provide the laborers, the funds, the tapes, and presumably the Zoom Pro subscription.

One can almost picture the scene: six loyal appointees blinking at their screens, Aaron Dean wondering how he got dragged into this, and Kitchen presiding over the council like a budget HWA, declaring victory as the donation jar hits four figures. Meanwhile, the actual Ambassador Auditorium sits on the market, waiting for a real buyer—perhaps a symphony orchestra or a megachurch that can afford the utilities—while the "remnant" sanctifies their fast and refreshes their browser for new PayPal notifications.

Truly, in the multitude of (Zoom) council there is... entertainment. If nothing else, this bold revival plan reminds us why "safety in a multitude" was always more slogan than reality in the old WCG: when the multitude is one guy emailing Aaron Dean, it's less safety net and more prayer chain with extra steps.

Hold fast to that crown, brethren. Preferably the one that doesn't involve a $45 million real estate flip.

Samuel writes (unedited):

I want to revive the Advisory Council of Elders. There is safety is a multitude of council.

The only one left from the original Advisory Council of Elders is Aaron Dean.

I’m going to talk to him, about appointing another six men, all men who have proven themselves faithful and loyal to Christ’s apostle, and who are willing to work with me to get the Worldwide Church of God back on the right track.

Perhaps he wouldn’t want to be involved, I hope he does want to be involved.

I would like weekly meetings, or more, via zoom etc as we move forward. Mr Dean has the experience of knowing who would best serve in this Advisory Council of Elders. As everyone comes away from heading their separate directions, I do believe we all need to sanctify a fast together and everyone in God’s Chuch participate.

Also as we grow closer to the purchase price of Ambassador Auditorium, I will need help gather tapes, original books, publications, videos, everything the church produced down to scraps of paper saved! I want a thorough library and archives, so we can install it in the Ambassador Auditorium. I would also want it all produced online, working complementary to the physical collection.

I would also want to set up, upon purchase, a monthly refresher program.

Now this is a huge undertaking. But if we pray about it, and take it to God, asking God for the laborers God will provide.

I want to also point out Isaiah 4.

“And in that day seven women shall take hold of one man, saying, We will eat our own bread, and wear our own apparel: only let us be called by thy name, to take away our reproach.”(verse 1)

These seven, are with Zerubbabel!

“For who hath despised the day of small things? for they shall rejoice, and shall see the plummet in the hand of Zerubbabel with those seven; they are the eyes of the Lord, which run to and fro through the whole earth.”

Isaiah 4:2

“In that day shall the branch of the Lord be beautiful and glorious, and the fruit of the earth shall be excellent and comely for them that are escaped of Israel.”

In Zechariah 3:8-9 we read: “Hear now, O Joshua the high priest, thou, and thy fellows that sit before thee: for they are men wondered at: for, behold, I will bring forth my servant the Branch.

“For behold the stone that I have laid before Joshua; upon one stone shall be seven eyes: behold, I will engrave the graving thereof, saith the Lord of hosts, and I will remove the iniquity of that land in one day.”

Jesus Christ is THE BRANCH.

Isaiah 28:16 “Therefore thus saith the Lord God, Behold, I lay in Zion for a foundation a stone, a tried stone, a precious corner stone, a sure foundation: he that believeth shall not make haste.”

This foundation stone is the cornerstone, which is Jesus Christ!

That cornerstone is brought forth by a Zerubbabel figure, and layed before Joshua.

Speaking of Isaiah 4:2, we also have Isaiah 28:5, which reads: “In that day shall the Lord of hosts be for a crown of glory, and for a diadem of beauty, unto the residue of his people”.

In Revelation 3:11, we read “Behold, I come quickly: hold that fast which thou hast, that no man take thy crown.”

And in 1 Peter 5:4 we read “And when the chief Shepherd shall appear, ye shall receive a crown of glory that fadeth not away.”

This is talking about God’s Philadelphia elect coming together, and the two witnesses being set up, and the elect going into a place of safety.