Oh, bless their little cotton socks, another day in COGland, where the bar for batshit craziness gets raised higher than Gerald Flurry’s bar tab. At this point, you’d think we’d all be numb to the nonstop clown show put on by these self-anointed apostles, but nope, every sunrise brings a fresh opportunity for one of them to strap on the red nose and oversized shoes.
You see, God the Father apparently works the night shift, frantically beaming “new revelation” straight into the pickled brains of His favorite franchise owners. Bob “Dreamy McProphet” Thiel gets herbal-tea-fueled nightmares, Dave Pack’s imaginary Jesus has been stuck in Wadsworth traffic for three straight years because even the Second Coming can’t find parking, and then there’s His Royal Tipsiness, King Gerald Flurry, who’s built a whole compound in Edmond, Oklahoma, because obviously that’s where the New Jerusalem is landing (sorry, Independence, Missouri, better luck next apocalypse).
But today Gerald Six-Pack Flurry, spiritual heir to a throne polishers everywhere, has outdone himself. Fresh from the bottom of whatever bottle inspired this gem, he has solemnly declared that Jesus Christ could have sinned while on earth. That’s right, folks: the same Jesus who was supposedly God in the flesh apparently had a very real shot at blowing the whole salvation plan by, I dunno, coveting His neighbor’s donkey or flipping off a Pharisee one too many times.
And if that had happened? Poor God the Father would’ve been left all alone up there in the starry void of the “northern heavens” (the part of space that’s mysteriously missing stars ever since Lucifer redecorated during the Great Heavenly Bar Fight of eternity past). Just one lonely Dude, sitting on an empty throne, swigging celestial whiskey, muttering, “I should’ve gone with Plan B… or literally any other son.”
Truly, the theological brilliance pouring out of Edmond these days is staggering. Herbert W. Armstrong is surely looking up from wherever he is, nodding proudly and saying, “That’s my boy, completely hammered and making it up as he goes, just like I taught him.”
Thank heavens Armstrongism isn’t the only crazy cult on the block, or we might actually have to take this nonsense seriously.
A God from the northern heavens came to Earth and became flesh and blood, risking the loss of eternal life. FAILURE WOULD HAVE LEFT THE FATHER AS THE ONLY REMAINING GOD FOREVER.
Spend more time and ponder what failure would have meant to our Father—the rest of eternity spent as the only God in the universe! Then you can better comprehend the kind of love He has for His creation
Can we fathom this loving sacrifice by God? This universe-shaking truth challenges our imagination. We are the recipients of this unparalleled act of love.
An “eternal life,” which was God, the Word, came and died for us. This ought to excite mankind beyond anything we can imagine. It was the beginning of what will probably become billions of sons in God’s Family.
BECAUSE WE TEACH THIS GOD-ORDAINED MESSAGE, WE ARE ALMOST GLUTTED WITH NEW REVELATION! THIS SHOULD SHOW US WHAT THIS MESSAGE MEANS TO THE FATHER AND THE SON. Revelation comes because we honor our Father and Husband.
Flurry coninues with this:
The goal of our work is to bring all humanity into fellowship with the Father and Son! Please read that again.
The Ephesus Church members quit doing God’s work because they lost their first love. The Laodiceans today stopped doing this work because they became blind to this vision. Anybody who fails to see why we do this work is blind!
We are the very elect of the firstfruits. Soon the whole world will be filled with second-fruits from the fall harvest. All mankind will have one mind, one faith, one love and one hope. Each person will be a witness for God!
Than this:
Herbert W. Armstrong College is here to get this message to the world. This message is for the whole of mankind. It produces the opposite of the negative fruits you see in Satan’s world.
The Laodicean Church members broke down in this area. Satan destroyed their desire and strength to be witnesses. Then they no longer wanted to declare the Father’s message.
We are declaring John’s message as quickly as we can. The job of our ministers is to help get our people 100 percent behind God’s work—so we can complete this work as speedily as possible. We are in THE LAST HOUR! We must work while we can, BEFORE this world is plunged into the Great Tribulation.
We must see that this message is everything to a dying world! It must be declared now—in this “last hour.” It is a message from the Logos, who was with the Father.
God sent an Elijah to restore all things. It was an astounding message not heard around the world for almost two millennia!
