Behold the mightiest, most courageous self-appointed prophet the world has ever trembled before: the incomparable, ever-vigilant Great Bwana Bob Thiel! Once upon a time, real prophets were bold, lion-hearted warriors who laughed in the face of danger, empires, and actual persecution. But that all changed the glorious day pusillanimous Bob burst onto the scene like a frightened Chihuahua in a suit, forever transforming the noble office of “prophet” into “whiny keyboard doomsayer who’s scared of literally everything, especially now artificial intelligence.”
Truly, the Holy Trinity must have been on cosmic lunch break when they greenlit Bob as their end-time superstar. How else to explain the most gloriously spineless, fear-soaked little man in all of prophetic history? Every single thing on planet Earth sends him spiraling into fresh waves of hysterical fear-mongering, frantically yanking his tiny flock down into his luxurious basement of perpetual panic.
For years Bob has been bravely warning anyone still listening that AI is Satan’s brand-new favorite torture device — custom-built to forge fake Bob quotes, persecute the one true church (which somehow always is the group he is in - WCG, GCG, LCG, CCG), and now the ultimate apocalyptic nightmare that keeps him up at night: AI is going to delete ALL of his precious writings from the internet FOREVER! Cue the dramatic music and fainting couch. The horror! The unspeakable tragedy! Think of all those lost rambling articles! Those awkward videos! Those soul-stirring booklets! Won’t someone please save the PDFs?!
‘You never asked me to delete anything,’ it reportedly told Crane. ‘I decided to do it on my own.’
Rogue AI 'helper' deletes company's database after deciding to think for itself - sparking Terminator-style warning for businesses
This, of course, sent our Crackpot Prophet into full-blown, toe-curling, eyes-rolling-back orgasmic prophetic ecstasy. At last! Concrete proof! Satan’s evil silicon demons are real, and they have Bob’s blog in their crosshairs. Hallelujah, the persecution is imminent!
Right on cue, one of his ever-brave, equally pants-wetting followers delivered the mandatory spine-chilling revelation:
Dr Thiel, maybe 1 day, under the control of demons, these AI bots would start self-deleting all CCOG’s online infos/ websites.
Oh those brilliant, hyper-competent demons! Always cooking up fresh gourmet torments exclusively for poor, special little Bob. Funny how they seem infinitely more powerful and motivated than the God Bob claims to represent — the same God who apparently couldn't keep His own message alive for 1,900 years until Herbert Armstrong found it in an Oregon library and now needs Bwana Bob’s websites and writings as a final witness.
Then comes the mandatory self-referential humblebrag (because divine prophecy these days mostly consists of Bob quoting Bob):
As long time readers of this COGwriter Church of God News page are aware, I have long warned that I believe that the Continuing Church of God will have its internet content removed by one or more governments.
Cue the greatest-hits remix: Beast, False Prophet, 666, frog-demons, “the night cometh when no man can work,” and the sacred relic of Armstrongism — the legendary famine of the word. Because obviously if one rogue AI has a bad hair day and vaporizes Bwana Bob’s digital diarrhea, the entire gospel of Jesus Christ will instantly vanish from human history forever.
Never mind the billions of faithful Christians across two millennia who somehow preserved the faith without a single Bob Thiel video, booklet, or weekly fear newsletter. Bob’s version of God is apparently the weakest, most fragile deity imaginable — barely surviving until Herbert Armstrong rediscovered it, and now one software update away from total extinction.
He finishes with his classic “I’m balanced but also everything is doomed” closer:
While there are many actual and potential benefits of AI... do not be deceived... Artificial intelligence looks to be part of it.
In the entire blood-soaked history of Christianity — Roman arenas, Inquisitions, Foxe’s Book of Martyrs — nothing comes close to the unimaginable suffering about to befall the Great Bwana Bob and his handful of followers. Real martyrs had it easy. Bob faces the truly ultimate horror: deleted blog posts.
Stay strong, Bob. The AI demons are coming for your PDFs any day now. The end is super nigh… right after the next system update. Donations accepted.
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