It is another sunny day in the whack-a-doodle world of Armstrongism. Never a day goes by without some fresh batch of craziness vomiting itself onto the internet for the remaining handful of true believers to marinate in. This week's double feature comes straight from the Grover Beach headquarters of Crackpot Bob Thiel, self-anointed prophet, Ph.D. in something-or-other, and proud owner of the world's most flexible end-time chart.
In his latest letter to the faithful, Bob announces the next phase of his "Going Thru the Bible" plan. After supposedly covering every verse of 26 of the 27 New Testament books (a claim that would make any competent scholar laugh until they needed oxygen), he is now launching a brand-new series: Revealing Revelation. The goal? Cover every single verse of the Book of Revelation.
Here's the catch, straight from the man himself:
Unlike the previous series on other books of the Bible, I only expect to cover perhaps one sermon per month or so related to the Book of Revelation. Why? Well, for one, I do not want to rush the process. And for another, we may be seeing the fulfillment of certain prophesied events which will allow me to better see how certain events may tie in with prophecies in the Book of Revelation.
Translation: Bob does not actually know how the end-time sequence works, so he needs to drag this out for over two years while he watches the news and rewrites his timeline on the fly. The bouncing and flouncing will be legendary. Expect endless "this could be the beginning of sorrows... or not... let's wait and see what happens next month" sermons while the tiny flock is told that slow-walking the Apocalypse is somehow deep biblical scholarship.
Once the series finally limps across the finish line (sometime around 2028, give or take a failed prophecy or two), Bob hints that "we may produce a book on this." Of course he will. Books are Crackpot Bob's love language. Nothing says "I have unique insight that no one else in Church of God history has possessed" quite like another self-published booklet that will be translated into however many languages the next press release claims.
Speaking of books, the same letter pivots to the real star of the show: The Gospel of the Kingdom of God. Joan Galloway reported that it is now available in 125 languages online, with more in the works. (Earlier CCOG material has inflated the number into the hundreds or even "nearly 2,000 languages/dialects." Pick a number, brethren-the important thing is that it sounds impressive.) Bob then quotes Revelation 5:8-10, Revelation 7:9-11, and Romans 14:11 to argue that these translations will somehow produce "massive numbers of followers from all over and in all languages" right before the Tribulation.
In other words, the actual gospel of Jesus Christ is apparently insufficient. What the world has been missing all this time is Bob Thiel's booklet. The four living creatures and the twenty-four elders are presumably on standby, waiting for the next language drop so the great multitude can finally show up.
It is genuinely impressive how Armstrongist ministers can present themselves as profound biblical scholars while repeatedly demonstrating the opposite. Bob is not revealing Revelation. He is stretching it out so he can keep adjusting his private interpretations whenever the headlines refuse to cooperate with the script he inherited and then modified. The book is not about to gather the nations. It is about keeping a shrinking group convinced that their particular leader still has the "open door" and the special insight everyone else lacks.
Two years of monthly Revelation sermons while the prophet waits for world events to catch up to his chart is not careful scholarship. It is a slow-motion admission that the system does not work the way it was sold. And the multilingual booklet is not evidence of a unique end-time work. It is marketing.
Welcome to another week in Armstrongism. The bouncing continues. The flouncing is scheduled. And the book will be updated as needed.
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