And from the early college days to the end, Mr. Armstrong had outstanding, God-inspired spokesman clubs. There were research and writing classes. The students were not there just to learn the message. They were also taught how to deliver it, both in this age and in the Millennium.
In Herbert W. Armstrong College, our students are taught how to write and speak like kings and priests. We have a message that must be communicated to all humanity!
Receiving God’s message is just half of the responsibility. The second part is communicating it. And what a communication job! This message must be delivered to every person ever born!
What good is the message if it is not declared and taught? What a failure if we don’t deliver our Father’s message! What a calamity. Now is the time to be a witness for God.
The world is full of violence and ready to explode into nuclear warfare. And America’s strongest messages to the world is the filthiest, Satan-inspired trash ever seen and heard!
At the same time, we ignore the Creator God who prophesies throughout His Word that He punishes for such despicable sins. Even the most violent terrorists can see and are offended by our unparalleled immorality. Surely we must believe that God would also be offended. But our people don’t care. We have descended into a kind of spiritual madness. Only the worst kind of punishment can ever awaken us. The Great Tribulation is going to be the worst suffering ever. The punishment fits the crime. Never was there a greater need to awaken!
More proof that these morons have no concept of what Jesus accomplished.
The magnitude of the opportunity offered by our unparalleled technology makes our nations’ failure to take advantage of it incomparably disastrous. The whole world suffers mightily because of that failure. Never has there been a greater need for God’s message of hope.
We must give this world the only message that really matters. We will show them how to use the media.
Years ago, when the Soviet Union was strong, the Japanese were asked who they feared most. They answered that they feared Russia most militarily, but they feared America most culturally. (If only we could see ourselves as others see us.) And they had good cause for that fear. Today the Japanese are saturated with America’s vile culture. Our culture is destroying us and other nations morally and spiritually. We prate about how good we are and sing “God Bless America”—but God is cursing America, Britain and the Jews in the Middle East. He will continue to do so until we see our black sins and repent.
The Philadelphia Church of God has bought and paid for 170 acres and all of our buildings. What is it all for? We are getting ready to help Christ rule this world and the universe!
God has blessed us mightily. Now He wants to fire our imaginations to see what a marvelous, mind-staggering future this world has. We have the greatest, most complete message God has ever given to declare!
It is like these COG leaders deliberately mock Bob Thiel as the irrelevant fool that he is and his worthless message.
Like John, we must never lose this awesome vision of love! Then we must be a witness for God. This is what the world so desperately needs.
Nothing screams “Philadelphia Church of God = Era of Brotherly Love” quite like the warm, fuzzy kind of love that rips families apart faster than a Black Friday sale at Walmart.
It’s the special, patented Gerald Flurry brand of love™ that heroically severs parents from children, grandparents from grandchildren, and spouses from each other, because apparently the quickest path to godliness is making sure nobody ever speaks to their blood relatives again. Who needs holiday dinners when you’re excommunicated for sending a birthday card to your disfellowshipped daughter, right?
And let’s not forget the cherry on top: that same suffocating, guilt-drenched “love” has been so inspirational, so life-affirming, that it’s driven more than a few precious PCG sheep to the ultimate escape hatch: suicide. Because when you can never, ever measure up to the ever-shifting, booze-fueled standards of King Six-Pack and his revolving door of “new revelation,” what’s the point of sticking around for another sermon about how you’re a worthless Laodicean worm?
Truly, the Philadelphia Church of God is a shining beacon of agape love, the kind that leaves shattered families, empty chairs at Thanksgiving, and fresh graves in its wake.
So yes, by all means, keep spreading that signature Edmond-style love, one “mark and avoid” letter, one disfellowshipment, one funeral at a time. Truly heartwarming stuff.
And when the final trumpet finally blares (assuming Dave Pack’s imaginary Jesus ever figures out the correct Wadsworth exit ramp), God the Father can kick back in those lonely northern heavens, crack open a cold one, and enjoy the silence. Because thanks to the PCG’s stellar track record of turning potential “mini-gods and godlets” into estranged wrecks and suicide statistics, that celestial family reunion is going to be standing-room-only for exactly one Dude.
Just Him, an empty throne room, and an echo whispering, “Should’ve gone with the Mormons; at least they let you keep your kids.”
Well played, Gerald. Well played. The only thing you’ve successfully birthed into the Kingdom is a support group for traumatized ex-members and a waiting list at the Edmond liquor store. Cheers to that legacy.
